anyone around to chat to me about my new therapy?

[AChickenNamedDirk]

Anyone around? I've got pretty severe depression with constant thoughts of suicide and self harm. Finally referred to therapy. Had the 2nd session today and feel oddly detached.

After my first one I had lots of emotion building inside and I carefully controlled the emotion. I was hoping to pick up where i started this time but it just didn't happen.

I am not sure how to get the best out of it... I am trying to be as open as I can with my therapist.

I've had therapy for many years, many years ago, IYSWIM so I am not new at this. Though i was never able to express emotion then for 5+ yrs of therapy.

I have no direct experience of depression but lots of going to therapists.

I realise it's early days but are you able to talk about everything or are you holding anything back?

Why do you feel you need to control the emotion?

Do you feel comfortable with your therapist?

Did you never cry during your sessions? are you able to cry in real life? Sorry for all the questions?

I do feel comfortable with her. She is kind.

I just really need to let the emotion out and cannot. I feel ashamed of everything Im saying. Im quite embarrassed about losing control.

I wish the sessions were longer and more frequent.

Last week I was overwhelmed with some emotion for a moment and tried to hide some tears in my eyes. She paused and kind of let me be but i felt so self conscious. Silly really.

I've never cried in therapy until the 'wet eyes' at last weeks.

I can cry otherwise but only in certain circumstances. Often alone.

In fact my depression makes me spontaneously cry quite a lot but I'm alone

Thinking about it, I am afraid of some actually comforting me. Even with words.

I wish you felt able to let go of the emotion. Each session would then be a release for you and I think you'd be more able to cope outside the therapy room. Why don't you tell your therapist you want to express your emotion but can't. she will then be able to work with you on this.

The therapist will not judge you. She is there for you, your supporter, more than a friend ever could be because they can be objective.

Its true the sessions go by so fast. I'm assuming you are having this on the NHS which is why you can't have extra sessions.

Hi it can take time to be able to express emotion so Would it help to start next session talking about that? Most NHS therapy has very strict boundaries on start and finish times. I remember being very distressed and being toke " your 50mins is up, time to go". This is partly to stop people being dependent on their therapist but also they have other patients to see and have to keep to time and also to stop people behaving in certain ways to get more time the therapist told me ( I had 8 or so sessions). It is hard.

I hope it is helpful for you.

Thanks. Actually talking about finding it hard, embarrassing, etc to cry is a good point. I wouldn't have thought of that- strange as it seems.

I did feel some element of relief form last week though i feel like I'd run a marathon after 24hrs of no sleep afterwards. That was for a slightly wet eyes.

Its actually private, though my work health insurance. Maybe I can see her more than once a week. I thought that it was the way it goes, once a week for 50mins only.

I am feeling enormous amounts of pent up emotions of all sorts in the in between times. I really wanted to take action on self harm and suicide this week. Shame Im too afraid of that!

Your therapist won't comfort you in the traditional sense. They can't give physical comfort. When I cry during therapy, my therapist doesn't say any words to comfort me either. She is just there quietly in the room, accepting and not judging. The tears will show her that you have tapped into a feeling or a subject that is difficult for you but in effect you comfort yourself. You use the tissues and the therapists will pick up on the issue and explore that. They dont tell you not to cry or not to be upset. in real life someone would comfort you or get embarrassed or worried. The therapist stays constant, a reassuring presence in the room. They have been through therapy themselves. They understand.

Sorry if I'm making it sound simplistic. Do you have anyone in real life that you talk to outside of the sessions.

Thanks for the info about crying. Its a strange thing to be clueless about.

I guess I am worried she will also see me as weak and think, "oh no, another blubber"

Just talking about this now is bringing me to tears. Its a good thing.

I don't really talk to anyone in detail about how i feel. its so tied in with wanted to harm myself its hard. My H knows about it and is supportive as long as Im not acting odd. I need to pull myself together before he gets home soon.

i was always mocked for crying by family as child. I was the youngest and lots of shite happened and everyone was very dysfunctional. My sister used to wind me up by making me watch sad tele like Lassie or Littlest Hobo then laugh at me when i cried.

Maybe you can't have more than one session i it's through your insurance- best to check. Please don't take any action on the thoughts you are having. Are you in the UK. If so you must ring Samaritans if you feel the urge to do anything or even if you just need to talk between sessions.

I am really jumping around here but typing is helping.

My work know about the issue and therapy as I had to tell them as my performance was so off. I work in a very demanding city job with long hours, I have 2 kids and almost no time to myself- none of which helps. Lots of H issues over the years also add to my lack of enjoyment of things.

The therapist and I talked about phoning people if I really feel that I need to do something. Either the clinic, my psychiatrist (had to be assessed for the purposes of the insurance but proved very helpful) or Samaritans. I have their number in my phone.

I also worried about the impulsive ness of the harming thoughts. my brain takes over when I'm waiting for my train to work. I have to step away from the platform edge as the fast train comes through as Im a bit scared I will do something involuntary.

FWIW, Im pretty sure I won't do anything major. I can't i've got two kids. Plus Im a wimp.

"I guess I am worried she will also see me as weak and think, "oh no, another blubber"

I would bet more people cry than don't during therapy. She will have seen everything and then some. You are affected by how emotion was treated in your family and that's not your fault. as you admit you come from a dysfunctional family. There is nothing wrong or weak about crying. I'm a big crier. Some people are more sensitively wired than others and cry more.

I'm glad your husband is supportive but concerned he is not supportive when you act "odd" as you put it.The need to self-harm is you trying to express yourself/your pain (a cry for help). I think if you felt more understood/able to cry then the need to harm might diminish. There are lots of resources out there to help.

Thank you so much for replying to me tonight. I feel quite alone and its really helped to get a rational view.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/#.U63dbfldXWQ

Wow that link is pretty informative and very accurate to how I feel in many ways.

That's ok. I wish i could help more.

I'm sure having a stressful job and 2 kids doesn't help. My anxiety increased hugely after becoming a parent.

Get support from occupational health if you can too. I hope the therapy will help you. It's not for everyone and it can get worse before it gets better but I'm a great believer in therapy as a powerful tool. It's a container of dysfunction too. Someone once told me that you can leave some of that dysfunction in the therapy room enabling you to cope better outside. So go in next week and maybe talk about your self-harming thoughts. If they do any CBT (and it maynot be her thing), she will try to help you to change your thought processes at the times these intrusive thoughts occur.

thank you Anone. You've really helped me tonight. A mini therapy session. I will think about your suggestions and take them to my next session.

thanks

No problem. I have to go to bed soon but I'm on most days so will check this thread and be wishing you will. feel free to PM any time.