PND,Pregnancy and pregnant again

[shhhh]

Gosh where do I start....

DD is now 15 months and when she was around 6 months old I was diagnoised with pnd. I was prescribed citalopram. My plan was to stay on this until July this year as recommended by my gp and they dh & I wanted to try for baby2.

I think because dh saw I was ok he thought my pnd had gone away and told me his desire to try for baby2. It wasn't totally his choice as I wanted another baby and due to the time it took to have dd I thought it would be me to blame if we didn't start now iykwim...

Well I got pregnant 1st attempt and I'm not 15 weeks. I stopped the ad's as soon as the blue line appeared and my gp was/is aware of this.

I have lots to contend with over the last 3 months inc a major row with my in laws. Things are not 100% (although they feel it is) and I still feel pressure iykwim.

I can feel things slipping again. I have tried to speak to my dh but the rows happen and I am made to feel like a bitch and like I have a problem.

My pnd symptoms were over posessiveness with my dd and not wanting anyone outside of dh & I to be involved with her. I'm a sahm so feel that she doesn't need to go and stay elsewhere and dh has always had the same opinion. The thought of my in laws being with dd fills me with dread and I honestly would run away just to have dd to myself.
I am now thinking 6 months ahead and I can see that things won't change once baby2 arrives. I just dread the whole " visits from family you haven't seen for 10 years, and who decided to stay for hours" and I even dread seing my family now...I feel like a baby machine and that all BOTH sets of gp's want me for is babies..

I turned up at my parents without dd last week as dh was bringing her seperatly. Their faces were shocking.They couldn't believe I had come minus dd..till they realised she was 2 mins away. This actually upset me as they have always tried to go out of their way to make out that it's not just dd they want iykwim. My in laws are the same.

I'm not a nasty person and I am usually a happy person but recently I have no smiles left.

How do I cope.? Am I really abnormal for not wanting others to want my children..? I have thought about leaving dh as I can't cope anymore and it's making me feel like a bad mother....

at least your dh sees some of the probs.
mine i think, which is really sad, knows his mother is like it and is so upset by it, blocks it out.
now she is not really interested in ds anymore, he gets upset at the amount of time my mum spends with ds and says 'lets go and see nanny then, you havent seen her for ages' and im just thinking 'oh yeah, that would really make her day!'
i have spoken to sil about it (their kids are 3 and 5) and she said they were upset when she lost interest in theirs, which wasnt until mine was born, (so they did better than me!) and bil was the same- ignoring it. he now admits he can see it and he knows what she is like. she can do no wrong in dh's eyes though and to an extent i feel sorry for him.

back to the subject- i am definately going to try and stop it happening this time. im not going to let her undermine me and if she does i will definately confront her (she used to scare me as shes a bit mental- she doesnt drop a grudge for at least a year and as she says herself 'she NEVER forgets') and tell her to sod off.
if they insist on ignoring me i will just not surrender the baby full stop! breast feeding is great for this!!

when is your baby due? maybe we could stay in touch as we seem to have similar family & dh probs?
x

1baby1bump, yes it would be lovely to keep in touch. It would be nice having someone else to who is in a similar situation to me..!!

Baby is due 31/1/07. When is yours due..?

mine is due 6th sept but im hoping for an early arrival!
where about do you live just out of interest?

4 months between them..I'm north..and you.?

btw CAT me..if you like xx

just tried to cat but i dont have a subscription sorted! didnt know i needed one!
im south west in wiltshire.
its hard to write anything too revealing at w/ends as dh is always on the prowl but im at home in the week now. i finished work on the 3rd of this month.
hopefully im not going back to work now we have two but i think finances will force me.
finances are another big factor of my pnd.
i want to stay at home and raise my boys but the thought of being here alone during the day fills me with fear of it coming back.
do you work or sah?
sorry i took a while to reply! x