PND,Pregnancy and pregnant again

[shhhh]

Gosh where do I start....

DD is now 15 months and when she was around 6 months old I was diagnoised with pnd. I was prescribed citalopram. My plan was to stay on this until July this year as recommended by my gp and they dh & I wanted to try for baby2.

I think because dh saw I was ok he thought my pnd had gone away and told me his desire to try for baby2. It wasn't totally his choice as I wanted another baby and due to the time it took to have dd I thought it would be me to blame if we didn't start now iykwim...

Well I got pregnant 1st attempt and I'm not 15 weeks. I stopped the ad's as soon as the blue line appeared and my gp was/is aware of this.

I have lots to contend with over the last 3 months inc a major row with my in laws. Things are not 100% (although they feel it is) and I still feel pressure iykwim.

I can feel things slipping again. I have tried to speak to my dh but the rows happen and I am made to feel like a bitch and like I have a problem.

My pnd symptoms were over posessiveness with my dd and not wanting anyone outside of dh & I to be involved with her. I'm a sahm so feel that she doesn't need to go and stay elsewhere and dh has always had the same opinion. The thought of my in laws being with dd fills me with dread and I honestly would run away just to have dd to myself.
I am now thinking 6 months ahead and I can see that things won't change once baby2 arrives. I just dread the whole " visits from family you haven't seen for 10 years, and who decided to stay for hours" and I even dread seing my family now...I feel like a baby machine and that all BOTH sets of gp's want me for is babies..

I turned up at my parents without dd last week as dh was bringing her seperatly. Their faces were shocking.They couldn't believe I had come minus dd..till they realised she was 2 mins away. This actually upset me as they have always tried to go out of their way to make out that it's not just dd they want iykwim. My in laws are the same.

I'm not a nasty person and I am usually a happy person but recently I have no smiles left.

How do I cope.? Am I really abnormal for not wanting others to want my children..? I have thought about leaving dh as I can't cope anymore and it's making me feel like a bad mother....

shh, has the GP offerred you counselling?

tbh, I think anyone would battle to deal with your in-laws depressed or not and it sounds to me like your self esteem needs a bit of a boost!

Otherwise, can't you go back to some sort of ADs? I don't know what you can or can't take in pregnancy but if you felt they helped you before, surely there's no harm in trying them again?

Shhh - Has the GP offered you any other ad's? I am sure there are some that you can take durring pregnancy they may help to keep you on an even keel. I was seriousley over protective of my first but find myself a lot less so now I have two children. I also had PND after both children. It does get better with time and medication and lots of support. I went to councelling which also helps.

i am 14 weeks pregnant and on Citalopram, It is thought to be one of the safest to take during pregnancy

hi fox, yes my gp offered me councelling when I was diagnosed but as she noticed it wasn't suitable for me as as the sessions were group sessions (fine) but dd would need to be left either at hospital creche or with family. BIG PROBLEM..!! TBH this wouldn't be an option.

Tbh this sounds really bizarre BUT I would rather leave dd with someone I don't know or friends than leave her with family..Don't ask me why..? I don't know if it's fear of dd getting attached to someone in the family which I can't handle.
BUT if I did leave dd with a creche or a friend then I know what backlash I would get from family iykwim.

My gp did say when I was diagnosed that ad's are possible in pregnancy but are a last option. I am also concerned about taking medication atm.

Oh why does life have to be so hard. As a kid I dreamed of ebing a princess who lived happily ever after..dn't get me wrong my dh is a great person and does well for his family BUT sometimes I wish I was carefree and didn't feel so low and awful.

mummyhill it' nice to know that you were also over protective with pnd as so many people assocaite pnd with resentment for your ds/dd. I'm sure that others (family included) feel pnd is an excuse and that it's just me being ott with dd.

I do think, once baby2 arrives maybe I will have less time to be over prot of dd and baby2 and maybe I will be grateful of extra support and help but I don't know what I will feel like till I'm there..Did you feel the same as me..? Did you feel like life would be easier with just you and ds/dd..? I feel like dh thinks I'm being nasty and wanting to take his dd away but I just want an end to feeling like I do.

It worries me that I am like this STILL once off ad's...I thought that once the ad's stopped life would be a bed of roses.?

I understand that fantasy sshhh but unfortunately, sometimes we have to deal with life even if we don't really want to! That feeling of not being able to cope is coming from your depression - you can cope in fact, you are coping right now it's just that you've got yourself in the mindset that you can't.

Don't tell your family you are going for counselling. You don't have to. Leave her in the creche and if (for some reason) they ask where you have been, make up a fictitious friend and pretend you've been round visiting.

You deserve better shh - I don't know about the effects of medication on the baby but I'm sure being stressed and feeling unable to cope is not doing much for you (or the baby). Don't feel like you are a failure - these drugs were created to help people and at this point in your life, you just need some extra help.

How can someone you don't know irl make you cry..?? It's nice to hear you say positive things fox, I just wish I could believe them. My mum & Sis yesterday praised me so much. They said the job I was doing with dd was an amazing one and that as a result of my work dh & I have a happy, content loving baby. I know I should be proud but I can't..

The counselling advice is an option. Although not sure how dh would feel about me leaving her with strangers iykwim. Maybe in doing so it's a step to me gaining the confidence I need for dd & I.? DH & I happily leave dd if we are out for a night BUT dd is in bed, again the issue of her being left to socialise with family iykwim.

I did suggest to dh yesterday that I should aim to leave dd with family within a few weeks of baby2 being born but dh doesn't feel the need. He feels we are managing fine and that it's not something we HAVE to do to please others. He also doesn't want dd to feel left out due to new baby iywkim.
I know I have the support for dh but I suppose it's hard for a man to always show it.

shhh - I though I would be even more protective after no 2 as I suffered a misscarriage between the children.

I do remember an overwhelming feeling that if I left DD with anyone she would either a) not be cared for as well as I do it or b) get soo attached to the other person that she wouldn't want me anymore.

Luckily for me my mother went through the same thing after having me and my sister so understood and could help.

Ad's would perhaps be a good idea. The idea is that you take them for at least six months to try and prevent the depression returning after treament. Obviousley you weren't ready to come off them as you still displaying the symptoms of your depression.

If you want to chat in private about it all please contact me on windyjo1 at hotmail dot com.

the thing is shh your dh is telling you what he thinks you want to hear and although he thinks he's helping you, what you really need is someone to hold your hand and cart you off to counselling and to get the ADs (always worth doing both together in my opinion).

Your dd won't feel left out if you leave her with someone once the next one is born but it is probably better to get her used to being with someone else before no.2 arrives (whether that be a creche or a friend).

I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to leave her with your mad inlaws but how about starting with your mum/sister or even the creche where you go for counselling?

To me, you sound like you have the right ideas. You are obviously stronger than you think because you've recognised you need to change and want to get help.

mummyhill, I think our mc's also have a lot to do with my feeling now. It;s nice to have support from your mum esp after she experienced the same thing. My mum supports me but never experienced what I am and also never had gp's that fought over me or my sis iykwim. She has the space to bring us up and didn't have the worries I do now..BUT then again, mum wishes she had parents who wanted to be involved iykwim. I have emailed you btw. xx

Yes fox, I am going to look into counselling. I know dh can;'t join me as he's self emp and works a 2 hours drive from home.. You are right, I do know I have a problem and I want to sort it before it affects dh & I. We do have a good relationship but what's been thrown at us the last 3 months has made a dent iykwim. Luckily dh says he's nly ever seen me like I am now with pregnancy and pnd..defo hormones then..??! It's just things in life like this make you question your relationship and I suppose that not a problem at all.

Not sure if that will help, but I have been in the same situation than you : PND and then baby No2 shortly afterwards (they are 20 months apart).
I found the pregnancy very hard work (end of PND that was getting better or pre natal depression not sure) but as soon as DS2 was born, everything lifted up and fell into place. I think hormones had a lot to do with it and giving birth actually helped!
Contact your HV. Mine referred me to Home Start. They have some volunters that can go to have a chat with you and support you and they also have a support group where I live. You can go there with your children too. try to see what there is avalable where you are.
Being depressed and pregnant is a hard time but don't think you are abnormal or anything like this. As you know you are just dealing with the end of PND and a pregnancy.
re your GP, just tell them how you feel!! If you think that you deserve more attention as a person than as a future mum, let them know.That's what they are there for!
I am tempted to tell you you are doing a good job and that asking so many questions like this is the proof that you are a good mum and a caring wife but I know I wouldn't have believe it at the time.
I think the best advise has already being given. Try to get some help (couselling, Home tart etc..) and just take it one step at the time. You don't have to talk about it to your family / DH / IL if you don't want it. Just see what would work best for you.

Oh, forgot about that.
I did read that fish oils can help prevent PND when taken during pregancy.
I did that with DS2 and no PND after giving birth! I wouldn't say it is full proof but worth a try perhaps ?

thanks youknowwhat, dd and baby2 will be the same age gap as yours. Also like you said, it's hard to know if it's pnd or pregnancy blues. I'm not a depressive person before I had babies and it's hard as I seem to have felt like this for a life time.

I have actually just been reading up about puraepa fish oils and depression. Thing is the websit doesn't say anything about taking during pregnancy for depression...I presume puraepa is just fish oils..? What did you take..? It advises that it can help with pnd and pnd once baby arrives..Must be worth a go..?

My PND got so bad that i didn't have the energy or inclanation to do anything around the house. A friend decided that the best way to help was to involve Social Services and I nearly had a break down over it all. I am slowly getting back to normal now especially since I had a letter from social services signing the case off.

[bashing self on head emoticon] Why did I not suggest homestart myself.

you can refer yourself to homestart \link{http://www.home-start.org.uk \here}

Look on the map and see where your local group is and send them a message. Or you HV can refer you if you ask them to.

I have a volunteer who comes out once a week for a chat and she entertains the kids so I can do a quick flit round the house picking stuff up which helps me a lot. She's away for three weeks atm but am looking forward to her return as I am living in a pigsty at the moment. No where near as bad as it used to be but not as good as it should be iyswim.

shhh

I do think you might get some benefit from counselling/therapy. I know it seems really hard now and it is in no way abnormal to want to have your children with you but something about your original post makes me think you have conflicted feelings about being a mother and what motherhood means and also about what family means to you.

My mother has always loved me - of that I am in no doubt but she always wants me to bring ds if I visit and is disappointed if I don't. This doesn't mean she doesn't love me. From what you have said it seems to me that your family do love you just that they want to spend time with their grandchildren

As for your worry about your children loving others more than you. Your children may well learn to love other people but that will never replace you, honestly it never could.

You sound like a brilliant loving mum and as others have said you are coping at the moment, if you weren't you wouldn't see there is a problem and be trying to sort it out.

I am going to be honest here though - in answer to your question 'Am I really abnormal for not wanting others to want my children..?'.

It's fine to not want to share them and to decide that only you are going to look after them, but
to want your family not to 'want your children' is wanting something that is impossible and unreasonable.

You can choose whether to allow your family to look after your children but you can't choose how they feel about it. In the end their feelings are not your responsibility.

Try and get counselling even if it means leaving dd with someone (could you leave her with a friend/temporary childminder?)

shhh, I suffer from depression. I thought originally it was PND after having DS, but it was "just" depression.

When I accidentally got pregnant with DD, I stopped taking cipralex (think it was those), which hadn;t been doing much good anyway. Got to about 12 weeks pregnant and realised I was seriously not all right. I went to see the GP, and was seen two days later by the mental health team and have been on sertraline ever since. DD is 10.5 months and is fine. I also breastfed her until very recently.

I had problems leaving DS with other people too and have found this has eased with DD.

Taking ADs is just part of my life now - it's what I need to keep me fine.

DS and DD are 22 months apart in age by the way.

I was offered counselling but again this was group therapy and this was never going to work for me, for various reasons.

Hi Picadilly thanks for posting your story.

It's not allways easy to post stuff like this on our post natal thread. Take care of yourself and email me if you need to chat. (my address is further down this page)

Out of interest does anyone know which AD's are supposed to be safest during pregnancy?

shhhh, to be honest, I really don't know if there are some fish oils better than the others. I think the idea is that the foetus is using our reserves during pregnancy and not enugh of them can make you feelng depressed.
I did take soem supplements with omega 3 & omega6 from Boots. Just be careful, there are quite often associated with vitamin A and you DON'T want to tale it (That's why we are not allowed liver during pregnancy). In the end, I took the only ones that had no vitamins added.
What I though at the time was that it couldn't hrt so why not giving it a go?

Another remark about PND.
With DS1, I haven't been diagnosed with PND until I got pregnant with DS2 and had a chat about it with my GP. I had to just get on with it and at the time I didn't feel I could talk to anyone about what I felt. I though I was such a bad mother that social services would come to take away my son!!
I too felt that no one else could look after him as well as I did. I did have go at DH a lot because he wasn't doing things the right way. And at the same time, I wished he wasn't there anymore .
As I came out of PND,I realized how bad I was but it is just now that DS2 is 14 months that I can actually start talking about it and I feel very bad about the way I treated DS1.
So, my advise with PND is to go to see your GP, HV etc and ask for some help. Counselling, Home Start etc.. will help you during PND but you will also be able to talk about how you feel wo being judged. My experience is that if you don't do it then, you will probably have to do it later on.

I had pnd with ds and was diagnosed when he was about 3 months old.
i took about 2 of the tablets then asked my doc if i was to become preg would it make me worse or would the hormone rush make me better?
(we wanted 2 close in age)
he said chances are it will make you worse, much worse. anyway, ahen ds was 4 months i discovered i was preg with no 2 who is due in next couple of weeks and my pnd dissapeared almost instantly.
but.... i am dreading it coming back with a vengeance. i am more worries about that than actually giving birth again.

mil and fil insisted on coming to hosp to see ds when he was about 8 hours old. i was bleeding everywhere, trying to establish bfing and the last thing i wanted was them coming but, who was i?
i thought, maybe it wont be so bad, maybe they will bring me flowers or something. yeah right! i dont even remember them asking me if i was ok.
from then on, the 'my bloody baby, not yours' syndrome kicked in.
i wanted to be the only one to hold him, i hated them holding him. i had given birth to him and he was (is) the centre of my universe. why couldnt we be left alone?
i got worse and worse and now i secretly hate her even though atm i am better. when he was tiny she would constantly undermine me, like insist he drank some cooled boiled water even though i had said he didnt need it. she would ask dh if it was ok and totally ignore me.
i felt like screaming:
'wtf do you think he knows?!! ffs. he doesnt have a clue!'

they are no longer really interested in ds now he is 1 so i can get on with it but i am worried about ds2 as it will all start again.

i dont think it is abnormal for you to want to be the only one to care for your kids. it is like an instinct, especially if those wanting to muscle in have upset you in some way. it will never be the same.

thankfully for me they will be moving to spain in march/april so i will see them about once every 2 years if im unlucky.

hope it all gets better for you.

x

also with this pregnancy, i dont get asked if im ok AT ALL!
just if i think baby will come soon.
all they want are my belly fruits and nothing else!

sometimes i think i could be anyone and they wouldnt give a sod as long as i produce a baby.

With second pregnancies you tend to be ignored a lot.

god, I have only just caught up with this..1baby you also say things that are exactly the same as how I am...

I feel ignored and even felt like this when I had dd. I felt that as long as dd arrived ok then noone would bother with me esp in laws. DH disagrees with this but does agree that things change once baby arrives. Like PC said, they have another love for the baby.

Alot of the times I wish everyone would leave "our family" alone as I feel like I'm being suffocated but I think this has a lot to do with the pnd...sadly..

I just feel that I'm here for babies. DH 7 I so want more BUT then I feel like I am doing it for "them" and not us iykwim.

I don't want ad's but I am off to the gp to discuss conselling and possibly fish oils I can safely take. Thanks again xx