Not sure I can go on

[ProfondoRosso]

Hi everyone, I've posted on here before, quite a while ago, under a different name.

I have generalised anxiety disorder. I have been feeling so awful the past few days that I feel like I can't cope anymore.

I'm coming to the end of my PhD and need to find a job. That has got me worried, but now it's not so much the situation that I'm worried about, rather the fact that I'm having a relapse. I can't stand this feeling. It's horror. I get so anxious about being anxious.

I have left DH alone at home today and come into my office so I can be alone. I feel awful for doing this. When I'm this anxious, I smoke a lot and DH hates it. He feels it's a sign that I'm not fighting hard enough, that I'm just letting the feelings get me. I used to smoke a lot more, but have been wearing nicotine patches at weekends and when we're on holiday, and doing pretty well. DH is the kindest man - he was so gentle with me yesterday when I was having panic attacks, but this is too much for him. He has such a stressful job and really, really needs the weekends to rest. So I had to get away - to be alone, to smoke. I feel like scum.

I've been on several different meds - I'm on Sertralone 200mg now and I thought I was getting better. I hate this cycle of get better for a while, then get worse. I've been doing mindfulness meditation and thought it was a game changer but I let it slide during the Christmas holidays and feel like that might be related to how I'm feeling.

DH is 38, I'm 28. We so want to have a baby. We knew we had to wait until my PhD was over and I thought I was really getting better. Now I feel like we can never have children, because I'll never get well. If I crack up or smoke during pregnancy, it would hurt the baby. And I'd be a bad, unwell mother. And smoking will kill me one day.

I wish I'd been born to a horrible family and never met DH, because then nobody would be hurt if I killed myself. He bought me a juicer for Christmas. We were meant to have a nice day making juice today. But I've just been throwing up, smoking and now all the fruit and veg he bought me will go bad. I'm a horrible person and I feel like I just want to die.

I'm sorry for the ramble, I just needed to get this out.

I need to register for this year - our academic year starts in Jan. I'm doing an Honours in Psychology. Unfortunately the requirements for qualifications to become a registered counselor or psychologist are in the process of being changed and it seems as if the degree I'm busy with may end up being useless. I need to do more research on this but I'm procrastinating.

More pressing though is the huge pile of unfolded laundry so I will make you a deal... you spend some time on your thesis and I will fold laundry.

It's a deal, Lasting

Right, laundry all mostly done. I'm going to bed with a book now. Hope you have a good night ProfondoRosso, chat again in the morning.

Morning, how are you feeling today?

Hi Lasting and Precious, thank you for checking in again. I'm doing OK - no panic attack last night, though appetite still not completely back. Went round to my parents to help my sister prepare for her interview for a teaching postgrad and that was nice. I phoned the GP and I should be able to see her next Wednesday.

Hope both of you had a nice evening and you enjoyed those mince pies, Precious.

Glad to hear you're OK.

Hey ProfondoRosso, how are you today?

Can you only see the GP next Wednesday because that's the first available appointment? It seems an awfully long time to wait.

Thank you for checking in, Lasting and Precious - Wednesday is the earliest appt I can get, but I can hold on. Sorry for the late reply, I've had a lot on work (nothing too serious or stressful) - I hope you're well.

I commented to several people at work today that it's Friday, clearly I'm in need of a weekend! Nobody corrected me either. I guess it was just the fact that dh and dd were both on holiday today (and tomorrow) that confused me.

How is your weekend going ProfundoRosso?

Hi Lasting, good to hear from you again, I hope all's well with you. Today has been really hard, things not good between me and DH but am doing better now and have had some dinner. I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow but in any case I'll see the doctor next week.

Hang in there and look after yourself.
I'm well thanks, just not looking forward to the start of our school year on Wednesday as things have been so relaxed at home during the holidays.

I'm glad you'll be seeing your GP soon. How you are feeling isn't due to "not trying hard enough", it's your illness. If your meds aren't working then I agree it's worth reviewing them with the GP.

Thanks Lasting - I hope the new school year starts ok. I don't think we ever really get rid of that 'Sunday night, homework time' feeling as we get older!

And thank you for your support too, newyear - I know it's not my fault, but seeing the pain it causes in DH makes me feel so guilty. Hopefully the doctor will be able to review my meds on Wednesday.

I can't say it enough - the kindness of everyone on this thread throughout these past few horrible weeks has blown me away, thank you for being there.

Hi ProfondoRosso, how are you doing? Good luck for doc tomorrow. Write down everything you want to say so that you don't forget. Let us know what he/she says.

Thanks Lasting, I will.

Appointment is at 4:10, I'll update afterwards. Hope you're well today.

Hope your appointment went well today.

Hi newyearhere I've not been yet - it's this afternoon. I'll update how it went later on. Thank you for checking in.

Going to Ikea with DM afterwards, which will be a nice treat. Hope everyone is well.

Sorry to have got the wrong day! Hope it goes well and you enjoy the trip to Ikea too

How did the doc visit go? And did you get nice stuff at Ikea?

We survived the first day of school and are slowly getting back into the routine.

Hi everyone, hope you are all good today.

The doctor's was a bit of a wash out, but I'm not sure what I was expecting. She decided I should stay on the sertraline at least until I've submitted my PhD and have found a job. I am certainly doing better this week than I have been the past fortnight, but I'm keeping alert and if things start to get very difficult again, I'll go back straight away. I kind of get the feeling she's not sure what to do with me anymore, but she has always been very kind and understanding. She told me to get back into doing my mindfulness meditation every day, as it seems to have helped before.

I had a grand time at Ikea, thanks Lasting - I bought some cheap blankets (we're collecting them in the office for a convoy going to Syria) and the classic 100 tealights for £1.75.

I'm sorry the doc wasn't more helpful. As ill as you were when you started this thread, I would have said you need to see a psychiatrist. Maybe I'm just spoiled with having private health care, from what I've read on mn the nhs would really frustrate me! Good luck with completing the PhD.