may aswell kill myself

[fee25]

10 years ago when i was 15 i was taking advantage of 3 men after it i was really xonfused cuz i was drunk and cant really remember much. i then started sleeping around alot because i thought i was worthless and when i met guys they made me feel special but there really just after one thing.

ive been seeing my cpn since may and finally told her everything and she says she thinks i use sex as self harm? she also said when i told her about the 3 guys that made her feel uneasy...what does she mean about that?

i feel so low now cuz now i feel she is umcomortable around me and dont see her for another 3 weeks, dont know how am gona cope just want to drink lots of alchol and take lots of tablets and foegot everything i cant see anything getting better i have no friends, my partner split up with me over a month ago, my mum doesnt understand just shouts at me ive took 5 overdoses this year

please help!!!!!

You need to contact the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90

Taking an overdose isn't going to help you.

The CPN is the only person who can answer why she felt 'uneasy'. It may be that she felt you were victim of a crime and it made her feel uneasy that you were stating that you 'had sex' when really you were assaulted.

does uneasy mean she feels awkward around me? i wss in a group today and she was very quiet with me cant help think i shouldnt of said anything

ive just been to the shop and bought a bottle of wine and paracetmel

Well no one can stop you drinking it and taking the paracetamol, can they? It's a very dangerous thing to do and you'll be well aware, I'm sure, that with paracetamol, even if you change your mind there is a very small window of opportunity to reverse the effects. Many a person has regretted taking them, too late.

I really think you should phone either the Samaritans, 999 if you feel you're at immediate risk, or present at A&E.

Phone the Samaritans please.

I think your therapist isn't upset with you or uneasy with you but upset at what you have been through. If you have been seeing her since May you will have built up a relationship.

The sleeping around looking for someone to make you feel special is very common. I would have thought they have heard similar before.

Please do not worry about the therapist. Focus on you.

she did look like she was about to cry when i was telling her, i just dont want her to feel awkward around me or hate me and i dont see her for another 3 weeks and lots of thoughts r going round my head about what she said on monday n wot i said to her cant help but think i shouldnt of daid anything

You're not responsible for her emotions - she has a job to do and she will have supervision meetings where she can discuss any feelings that arise from contact with clients.

You're relationship with her is for her to support you.

does that mean i could.be switched to another cpn if its too much for to handle? i dont think i could cope with that its took me ages to speak out to her :(

feels like am heading for a breakdown with me and patner splitting up i feel so lonely and feel like am going to go back to my old ways with sleeping around again (i dont even enjoy sex and feel rotton everytime after it so dont know y i put.myself through it)

never got much sleep last night but iam feeling a wee bit better going to try and keep.myself busy.

my cpn gave me a worksheet to fill out so got that to do over the hols

i tend to get attached to professionals very easy, o do feel attached to her and i jave felt to other professionals in the past could this be related to what happened?

Are you looking for approval from the professionals?

(This is pretty normal )

Please phone someone for help today.

i dunno its hard to explain but i contsantly worry about them like what if something bad happened to them, if i have app with them i always think there gonna cancel i always think the worse

Poor you, sounds very draining.

thank u for ur kind words, means alot :)

that worksheet she has giving me has alot to fill out with everything that ive been through, i really hope this does help cuz right.now i cant see a future for myself and thats a scary thought (sorry if none of that makes any sense)

am trying to fill out this worksheet and its so hard dunno what to write rubbish at putting things into words

A similar thing happened to me I was playing on getting my two older dd's an iPad mini this Xmas then my older dd gets one from her school as they gave them to every pupil for free. Was a bit disappointed but she was really happy to get it in September and I got her a new phone got Xmas which she will love.

Planning not playing!

So sorry totally wrong thread.

I'm sorry you are feeling how you are feeling fee.

It's perfectly normal to get attached to someone in the circumstances you have mentioned. After what happened to you, you want someone to value you and see you as more than what you feel you are worth. You want to be seen as someone special and want to get approval by those you are around. As I say understandable and very common. I seek approval from most people myself actually, any negative experiences in the past can leave you like this.

I doubt very much she is made uneasy by you. What has made her uneasy no doubt is that it's a) a criminal offence and b) she probably heard how you described it and how you feel about yourself and this upset her, because she doesn't want you to sell yourself short and knows this leaves you feeling possibly how you do now (suicidal, self harming etc) and doesn't want you to feel that way.

I doubt very much that she'll want to change. She'll have a debrief with her senior and they will put some input in to see if there is anything is OK with her and then she'll go home and like all professionals will be sad, but will truly and keep it to her work environment.

Keep yourself strong you are worth a lot more than you think you are. It's a popular coping mechanism. I've been sexually assaulted a few times and I haven't slept around but I used to flirt with nearly any male and kissed/touched a fair few too and I'm not proud of it, but I just loved being given any form of attention and to feel special/talked about/awed just for a few minutes.

I really want you to understand nothing you have said makes you a bad person nor did what happen to you be your fault, it's the sleazy dirty perverts who should be ashamed of themselves.

ive tried to do the worksheet but gave up its too hard cant put it in words so opened a bottle of wine instead!

i really hope she doesnt change me cuz that will just break me its took me so long to open up to her

it feels like the pain off this is never going to go away