Had enough, can't stop crying

[CuppaCiggieBiccieBliss]

Everything is a mess. I have complex ptsd, suffer from crippling depression and anxiety and insomnia to top it off. I am on meds but nothing seems to be helping.
I am getting about an hours sleep a night and wake up in a total panic

I don't want to be here anymore. My illness is ruining my family, they deserve so much better than me, and it's all my fault anyway. I should have stopped it.
I just want it all to stop

I currently take 25mg Quetiapine in the morning and 100 at night. I could always ask about more.

So things got worse, I have sh'd quite badly so Dp phoned the crisis team Their advice was for him to distract me and go to a and e if I get worse. I haven't left my home for months due to panic attacks, I have no idea how I'd get to hospital.
I can't stop crying. I don't see what the point of existing like this is. I just want to curl up into a ball and never wake up

hello again cuppa. It sounds like going to hospital, hard though it'll be, will be the very best thing. I am no expert and hopefully someone who is will come along, but I imagine that this really tricky next bit has to happen in order for you to move onwards and away from this dark place bit by bit. I'd say that keeping things inside will be burning away at you and that the actual talking (to a stranger first: a health care professional) will ultimately be a great big brave helpful step.
Do you need medical treatment for your sh? Is your dh with you right now? Can he fix someone to look after your dd's?
You can feel better than you are feeling now. You need to access the help. You will get there.

Thanks eco, I know what you are saying is right, but there is no way on earth I can go to hospital. Thankfully at the minute Dp agrees with me as long as we contact someone tomorrow, although who that will be I have no idea.
I don't need medical attention for the sh, I have dressed them and they don't need stitches.
Dp is downstairs, I have come for a lie down, I was going to try and sleep but I'm scared to, pathetic I know I know I need to talk to someone but I find it so hard to trust people.

Cuppa. You are in quite a bad way. I was going softly softly as it is difficult to assess something like this.
But you definitely do need help. You do need to reach out to someone trained who can help you.
As you say, yours is a complex case. But people spend years in training to help with this sort of thing.

I'm glad you are not alone. He sounds a supportive and lovely person to have. Other than mumsnet do you have anything that works as a distraction for you? TV or magazine perhaps? Doing something with your hands like knitting or jigsaw? There's my guilty secret out of the bag: jigsaw puzzles of twee cottages really help me when my anxiety is bad! I discovered that quite by accident.
I'm around if you want to chat more.

Thanks Honey, I do agree I need help but I don't feel able to trust anybody enough to talk about it. Certainly not in hospital, well, I can't leave the house so it's not an option.
I have no idea who is best to contact tomorrow but I/Dp will definitely phone somebody. The crisis team seem as much use as a chocolate tea pot so maybe the gp.

Thanks eco, I normally just watch a DVD or some crap tv really. I'm so tired all the time that it's hard to concentrate.
Dp is very supportive, I just wish I wasn't such a burden him.

I'd guess what he actually thinks is that he wishes you felt better and that he could help you somehow. He'd probably give his right arm to have you feeling content and happy.
It's great that tomorrow you will call someone. Keep in touch with us and tell us how it goes if you can.
I'm still around. I have a nocturnal baby so will check late on as well. Crap TV sounds perfect. Lord knows there's enough of that to choose from.

I think that ringing the gp tomorrow will be best too.

Oh I have a nocturnal baby too, great fun isn't it

I'm going to try and rest for a bit, still feeling wobbly and the urge to self harm is so strong

Resting is good. It is very underrated imo.
I wrote on a thread yesterday that I am beginning to think that babies dont sleep as much as they used to. Probably I am talking a load of rubbish

Oh I totally agree Honey, I'm sure dd1 slept a lot more than dd2 does.
I have wrapped myself up in bed in the hope that the panic and stuff will ease shortly.

Keep talking if and when you need to if it helps.

I'm here too, you are not alone. Try and rest as much as you possibly can. Ring the Gp in the morning and request a home visit if you can't get there. Tell them how desperate you feel. I think they need to review your meds, you can get better from this I know you can. You have a supportive partner which is amazing and many reasons to get better. Don't give up xxx

hi cuppa. Ecobaby has decided it's time to start the day. We disagree but she's quite adamant How did your night owl go during the night and also, did wrapping yourself up work at all? Did you get some rest? Like the others I think rest is so important.
I've been listening to the wind which is still going strong up here in Northumberland. How is it with you cuppa? Hoping it didn't disturb you.
three more hours and you'll be able to call GP.

Morning eco, I managed a couple of hours which is a slight improvement, then the wind woke both dds up so it's been a long night! I'm in the north east too, we've lost couple of roof tiles and the contents of the bin are scattered around the garden nice job for Dp I think!

Morning Cuppa. [realises that sounds odd!]
Glad you slept a little better.
Ring someone now [stern face emotion] and

Morning Honey, that sounds odd too I have a telephone appointment with the gp at 5pm so fingers crossed she can do something. I'm still feeling wobbly and teary today but haven't sh'd so that's a positive.

Oh good, brilliant all round.

afternoon honey! afternoon cuppa! :-)
Yes, good work on getting that appointment and some kip. what have you been up to today? Dh still with you? 2.5 hours and doc will call! not long now.
Gosh yes it's blowy. We're up here on holiday. We took the nocturnal one for a walk to a castle this morning and felt vaguely irresponsible. Nap time now. I meanwhile have just finished a puzzle

Afternoon oh lovely, Northumberland is gorgeous, we used to often holiday up there, eventhough we only live an hour down the road! I haven't done much today, just the usual housework and other thrilling things!
Dp has just gone to pick dd1 up from school, she's a good distraction

you have one at school and a baby? In and ideal world that'd be my dream gap between dc. Sounds nice. Am guessing your littlest one has been on best behaviour if you've had time for housework. Either that or you're actually superwoman. Today is my birthday so right now I'm slobbed on sofa watching the trees blow and looking out towards lindisfarne across the water. My days aren't usually like this!
Anyhow, please do let us know how the chat goes at five. Do you think you have an idea of what exactly you want to say? Would it help to have a list of stuff to mention? I often get sidetracked in docs and forget to mention stuff and then come out banging my forehead. Hope it's a good chat.

Dd2 has behaved herself, sort of, so had an hour to blitz the kitchen and washing pile, I'm certainly not super woman

Happy Birthday you're day sounds lovely.
I'm getting nervous now, I hate talking to any medical professional. My main concern at the moment is the sleep, I definitely need something to help with that.

how did it go cuppa?