Destroying relationships and hurting people while depressed.

[floatyflo]

Another one bites the dust. I've done it again. Taken all my anger, frustration, sadness and craziness on family member.

Both had a drink, started arguing, they said some hurtful things. Like calling me mental. I saw red. Physically pushed them and screamed for them to fuck off out my house. In front of young family members.

It's a mess. I'm a mess. I've self harmed for the first time in a good two years. How do you come back from these situations? Sucidal thoughts too.

I can't be trusted around anyone when I am lie this

How to move on from episodes? How do you resolve a fight?

Hi OP, thinking of you. Your family members shouldn't have called you mental, that was totally unnecessary.You are not a mess. Please don't be hard on yourself, you wouldn't be critical of yourself if you had a physical illness - you'd be gentle on yourself till you were feeling better and this is what you need to do now.

When I feel like that, I try and imagine I've wrapped up my brain in something soft and warm and am letting it rest. Tomorrow, or if not tomorrow, soon, you can think more clearly about how you can start to remedy the situation with your family. It doesn't sound like they were blameless though by any stretch!

Sorry if I'm presuming anything from what you wrote, I just didn't want to leave your posts unanswered x

New here..dh suffers from depression..does that ..flaring up but it is usually when has a drink..doesn't have a drink problem..rarely drinks but it took me a while to see a pattern..drink does not agree with him...he now agrees with me..he especially flared up with his own family after one or two drinks..they are all a bit hot headed but he can handle it when no drink involved...he had to do a lot of picking up pieces afterwards even though they were often at fault because he over reacted he came off looking the worst...its hard but l would say after years of this...drink does not help

Drinking is such a catalyst in these situations. Makes you do things you would rarely/never do when sober. If you can reduce/stop the drinking it should reduce these episodes of pushing people away.

Are you getting any mental health support? Any therapy?

Thanks for your replies. I don't drink often. Really. The odd glass of wine at home after kids in bed. But I did drink a lot that particular day. It was a stressful difficult family occasion and I Def turned to the alcohol to get me through it.

I don't need alcohol to make me push people away and lash out but it definitely fuelled the situation. I suppose any morsel of control In have becomes washed away.

But all that aside, I don't know what to do now. How do I explain and apologise to somebody, for being on the receiving end of my mental state ifyswim, when they clearly just think I am crazy and over reacted. Which I am, and which I did. But they know so little about me.

There is zero mental health services in my area. And I can never go to the doctors and tell them everything because I have two young children. I have an element of control over some emotions and right now I can hide my state from them.

To be honest I don't even know what am I asking for in here. Just somewhere to vent. Saves me harking myself again for now.

Harming*

Where else can I ask without having to go to a Gp?

I worry about social service involvement.

Ask for help that is.

Ergo god in don't want to do all this again! !

I wish I had a normal head

I really dislike going to the the Gp. I don't have a certain doctor, just whatever miserable pompous one the office book me in with.

I hate it. They also that silly little depression test and my mind goes blank. Then I forget everything I went in to say. I forget to tell them half of everything I meant to. Should I my be just write it all down beforehand and hand that to them??

How can I get an appointment quicker? The waiting time at my practice is like two weeks.
My anxiety in that time so when it comes to the day of any sort of appointment, I have built it up so much that then I can't go.

My lost for the doctor would be as follows. .

NIGHTS

Can't sleep.
When do have nightmares.
Yet struggle to get up in the morning.
Irrational fear of the dark.
Fear of seeing a ghost.
Think somebody will break into home.
Worry children will either stop breathing or hearts will stop in their sleep.
Worry about house fire or gas leak. (HAVE HAD SEVERAL RE-OCCURING DREAMS THIS HAS HAPPENED)
Heart palpitations at any noise.
Constantly up and and down checking things.

DAY

Short temper
Inner rageous feelings
Snappy and tired and overwhelmed.
Struggle to maintain conversation and eye contact with people I know or don't know.
Can't think rationally, constantly analyse everything I do or say and how I might be coming across.
Believe the other person doesn't want to talk to me really.
Forget what to say or not to say in certain situations.
Cry a lot.
Worry a lot.
Feel anxious a lot.
Some days don't get dressed.
Have gone days without leaving the house.
Other days can be fairly productive but generally only when children have things going on or to get to. If it weren't for them I would have no control over this all.
Sucidal thoughts but not suicide intention.
Self harm though.

There's more j know there is more.

I'm pretty sure last night I heard a whispering voice. But my ears constantly ring anyway.

I believe I hate my family and they don't like me.
I feel used by people often.
I feel guilty for feeling like this.

Anybody? ?

Hand holding. I do this....lash out, sometimes justified in the why, but the way i do it is awful. Have you thought about mindfulness? I am looking into it, or the moodgym) google both.

I don't know if this would help but St John's wort helped me in the past, as did Bach Flower Remedies (actually the flower remedies were amazing)

I am about to embark on some/all of these as my spiralling negativity is worrying me.

Unfinished work and ideas
Some days I am on top of the world and so productive and the next is a crash a hard hitting crash.

Why is it when they ask how you feel or what is wrong you don't know how to answer.

I keep spending too much money. In fact anything that makes me feel good, I tend to then do too keen of, eating bad food, drinking alcohol; amazing really I haven't taken up smoking again. Waiting for doctors to calm me back. Ben ringing around any local number I could find as Gp surgery just wasn't answering.

It's funny everybody wants me to them all the time, but nobody answers me. My other thread has gone unanswered here.