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Original poster

trigger warning.

41 replies

selfdestructivelady · 25/12/2013 16:25

If it wasn't Christmas I'd end my life.
I'm worthless and useless I hope there is no God for then I'll have to endure on and on.

I'm the child of a drug addict and a histrionic mum I remember holding my dad's head up as a child when he had to much so he didn't choke on his vomit.

I'm a rape survivor and no I didn't press charges because I loved my rapist. I was 15 and was held face down and raped anally and vaginally.

I have bipolar and borderline.I had a termination at age 15 that I didn't want and I had to go in alone it was this moment I realised I had to be alone forever. After the termination I started hemorrhaging but I hid it. Then after a while I felt a urge to push so I went to the toilet and as something was coming out of me I ran to my mum covered in blood. I was happy I thought I was giving birth. But I wasn't it was my womb prolapsing. I went to hospital weighing 6 stone and was admitted for a month.

When I reached a and e I was taken straight through that's when I was informed it wasn't a baby but my womb coming out because of the hemorrhage. Over they next month they talked of a d and c as I had retained products but luckily it wasn't necessary.

I had a year of therapy after that.

I shut everyone out and I can't let anyone in because while people look at me and think I'm cold and strong inside I'm dying and I'm so fragile.

My dh is shut out but I have no choice I can't trust anyone. I've been let down too much.

OP posts:
CestelloAnnunciation · 25/12/2013 16:32

I'm so sorry to read this. You sound like you're in real pain. I think you need to go back to your GP and get an urgent referral for more therapy. You have been through so much. I really relate with lots of it - bipolar disorder, rape, traumatic termination etc.

Please dont bottle this up any longer x

whereisthewitch · 25/12/2013 16:36

Please please ring the samaritans...right now please....someone is there to listen. You are not worthless. ...you deserve much much more than you've been given in this life, your DH loves you.

Millie2013 · 26/12/2013 06:21

I'm so, so sorry that you have had to endure all this and in the short term, please reach out to someone, be it the Samaritans, or your GP (or A&E, if you are in crisis)
In the longer term and apologies if this sounds blunt, but one year of therapy, even very effective therapy is not a lot at all for someone with such a complex history.

There is help out there to heal and move on from this, you can't possibly do it on your own

Original poster
selfdestructivelady · 26/12/2013 11:44

I do contact the Samaritans and I'm waiting for my next pychiatrist appointment to ask for further therapy. Thanks all for listening and I'm very sorry that you've been through similar cestello.

OP posts:
CestelloAnnunciation · 27/12/2013 11:50

Hw are you feeling today, OP? Did you call the Samaritans?

Original poster
selfdestructivelady · 27/12/2013 14:48

I didn't call the Samaritans I text them instead. Still feel pretty much the same thanks for asking.

OP posts:
Original poster
selfdestructivelady · 27/12/2013 16:00

Last night was hard kept thinking I could wait till everyone was sleeping then take a od.

OP posts:
CestelloAnnunciation · 28/12/2013 11:25

You need to call the crisis team. Please do it. Dont be alone with these thoughts x

Original poster
selfdestructivelady · 28/12/2013 17:07

I'm in a and e having overdosed.

OP posts:
CestelloAnnunciation · 28/12/2013 17:22

Oh darling! Am so so sorry to hear this. But you are in the right place. Please be frank and tell the docs how you have been feeling. You may need to stay in for a while and get some rest. Thinking of you x

SnowyMouse · 28/12/2013 17:23

Good luck, thinking of you.

PacificDingbat · 28/12/2013 17:25

Please accept whatever help is offered. Please ask for help if you feel what's offered is not enough.
You know you are not worthless and actually quite resilient to have come through a lot more than most people.
How did you end in hospital?

Original poster
selfdestructivelady · 28/12/2013 17:39

Thanks all I will update you all when I see the doctor.

OP posts:
SoonToBeSix · 28/12/2013 19:15

Op am thinking of you Thanks

WowserBowser · 28/12/2013 19:25

Oh god how awful. I'm so so sorry op Thanks

I've been raped and recently had a termination that didn't go to plan so if you want a friendly ear, i know some of what you are going through xx

200Cigarettes · 28/12/2013 20:53

selfdestructivelady you have been through so so much, it's understandable that you'd feel awful. I'm so sorry you overdosed. Please keep speaking to us, we're here for you and I know we're just anonymous letters on a screen, but we care about your well being.

WowserBowser · 28/12/2013 20:56

Good post 200

We do care x

Original poster
selfdestructivelady · 28/12/2013 21:14

Thanks all doctor said I have to wait for mybloods and crisis before they decide if I can go home. wowser so sorry to hear you've had a similar experience and thanks for your offer.

OP posts:
PacificDingbat · 28/12/2013 22:24

Do you want to go home?

What do you think would help you most? What changes can you make to help feel better or even just to seek help before you harm yourself?

You are in a safe place just now. Engage with the help on offer.

200Cigarettes · 29/12/2013 08:15

How are you today OP? X

Original poster
selfdestructivelady · 29/12/2013 09:44

I feel pretty much the same thanks for asking. I guess I need to call crisis before I harm myself in future. They discharged me late last night but are bringing my next pychiatrist appointment forward.

I have to try and keep busy instead of dwelling on things which I'm going to try and do today.

OP posts:
PacificDingbat · 29/12/2013 09:53

Hope you have a good day today, self Smile.
Change your NN to a more positive one for starters Wink.

200Cigarettes · 29/12/2013 12:45

Do you have aby plans today op? I think making some firm plans to do todau would help you get through the day - eg: lunch at 1pm, shops at 2pm, wash dishes at 3pm, talk to samaritans at 4pm etc.

I'm very concerned about you and want you to be okay.

Please keep posting.

Original poster
selfdestructivelady · 29/12/2013 12:48

I am currently cooking dinner then I intend to head into town. After that I'm going to take some rubbish up the dump. Then sort out the clothes as we have a new wardrobe to set up.

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 29/12/2013 13:31

Sounds like good plans for the day, self