Why can't I get over this experience?

[icepole]

About fifteen years ago, while at college, I had an unpleasant involvement with a man which wrecked me. All these years later I don't understand why it has had such an impact on me. He was my first sexual partner but I know lots of people have shitty sexual experiences in their younger years (there was a fair amount of coercion, a lot of the sex was painful, I got infections from him all the time because he refused to use condoms, he ignored anything I said about this or anything else when it came to sex, I feel sick still when I think about it) In the end I dropped out of college and moved away, got depressed, had medication and therapy etc etc.

But I still get nightmares, it still colours my life nearly every single day. I know other people who have had negative experiences like this but who just chalk it up to experience and move on and I don't know why I can't do the same. I hate that he still has so much control over my life after all this time. Why would I get so stuck on it? It doesn't feel normal. I feel very stuck when it comes to it and a bit fed up too. I don't want it I to have the power that it does but I don't know how to undo it. I am afraid I will always feel this way.

Counselling can really help you to get "unstuck" and move past this.

I had five years worth of therapy after it happened, it was helpful but when it ended I still felt very much left with it.

What kind of therapy did you have? 5 Years is a long time. Were you taught how to deal with the negative thoughts and how to try and change the nightmares?

It was psychotherapy and no, it was just lots of talking. It wasn't all with the same therapist as it was through a charity and people kept moving on so it was a bit of a disrupted process but mainly I was just meant to talk and the other person listened and asked reflective questions and then I was too old for the charity and I was sent on my way.

Do you have fears left?
anger?
a sense of loss?

Hi icepole. I've recently started counselling again. One of the things that my counseller said to me, which I found very useful, was that there are some things that people never 'get over.' It's quite normal to have to keep 'revisiting' things through some kind of therapy. To expect to be ok with something that hurt you so much is putting unrealistic expectations on yourself. She reckons that it's possible to be ok for a certain amount of time but you have to recognise when you need to address it again.
It's perfectly understandable to still be affected by what happens to you. Do you think you could face more councelling?

I still feel loss, anger and shame.

I feel a bit unfixable and weird because I feel it effects me more than it should.

anger at yourself or anger at him?

Do you want to move on emotionally?
Or do you find it easier in some way not to?

Am not trying to be mean.
And I wonder if we are saying the same things that therapy covered?

I think that it would be normal to feel loss
Shame, you shouldnt feel that, but I realise that that is so easy to post, but not as easy to carry out.
[He was responsible, not you].

Personally I never feel that anything is unfixable.

Is there anything else going on in your life?
Are you self medicating in some way for example?
Is someone bending your ear in the wrong way?

I think anger at both me and him, me for being so stupid and not getting out sooner, him for, well everything.

I want it to not dominate me emotionally anymore, I don't want to keep dreaming about it. I wake up and right from the get go I am feeling sick from it.

I am not self medicating (I don't drink, take anything). I am experiencing a lot of anxiety just now although I can't pin it on to anything specific. I go through periods where I bury it successfully and then it digs it's way back up again and I have to rebury it, it's exhausting.

In my limited experience, burying something that is important, does not work.

Do you think it is a case of forgiveness?

You havent got anything to forgive yourself about.
But you are judging yourself which is not good.

It sounds like you're obsessing over it a little bit, have you thought about it constantly since it happened or just recently? Do you suffer from OCD/anxiety at all? I do and can get fixated on thoughts sometimes.

Maybe speak to your Gp about getting CBT as it actually helps you stop obsessing about certain thoughts.

You didn't do anything wrong, he sounds like a disgusting human being and none of it was your fault at all. I hope you can move past it, close that chapter and start living soon x

I try not to think about it. Avoid films that I know might trigger me etc but the dreams bring it back, if I could stop those it would make a big difference.

It hasn't been constant, it resurfaces. I just don't think it should be as powerful when it does if that makes sense, it should be more like a normal memory after all this time.

I always ignore dreams. It has taken me a while, and mine are not awful, but I realise that dreams are quite frankly, rubbish.
It takes a while, probably took me months.

I put a note under my pillow to take out at night. It said "the dreams are rubbish".
Made me chuckle when I pulled the note out, and it was like my sensible self was telling my silly night self not to be silly.

Dont know if that might work for you at all?

I dont think that you should minimise your feelings to try and make them disappear. I dont think it works that way[says the amateur me].

I agree I am just a bit bored of myself! It does feel easier if I try not to think about it. The dreams make me feel ill, they make feel powerless I suppose, like then. I wake up feeling horrible and I find it hard to shake off. It goes through cycles though, I seem to be in the middle of it just now.

Ignore dreams. It will take practice.

Dont ignore your daytime proper feelings though.

Interestingly I had normal dreams last night and feel much better today, perhaps posting it helped.

Hi icepole. Glad to hear you had a better night last night. It sounded as if you might have had an old-fashioned form of therapy called psychoanalysis, in which you endlessly talk but don't really learn any coping skills. I agree with crispy, ask your gp about CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Instead of looking endlessly at the past it will help you deal with unhelpful thoughts and beliefs you have right now.

Let me give you an example. Because of several factors (including being molested as a child) I was fiercely independent, didn't like men touching me and never imagined myself in a relationship. Not that there is anything wrong with being that way, it's just that I had cut myself off from from a huge part of possible human experience, mostly subconsciously. I started seeing a psychologist for depression and this stuff came up. He helped me understand how my feelings towards men were inaccurate, how it is possible to be strong, intelligent and in a relationship. Today I'm happily married.

About the dreams... have you ever seen or read Harry Potter? You know that scene where they use the boggart to face their worst fears? Can you picture your ex in your mind, and then change him into something ridiculous and non-threatening? Perhaps if you can consciously do this it will lessen the hold that he and your memories still have on your life.

Another technique you can try is to write all the bad things down, then burn the paper or rip it into pieces and flush it down the toilet, symbolically destroying the emotional impact.

I hope that some of this will be useful to you. [thanks\

Sorry, meant to give you

Yes that was it, the thing I found strange was that no one explained the process to me at any stage. I would go every week and try my best to talk about things that I could hardly talk about. There was a lot of silence and being looked at! I never had any idea what the therapist was thinking really or if I was getting it right.

And thank you for sharing that story, it's full of hope.

Sounds like a shit therapist. Just talking about what you went through wont help. You need a plan and action, CBT is great for it.

Glad that this thread is helping you.

You say you have nightmares OP - are they flashbacks to things that happened at the time? If so, you might have traumatic memories associated with that time and there is a specific therapy (EMDR) that can be really helpful at enabling you to move on. If you google EMDR association uk and Ireland you will get more information.