This isn't right is it - therapist

[springykyrie]

I've been seeing a therapist for just over a year. I have experienced a major loss which I am badly struggling to come to terms with, hence therapy. Due to a toxic childhood/family I have had a lot of therapy at various times over the years.

At first, and for months, I talked and talked (and talked!) in our sessions and wondered why on earth she wasn't picking up on anything I said. I'm afraid I steamed on because I suppose I've been off my head, desperate. I was confused and frustrated that she barely spoke, month after month, and I recently burst out (not my finest hour) 'can you say something please!' and she responded by saying I was being 'controlling'. When I asked her about this at the next session she changed it around and said she had said that I was 'in control in that situation'. This was very clearly NOT what she had said - I'm feeling gaslighted! And that she is fucking with my head. This is like an abusive relationship ffs.

I asked her why she says barely anything - she said she has said a lot. I don't know what she can possibly mean: the very rare times she does speak, she repeats a mantra, like a robot: 'I am here for you to change' (She speaks in soundbites, weird phrases she repeats - phrases that don't make any sense: when I ask her what she means, or to repeat something she has said, she refuses [am I being trained?]. I can't repeat her phrases because I don't remember them, mainly because they make no sense at all to me, they're like a different language/lexicon. It feels cultish.) On the very rare occasions when she does answer my questions she takes an age before answering - l-o-n-g silence (perhaps she does that to shake me off but I stay silent and wait for her answer. I have to wait a very long time). She makes no reference to the vast majority of what I have said - except to make (short, pithy) observations now and again that are very negative (about me). She has never said anything even vaguely positive, encouraging etc. In answer to this she says her opinions are not relevant and 'don't belong here'. When I ask her what does 'belong here' she refuses to answer.

I eventually became angry and attacking re: her refusal to answer any of my questions; her inaccurate recall of what I or she had said (which every time casts me in a negative light). She immediately responded by saying that she isn't meeting my needs and that I should see another therapist; that I made her feel like a 'crap therapist' and that she is 'not here to be attacked'. I am astounded by this - of course a therapist is potentially going to be attacked at some stage by a client, surely?? Not physically - of course! - but verbally. At one point my actual words were 'you are full of shit'. Not great of me, of course, but that's the sort of thing that gets said, surely.

I have never experienced anything like this. Can anyone shed any light on this? I am on a low income and this is all I can afford. Perhaps we are missing one another by a mile but some of this is surely not right?

One thing I did say to her was that it wasn't for me to tune into her frequency - but for her to tune into mine . Because I did feel, in the arguing sessions (one-sided!) that I was expected to be ship-shape and conform to whatever weird stuff she was teaching/training me; a kind of mode I was supposed to conform to. In order to 'change'. The clear implication was that my life wasn't working so I needed to change - kind of a clumping over-emphasis on accepting responsibility, I felt. She also made a reference at one point to a kind of enlightenment that dawns when one submits to the (her?) process - it sounded very attractive and I considered what she was saying... though when I revisited it at a following session she wouldn't be drawn and refused to discuss it.

As far as 'change' is concerned, I said that I wouldn't be there if I were not committed to change, it was why I was there. I was, and am, grief-stricken too, so some things I need spelled out because I'm all arse and elbow. So my brain may be jammed but the soul shines on as awake as ever. (Not sure if that makes sense.. She seemed suspicious of my brain jam, that I was using it to manipulate). It felt like an ABC class: the basics of therapy, or change. I considered that it is sometimes good to revisit the basics and I was prepared to go right back to the beginning - particularly with her. New relationship and all that.

I feel wretchedly low that it all looks to have been a monumental nothing, a complete waste of time. I can also feel incredibly confused about it - can it really have been what it appears to be? ie nothing, zero. I feel like I arrived starving and famished and I got nothing at all - except a headfuck and a telling off... for being, well, crap.

It's ok to feel tilted though isn't it? I feel tilted - as one can do following a major shock. Just working it out a bit on here... These things can get a bit jumbled, especially in the early stages when you're trying to make sense of it?

I am sorry for your loss.

I think it's Ok to feel a bit out of balance during therapy (I've had lots); but what you are describing says to me that you might benefit from a different sort of help. The relationship seems unhealthy. I am going to bed in a little while, so won't be on here, but I'd suggest a visit to the GP asap.

Discuss with them the possibility of free counselling. Is there a church centre near you that offers counselling, or voluntary agency? Remember, therapy takes time and it can take a while to find some-one that suits you.

If you end the relationship, make sure you have some good support in place until you can find a more appropriate therapist. I do hope that you can find something useful. Try the BACP website, or google counsellors in your area? Many have concessions. And remember this was not your fault, just that healing takes time, and there are lots of bumps along the way. Don't be too hard on yourself, just make sure that you are getting the help you deserve

There isn't a NHS for general mental health - unless you're seriously poorly. So I wouldn't bother going to the NHS - I've flogged that horse and there is simply nothing there (and what there is is being cut as we speak..).

So it's out on the highways and byways to find some form of private therapy. Hence finding some turkeys along the way - usually found in churches and voluntary orgs: I've done the rounds. You may get lucky though. But it is luck with cheap therapy.

Some jobs have counselling services as part of their benefits. It's not always free but can be subsidised.

Have you a clear target for therapy? What will 'fixed' look/feel like. How will you know when you are 'better'?

'Better' would be managing a series of truly agonising family betrayals; to find a way to some semblance of peace, instead of existing/blundering from one day to the next in total shock, trying to stay alive (not literally, I am not suicidal. Though how I am not suicidal is beyond me - enough people tell me they would "top themselves" [quote] if the same happened to them). i can't see how I can get beyond it and I would like to live and not exist.

And that wretched therapist missed it out FFS!!! when she did her summary

No-one has died so there must be some way to live with this, but I've yet to find it - I can't seem to [even begin to] get beyond the shock.

There was a poster on here who was simply out of her mind with grief - she had just had a stillborn baby. The poor, poor woman turned to the NHS... NOTHING THERE. The shock of that, that there was simply NOTHING in place to support her, was immense for her. The NHS doesn't do agonising grief.

The first two practical things I would advise are, well there are 4 really:

1 go to your doctors for a check up - blood pressure, cholesterol, iron, etc (make sure you are all ok).

2 Diet - cut out processed sugars, junk food, processed foods (white pasta, bread, etc), and try to eat a high protein diet with loads of fresh fruit and veg. This will help your body and mood. Consider a good Vitamin B supplement as this is really good for your nerves (as with all supplements, check with your doctor).

3 Exercise - getting your heart rate raised is good for the nerves too - it is very calming and puts all that adrenalin to use. As before, check with your doctor and don't go from couch to marathon in a week!

4 Have a good look at the people in your life and see who is your 'saboteur'. They may not be doing it out of meanness, or even realise they are doing it, but there are some people who, for whatever reason, seem to be attracted to crisis, and even encourage behaviour.

In a very simple example - say you want to give up smoking at work. you go every day at 11am to have a puff outside with your work buddy and have a gossip. You announced that you are giving up smoking - she will be on her lonesome at 11am and will miss out on the gossip. She tells you 'oh go on, its just one, you wont be able to give up, just to keep me company...' Its the same with someone who is going through trauma - some people seem to 'feed' from the drama - being the 'rock' or shoulder to cry on makes them feel better about themselves. They don't mean to 'encourage' you but nevertheless. (Some therapists can seem to be like this too).

People telling you that they would kill themselves in your situation us not very helpful! It is stupid, patronising (oooh, aren't you brave!) and melodramatic. Its almost making your very real trauma into a Victorian drama, and is of no practical use. Tell them to bog off.

Some people are their own saboteur - and that's a useful thing to recognise too.

When you have had traumatic events, you need to process them to get over them, or at the very least, be able to think about past events without the feelings of panic, distress or fear. EMDR is pretty good for helping you to process thoughts/events etc.

I also used to tell people to look themselves in they eye in the mirror in the morning without that look of fear, and to 'walk tall'. You need to believe that you are a fantastic person and you deserve to be happy and strong. Yes, sometimes life is just so bloody unfair and crap, and we make mistakes, but we get through it - you want to get 'on', not just 'by'.

And I see from your post time that you are a night owl. Unless you work shifts, try to get a regular sleeping pattern.

Thank you for that nicename. First two: check. I battle with a huge chocolate habit but I do have a keen eye on it (largely because of the implications for my mood and largely so I don't get er large). I keep a big eye on all those things. I have a basic, Patrick Holford-esque, grasp of nutrition and mood. I've also done a lot of courses re mood along the way as I have battled with depression all my life.

I agree about the 'top yourself' people and I steer clear of them. It doesn't help me at all when I am hanging on by my fingernails, thanks. I suppose it's a validation of sorts... but I tend to get the extremes of 1. ignoring what's happened or 2. saying omg I'd kill myself. Not helpful. (I don't tell many people, though - in fact, hardly anybody because the situation is open to kneejerk judgement, which is in itself isolating.) I have a morbid fear of the codependent/rescuer and I am probably not very good with tolerating those who mean well but make clanging mistakes. I tend to steer clear and isolate. It is so like a bereavement in every way, except one!

Back to a professional, then. A professional to work it out with, who supports, validates, challenges; a professional I can trust! Full circle. Where do you get a good one ffs? (rhetorical q)

As for being my own sabateur: I am in quite a mush, which is a big part of the problem, and it is hard to get any kind of footing at all to make some positive changes (perhaps I'll get on the waiting list for a NHS life coach, which will mature with my pension). Currently poverty-stricken (unable to work - or, at least, bear the pressure of the workplace. The catastrophic events happened just after I'd lost my job) and I get the full glory of the often poor service available to those who don't have the money to pay for a good, or proper, service. I have just applied for a minimum wage, completely untaxing, job - a bit of money, and routine, goes a long way when you're desperate. I've done a lot of voluntary work during my sojourn in the valley of the shadow of death time in the wilderness and that has been so-so. I have my health and there is not a day goes by that I am not consciously very grateful for it.

The GP has prescribed ADs but I am hesitating about taking them. I had a go with another AD this time last year and it caused no end of trouble and probably knocked me further down all in. I am a fan of ADs in general, think they are marvellous: the best one I took saved my life when I had PND, but it was old-style and I put on 3 stone! At the time I was so poorly I didn't care, but I would care now.

She sounds a terrible therapist. With a good therapist you should quickly feel they are right for you, and that you are benefitting from being there. There is actually loads of research to show that the type of therapy a therapist provides, is not as important as how good they actually are at being a therapist. I am not surprised you are confused and hurt by this.

I would speak to your doctor about referring you to see someone who does EMDR on the NHS. I believe that there are therapists who will be.

I wasn't NHS registered but I could have been and I was trained in EMDR. Although I wouldn't call myself competent in it, I know enough about it and how it supposedly works to suggest that it is a good option. The army use it these days for PTSD and it has good results.