Not sure I can go on

[ProfondoRosso]

Hi everyone, I've posted on here before, quite a while ago, under a different name.

I have generalised anxiety disorder. I have been feeling so awful the past few days that I feel like I can't cope anymore.

I'm coming to the end of my PhD and need to find a job. That has got me worried, but now it's not so much the situation that I'm worried about, rather the fact that I'm having a relapse. I can't stand this feeling. It's horror. I get so anxious about being anxious.

I have left DH alone at home today and come into my office so I can be alone. I feel awful for doing this. When I'm this anxious, I smoke a lot and DH hates it. He feels it's a sign that I'm not fighting hard enough, that I'm just letting the feelings get me. I used to smoke a lot more, but have been wearing nicotine patches at weekends and when we're on holiday, and doing pretty well. DH is the kindest man - he was so gentle with me yesterday when I was having panic attacks, but this is too much for him. He has such a stressful job and really, really needs the weekends to rest. So I had to get away - to be alone, to smoke. I feel like scum.

I've been on several different meds - I'm on Sertralone 200mg now and I thought I was getting better. I hate this cycle of get better for a while, then get worse. I've been doing mindfulness meditation and thought it was a game changer but I let it slide during the Christmas holidays and feel like that might be related to how I'm feeling.

DH is 38, I'm 28. We so want to have a baby. We knew we had to wait until my PhD was over and I thought I was really getting better. Now I feel like we can never have children, because I'll never get well. If I crack up or smoke during pregnancy, it would hurt the baby. And I'd be a bad, unwell mother. And smoking will kill me one day.

I wish I'd been born to a horrible family and never met DH, because then nobody would be hurt if I killed myself. He bought me a juicer for Christmas. We were meant to have a nice day making juice today. But I've just been throwing up, smoking and now all the fruit and veg he bought me will go bad. I'm a horrible person and I feel like I just want to die.

I'm sorry for the ramble, I just needed to get this out.

How are you doing today ProfondoRosso?

Thank you for checking in, Lasting. I'm still not so good. I had panic attacks Saturday and Sunday night and this morning, which is awful because I always used to settle down at night and feel safer. But I've phoned the doctor and will hopefully get a telephone consultation today.

Hi everyone, sorry to come back again but I'm really not doing well. I'm in my office, colleagues are here so that's good, but frightened of going home later. I'm so scared I'll have another panic attack (like the last two nights), feel an intense need to smoke (I never do at home or in the evenings) and DH will hate me. GP hasn't phoned yet, but I feel so sick and light-headed.

Ask DH to take you to A&E... you've suffered long enough, you need to act. If you don't want tonight to be a repeat of the last 2 nights then you must change something about the situation. ((HUG))

I need to wait until DH gets back from work.

I feel like everything is slipping through my fingers. The life we could have had, the children we so want to have, our happiness. I don't know what we did to deserve this.

You didn't do anything to deserve it, it's an illness that you didn't bring upon yourself. Don't try and look at the big picture right now, it's going to look bleak from where you're at. Focus on what you need to do for yourself right now. Be kind to yourself. I know it doesn't feel that way but things can and will get better.

Thank you, both of you. Your kindness means so much right now. MN can be amazing.

When does your DH come home?

hi
sorry your feeling so bad,
have you tried beta blockers? they can stop/lessen the physical symptoms .

Thanks wfrances, I've had beta blockers from the doc before, but years ago. I'm still waiting for her to call me today. I have some diazepam which is about a year old - don't know if that would still be OK to take?

I would take the diazepam if I was you.

Thank you for checking in, Lasting and Precious - I had some diazepam and am just sitting with some chamomile tea. Still quite shaky, but feeling a little better. My mind is a bit quieter right now and I'm thankful for that, and the amazing kindness of everyone on this thread.

I don't know how tomorrow and the rest of the week will go, but right now feels better than earlier.

Good morning ProfondoRosso, how was your night? Did the gp ever get back to you?

Good morning. I hope you had a restful night, still here just checking in on you. Posting is sporadic due to aforementioned 3 year old + last phase if pregnancy - and I'm not sure how much use I am to you - but I am here to support you nonetheless.

Morning everybody, and thank you again for checking in. I had a better night last night - no panic attack, managed to keep some food down and took things very easy. The GP hasn't phoned back yet, but I will try again today.

I hope your DS is feeling better and you're feeling well yourself, lastnight - it's so kind of you to check in when you're in the last bit of pregnancy! And everyone else, of course, Lasting and Precious especially, you have been a real help while this has been happening.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, but as Preciousbane says, keep on trying to contact your gp. It's important that you get help.

Thank you, Precious and Lasting, I'm going to phone for an appointment to see how soon they can see me. Hope both of you are well today.

I'm fine thanks, dd came back last night after 6 days away so the family is complete again. Apart from that I spent way too much time on MN at work today... this is a bad addiction!

That's good, Lasting - I hope you're enjoying having her back. I'm meant to be writing my PhD conclusion, but MNing way more than writing. It's hard to pull yourself away!