anyone around to chat to me about my new therapy?

[AChickenNamedDirk]

Anyone around? I've got pretty severe depression with constant thoughts of suicide and self harm. Finally referred to therapy. Had the 2nd session today and feel oddly detached.

After my first one I had lots of emotion building inside and I carefully controlled the emotion. I was hoping to pick up where i started this time but it just didn't happen.

I am not sure how to get the best out of it... I am trying to be as open as I can with my therapist.

It strikes me that because your emotions were previously treated with scorn, rejection and unkindness, you are expecting the same from your therapist. How could you not?

But therapists don't approach things like that. It would be against the absolute fundamental core of the training they do. As therapists, their job is to find out how and why you are suffering and try to enable you to suffer less.

I wonder if it would help you to talk to your therapist about this? I had similar beliefs to you (still do but I'm getting better at challenging them) and it helped a lot to have my therapist explain that he thinks it is brave to come to therapy and immensely important and that he feels privileged to be with people in their struggles.

I just really need to let the emotion out and cannot. I feel ashamed of everything Im saying. Im quite embarrassed about losing control.

It seems that working on this IS the therapy for you right now. It's fantastic that you can voice these feelings - it's the first step to changing them. It makes sense that you can't just go in and cry without feeling self conscious given how you were treated in the past. But that doesn't mean you won't be able to, with your therapist's help.

Thanks Appletini. That's a helpful post. I have been effectively sitting in the room curled up in a prickly ball. I am very good at chatting about the safe stuff but freeze at the hard stuff. I need help to unfurl I think.

The weekend was ok after Friday night but this morning the black cloud descended again.

Next session is tomorrow. Need to focus to get the best from it

I need to talk about how hard it is to express myself.

Can you write something down and bring it with?

Is it your 3rd session today? It can take a long time to build up enough trust, to let go in a session. It also takes time to get to know each other and form a relationship. I've been in therapy for a while and it's been much harder than I thought it would be, to let go and to trust that my emotions won't be met with anger, rejection or humiliation... in fact, I am not even there yet... but closer.

If you think 1 session per week is not enough, ask for more. I've found it really helpful increasing sessions, I feel a lot more contained and less stressed about trying to cram in a weeks worth of stuff into 1 session.

But most importantly, be kind to yourself as much as you can. It really does take time. Good luck and hope you are able to get some respite soon.