Making decisions

[Khimaira]

How do you go about making serious decisions? Toss a coin, roll a dice, rational/emotional, make a list (but then how do you decide which points carry more weight?) or what? My thoughts keep running in circles, I know I need to make a decision soon, but I'm getting nowhere except constantly thinking about it.

I need to decide, whilst I'm not feeling suicidal, if killing myself would be the best thing for my family. Obviously, as there is such a stigma attached to it, it would be better if it could be passed off as an accident. I'm pretty sure I have that covered, albeit a stupid accident. I know it would be better for my children if I am not an influence in their lives, and the oldest is getting to an age where I would be remembered so it would be better to do it within the next few months. My DH would then be free to find someone he deserves and who could take care of the children far better than I ever could. Rationally, the answer is clear, but then the selfish, cowardly side kicks in. I don't want to leave my children even though I know it would be the best thing for them. I should have done it a long time ago. I can't think of a single other reason against it apart from my selfishness. But if I were to leave them a letter to be opened "in the event of my death" would it look too suspicious? I need to make a final decision and sort all the details out so when I do get suicidal again I know exactly what to do.

Hi Khimaira, I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing over Christmas. You sound a bit better than when you first posted, which is good news.

I thought from your first few posts that your DH was unsupportive and could be contributing to your depression, but I didn't want to say. However, in your more recent posts it seems very clear that this is the case and I think you're aware of this too. I hope you can gain some encouragement and support from continuing to post here.

You sound like you are doing all you can in very difficult circumstances and I have a lot of respect for that.

I'm such a bad mother. DC 2 cried twice during the night, I remember hearing her through a haze of sleepiness. I didn't get up either time because I just couldn't manage it. Poor thing :( I feel really mean now. She's usually awake now, but is (I assume) fast asleep so I can't even have a sneaky hug. I'm trying to resist the urge to go and check on her. I know DH would tell me I'm being daft and she is fine, just asleep and all I will do is wake her. This is so hard.

Khimaira
You think you are not depressed? Have you been feeling like this for so long it has become your "normal?"

I sat once in front of a psychiatric consultant telling him I wasn't depressed. I now laugh about this statement. God, I had all the arguments and was being so rational about it all, it scares me a bit.

You remind me of myself back then. I was on the verge of a major breakdown and had gone from being depressed to being very angry and self destructive to very rational about it all. But not too detached to get help, thankfully.

I too had a small child, hardly even managed to talk to her some days. It has done her no harm.

We don't know much about your situation, but your dh's attitude doesn't help at all.

I was put on medication (for one year) and had therapy, up came so many things I had buried deep down. Once dealt with they are easier to live with. I had no idea how much subconcious energy I was using on keeping stuff below the surface.

I suspect there is loads of stuff under your surface too. People can only take so much, until it gets too much. Getting help is not an admission of weakness, it is a display of strength.

Your children love you and you love them. It shines through your words. They will always remember you, don't fool yourself by thinking they are too young. You have every chance of happiness with them. Everything that seems so hard doesn't have to you know. It is hard because you are ill.

Please get help.

It sounds like letting her settle herself back to sleep was the right thing to do, the fact she is sleeping now (or when you posted) means that she is in a nice deep sleep. So inadvertently you did the right thing there. It is so hard when you are tired. Keep going - we are here to listen, you are doing well

She woke just after I posted that last post! So she came in for a cuddle (and milk). We had people round today, it was noisy but the DC had fun.

I'm not sure [Cinnamon]. I don't really know how I feel if that makes any sense. Well, tired obviously, but beyond that..? Just been having a little blip that's all. I don't really have anything buried deep down, pretty bland uneventful life really. I tried to write an email to my old counsellor tonight and failed. I don't know what to say. It's so much harder keeping things together when there's someone who knows how hard I find it. I feel like I spend my effort on hiding the cracks and he is looking for them and my whole life is just going to crumble. I don't explain things very well

It makes sense. You lost your emotional connection with yourself during the time you were ill.
Being detached and all rational about it seems the solution, but it isn't really.
What are you trying to keep together? Which cracks do you mean?

Just everything really. Cracks in a (not sure of the word) figurative? sense.

It's not easy to look after young children and I too feel bad about not doing crafts, shouting too much, etc. I think it's normal to look around and imagine that other mums are doing better things with and for their children. But by clothing, feeding and letting your DCs jump all over you while cuddling you with the TV on, you're being a wonderful mummy. I understand how hard it is to get out of bed, to imagine what you SHOULD be doing with/ for them and feel immobilised and unable to do the, - hence, even more guilty. Start by giving yourself a break. Just as you would if you had the flu. Allow the TV thing. Stop judging yourself on it. Your children love you and you clearly love them dearly. I'm sending you big hugs and hope that you find someone in RL to confide in.

When you're depressed (which you are) you think your family would be better off without you. That isn't the case. They need you. They need your love and you need them too.

Please go get help. My mum was in your position and I can't even put into words how much it hurt and how thankful I am she got help.

You sound like an intelligent, warm woman. You're not a bad mum or partner. Please don't give up.

You owe it to yourself, and your children to at least try to get help before you make such a drastic decision.

You're doing so well by the way. You're trying. That is the most important thing.

If you know anyone whose parent killed themself you will realise how harmful it is to leave your child in this way.
The logic you feel about it is because the balance of your mind is disturbed and you need help.

I get that cracks and crumbling don't seem good, Khimaira, but maybe they're what you need to break you out of this life into one that's actually worth living?

Maybe. But I don't think I can cope with that.

But either way you're not coping are you khimaira. I don't want to sound harsh or anything, but surely it's worth a try?

I sent my old counsellor an email, but not heard anything back. I know it sounds pathetic, I just don't have any energy to deal with anything at the moment.

I have an appointment for this afternoon. My plans have turned to mush, I don't know if it's me trying to find excuses or if I should just get on with it. We had a contraception failure at the weekend (a real one this time!), at the right/wrong time so now I feel I should wait until I now for certain until I know that I'm not pregnant. But that pushes me right close to the last of my child-free days for the next 2.5 years... I'm confused. I don't know what to do now. I had everything sorted.