Really suicidal, don't even know why I'm posting this.

[StarShank]

I've just written a list of all the things I need to do before I die. Not things like go bungee jumping, more like write notes and close bank accounts.
I've completely built my life around an (at times and more and more recently) a angry, depressed, self destructive neae-alcoholic. My bad. I don't want to do anything without him, I have friends but no one I can call when I'm distressed. I've asked a few people if they want to do something this week. No reply. I don't want to go out on my own.
I'm not meant for this life.
I don't want the meager help mh services can offer because it is pointless and I definitely don't want to go into hospital.

This is not a goodbye post, I'm not saying "I'm going to kill myself" I'm saying I'm getting really close to it and my protective factors are gone - my parents barely want to see me we barely have a relationship I really dislike them. DH would obviously be devastated but I don't see any sort of future that doesn't involve pain and suffering. And that's about it. I know it is wrong I know it is selfish. But I don't see a way out of this. I could leave DH and go and start a new life elsewhere but I know he would soon either su or die of an overdose. I'm not willing to be alive when that happens.

You can tell me I'm being selfish, you can throw all the tough love in the world at me. I know I'm being a cunt. I just can't continue like this for much longer.

I'm sorry. I've fought so hard for so long and life just carries on being shit. I'm not meant for this life and if my "legacy" is - she gave up and was weak and selfish then so be it.

I don't even know why I'm posting this - only I can change my life but I feel so trapped I don't see anyway out of this situation other than 1,carry on suffering horribly or 2, die.

have you felt like this before?
when did you start feeling suicidal? x

Didn't want to read and run. How long have you felt like this?

I have. I was really suicidal about 6 years ago. Had therapy, sorted myself out, went to uni, got a good job, got married, brought a house. 4 months ago my dissociative disorder came and smacked me in the face and I ended up in a psych hospital for a month. I felt a lot better quite quickly and I'm now back at work part time but my husband has fallen into a massively self destructive pattern and I can't cope with it. At all.

Go to A&E and ask for a hospital admission (I agree, home treatment / crisis teams can be quite shit - depending on what area you live in - and don't cut it when you're planning this seriously to end it).

Go to hospital. Please. Have a rest. Switch off your brain.

The thing about being in that dark place where suicide seems a good way out is that you are incapable of seeing that things can and will get better. Somehow, some way. Either circumstances change or you eventually gather the strength to change them yourself. I promise. PROMISE.

The fact that you have lost all ability to see that means you are not thinking straight, you're tired and unwell. Please - get help. And keep talking here. I'm about and can listen. I've been through this before x

I wish I could help but I can't. I just wanted to offer a hand to hold. No tough love or lecture. Just to say that im here and if you want yo tell us more then do. Its ok x

You are not responsible for your dh. X.

On and off for about the last 3.5 months I've been feeling like this. The last month I've really solidified my plan to die and am getting closer and closer to carrying it out.

And re-read your last post. After the last time you were unwell you got better. You made amazing and positive changes in your life. This can happen again. Maybe free from a relationship with an alcoholic this time? You dont feel strong now...but it is perfectly possible and achievable that you WILL feel strong again. You just need some help right now to build that strength back up.

Starshank do you think you could give yourself Another chance? It sounds like you were amazingly strong and making a good recovery. Don't look your dh ruin this for you. You can be happy.

Hospital would just be a holding cell. It would throw me back even further and make my husband even worse. They very rarely admit people for su anyway - if your going to do it why ask to be somewhere you can't do it? I know I'm throwing everything you say back. I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry. Can you ask your dh to leave temporary. To give you some head space?

I really don't think I can be happy without him. Before I went into hospital and quite a bit since he has been brilliantly supportive. We are too meshed / codependent. I know it's utterly pathetic but I can't live without him. We have been together since we were 17. He's my world and I know that is my own fault. I know I have to untangle myself from him somehow but I don't know how.

Dont apologise, Starshank. Please. I know where your head is at - been there.

Hospital isnt nice, I know. But you'll be safe there. Could you rationalize it with yourself that you'll give it one more go, go to hospital and see how you feel after a stay?

Your DH isnt your responsibility. He needs to address his alcoholism with treatment. YOU are your responsibility. And you need to get some help to get well.

Xx

I don't think he would leave, it would just make things worse. I could spend money on a hotel but that would just create drama and more stress I think. If he gets drunk and swears at me tonight I think I will leave for a few nights. I don't deserve that sort of treatment.

Is he getting any help with the alcohol? I wish I had some useful advice. :(

the stress of your husbands issues is likely causing your dissociation relapse. If hes not well enough to support you and youre not well enough to support him, then you need to break up, temporarily or permanently.

I know youre tired of it all, but you have got through this before. You might be able to get through this and be happy again. Would you try and give it more time and see if theres any way of getting away from the hideous situation with your partner?

Star, if you have a dissociative disorder and are living in a stressful environment with a bad tempered alcoholic, of course it is going to trigger you. You are only human.

Do you have ANY friend or relative you could go and stay with for a few days? Someone you can talk to?

He is considering getting help but then has a few days off and convinces himself he doesn't need it anymore then gets down and drinks then the cycle repeats.

I really don't think they will admit me as they are so short of beds and I think it will make dh worse if that happens. I'm still recovering from the last time I was there.

Thanks everyone for talking to me I really appreciate it.

I'm willing to give it more time - he does often sort himself out. I have no one to stay with. All family have always lived miles away so not close. Don't want to be with parents. Only friend I could turn to is out of the country.

Last time we broke up (years ago) he took a massive overdose and spent 2 months in intensive care.... I cannot go through that again.

It's ok to have plans, but you don't have to carry them out.

I sympathise with not wanting to go to hospital - it is horrible there and the "help" can be shit.

How are you feeling at the moment?

Star, I really think you need to stop worrying about him for now and concentrate on yourself. You are feeling suicidal. You dont have the headspace to deal with his problems right now.

Beds are always short. But you have a diagnosed mental health problem and are feeling suicidal. They will find you something. Even if you have to wait in A&E for a few hours. You just need to find the strength to speak up and say how you feel. Could you call the crisis team now? Talk to them? Is that a possibility?

I do think you have to be abit more selfish here. If he drags you down with him then you lose and so does he. I agree with deluge I think hospital will keep you safe and give you time to disentangle your emotions from your dh and his issues. If you don't feel safe you are entitled to be cared for. Do you have a cpn? A number you can call?

Hopeless, and scared he will get drunk and be angry tonight. I'm crying in the garden and don't want to go in and face him but I'm cold and want a jumper.

He says he doesn't feel like he can be depressed because it upsets me so much. So I try to hide it but I fail often and he would still be depressed even if I had no reaction.

I just can't see a way out of this.

I do have a crisis number and am known to them as I was recently in hospital.