It's gone wrong again

[UnicornCentaur]

I have mh problems and have been seen by the cmht before. They can't seem to make their mind up whether I have a mood disorder or BPD.

I was last seen by a psychiatrist in the summer less than a week after going to A&E after self harming. I asked for help and he said there was none as their budget has been cut. They discharged me because there wasn't anything they could do. I did get better for a while after and everything was fine.

About a month ago things deteriorated and now I really believe that I should be allowed to kill myself. I feel guilty that my family (no children) will have to live with it but if theres nothing the doctors can do about it then why shouldn't I? I'm not suicidal because that doesn't last this long and I just feel really calm about the idea. I've thought about it any there are some things I'll miss out on when i die but ive written lists and the bad things about life list is much longer than the good.

I spoke to a friend irl about this and my self harming she said I needed to go to my GP and make absolutely sure that they wouldn't help before I did anything. I waited a couple of weeks for an appt but the dr I saw was lovely. She let me explain everything and seemed to understand and said she would refer me to a different mh team.

I ended up seeing a copy of the referral letter she sent and it says that I have no symptoms of depression and am currently coping well. I can't see the mh team seeing me quickly after this, I asked a receptionist if they could send another letter explaining that I'm not coping and asking to be seen sooner, she said that the GP has seen me and given a professional opinion and they won't change that.

its likely going to take a couple of months for a referral and i promised I would wait but I don't care about fixing things any more. I hate doctors, I've posted before about how unhappy I've been with them.

I know I can't do anything now because it would spoil people's christmas but knowing that it won't be too long is really helping. Part of me does want the referral to come through though so that everyone knows that I did try and it couldn't be sorted out.

How do I get through the next 2-3 months?

Why do you want to die?

How old are you? This morning I witnessed the most glorious sunrise I have ever seen. I thought that was worth living. I wish I could have shared this with you. I wish I could have held your hand and watched it with you. I wish I can help you.

Today a bunch of school friends remembered The friend who killed herself 18 years ago. We all feel it was such a waste for the world to lose such a wonderful beautiful person. And guilt for not being able to help her.
This is what people feel about you too. I am sure you are loved, and a fantastic person - this is a very emotional time of year, which can't make it any easier.
I don't have any advice to give apart from keep talking to people in real life and on here. You could (or ask your friend to do it) write to the gp and the manager of the practice saying that you have misrepresented etc. I would imagine if they have something in writing they would have to act.
I know that people with more experience will be along soon with good advice. Hang on in there xx

I'm 23 and was fine until 3 years ago and then all of a sudden I had a breakdown and nothing has been right since.

I do hate this time of year, because I am supposed to be happy and I'm not. I just right it very stressful. People have said that they wouldn't know that anything is wrong with me most of the time because when I'm not sure what else to do I tell jokes and try to make people laugh.

I just need to get through xmas and new year and then I'll have one last go at trying to get a referral. Trying to get help has been horrendously difficult and I've never managed it. I know I'm not the only one though from reading threads on here. I wonder why they are so useless?

I am a student and my college have been brilliant the whole time but they aren't able to sort anything out by themselves.

I think the ewason I want to die is different because I've just had enough rather than because I feel awful. I'm not happy but I've been worse than this and not wanted to die

So sorry to hear you're feeling like this. Please get help straight away - I see there's a link at the top of this page to MN mental health web page. I hope you can find the advice and support you need.

It isn't always possible to "get help straight away" UC and the OP has already detailed how she has tried to get help and none has been forthcoming. As she says if the GP's letter says she is coping well, then they are unlikely to see her. Sometimes there isn't anything that can help even if you are seen by a CPN or social worker, other than they can refer you on to a consultant psychiatrist but it doesn't sound like that is happening either.

I think people seem to think that those of us who suffer from mental illness can just go to A & E and be seen and treated and that just isn't the case. I've lost count of the number of times I've seen posters advising someone to go to A & E immediately or ring the crisis team.

It sounds like the OP is having second thoughts which is a good thing. I think Christmas just heightens the emotions that people have and there is this notion that we should all be happy and those that aren't feel like they are the only ones not feeling full of "Christmas cheer" - when of course nothing could be further from the truth.

I really have tried so hard to get help. ive seen GPs, counsellors, psychiatrists etc. the waiting list for a CPN in my area is horrific apparently so thats out. I've hurt myself and gone to A&E. The triage nurse said everyone had better things to do that deal with self inflicted injuries. I waited hours but I went home before they saw me, a psych referral was never mentioned.

I don't want to die, I want to be able to have a 'normal' life most of the time. but after 3 years I don't see how I can choose that. the choice is death or keep going in the hope that something changes one day. I have just had enough now

Hi, the waiting list will not be horrific - the standard 18 week NHS referral time is the same in mental health as physical health. Sadly although we have free health care at a point of need it is therefore rationed. As you have already seen NHS psychiatrists etc you may have a set of notes so when your referral is sent to the team the next step for the team is to discuss your case and decide if they are the right agency to help you.
But you should not feel there is no treatment until then. Self harming is not uncommon and does not mean immediate access to services. In fact some teams will not offer treatments to people who are actively self harming for many therapeutic reasons.

I know it seeks like a long time, but in the meantime you have several choices:

• see a gp or an out of hours gp if your gp place is closed. There is cover 24/7 with out of hours service
• if you have physical injuries that need addressing then minor injuries is quicker and again if a nurse can dress it then a gp or out of hours service ( a and e is not a good use of resources in crisis winter months for things nurses at out of hours or minor injuries can deal with, which is why sympathy is often lacking at a and e in winter months, as you have already sadly experiencd. Not saying this is right - but there are other places more suited for minor injuries.
• if a major injury needs treating you can go to out of hours to be seen
• if feeling actively suicidal then you can phone the Samaritans, seek an urgent gp appointment and again if out of hours call 111 and they will direct your care.
• a gp can offer medication to help with a wait of few months if you both feel it would help.
• a gp or out of hours service or MIU or A and E can all refer you to a crisis service in the coming months if they assess you as a risk to yourself or others. Crisis usually see people for a week or few weeks, a mixture of seeing you and phonecalls. It is usually a different person each time ( on purpose, they are not there to be therapists but to risk assess and offer emergency treatments such as getting medication sorted etc; they work with other agencies such as social care to ensure children and adults alike are safe).

Different areas work different ways. Gp's can refer for short term talking treatments such as cbt, group courses etc but a patient cannot access those while referred or under a CMHT. So if not taken on by a CMHT you can ask for assessment and treatment through this other route. A Cpn is not a counsellor but part of a team of mental health workers who treat people with serious mental health illnesses.

Sorry if you knew all that. And different counties have different practices - such as assessment teams before see a Cpn for up to 13 weeks etc!!

Can you think about what you can do to help you in coming weeks? Good sleep hygiene, regular drinks and meals, some exercise, take time off work if that helps, good distractions ( Xmas tv, shopping, seeing friends, a bubble bath - whatever works for you!)

Sorry for essay.

Oh and if you are a student you have the right to university counselling services, which you may have tried. If you cannot manage your course then you can ask to talk to the right area in your Uni and see what support can be out in place: if doing a practical course ( eg medicine or nursing then they can refer you to their Occupational Health departments for assessment), or deferring parts of course or taking time out of Uni to recover.

Have you tried any of the support charities in your area have available? Your Uni will probably be able to direct you to any. Some ask for a donation depending on income.

As you are hoping for a referral a psychiatrist is the only person who can make a diagnosis of conditions such as bipolar, schizophrenia etc, and those diagnosis can take some time to achieve.

Oh dear, 23 years old and already so much sadness in your life. My thoughts and prayers will be with you in the next little while, until you get back on your feet, as I am sure you will. I am not a psychiatrist and unfortunately cannot help you that way, but I realize that mental illness is a serious thing and cannot just be wished away, like we would all like it to be. I myself feel sad these days as well as it is Christmas and it always reminds me of people I love that are no longer with me and times and places that are forever gone. I hope you have a good friend, someone you can talk to, have a laugh with or cry with, someone who can keep you company during this trying time. Please be strong, try to stay positive and hold on to hope. I do not know you but I feel your pain. Take care

Thank you for the suggestions I'll have a look at some of them now

i am currently off college for xmas so i will have time for a rest. I don't want to take a longer period of time off because I've already done that once and it was awful. I had to sign on because there weren't any jobs and my housing benefit wouldn't cover my rent so I was living on £40 a week... I don't think I could do that again.

Uni have been really good but don't have the resources for me to see a counsellor regularly so I generally don't see them. I went on the waiting list at the local Mind 7 months ago for their services and I still haven't got to the top of it. it might be more difficult for me to go now but I can find out when im at the top of the list.

I went to the minor injuries unit which is attached to our A&E in June and the sympathy is never there. One of my friends took an overdose and cut her wrists and A&E point blank refused to see her, we had to drive miles to the next hospital that would. I avoid A&E/MIU like the plague now because I can fix things myself. I don't sh regularly either, its a last resort when I have no other way of coping.

In the meantime my GP surgery seems to be staffed entirely by locums so I can't see the same person more than once and I'm crap at trying to explain things in a 10 minute appt. It's frustrating and most of them seem to think I could pull myself out of it if I tried harder.

The support for mh problems seems to be incredibly stretched and I know it's not just me but I don't really have anything else that helps. My friends are pretty good especially when I am a complete bitch to them at times. I just don't know what to do except hope that the referral comes through in Jan

Posting here does seem to help though

Hope the rest helps. Good Uni seems helpful.

Yes resources are stretched sadly. Good you on the mind list for help. Worth asking them where you are on the list again in Jan maybe. Even if referred for talking help there will be longish waits ( unless you live in an usual area without any!).

Regarding physical treatment for self harm, I spoke to a dr and nurse about this and they said that staff do not like to be too sympathetic as it can cause people to hurt themselves in order to get treatment which gives them sympathy. Not saying I agree with it, but I guess at times for me I was seeking that support. For me when I was under mental health team if I self harmed I was not allowed any contact with them for 24-48 hrs to stop the cycle of dependency being linked to self harm. If needed treatment had to go to hospital. And I friend who was in patient for 6 months of she self harmed she had to leave the mental health unit and get a taxi by herself to an a and e unit, for same reasons.

I hope you can show kindness to yourself, as that is one of the tools towards recovery.

People have suggested I might have a problem with minimising the problems before. I have always been totally honest with doctors but I also need to hold myself together. I don't cry or shout or anything and if I think im going to I tend to start telling jokes and laughing.

I know this isn't helpful but I can't stop myself doing it. I feel like if I lose it.in front of someone else then I won't get it back. I've told people that but I don't think they believe me.

I have self harmed twice in 3 years because it really is a last resort. I tried to get the CMHT to refer me to the crisis team both times but they wouldn't. The last time they discharged me. I wasnt looking for sympathy either time I wanted someone to stitch my arm and find someone who could stop me feeling the way I did and let me sleep.

Hi, could you ask a gp for some prn medication to help you at difficult times? That can help you sleep when really distressed? I have some for this reason, rarely use it but personally I find it much better than the crisis team ( who told me to light a candle and watch tv, oh yes!!).

A few days worth of a benzodiazepam for eg can really help, or a sleeping tablet.

May help you whilst you wait referral?

I did go and ask the gp for something like benzodiazapines or something for a few days last week and they said no because I was a suicide risk. They also referred me to the psychiatrists at the hospital (the CMHT discharged me) and that was the letter that said I was coping well at the moment

I will try to get some books or something in the meantime. Does anyone have any other recommendations?

I feel like I need to be on medication long term because I have taken 60mg fluoxetine in the past and that really helped. The CMHT changed my diagnosis to BPD and said under no circumstances was I to be given medication and so took the fluoxetine off me. I don't agree that I have a PD because I have periods of time in the middle where I am ok. I also don't understand why I can't have ADs when they were helping.

Ugh. I got 56 diazepams last week. I was a suicide risk as well. Psych just told me to use them until I am more stable and meds have been sorted.

Maybe you are coping well taking into account your situation. To out lookers it looks like I am coping well even though I feel shit and have suicidal thoughts.

Oh how frustrating. And for the record how did they diagnose BPD? If they did not do a formal diagnosis you can challenge it!! Another assessment with a psychiatrist sounds wise.

Also you may have more success going to an out of hours gp ( as over Christmas your gp is closed!!) as they are more likely to give you medication in my own experience!!! 2-3 days of diazepam is safe for someone to have!!

I was originally referred to the CMHT as a potential bipolar 2/mood disorder because I have abnormally high moods too. They said they couldn't diagnose anything because at the time I was depressed and they needed to see me high. I went for counselling with a psychologist and she reported back that I showed signs of a PD so the next review I had they officially changed it to bpd and stopped my antiDs- is this not how its always done? I only saw the psychiatrist for 30 mins every 3-4 mins so I don't see how they could have known what was going on.

I have been thinking about taking someone with me to the next appointment because if they don't do anything I'm not sure I'll get over it. The only person that would come is my mum and I'm sure that she could explain things. The only slight issue is that both of my parents believe quite strongly that.they don't want me labelling and don't want me put on medication. Having got to this stage though I think taking her would be better than not.

Thanks swan and I hope that you are feeling better. Maybe the GP won't give me temporary meds because of the letters from the CMHT saying I shouldn't be given medication long term.

bpd.about.com/od/antidepressants/f/SSRIworks.htm

I'm not expert but on this website it says SSRIs can be used in BPD. Could be worth finding out more about that? Especially as the fluoxetine was so helpful to you in the past.

link