It's gone wrong again

[UnicornCentaur]

I have mh problems and have been seen by the cmht before. They can't seem to make their mind up whether I have a mood disorder or BPD.

I was last seen by a psychiatrist in the summer less than a week after going to A&E after self harming. I asked for help and he said there was none as their budget has been cut. They discharged me because there wasn't anything they could do. I did get better for a while after and everything was fine.

About a month ago things deteriorated and now I really believe that I should be allowed to kill myself. I feel guilty that my family (no children) will have to live with it but if theres nothing the doctors can do about it then why shouldn't I? I'm not suicidal because that doesn't last this long and I just feel really calm about the idea. I've thought about it any there are some things I'll miss out on when i die but ive written lists and the bad things about life list is much longer than the good.

I spoke to a friend irl about this and my self harming she said I needed to go to my GP and make absolutely sure that they wouldn't help before I did anything. I waited a couple of weeks for an appt but the dr I saw was lovely. She let me explain everything and seemed to understand and said she would refer me to a different mh team.

I ended up seeing a copy of the referral letter she sent and it says that I have no symptoms of depression and am currently coping well. I can't see the mh team seeing me quickly after this, I asked a receptionist if they could send another letter explaining that I'm not coping and asking to be seen sooner, she said that the GP has seen me and given a professional opinion and they won't change that.

its likely going to take a couple of months for a referral and i promised I would wait but I don't care about fixing things any more. I hate doctors, I've posted before about how unhappy I've been with them.

I know I can't do anything now because it would spoil people's christmas but knowing that it won't be too long is really helping. Part of me does want the referral to come through though so that everyone knows that I did try and it couldn't be sorted out.

How do I get through the next 2-3 months?

Just read your original post again. You said this different dr was lovely, was referring you to a different team etc. obviously most staff will be off over Xmas time. But I'd you think trying and AD for a few months at. Alow dose may help why not specifically ask the gp that? You said she was lovely and helpful, so worth an appointment with the same gp maybe?

Hope you can plan some nice things into Xmas to help you.

I think in the beginning I was doing that but as things got worse I didn't have much choice but had to be honest. it's also meant that while I accept that my parents don't want me to have meds because they want whats best for me and don't think that is it, I think they are work trying. I normally live with friends but I'm home for xmas at the moment so it is a bit more difficult. When they aren't there I don't give that much thought to how they would perceive things but here its harder to. Mostly though its just the constant questions about why I haven't done x, y, z or why I'm still in my pjs

When I was on fluoxetine I found that 20mg was fine for a while then it didn't work so up to 40mg and same again up to 60mg which also stopped working as well after a while. Does anyone know if this is a thing? Or is it just me?

Also if I took it again after a 6mo gap would it be like starting it the first time? Or if I got another SSRI would that be different?

Unfortunately the GP I saw was a locum so I'm not sure I could see her again.

if things don't improve/ get worse I will register for the GP at my parents and get something temporary. Last time I was home I needed to see them for horrendous recurrent cystitis and they said that they don't see temporary residents any more. A quick chat with my mum about why they thought it was ok to leave someone pissing pus and blood all Christmas and they prescribed over the phone. I'm sure that would work again!!