The ultimatum-OCD

[Dad4ever]

HI everyone,

I'm new to this forum, so thanks for taking the time to read this.
I have a problem. Let me tell you a bit from the beginning.
When my wife and I got married, she moved in with me. The house she moved into is owned jointly by myself, my brother and my late aunt.

My wife and I are expecting a baby in November, and by December I will be taking a contract overseas, where my wife and the newborn shall be joining me.

We live with 3 lovely cats, whom my wife used to like.

Ever since she has been pregnant, she has turned against them. She got worried about toxoplasmosis. Although she doesn't actually have any dealings with the cats i.e feeding or changing their cat litter.
Nonetheless, she went for a toxoplasmosis test, which all came back negative. I should mention at this point that she does suffer from OCD ( contamination/disease fear). She was on Sertraline 0.50mg for a while but stopped when she wanted to try for a baby. Since she has come off the meds, her OCD has got progressively worse. It has got to the point now where she sees a specialist midwife weekly to address any concerns with her pregnancy. She has also been referred to see someone to receive CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy).

Anyway, thank god the baby is all fine.

She has told me now that she wants to move out of the house until I go overseas to work. She doesn't want the baby to be near the cats.

Moving out of the house is going to be very costly, as I'm already paying a mortgage. It would cost over £1000 p/m excluding food. She has told me that she would foot the bill for moving out from 'daddy's money'.
To me it seems a bit extreme, as this money could go towards our baby's future and anything unexpected.
The house we are in has a spare room, which would be great as a room for the baby.

She has also told me that she needs her own space. I fully appreciate this, but if she could just wait a few months until we all travel overseas, she can have all the space she needs.

I love my wife dearly, I want to help her, and would welcome your opinions on this matter. I want her to be happy but i don't want her to be controlled by her OCD. She has given me an ultimatum. Either the cats go or we move out. This is a real tough one.

Do you have family or friends to help with the baby?

You might be ok living on your own but living alone we a baby with no support nearby is tough. Would your husbands family support you? Would they support you at BILs house?

I suppose if BIL isn't going to be much help with a baby and you'd get the same help living on your own, then yes, I'd rather live on my own. At least you can shut the door and fall apart have some me time.

My Brother in law is lovely but he has no experience with babies so I don't think he will be much of a help to me ..

My husband's family does not live in London and I don't think they will come down to support me .

My mother will be staying with me for a month or so after birth then she will go back to my home country.

Can you go and stay with your mum in your home country while your DH is abroad, and then join him from there?

@plinth, the problem is that I don't want the baby to take part of the vaccination here and some at my home country , I want everything to be done here as in couple of years time we will be moving back to the UK ... So no I can not move before March 15.

Which is the bigger problem? The cats or the BIL sharing with you?

@choochootrain1 : Both :) I am not happy with the whole situation . I have been putting up with it for three years for my dear husband but now need to move on and have my own place , own private life where no pets and no one else living with us .

It is not about my BIL only, I would not live with even my brother or sister. Every couple needs their privacy ...

Ah, I see. Do you think your husband understands this? From his OP it reads like he thought it was really the cats that were the issue and that was down to your OCD, so maybe now it's clearer it will help you both to think up a solution?

If your only problem with the house was the OCD, then it would be more complicated, but if you have other reasons for wanting to move that makes it simpler.

If you can afford it then I think it is really understandable to want to have your privacy and feel more at ease. You are going to be pregnant, or looking after a baby without your husband, during this time - so you need to be as comfortable as possible. I don't know the costs involved with your current property, but it sounds like you may have saved a fair amount by living there compared to what you could have paid in rent elsewhere. Maybe now it is worth it for you to spend more for this next 6 months.

The only thing I would say is - please assess your OCD severity seriously with the midwife or other medics. There is a chance it could worsen after the birth, and you will need someone to keep a close eye on you. If your OCD is very bad, then the plan for you to care for the baby alone and be away from your husband (whether in your current house or a rental) doesn't sound very workable. If your mum would be able to stay a bit longer, if you need it, that would make a big difference.

I know I would be worse with the OCD if I am staying in our current place as the place never gets clean because of the 3 cats and their hair all over the place , even my husband try to clean that every day , you can still find cat sick and cat hair all over .. 3 cats are not easy (if it was only 1 cat, it would have been easier)

But the Privacy part is a very important thing for me now (my husband thinks it is ok to stay here because he is very close to his brother), I appreciate it but I need my own space .

The main reason my husband posted this , he wanted to see what people will say regarding my OCD and the Privacy I need .

My OCD is something out of my hands that I can not control, I am trying to get CBT and have an appointment soon but I think any new mum will be so worried about having three cats around a new born baby, So it is not 100% OCD but also for the baby well being....

I never loved cats when I was young but when I moved to this house I started liking them but something happened when I got pregnant, I don't know what but I just cant bare looking at them ...

Regarding the Privacy Part, My father would help me with the rent so it won't be affecting the mortgage or any burden on my husband.

My mum can stay 3 months if I need her , so I am sure she will be of a great help to me .

I think a lot of women relate re the cats and pregnancy.

If there is no issue with finances it doesn't sound like too unreasonable to move out, I can see where your husband is coming from that you could save the money... but given your OCD I think it might actually be wise to take steps to help you relax in the pregnancy. Better that you feel in control than the need to control pops up in other areas in a more damaging way imho...

I would take your husband with you though if you move out, not leave him with BIL

I totally understand your reasons for wanting to move out and I think they are valid ones. If it is financially viable for you to do so I think you should do it. I think your husband is being a bit dismissive of your feelings and I think it's wrong to suggest this is about your OCD.

From what you say Jessica I think you should move, you won't need to be alone if your mum can stay on. To the DH/OP, I think you should support your wife with this, you shouldn't pressure her, especially since you won't be paying. I understand posting to get opinions on privacy/OCD though. It seems most people agree with your wife on the privacy - I definitely would want privacy if I were going to be heavily pregnant and coping with a new baby. With the OCD, I think that is something that needs medical attention whether you move or not. CBT is important, medication is also a possibility especially after the birth.

CBT for OCD is not a passive treatment that is just administered or given to you, it involves time/work/fear-facing on the part of the patient. I think if you can get started with it before the birth that would be best, either privately or through self help books if need be.

Hi Jessica. I had not realised you lived in the same house as your BIL. That changes things. The way I read the OP was that your dh owned the house with BIL and late aunt.

When I was pregnant I wanted to:
Rest, whenever I wanted and especially towards the end
in the heat wear thin, cool, short clothes as until someone has undertaken pregnancy they cannot understand how hot it is. In winter I never needed the heating on either in pregnancy!
Have space to nest. Nesting for me was instinctive and I needed to do it.

So yes if living with family would want privacy. Hope your dh can read these posts. And if DH owns the house you currently live in and has no mortgage then you are currently living rent free and it is fairly normal to pay rent/mortgage. How much you choose to pay is your choice depending on where you live.

And to be fair to BIL, having a tiny baby in the house could be difficult for him. As you will be up feeding/chugging/going to kitchen at all hours in those first few months. And babies are not quiet always!! If he has to work he will be tired. So either he moves out ( perhaps not an option?) or you do.

I do not know much about cats but I would be scared about having one around a tiny baby.

And to have your Mum for up to 3 months is amazing. That will be a great help. I would have loved help like that as an option.

I would not want to live in a place where I felt uncomfortable when I was pregnant and had a baby. I think you need to move out. Why do you want to live with your brother anyway? The cat issue will be solved too then although OCD won't go away. Get CBT ASAP it is the only thing that really helps. When baby is born if you want to try sertraline again then take at least 100mg which is the therapeutic dose. 50mg won't do much.
Very brave moving abroad when you've just had a baby. Just make sure treatment can still be accessed there.

Just wanted to say my bit about the cats and OCD.

I was taking medication for my OCD/anxiety/depression and stopped when I became pregnant. I also had three cats whom I adored - but hated the sight of when I became pregnant, it was the strangest (and saddest) thing. It's a bad time for cat hair by the way - I only have one and currently and the house needs dusting/hovering daily.

I also had regular support from midwives because of my mental health issues, but they were midwives, not psychologists, and so their level of support was not really enough for me. I didn't take my medication even after I gave birth, partly because I was breast feeding and was worried it would pass on to the baby, and partly because I was in denial (which is a part of the illness). It was a few years until I took my medication again, and realised what it was to feel normal again. I can tell you now, having OCD and a baby/toddler do not mix very well at all!!

If I could go back in time, I would never have stopped taking my medication. Yes, of course it's preferable not to, for the baby's sake. But I very nearly lost my mind, and thank god I didn't lose my baby when I flipped out one night.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, be very, very, careful. OCD can be a very powerful and debilitating condition. What your baby needs is a safe, healthy and happy mother. You need to be very aware and get help in monitoring your well being.

I do not know much about cats but I would be scared about having one around a tiny baby

SilverStars cats are perfectly safe around tiny babies and I have never heard of a tiny baby being harmed by a cat.

0.001 percent risk for the baby

I think the risk of you being stressed out is perhaps higher though?

If you can move out, and you feel it's best I think you should. I don't see any reason as to why you shouldn't move out :)

cats are perfectly safe around tiny babies and I have never heard of a tiny baby being harmed by a cat

I don't mean to scaremonger or anything but this isn't strictly true. I used to find my mother's cat asleep on my baby brother, which of course could be dangerous. He also had a thing for trying to lie on my face when I was asleep.

Ok I have 2 questions:

Could you follow the British vaccination schedule abroad through a private doctor?

Could your mum come from January to March?

I had very similar mental health issues when pregnant. It is very hard going and it's also very difficult for loved ones. I suffered from hyperenesis but wouldn't take meds because of a minuscule risk. I wouldn't even take paracetamol.

The thing is that it truly isn't good for your baby if you're stressed, I know that's not what you want to hear but you need to weigh up the risks. Equally, I don't think, from my experience, that saying OCD is out of your hands is an entirely helpful way of looking at it. I did this for a while and in retrospect I used it to justify everything I was doing and vilify anyone who questioned it . My advice would be keep fighting, keep trying to make things better.

I don't know if you should move out or not, I didn't clean my cats litter tray but other than that it was something I didn't worry about. Like I say I worried / obsessed about allot of other meaningless things instead.

I do think you're underestimating how vulnerable you will feel post birth. Will you try to breast feed? If so will you take medication during this time? If not you need to take this into consideration .

I think the wife would probably obsess more about the risks of the medication if she took it than she currently does based on her feelings regarding it in pregnancy. I would have done myself - I was ill enough to need a MBU, I still say I made the right choice for me and my baby. I would have worried more had I taken it. And continued worrying through every milestone.

If it gets out of control though after birth she def needs to consider breast feeding and where she stands on the risks. I felt formula was less of a risk than the meds and opted not to bf as mine was out of control enough by then to need meds to be able to function at first.

I wonder why the husband is choosing to ignore the other really significant points?

I think you need to listen to your wife, and not diss miss her valid feelings as she she OCD. I would separate out what is the illness and what are completely normal and reasonable needs. Then deal with both properly, and fully.

@choochootrain1, I want to breat feed but I also need to star medication when the baby is born so I will have sadly to give up the breat feeding option.

@missilaniousassortment, my husband is a cat lover and it is so hard to convince him that it is not comfertable having them around , it is like convincing someone who loves chocolate so much that it tastes bad lol , his po