About fifteen years ago, while at college, I had an unpleasant involvement with a man which wrecked me. All these years later I don't understand why it has had such an impact on me. He was my first sexual partner but I know lots of people have shitty sexual experiences in their younger years (there was a fair amount of coercion, a lot of the sex was painful, I got infections from him all the time because he refused to use condoms, he ignored anything I said about this or anything else when it came to sex, I feel sick still when I think about it) In the end I dropped out of college and moved away, got depressed, had medication and therapy etc etc.
But I still get nightmares, it still colours my life nearly every single day. I know other people who have had negative experiences like this but who just chalk it up to experience and move on and I don't know why I can't do the same. I hate that he still has so much control over my life after all this time. Why would I get so stuck on it? It doesn't feel normal. I feel very stuck when it comes to it and a bit fed up too. I don't want it I to have the power that it does but I don't know how to undo it. I am afraid I will always feel this way.