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Original poster

trigger warning.

41 replies

selfdestructivelady · 25/12/2013 16:25

If it wasn't Christmas I'd end my life.
I'm worthless and useless I hope there is no God for then I'll have to endure on and on.

I'm the child of a drug addict and a histrionic mum I remember holding my dad's head up as a child when he had to much so he didn't choke on his vomit.

I'm a rape survivor and no I didn't press charges because I loved my rapist. I was 15 and was held face down and raped anally and vaginally.

I have bipolar and borderline.I had a termination at age 15 that I didn't want and I had to go in alone it was this moment I realised I had to be alone forever. After the termination I started hemorrhaging but I hid it. Then after a while I felt a urge to push so I went to the toilet and as something was coming out of me I ran to my mum covered in blood. I was happy I thought I was giving birth. But I wasn't it was my womb prolapsing. I went to hospital weighing 6 stone and was admitted for a month.

When I reached a and e I was taken straight through that's when I was informed it wasn't a baby but my womb coming out because of the hemorrhage. Over they next month they talked of a d and c as I had retained products but luckily it wasn't necessary.

I had a year of therapy after that.

I shut everyone out and I can't let anyone in because while people look at me and think I'm cold and strong inside I'm dying and I'm so fragile.

My dh is shut out but I have no choice I can't trust anyone. I've been let down too much.

OP posts:
200Cigarettes · 29/12/2013 17:15

How's everything going self?

Original poster
selfdestructivelady · 29/12/2013 17:23

I got quite a lot done today but I'm struggling now so I've stopped and I'm having a relax. Still feel very down though.

OP posts:
PacificDingbat · 29/12/2013 17:27

Is there anybody with you? Are you having a cup of tea?

200Cigarettes · 29/12/2013 17:37

Can you explain to why you feel down? What would help - being around people? Could you do something to take your mind of this horrible feeling? How about going to the cinema? I know these are short term fixes but if you can get through one day maybe tomorrow won't seem so daunting.

Remember you're a good person, you didn't deserve what happened to you and you don't deserve to die. You have probably touch lives that you have no idea about. There are people out there who care about you.

Original poster
selfdestructivelady · 29/12/2013 17:59

Thanks Dh is downstairs I just feel so alone yet i feel to tired to go down and join in with Dh and the dc.

OP posts:
GimmeDaBoobehz · 29/12/2013 18:55

I'm sorry to hear what you have gone through.

None of the above is your fault though and there isn't anything you could've done to change how your parents were, that was completely out of your control.

It's not uncommon to care for your rapist either. I know a few people who have fell in love with their rapist. It's feeling any close bond that makes you put up with anything, especially if you haven't had any closeness with a family member.

The situation with the birth sounds horrific and it sounds like you may have some PTSD about that, because it's pretty traumatic even to read about it so I imagine going through it must've been terrible.

Whenever you have the urge do try and busy yourself or watch something that will make you laugh. If you feel like hurting yourself and can't control it put something very cold on yourself. It can sometimes be painful enough just to numb the pain (it's what I did when depressed).

I hope you get some success from your psychiatric appointment and I do hope it's been moved forward to a time that is much closer to today, as you can't be left to feel like that it's just not right.

Thinking of you. Thanks

Original poster
selfdestructivelady · 29/12/2013 19:03

Thanks gimme my appointment should be within a week.

OP posts:
200Cigarettes · 29/12/2013 21:43

I'm glad gimme has given you some good advice. I'm rather useless at the advice, I just want to make sure you're okay and getting done help. Keep posting here if it helps, amd remember how much your dc love you, you are their world.

Original poster
selfdestructivelady · 30/12/2013 14:04

200 you've given me great advice thank you we'll ladies I managed to do something really positive today, I managed to do 20 minutes on my x trainer. This is good because my meds and lack of exercise have made me gain loads of weight. But I feel a lot more positive because of it and if I can keep it up and lose some weight I'll feel a lot better as my weight has really been getting me down.

OP posts:
PacificDingbat · 30/12/2013 14:13

Well done, self, give yourself due credit for having done something so positive today.
Baby steps. Small steps every day.

200Cigarettes · 30/12/2013 14:30

Brilliant self! I'm pleased you've done something for yourself, you sound a bit more positive today, am glad :-)

200Cigarettes · 30/12/2013 14:31

Btw my weight is getting me down too, I'm at least 2-3 stone overweight and xmas isn't helping!

Original poster
selfdestructivelady · 30/12/2013 15:10

Yeah Xmas has made things worse here to 200.

OP posts:
200Cigarettes · 30/12/2013 15:37

Gonna sound like such a grinch but can't wait for sll the holidays to be over and everything is back to normality.

Glad you're taking small positive steps self and we're here when / if you need us.

WowserBowser · 30/12/2013 16:22

Well done self You're doing really well. Exercise is good for making everything seem a bit brighter. All though i am a lazy arse, i always feel better after walk or something.

I am also looking forward to normality 200! But will miss the lie ins.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 30/12/2013 18:12

I am about 2 1/2 stone overweight too 200 and self so know exactly how you feel.

Hope the rest of the day has been productive.

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