Really suicidal, don't even know why I'm posting this.

[StarShank]

I've just written a list of all the things I need to do before I die. Not things like go bungee jumping, more like write notes and close bank accounts.
I've completely built my life around an (at times and more and more recently) a angry, depressed, self destructive neae-alcoholic. My bad. I don't want to do anything without him, I have friends but no one I can call when I'm distressed. I've asked a few people if they want to do something this week. No reply. I don't want to go out on my own.
I'm not meant for this life.
I don't want the meager help mh services can offer because it is pointless and I definitely don't want to go into hospital.

This is not a goodbye post, I'm not saying "I'm going to kill myself" I'm saying I'm getting really close to it and my protective factors are gone - my parents barely want to see me we barely have a relationship I really dislike them. DH would obviously be devastated but I don't see any sort of future that doesn't involve pain and suffering. And that's about it. I know it is wrong I know it is selfish. But I don't see a way out of this. I could leave DH and go and start a new life elsewhere but I know he would soon either su or die of an overdose. I'm not willing to be alive when that happens.

You can tell me I'm being selfish, you can throw all the tough love in the world at me. I know I'm being a cunt. I just can't continue like this for much longer.

I'm sorry. I've fought so hard for so long and life just carries on being shit. I'm not meant for this life and if my "legacy" is - she gave up and was weak and selfish then so be it.

I don't even know why I'm posting this - only I can change my life but I feel so trapped I don't see anyway out of this situation other than 1,carry on suffering horribly or 2, die.

And im sorry but you really cannot allow him to keep you prisoner with suicide threats if you leave. Please take care of yourself. You aren't well enough to care for your dh just now. He has to do it himself. For himself.

Give them a call. Do it now before everything g gets all Saturday night hectic c we are here and care but you need rl support. X

StarShank - I think you should phone the crisis number but of course their help may be limited. That's the trouble with mental health stuff, there isn't a great deal anyone can do for us when we are at rock bottom. Are you on any meds? You don't need me to tell you that neither of you has the emotional strength to give to each other at the moment. Can you acknowledge this and try to keep things as calm as possible. Is your DH getting any help/support?

Deluge I'm sorry but you seem to talk about admission to a psych ward like booking yourself into a travel lodge - surely you know that nationally mental health services are under enormous stress through work overload because such a small amount of NHS funding is spent on mental health, even though a large percentage of the population are affected by mental illness of one kind or another. Anyway the OP says she doesn't want to go to hospital.

I get a bit tired of hearing posters urging people in distress to go to A & E (I know it is well meant) but there is nothing they can do unless they see fit to call in the crisis team and then you can be sent home with diazepam and told to see your GP. It's crap I know but I sometimes think people think if someone feels suicidal then A & E will scoop them up and care for them and it's not so........I'm sure many of us who suffer from mental illness feel suicidal at times (I know I do) and suicidal thoughts are a symptom of depression.

Hi Lem - hope you're ok. Couldn't keep away for long could I - had a crap day today. Might PM you soon

Hi StarShank,

Sorry to barge in here.

We're really sorry you're going through such a tough time at the moment .

Just thought it might be useful to link to our mental health webguide which lists some of the organisations which you can turn to in addition to the support you're getting on this thread.

how are you this morning

I found a codpendancy-anonymous! group near me (who thought such a thing would exist). I will go, it might help me untangle myself from him. I think it can't hurt and I should try everything I can. I'll ring my cpn on Monday even though it will be pointless. I'll keep trying and see how things go. I don't want to, I want to die. But I don't want to be selfish and cause other people pain by dying. I'm going to try and find inner strength without my DH. I'm quite used to suffering, a bit longer won't make much difference.

Morning Star. Just wanted to check in on you and say hello.

The group sounds like it might be helpful. Do make that call on Monday x

In response to NanaNina, I have much experience of the system. Thanks for your reply. If someone is suicidal and alone, A&E may be the only place that can keep them safe. That was where I was coming from. You didnt need to waste your time telling me what the system can and cant do. I know. But thanks.

Yeah sometimes A&E is better than nothing. Near me there is a pilot project running called the safehaven cafe, it is meant to be an alternative to A&E for people in crisis or needing support from 6-11pm. You get tea and a chat, much nicer than a lonely waiting room and hit and miss empathy from staff.

WOW - a co-dependency-anonymous group - that really is incredible and sounds like just what you need. I think the issue of someone (usually a partner) "enabling" someone to indulge in problem behaviour, e.g. abuse, alcohol/drug abuse is so often overlooked by the person doing the "enabling" as it just becomes a way of life and the person can't see that what they are doing/not doing is enabling the other to carry on with whatever he/she is doing. Sorry that sounds a bit clumsy - maybe something simpler. "A" cannot change "B's" behaviour but A can change their behaviour towards "B" which will bring about change - not necessarily for the better, but change for sure. OR another example "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got." I know though how difficult it is to change - it needs motivation, time and support. Sometimes it's useful to see things in terms of developing new ways of living, rather than change, as this can be done gradually and ultimately will change things.

Do you mind if I ask how you found out about this group?

Starshank The safehaven café sounds a brilliant idea for all the reasons you say, and do hope it becomes permanent.

I just googled co-dependency and found this: coda.org/ Some of the content does not apply to me, but I'll go and see if it is helpful.

I think me going out and making more of a life for myself may well just make him feel more hopeless and depressed...but it migt not, he might follow me. At least one of us might suffer less. I'm not responsible for his actions. All I can do is try hard for myself. Or kill myself. I'm sick of staying stuck.

That was the US link, here's the UK one: www.coda-uk.org/

That link is really interesting StarShank and I need to look at it again when I am less tired. There is a great deal more to co-dependency than I realised. Are the groups nationwide I wonder. Were you able to identify with any of the statements made in that comprehensive list.

Well I don't really like the patterns and categories, I see no reference to any science there and generally I think putting people in boxes is not wise. However if I had to chose a category to put myself in it would be this one :

"Compliance Patterns:
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
I accept sexual attention when I want love.
I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change."

Although obviously I am not all those things. I just rely on my DH too much to regulate my emotions. If he is ok I'm OK if he is not OK I'm rarely OK.

At work this morning. Will ring the CA and my cpn this afternoon.

DH text me saying he is utterly ashamed of himself... Then didn't text back. Might mean things might change for the better or it might last a week or two before he goes back to drinking and wallowing.

Text back saying he is being a drunken idiot and promised to try harder. I'm not really getting my hopes up as it just feels worse worse when it does not happen, but it could be him starting to change. It's only been 3 months since I've been out of hospital and he does always pull himself out of the shit in the end. We shall see.