Someone please tell me how bad depression really is - I can't help feeling put upon by DH unable to do anything!

[LurkaLittle]

OK, DH is depressed, it's official & he is off work. So, I am going to work, dealing with kids, meals , housework etc etc.

He keeps promising to do things around the house - which never get done. OK, can live with that (they haven't been done for years, why change now?). I am trying to be supportive but I am also v.stressed about future work etc for DH. It's all very worrying.

Anyway, today am not feeling well. Really did not want to cook tea. Tried asking him to do it, or even get a takeaway. Of course, he doesn't feel like it either. After an hour of no progress I get up & make tea, and serve it, and clear up after, and feed animals etc.

Sorry - sound like a right whinger, but how long does this go on for. It's making ME ill too but I can't be. Work is pants & would love to quit but with DH off sick would be mad.

MAybe I just need a rant.

Lurkalittle-No real experience of this myself but just wanted to reply and bump this for you.
Hopefully someone will come along soon with some advice.

I wrote this once to try and explain to other folk what it was like. Hope it helps.

vvvqv

Imagine walking through a lovely meadow. The sun shining. Looking up at a beautiful sky. Bright blue, lots of fluffy white clouds drifting by. Butterflies fluttering amongst the buttercups and daisies. Your fingers brushing the tips of the long grass as you walk.....and then suddenly, you stumble.

You manage to catch yourself after faltering for a bit. You dust yourself down, and keep on walking, admiring the beautiful surroundings. You stumble again, this time falling into a deep, unmarked pit. You keep falling and falling, grabbing out and flailing wildly to try and get a grip on something, anything. After what seems like forever, you stop your slide downwards and hit rock bottom. You are exhausted from your sudden and unexpected decent into darkness.

Before you know where you are, and what has happened, you are at the bottom of a deep hole with no idea how you got there or how to get out. You can see a chink of light in the top, but its quite far away, and you cant trust that the chink of light is the only way out, but you claw towards it anyway, even though you are exhausted and bruised and battered from your fall.

Its a lonely time in this hole. Only you and the darkness. You couldnt see anyone else even if they were there, because of the darkness and coldness of your environment. But once you realise where you are, you know you have to clamber out and,` if you are lucky, someone will pass by and offer a hand of help to pull you out.

Despite being exhausted, and bruised and battered, you clamber you way to the top, and you finally make your way out of the hole. Yet you are still shocked and stunned by what happened. How could you miss such a big hole in front of you? Why couldnt you see it coming? How come no-one before you has fallen into this hole (you think) and not thought to block it up? Many people before you has managed to walk through the meadow without falling into this pit, why couldnt you have seen it coming, or prevented it, or just had a better journey?

You are stood, standing in this beautiful meadow, but all you can think about is the dark hole that you have just fallen into and clambered out of, how sore and aching your body is, and how tired you are. The beauty around you means nothing for a while. But you are grateful to be out, and you realise you should appreciate the beautiful surroundings.

You keep walking, but you find yourself no longer admiring the sky, the clouds, the butterflies, the flowers. You are busy looking at your feet. Concentrating hard, because, you dont want to fall into another pit, and waylaid by your aching bones and tired body.

You lose sight of all the beautiful things around you because you are continuing your journey looking only down at the ground, on alert for danger. You dont appreciate the sky, the clouds, the flowers, the butterflies, because you are too scared of falling down another hole, you still have the bruises from the last fall.

You are terrified that, if you take your eyes off terra firma for a moment, you could slip down that hole again and you wont find your way out so easily this time.

It is a long, lonely journey, spent staring at the ground, before you trust your surroundings, and your instincts enough again to appreciate your journey, and realise its beauty. To wander through the meadow staring at the beautiful blue sky and fluffy white clouds.

hi Lurka, I really feel for you. I have suffered from depression on and off for years now and my dh must have the patience of a saint to put up with it.

It is difficult. I am assuming your husband is getting therapy and medication to help him? Meds usually take around 3 weeks to properly kick in but please don't be under any illusion that the first one he tries will be a wonder-drug. I had to go through about 5 different drugs before I found one that worked for me, so it can be a long, painful process.
But, with some form of counselling alongside this then you may see a change in him sooner. Here's hoping eh?

As for coping with day to day life, well it's hard too. I personally had to keep on working because it was the only thing that got me up in the morning and without it i'd have been even more of a mess.
But with regard to things like cooking dinner, maybe a combined effort is the way forward? An explanation "I know you feel crap, but I do too" followed by a plea "so can you just give me a hand to do a few bits?" may lead to at least some help.

I hope things look a little brighter soon

Message withdrawn

I was where you are now last Autumn. DH worked ridiculous hours, became totally burnt out and ended up having a month off work. I was really really worried about what would happen about his work in the future, so much so that I set up a small online business.

Reading your post again, I could have written that word for word. I remember worrying it would go on for ever and that would be my life forever. He went onto anti-depressants and gradually started getting better. We were lucky in that his boss was fairly understanding for a few months which gave us a bit of leeway. He has changed jobs now and removed himself from the stress that made him ill in the first place.

I did everything when he was ill pretty much and had the added worry of looking after my mother after a major operation and I really did think I was going to lose the plot. But he has gradually got better and although still on medication has been reducing the dose. One big mistake I made though was not making him do more again as he got better and the other day I completely freaked out as I found I was doing pretty much everything, he didn't even know which day the bins went out.

I found I had to switch off to some extent from his depression as a method of self preservation. I'd try as much as possible to rope in as much support from friends and family for you as it is so hard in this situation. Ring someone tomorrow and see if you can get an hour or two to yourself this weekend. Hang in there, it does get better.

Total sympathy. DH has had bipolar disorder/depression for 18 years (intermittent). When he's ill all he can do is go to bed. I'm not sure if I will ever feel up to having a second child - it sometimes feels a miracle we can make it through the days with one. He's currently off work - I must say the difference it has made has been fabulous.

Not sure where you are in the journey. Are you getting benefits? Is he 'under the doctor'? has this happened before? Is he trying any therapy, drugs, or programme that could help him?

If he's not trying anything then that just won't do. If dh sleeps too much, sleeps too little, doesn't take exercise (just a stroll round the block is a step forward), doesn't take his meds (thank God he always does), drinks, takes dope (thank God he does neither) eats crap etc then OF COURSE he is going to feel rough. He still will, even if he does those things, but he will come out of it sooner, and be in it less. Dh has regular appointmetns with a consultant, a community psychiatric nurse, a rainbow of medication, has had therapy, keeps a mood diary - it's hard work but it's the only way.

What keeps me OK tbh is serious practical support from my family and his family, including financial support Only succumbed to the latter recently but it's the time spent looking after ds, housework, gardening, that really counts . Do you have family/friends to ask? If so, you need to ask for anything they can offer. Are your children at school (my ds isn't?) maybe some of their parents' friends would have them over sometimes if you need an emergency break. You also need to go to your GP, ask to have the fact that you are a carer put on your notes and ask what support they offer. You might be surprised. If they can't do anything for you, you're no worse off than you were.

In the meantime, try and get a few tins in the cupboard that require no cooking. And get some takeaway menus for places that deliver.

Bossy again. God. Sorry. Believe me I do sympathise.

It is really quite extraordinarily bad. It is so bad that the fear of it usually keeps me from discussing it or reading in this topic, but your title caught my eye. And I have not had a serious episode for over 10 years.

It scares the shit out of me. I can't begin to describe it, tbh. I truly do feel for you, but the thought of someone being mad at me while I was depressed because I couldn't cook a meal is giving me the heebie jeebies. I would equally be no bloody good if I were in your position at all. Being around depressed people is only marginally better than being depressed yourself IMO. I feel very sorry for you both and hope your dh can get effective treatment very quickly.

Thanks everyone. Do appreciate the replies.

I think my problem is that I am worn out myself so less than usual sympathetic support tower than would like to be. DOn't know if generally unwell or just ground down

I am a name changer for this thread - why is it no-one like to admit depression? Family know my regular posting name & kids often look on here!DH won't tell his Mother or any of our friends or even church, which makes things worse as you are forever putting on a front.

He has had a month off, went back but now off again. Only just started to take any tablets when realised last week that it wasn't going to go away.

VVQV - fab post. Thanks. & to everyone who replied, I really appreciate it.

The Power of MN

Just to add to all that has alredy been said.
I sat my DH down at the weekend and explained what depression is like for me at the moment. -
I use every single piece of energy that I have to look after DD during the day and to try not to disrupt her life too much. At the end of the day I have nothing left, for him, for me for anything. I am empty, without any emotion. Everything is too much effort.
Depression is difficult for others because the sufferer doesnt "look ill". But as I said to DH, I am ill and at times I need looking after, but I am trying to come back to you I just need time.

Aaw loujay, thats how Im feeling atm.

LAL, Please be patient, for your DH, knowing that you understand and are there for him will be one of the best things you can do for him to help him recover.

May I suggest that you need strength to support him. Perhaps you could organise friends or family to have kids for weekend - just some respite for you to "re-arm". Also, don't be afraid to go to your GP for yourself - both for support and advice. I haven't suffered from depression but have been close to people who have and I know their partners coped better knowing it is a chemical/physical condition that you can't just pull yourself out of - just like any other illness.

My sympathies to you and others. Isn't mumsnet a great place to rant, ask, talk things through....

The thing with depression, is, well that it is an illness. Whatever causes it in the first place is, to some extent, irrelevent. This is because the end result is a chemical imbalance in the brain whereby serotonin is not produced in enough quantities. (This is what affects mood etc). To get that level back up you need to fix that imbalance.

Now, some have counselling to get past whatever it is that has caused the depression, and once things are on an even keel in that respect, their body starts to act accordingly. It is a long and slow process though.

With me, it was PND, so mine was kicked off by my own hormones. Then added to that was a lack of sleep for over 6 months and stress from my former job to exacerbate it.

I have taken AD's in the form of SSRI's which get your brain to produce the serotonin again. They took about 2 weeks to start working. I was still getting some down periods and an inability to sleep despite being immensely tired so my dose was upped. That was end of April, and I havent had a bad day since. Not that I can remember, anyway.

HTH

being depressed is n't an excuse not to pull your weight in a relationship but you and dh need to negoiate what he is capable of achieving and you need to encourage hoim to do it but ne understanding that he needs to so it in his own time. Excercise and doing things (a sense of achievemnt can help depression so start small and build it up by you doing everything he may feel guilty and more depressed therefore creating a visious circle

my dh went through this last year

I would enlist family and friends to come and help if they can

also if kids are old enough to do a few simple chores
write the chores on a pice of paper and put in a hat I use a bowl
and then their name and they can be assigned to that chore
with your name thrown in too as it makes it fun for the kids
re dishes washed/away
hoovering
cleaning off worktops etc

sorry for waffling, hope your dh gets better soon
take care
xxx

oh Vladimir, you really have been there havent you? Yes very good analogy. Mine was you have arrived in a beautiful rose garden, the colours are vivid, the scent is unbelievable but only you see it in black and white without the scent.

It is like someone has stolen your senses. I knew I needed help when spider crawled over me and I didnt flinch!!

Lurkalittle, my best advice as an ex sufferer of pnd is

Try not to keep mentioning it.

Try not to tell dh how much you are affected by it. (in my book this was telling me my dh didnt have a clue what I was going through cos if he did he wouldnt of moaned so much) It also hindered my recovery.

Go to GP and seek help with the family in order to smooth the path for you and take pressure of dh.

He will come through it but it will take time.

Do as much as you can but dont take all responsibility - get help but not from dh.

If he were laying there with two broken legs you wouldnt dream of asking him for assistance, this is not any different it is just that you cant see the broken mind.

Good Luck and try to stay chipper for the kids.

my post reads back awful but it worked for dh and me last year and we learnt alot about each other in the process some days will be good and others will be c* but deal with it cheerfully and try not to let your feelings build up

Dp's mother cared for his father for 25 years, he had bi-polar. She respected the fact that he did not want help and as a result carried the burden completely alone and hid a lot of what was going on from others, she just always said things were 'fine'. I think most of the family now believe she 'cared' too much almost and FIL never had to think about the practicalities of life, allowing him more time to focus on his illness. I know this situation is totally different from yours lurkalittle but i do agree with the comments of desperateSCOUSEwife and gothicmama. MIL's life could have been different if she had followed some of their advice. You sound incredibly loving and supportive but please remember to look after yourself, your needs are still important and valid. take care

Tenalady, please call me VVV.... (Vlad sounds so, evil lol)

I agree, I wouldnt put pressure on him or go on at him. When you are depressed you already feel like a failure and that no-one cares (whether this is actually true or not it doesnt matter because depression gives you a totally warped sense of perspective).

He needs to feel that you understand that it is an illness, and that there is no pressure on him whatsoever. If he is starting on medication that is good.

If you are finding it hard, you will need to look elsewhere for your support for the time being - he is ill and he needs you.

Your dh is off work, but won't tell anyone including his mother? No that won't do. I can understand not singing it from the rooftops but you actually need support here as well. which you won't get if he is pretending all is OK. Make sure you get help in for yourself, and if that means insisting certain people know then make sure they do.

Got to tread carefully Jimjams as you dont know his parents, he may have a very good reason for not telling them. His ego will already be fragile so tread carefully.

My immediate family knew but inlaws knew it as being a bit down and the rest of the world didnt even notice.

amazing how you can put on a brave face to keep your dignity

Ahem....my Mum STILL doesnt know (to the best of my knowledge) that I have PND. I told my dad only recently because he was attending a hearing with me and i knew it would come out.

None of my family know or one of our close friends. I dont want sympathy, crass ill-judged comments, ignorance, people feeling like they should have known or could have done x y z. They couldnt have. I dont want them feeling sorry for themselves about it. Maybe thats a harsh assessment but that is how i feel about it. I also dont want my family to think i am weak in any way. I know that is not true, but I know that is how they will view it. And I just CANT have that.

All my other friends know, everyone on here that i know, knows.

My Inlaws all know as well.

So, maybe he feels the same as me about it.

I really feel for you - I've lived with depression for some time, and although I'm fine at the moment, I'm always walking alongside the pit (to steal VVV's excellent analogy - I've previously nicked Churchill's "black dog" - sometimes it's got me in its teeth, sometimes it's just growling at me from the corner. At the moment it's outside chasing cats or something ).

My advice from the experience of me and my wonderful dh would be that this is something that's happening to BOTH of you. Accept that while he's in the pit he's not going to support you through it, but you need and deserve support too. In our area (W Yorks) there's a depression/anxiety self help group that can also support family and friends of people living with d/a. Is there anything similar? Maybe you could speak to your doctor or health visitor.

As a churchgoer, I'm sad that he's not felt able to tell people at church. Could they be a source of support for you though - could you speak to the minister (or vicar/priest/pastor)? Do you have pastoral visitors that could help? Remember - this is something that's happening to you too, so it's not just his decision about who knows.

I hope things improve for you both - will pray for you.

Sorry Pinky, omg, if my dh had betrayed my request to keep it low key, it would of definately put me back and made his life hell.

Please, please listen to dh where you can. If he has been taken off work then he must be right there on the floor.

I repeat do not take his choices away when it concerns what little of his self respect he thinks he has left.

Sorry - I wasn't suggesting that she take away her dh's choices, or damage his self respect. I guess I was just making an assumption that they were both churchgoers, and so suggesting that she get support for herself from people in the church who could do that for her. For example, in our church, the lovely pastoral visitor who helped me after dd was born wouldn't dream of betraying my confidences to anyone else.

I stand by my opinion that this is something she is experiencing too, albeit differently from her dh, so she's got the right to speak to someone about it, but I was maybe assuming a bit too much there about their circumstances - fair point TL.

My point was that I can understand him not wanting to tell everyone, and to keep it low key, but that Lurkalittle needs support as well and having to put on a front all the time is I would imagine incredibly stressful for her. If her dh had any other illness she would presumably be allowed to talk about it and get help for her too.

I agree with PinkyRed- it is happening to Lurkalittle as well, and so she needs to be able to talk to someone about it. If there are people that her dh absolutely does not want to know then yes of course she should do her best to respect that, but she should also be able to tell people if it will increase the help she gets.