Depression...can it make someone change?

[SlappyQueen]

My lovely husband of 9 years has been diagnosed as depressed after a long period of extreme stress. He acted like a very different person. Was no longer loving, said some really cold things, didn't want to be with the kids, and even said he wasn't sure if he loved me and wanted to be alone for a while.

I'm finding it hard not to take it personally...has anyone been through this, and what insight can you offer me to how he is feeling? I'm torn between being really angry with him and wanting to help him but I can't understand if this is depression or if our marriage is over?

Depression can manifest itself in different ways, depending on the severity and the individual person. It is a really horrible illness and one that is still so misunderstood by so many people, and sadly the stigma of mental illness is still with us.

Maybe you could give a few more details, but depression almost always makes us want to withdraw into ourselves and stay under the duvet all day, and you mention your DH wants to be alone. This is perfectly natural as when we are depressed we don't want to interact with anyone, a bit like a wounded animal, we want to go away and hide from the world.

Depression almost always causes us to feel unworthy and ashamed of the way we feel - our self esteem plummets downwards and we think there is something we should be able to do to stop the torment of this illness. I am describing how I feel (I have intermittent depression) but I think on the MH threads on here, many of us feel the same way. I become a victim when I'm depressed, childlike and wanting my DH to hold me while I cry buckets and in a way that's easier for him as he can at least comfort me.

I'm guessing the thing with you and your DH is that you don't know how best to help him. I know I'm generalising but many men "bottle up" their emotions and "live in their head" so to speak, whereas women tend to be more able to talk about their problems and difficulties.

Has your DH been prescribed meds - if so they do take 2/3 weeks to "kick in" and a GP will usually start someone on a low dose to begin with, and increase the dose after a couple of weeks. Occasionally the type of meds has to be changed as they react differently on different individuals.

Some stats: 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental illness (usually the more common one of depression/anxiety) at some point in their lives.
1 in 6 people are suffering at any one time.
one third (at least) of all GP consultations are mental health related.
4 out of 5 people recover from depression within 4-6 months.

I hope you can find a way of supporting your DH because it is most definitely the illness that is changing his behaviour. If you give a few more details maybe I can help more. Some people are able to carry on with their daily routine and sort of "put on a brave face" while others are unable to do this, and I think this is dependent upon the severity of the depression. In moderate/severe depression I think it is very unlikely that people will be able to carry on working and with their previous daily routines.

Slappy didn't want to read and run but you and I are in exactly the same position - only mine won't believe the doctor and thinks he is just unhappy not depressed. My husband has said exactly the same things to me. I am just off out but will reply more later. Mine told me two weeks before christmas, he is still here and trying really hard. He is still distant and not at all tactile but I have left him alone to try and sort his head out and things have been ok. I have seen flashes of the old him. It is a day by day thing - I have no idea what the future holds but I know that the issue is him, not me. As much as I have had a crisis of confidence I have kept it to myself.

Thanks NanaNina. To give a bit more detail, he's always been a very kind, loyal, devoted husband. He is very hands on with the kids and loves playing with them. Over nine months though he had a lot of stress. A bereavement, pressure at work, an injury which meant he had to stop playing rugby and we lost our life savings on a property investment abroad which went tits up . He tried to be strong, but I think it just got to him in the end. Over a month or two he started to detach himself from me and the kids. He started shouting at the kids which he's never done before. He started getting irritable with me which he's never done before. He started to drink a lot and do selfish things. Which is all not his usual character.

We had one big argument, and he left for two weeks which he's never done before. He's been back and forth to the house and says he wants to be alone but is also lonely. He says he feels numb and doesn't get enjoyment out of spending time with me and he says it makes him feel like he has stopped loving me. He says all sorts of cold things which are nothing like him and he doesn't seem to care about our kids at all. He says he wants time alone to recover himself because he says he's not all right and needs to look after just himself for a bit. I feel like he's a complete stranger and it makes me feel really lonely and confused because he was the best husband and Daddy.

I had to really push him to go to the doctor because he doesn't believe in mental illness but he's not taken the pills yet. I wanted him to go to therapy but he thinks this is also rubbish. I did an online test with him to show him he was depressed but he doesn't seem to believe it's a real illness.

He says he's not suicidal and he does feel like things will be OK again, but I really miss my husband and am really worried about it all. It's really hard to understand why he doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself right now. There's no other woman or anything like that.

When I see him he is either really cold and distant or really emotional and crying left, right and centre. He says he feels really angry too and he's never been an angry or aggressive person at all.

Brokenpurple, we cross posted there. This is the same situation. I get flashes of my husband, there are moment when his tenderness comes through. Mine is also the same and find it hard to believe depression is a real thing. I want to talk to him about it all but feel like he's not very stable.

I just mostly wanted to know if he really doesn't love me, or if some sort of stress or depression can make a person feel disconnected like this. It's really hurtful because we have always been so close and loving with each other.

It is difficult living with someone who is depressed, the tendency (for me at least) was to think it was all my fault, there was something that I should be doing to help etc.. And also to get very hurt by negative comments and attitudes, which also does not help.
Best way it was described to me was to consider the depression as a separate entity to the person, as if the big friendly family pet developed rabies.. The cuddly pet is still there but the disease makes behaviour very different and dangerous. Treat the disease, get through it, the cuddly pet returns.

But, I really missed my DH when he was ill, was so glad when he came back. Hoping for sunnier days for you as well OP.

Totally agree with everything Nina has said.

Please don't take it personally or be angry with him. It is very common to shut everyone out when you have depression. Your dh will likely need all his resources to just cope with being, let alone being husband, dad, etc. It is awful and selfish, and very much the nature of depression. He will no doubt be aware that he is shutting you out and the guilt of doing this adds to the depression and feeling of worthlessness.

Obviously i'm speaking from my own experiences here and don't want to generalise. I depended very much on my partner during the worst of my illness, and still do now. The whole thing was rough on him as well as on me. He lost his fun, loving independent partner and had a needy, unpredictable, shell of a person instead.

I hope knowing that he isn't doing this intentionally helps a little bit. It can be a long road to recovery, but there is a lot of help out there now if he is willing to access it, but your support will go a long way to helping. Make sure you look after yourself too though - recovery can take a while.

Sorry to read and run but there is some good advice on the Mind website about caring for/living with someone with depression and a good book called "Living with someone with a black dog" - plus the YouTube clip "I had a black dog" is a great insight.

MostlyLovingLurchers, this is exactly what he said. He said he needed all his resources just to cope with being and could not right now be a husband or a Dad right now.

I am trying to be supportive and have faith, but the nagging thought is in my head "what if he just doesn't love me".

He has asked me to go away with him this weekend, leave the kids with his parents because he says that he just wants time alone with me with no pressures on him and he says the idea of that makes him feel happy. Although at the same time he is talking about separating for a few months while he sorts himself out because he says being on his own is both a relief and awful. He does still see the kids and spends time with them but it's like he's a wooden cut out of himself. Very hard to describe. One of the kids was hugging him and he barely hugged back.

It's a very confusing thing to understand because I'd have thought if you were down you'd want your wife with you to look after you. Being pushed away is horrible.

Thank you Yddraigoldragon . I hope he does come back.

Oh SQ you are describing a very common pattern of behaviour for someone with depression. I think it's harder for men because they tend to "not believe" in depression and certainly therapy is usually a "NoNo" too and their quest is to get better without any diagnosis or help. Sadly there is still a huge stigma around mental illness and this all comes into play when we are depressed.

I think you have to be assertive about the meds and insist that he takes them, as they are in the main very affective and he is not giving himself the chance to get well again. OK depression is said to be a self limiting illness and 4 out of 5 people make a full recovery in 4 - 6 months.

I really can empathise with your DH as the things you describe could well be descriptions of me when I have bad days - I am irritable/angry and scared and crying by turn. This is the confusion that depression brings with it - it's like our brain has been taken over by a stranger and we are "not the person that we were before the depression" and this is the reason he is questioning himself about his relationship with you. It really isn't that he doesn't love you and I think you have to try hard to believe that, and tell him that it is the depression "talking" and not him, and this might be something of a relief to him.

I totally get how he feels he can't cope with the children - when I am having bad days (my depression is intermittent) I don't feel I can cope with the cats! Many young mothers on here are having to cope with young children when they are depressed and god only knows how they do it, because I'm sure I couldn't but I suppose if there is no option they have to get on with it.

It does takes all our resources to cope with every waking hour when we are depressed. It is difficult for anyone who has bot suffered the torment of this illness at first hand to even begin to understand it, but believe me it is one horrendous illness.

SO I think you should be firm with your DH and tell him that he must take the meds as they are likely to get him better (and back to the loving DH that he once was) more quickly. We become very self absorbed in our own emotions and are unable to empathise very well with others, but that's the nature of the beast I'm afraid.

Re the weekend away - yes it could be a good idea, but then again we often feel that we can "get away" from our depression by moving somewhere else and of course this doesn't happen. But it would be a time for you two to talk. Try asking him gently to describe how he is feeling, and be firm about the medication. Tell him he owes that to you and the children.

Oh and I urge you to read up about depression and go on the MIND site that has a wealth of information.

Have just re-read your post where you wonder why he doesn't want you with him and is pushing you away. I think at a sub conscious level he doesn't feel worthy of his relationship with you - he is not pushing you away, though I accept that this is how it feels for you, it is more that he is pulling himself away from you because he hates the person he has become.

Another word about the meds.....tell him that he like someone with a broken leg who refuses to have a cast on it, and is trying to do a hill climb!

Dh has always had problems with depression and stress. About 3 years ago he had a midlife crisis and completely chamged. Thankfully with councelling and upping his antids we got through it and we have got him back.
Unfortunately Mn has no sympathy for men with depression and most posters are told to ltb. Have seen posters told not to help their dh ie getting gp appointments, but if the dh goes to the gp himself that he is being manipulative.

Sorry - many xposts.

When you are drowning all you want is air, hence the desire for space. Isolation just magnifies all the problems though, it really does. He needs to stay connected to normal life as much as possible.

It is possible he may be able to work through it without any intervention if the causes of the stress have been removed, but stress and depression change the way your body responds and so what happens is you keep having stress reactions to non-stress situations, if that makes sense. That is why he needs the meds. They won't cure him but they will take the edge off so he can function. This will make it easier to make more rational decisions, and access talking therapies (which is the last thing you want to do in the throes of depression). He may THINK that therapy is rubbish but he doesn't KNOW that it is. It is evidence-based treatment - what evidence does he have that he will just get better on his own? It will enable him to understand what has happened to him, why he is responding as he does, and give him tools to manage in the future.

You obviously can't make him access treatment but perhaps a bit of research may help him see the value? What does he think he'll lose by trying compared to what he could lose by not trying? It can be hard to accept the seriousness of what is happening to you, compounded by stigma about mental health that sadly still exists, but he owes it to himself as well as you to do anything he can to get better - that doesn't mean shutting himself in a room and hoping it all magically goes away. Might be worth knowing that you can often self-refer for therapies like cbt, mindfulness, counselling, and so don't even need to go through the gp (and it's free).

I do feel for you - i put my dp through absolute hell during my illness, but we survived it. If this is all down to depression and there is nothing else going on, then you can come out the other side but he needs to help himself too as there is only so much you can do for him.

X post again!

Yes - re weekend away. Use it as a chance to talk, but as the saying goes, wherever you go there you are. This isn't something he can run away from.

Thank you for all this info. Friends and family are not much help...they seem mystified and a lot of them are very angry with him. I love him enough to weather through this and help him get back to himself. I know he would do anything for me if the boot was on the other foot.

I will be firm on the medication and will test the water on the therapy. He's always been such a happy go lucky sort of person but I think he just hit his own limit.

Sometimes starting medication can help and when more stable on medication then talking treatments can be more effective, especially is someone is negative about them. Doing talking treatment (as limited sessions on NHS) when very low may not be so useful for him, whereas a short while on medication may make things a little better for him to engage with it.

Other things that help are limiting alcohol and increasing exercise.

Thanks SilverStars.

If he does refuse to take the medication or to have therapy...can he come out of it by himself? I know it came on due to massive situational stress and he's always been such a happy and positive person.

Does he need to take this medication, or can I help him out of it with patience, love, exercise, healthy eating and all that? He's just so stubborn..

I have chronic depression. It does sound like depression that he is talking about, not just him being difficult or selfish.

Wanting to be alone, but not on your own just about sums it up

Things will help, care and patience, healthy food and exercise definitely. Whether he needs medication, well a gp has prescribed it to help and it will help. But people can recover without yes, I guess much depends on whether the depression has a specific cause and if that cause can be removed and recovered from. It may mean reduced responsibility or hours at work until he can manage it or maybe not - no two people are the same. Many people used to manage depression without talking therapy, now that is freely available it is another tool to aid it, as is medication. But he has to be willing to accept there is a problem and take responsibility for making changes or taking tablets etc. I hope he recovers and you can have good dialogue with him about your needs too.

I wish these people who get angry when people are in the midst of a depressive illness had a taste of it themselves (just for a day or so) and they might change their ideas. I think this is one of the problems for people like us - the stigma of mental illness shows no signs of decreasing.

I think "depression" is the wrong word to describe this illness because it is an everyday expression and people use it when they are just "fedup" or the weather is "depressing."

Re taking meds or not. Maybe you could talk to your DH about why he doesn't want to take the meds - it is possible that he sees depression as a sign of weakness and the "happy pills" are not for him. He may be scared of the side effects as many people are, and if you read those leaflets inside the pack they will scare you stiff. It's just that drug companies are compelled to put in every possible side effect to be legal. Many people think the meds will make them like "zombies" - I see that time and again on here.

As SS says he may well get better without meds and tests have shown that in mild depression there is little difference between an AD and a placebo. However this is not true for moderate/severe depression and there is definite evidence that ADs will be effective.

Re: therapy. If your DH is aware of the cause of his depression (you mention stress) and some sort of loss (not necessarily a bereavement) is usually the root cause of depression. If the stress has been removed then I'm not sure what he would gain from therapy, but in any event it doesn't sound like he could make good use of therapy at the stage he is at with his illness. The meds help to lift people sufficiently to make good use of therapy.

I'm so glad you can now see that your DH is ill and he most definitely has not stopped loving you. Depression plays all sorts of tricks on us and we no longer recognise ourselves when the depression is severe. I don't mean that literally, it's just that we forget who we used to be before the depression hits and we are "lost" and confused and overwhelmed at times. There is often a lack of emotion, although feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, emptiness, nothingness are common.

Please keep posting if necessary and do all you can to help your DH back to health again.

DH has gone back to work today after a few days off (since Christmas Eve) and seems to be back to silent again.

I am just taking it day by day OP but like you I just keep thinking what if he just doesn't love me anymore.

I miss the person he was so much

I too am living through this. I had severe pnd and crippling anxiety a couple of years ago and am living with someone who Has suffered with crippling depression for the past 4 years.

It is bloody awful.

We are becoming isolated from my family because they just don't believe the 'bad' behaviour is the illness, not the person.

I can feel myself sliding back into anxiety day by day .

Hope you can get your dh back.

Thank you all. These replies make me feel so much better. I wish I could walk in his shoes for a day to really understand this. I miss my husband so much...he's always been my rock, my comforter and he's never the one that gets stressed out or upset. I would so much prefer it if it was something I could help him with but when he pulls away from me I feel so useless.

NanaNina It's because he sees them as happy pills. A sign of weakness. Probably why he never told me he wasn't feeling OK in the first place. He always talks to me about my deepest emotions, and he shares all his thoughts with me but he's very emotionally illiterate in terms of himself. He just sort of closes things off. He always has but he does eventually talk to me so I never pressure him. He's the strong and silent type.

I really hope this weekend we can properly talk. Since this all started about 10 weeks ago this is the first time he has sounded a little happy or joyful about anything. He says while we have been apart the past month that he's started checking his phone for messages from me and feeling disappointed if he doesn't have one so I am hoping this means he stlll have loving feelings for me buried.

All he keeps saying is that he doesn't know what he feels or what he wants. It's very frustrating.

I will give him the benefit of the doubt and be there for him through this. All the advice really helps and I'm so relived that so many of you feel this could be the depression talking.

If it helps, explain to him that the meds are not 'happy pills'. They don't make you artificially happy. What they usually do is take off the edge of extreme emotions so you are on more of an even plateau. They are about helping you through the crisis until you are at a point where you can start dealing with the issues, or time itself can heal, but without them it is virtually impossible to think clearly and rationally if he has anything other than mild depression (and it doesn't sound mild).

I did wonder - does he drink at all? You haven't mentioned that he is so i hope not, but it is easy to start self-medicating with drink, drugs, food, and can compound the problems. Just something to watch out for. Is he coping ok with work and dealing with people there?

I'm really glad that you can see it is the depression, not something he is choosing to do. My dp would tell you that it was like living with a complete stranger. He used to dread coming home because he didn't know who or what he'd find there. From my pov i hadn't actively stopped loving him, i just had no room for feelings and emotions because i couldn't trust what i was feeling was really me - does that make sense to you? The effort to get through the day took everything.

In terms of what to do, it helped me immensely that he dealt with all the practical stuff so i didn't have to worry about day to day things. He came with me to all my appointments. He gave me space when i needed it and was there when i needed to rant or cry. He read up on the illness and treatment options. All those things really helped. I'll be honest - it has been a long road and it has changed us both, but not necessarily for the worse. Everyone's experience is going to be different. I hope the weekend helps you both find a way forward together.

Thank you MostlyLovingLurchers...I will try and explain that.

He always liked a drink, but since he started getting down he started drinking a lot more. We argued about it a little. He hates his job, he hates going to work..has trouble waking up in the morning, is frequently late. This is nothing like what he was before.

I wish I could deal with the practical stuff, but if he moved out and wants to be on his own, what can I do?!

One thing that I realised last night, was that immediately before all this stress hit us, he suffered a severe head injury and since that he has experiences all these mood problems. I googled it and it said online that apparently 50% of people who have experienced a severe head injury will develop depression within a year. That might make a lt of sense? He was a different person almost immediately after this happened. No energy, snappy, irritable, drinking more etc.