Destroying relationships and hurting people while depressed.

[floatyflo]

Another one bites the dust. I've done it again. Taken all my anger, frustration, sadness and craziness on family member.

Both had a drink, started arguing, they said some hurtful things. Like calling me mental. I saw red. Physically pushed them and screamed for them to fuck off out my house. In front of young family members.

It's a mess. I'm a mess. I've self harmed for the first time in a good two years. How do you come back from these situations? Sucidal thoughts too.

It's empty in here.

Echo...echo...echo...

I think you need to talk to somebody, and your GP should be the first person. Is there anybody at your GP practice you like as you don't need to see your own GP, and there might be somebody who specialises in mental health? Please do this as a first step, and look up mindfulness on the Internet x

I got through to them in the end. Saw a not - too - dismissive doctor who has given me a couple of prescriptions and a self referral form for local mental health well being team.

See how we go. Amazing the amount of people I got passed to and from to today. Not good really.

I cried at one lady down the phone begging her.not to turn me away too.

I told doctor sometimes I think I have something more than just clinical depression but apparently the well being team will work on that.

Have you apologised yet? You are already depressed. Guilt and worry (about making contact) make it worse. By apologizing, you get over those first hurdles. So even if you turn your phone off after (if you don't think you'll be able to handle their response), apologise.

It's the first step to feeling better. And maybe even making things better.

Small apology to one another through mutual family member. Told them I have not been myself, and I am not using that as an excuse, but just that I need some space and time out to get sorted and then we can attempt to make up and move on from it x

That's good. A direct, short message to the person/people you want to apologise to may help further. And yes to writing all the thoughts you have listed above in a letter and handing it over to your GP. I understand getting tongue tied and feeling stupid when trying to communicate your thoughts.

You have a serious and potentially life threatening illness. Your doctor needs all the details so they can get the best care possible for you. Please make another appointment and give your doctor that list. And keep a copy. You may need to give it to someone else. Is there anyone friend/family you could give it to so that they can help you access the help you need and deserve?