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Mental health

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Original poster

Someone please tell me how bad depression really is - I can't help feeling put upon by DH unable to do anything!

44 replies

LurkaLittle · 09/08/2006 20:24

OK, DH is depressed, it's official & he is off work. So, I am going to work, dealing with kids, meals , housework etc etc.

He keeps promising to do things around the house - which never get done. OK, can live with that (they haven't been done for years, why change now?). I am trying to be supportive but I am also v.stressed about future work etc for DH. It's all very worrying.

Anyway, today am not feeling well. Really did not want to cook tea. Tried asking him to do it, or even get a takeaway. Of course, he doesn't feel like it either. After an hour of no progress I get up & make tea, and serve it, and clear up after, and feed animals etc.

Sorry - sound like a right whinger, but how long does this go on for. It's making ME ill too but I can't be. Work is pants & would love to quit but with DH off sick would be mad.

MAybe I just need a rant.

OP posts:

Jimjams2 · 10/08/2006 21:45

IN fact a support group such as pinky mentions sounds ideal (if its for carers of people with depression). the best support always comes from others in the same situation, and if there is anything like that in your area Lurka it would be worth looking into. Your GP may know. My GP's surgery runs a carers support group- a wide range of carers attend (I think all except me are carers of adults). Every session starts with a reminder that things discussed during the session are confidential, and its a chance ot have a general chat/moan/gossip and cup of tea.

Jimjams2 · 10/08/2006 21:46

oh god that sounds wrong, I meant if its a carers support group- not necessarily for carers of people with depression, I just mean a carers group rather than one for people who are depressed.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 10/08/2006 21:51

Lol JJ. I knew what you meant.

I agree that Lurk needs support and lots of from family/friends that do know and outside support services.

I dont think it right her DH be required to understand or help, because, well - he just aint thinking right at the moment.

Bozza · 10/08/2006 21:54

jimjams I agree with you. I think lurkalittle is getting really minimal support on here TBH. So what is she supposed to do when she is working full time, daren't have time off work, doing all the childcare, pet care, housework, cooking and is ill but not allowed to ask for help from anyone including her DH?

Bozza · 10/08/2006 21:55

But vvv he is stopping her from getting help.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 10/08/2006 21:58

He cant help it bozza - he is ill. She can get plenty of outside support without telling his family. There have been some good suggestions as to how on here.

She can also get plenty of support here.

foxinsocks · 10/08/2006 22:04

it also sounds like he's not getting counselling and if depression is a fairly regular occurrence for him, he probably needs some outside help (the local mental health team, counselling).

I know what you mean re the stigma. I don't know what it is about this country and mental health but it is such a taboo subject and I think it is a terrible, terrible shame that so many people feel/think this way.

FrannyandZooey · 10/08/2006 22:05

"being depressed is n't an excuse not to pull your weight in a relationship"

well, I think maybe in fact it is

Bozza · 10/08/2006 22:07

Yes franny - I can see that it is an excuse to not pull his weight in the relationship but it did concern me that lurka was also being prevented from receiving help from other sources. Hope the advice she has received here helps.

FrannyandZooey · 10/08/2006 22:10

Yes I think it all sounds appalling Bozza, the secrecy undoubtedly makes it worse. I have lots of sympathy for Lurka. Wish I had some answers too.

giddy1 · 10/08/2006 22:13

Message deleted

Jimjams2 · 10/08/2006 22:15

Agree with Foxinsocks as well- the whole family needs help. But at the moment Lurka is doing everything practical for the family- it is essential that she does not go under as well, and therefore I do think she should be allowed to tell who she wants. She sounds from her post as though she needs support now, and if that means telling some people (and I don't mean she should tell all and sundry just to annoy her dh!) and not being forced to put on a front then I do think she should be allowed to do that.
Everything else I can see as part of the condition, and I can understand his reulctance for people to know (because of the stigma) but when it comes to preventing her getting help- no, I completely disagree- she needs to be able to access help wherever she wants to receive it, and that should be her choice as she's the person who needs practical help. Presumably she;s not going to tell - say his mother- if they have a bad relationship, but if telling members of the church means that someone helps out with bath/bedtime/has the kids for a few hours, then yes she should be able to tell them.

gothicmama · 10/08/2006 22:18

franny and zoe I hope you read my sesond post from my experience youhave to both work at the relationship and make allowances but sometimes it becames easy to use depression as a reason to give up on everything nad rely on the your partner and this can make the depression worse lurka if it helps I liked teh saying the darkest hour is only 60 mins

foxinsocks · 10/08/2006 22:19

I would also say that if he has only just started taking the tablets that he prob won't feel much difference for a few weeks.

My mum has a mental illness and it was v hard for everyone when we were growing up but even harder because she was so secretive about it. Although he probably feels like a failure and worries that he will have more pressure on him if he tells people, as everyone has said, it is totally depriving you of a support network. Unfortunately, sometimes you need to put yourself first and if you are the only one keeping things together for your family, then I would seriously consider getting some help for yourself (even if it is something as simple as getting a student/mother's help to give you a hand with the kids every now and then).

foxinsocks · 10/08/2006 22:20

took me so long to post and jimjams has said it much better!

GarfieldsGirl · 10/08/2006 22:45

Lurka, I can relate to how you are feeling. My DP has been off work for over a year now following an accident, and this has led to him becoming depressed. There are times when I think 'Oh FGS snap out of it, there are people out there in far worse positions than you', but i know that depression is an illness, and its not something he can 'snap out of', and yes I feel nasty for having these thoughts. There are times when I want someone to look after me, when I don't want to be the strong one, and I feel 'down'. And I feel like I'm whinging, and I don't have the added pressures of workingas well as looking after a house and children, or the financial worry of him being out of work.

You have to be strong for him, and be there to support him through it all. It is unbelievably hard to do, which is why you need the support too, as others have said. I'm lucky that I have a fantastic GP and HV who we've been with for years, so they know us well, adn have offered us both (ande the children) fantastic support. Do you have a GP/HV that you can approach? My GP is happy for me to make an appt with her just for a chat, and often for me, thats all I need.

Can you contact Homestart? Or get GP/HV to refer you?

Hopefully now he has started on ADs things should get a little better in a few weeks, although he may have to try a few before he finds the right ones for him. I can tell within a couple of days if DP has forgotten to take his.

Can you get any help from family? Dress it up as something like 'Would you like to take the children to the park for a bit?', just to give you a bit of time to sit down.

I don't know if its a man thing or a British thing or what it is, but DP was unwilling to accept that he needed ADs for quite some time. He doesn't want others knowing that he is depressed as he sees it as weakness. He now is able sometimes to have a cry and let out how he is feeling, which I think without the ADs he wouldn't be able to. (He's a hard, northern bloke who doesn't have emotions (his words))

I don't know if any of this helps you at all (or makes sense even, I have a tendency to waffle!), but I hope that just through sharing my experience of this with you, that it may help you feel a little less alone, and mean that you are feeling this way. For us, there is an end in sight as he is hopefully returning to work in a couple of weeks, and that will be the start of his recovery, but as it was a specific event that triggered DPs depression I guess it is easier to see that light getting closer.

I hope you are able to get the help and support that you need, and that soon DH will see that he also needs support from others.

FrannyandZooey · 11/08/2006 07:44

"sometimes it becames easy to use depression as a reason to give up on everything nad rely on the your partner"

I am sure you are right gothicmama

acnebride · 11/08/2006 11:04

oh F&Z it's hideous, i wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy, and it's not like someone who isn't depressed relying on their partner; but it's also true that any contribution that my dh is able to make to our lives nearly always makes him feel better, and gives me something to be grateful to him for. That's not the motivation for it, and of course I try really hard not to bully him into it, but i KNOW it will insert a little prop of self-esteem if he is well enough to have a walk, tidy a room or something. The key for me is only to ask/encourage if I know he is coming out of a depression - this is where the fact that he has intermittent 'blips' for 2- 4 days at a time really helps, as there is usually a light at the end of a tunnel. Lurka, it sounds so much tougher having a long long episode. There is every chance that he WILL recover at some point but it sounds so tough.

AmandaP · 13/08/2006 11:14

"sometimes it becames easy to use depression as a reason to give up on everything nad rely on the your partner"

Would you say that about pneumonia?

When you are in the middle of a depressive episode (writing as someone who has had severe clinical depression for several years) you cannot even see beyond your pointless, wasted , hopeless life - you can't think logically, you can't think at all, you can't see what's happening to your dp, your children, your family, your friends. All you can do somedays is just exist - and I mean only exist - sit and stare at a wall, or sleep. Somedays you can't get dressed - and I mean can't. Not won't but can't.

You don't look at your dp who is doing their utmost looking after you, the children, the house, their job, the shopping, worrying themselves stupid about whether or not you will kill yourself when their back is turned, whether they did or said something that could have caused it.... you don't look at them and think 'oh it's alright, I've got depression, I'll let them do the washing up / bathe the kids / do the shopping etc'

The partner needs help. I am not at all ashamed of having had depression and wasn't worried about people knowing - I'm still not. To all those who think it's just a case of pulling your socks up, well let's just hope it never happens to you. My dh has regular contact with our GP, he sees my psych, my CPN from time to time, my family know and support him as well as me.

Lurka - can you come to a deal with your dh? Ok so he doesn't want his mum to know for whatever reason, but could you agree not to tell her if you can get support from your church? Or vice versa? Unless you get support, you cannot fully support him. Even in my darkest hours, I know that my dh needs help and I hope that your husband can see that too.

I'm sorry if I sound cross but the quote at the top of my post has really wound me up this morning! Must have got out of bed on the wrong side.

Lurka - good luck, you can get plenty of moral support from MN (and practical support if there is anyone local to you? I don't know where you are but I'm in Milford in Surrey)

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