Worry Bucket Thread.

[HowlingTrap]

Its an Idea, it may work it might equally flop.
I have Depression, I had good days, ok days and bad, bad days, I have a diary which helps in a way but finding time is hard at times for some reason a computer seems easier etc, but it doesn't give feedback and sometimes I need it,
So I thought start this , see it if helps me or anyone else, anyone with any issue can type the mind rambles that aren't really coherent anywhere else, or just whinge or announce or talk about progress or lack thereof of it irl, I will be doing that a lot I feel I'm in the process of finally being treated adequately 8 years down the line , I;m waiting for blood tests to rule out thyroids etc which is necessary but urgh!
Did the NHS Depression test got 23/27.

Anyhoo, please let me know if people think this is a good Idea,

[batterylow]

Sorry brief post just popping in to say I won't be about much as am mid house move and won't have the net soon for a week. Sorry to hear you have been down wetwetwet, this thread really is great support though and the mental health board in general. Hope you feel better soon.

I am still up and down. Not sure how I feel about the relationship now but am more able to focus on other stuff since the ads, side effects are almost gone but I do get the odd bout of nausea and also insomnia which is horrible, been taking Kalms for it. Am putting on weight, must take ashamed's advice and get some exercise it really does help my mood too.

I will be back as soon as I can, I am slightly panicked at no Internet but I guess I will be quite busy ! Happy Christmas all!

[ashamedoverthinker]

You are welcome wetwetwetfan it is awful waling around in RL and everyone else is going about their business and if you tell someone they dont always 'get' the place you are in unless theyve been there. So i'm glad you have found a place here on MN.

Im the convinced what I went through has (despite me being abit iffy lately) has made be a better and stronger person. I feel much more rounded for it.

Those a very nice things you have put about me your second post. Thank you very much. I am going to start a journal thing.

Battery you mustnt expect too much of yourself if you are moving house, that is one of the top ten stressful things to do. At least you can concetrate on the practicalities of moving house to keep busy.

Up and down is good - its when it down and down we need to worry! Take your time to figure out what you want - its a hard time of year to be going through all this too. Im glad your meds are helpling.

I think you might just have to go for coffee and cake quite a bit Battery to get the free wifi access at Costa - hope it all goes well.

[wetwetwetfan]

Good luck battery... hope your move goes well. Hope you get more up days now the meds are doing there thing...

Going to see little ones nativity this afternoon... can't wait. :)

[batterylow]

Thank you for the moving wishes, just got Internet! Feeling really sick again on the citalopram, am on week three at the end of it, had been ok but now got anxiety and sickness again argh. How is everyone else doing?

[ashamedoverthinker]

Hi battery - you in and you online, well done. Sorry you feeling sick, wait a bit until the stress of moving has faded and you feel a bit organised. My enironment really affects me. What a lovely fresh start for the new year - have you been shopping for any bargains for your new home - nice thing to keep busy with.

I am ok actually, better than I was up thread. I have noticed it coincided with PMT. I will keep an eye on this. i did a bit of reading about 'inner voice' well i've told it to shut the fuck up a few times. Well it's that easy is it. But I have reached a bit of an understanding about why I've been thinking about things the way I have been.

I need to sort myself out though physically - diet, getting dressed getting out - Not feeling guilty as DH off work and we are having a lazy time together. Its when Im on my own I beat myself up for not 'doing' enough with my day. I am feeling optomistic about taking the opptunity to change a few things, have a better routine.

How are wetwetwetfan whoosh and howling?

[batterylow]

Thanks ashamed, yes it's really lovely having projects and things to choose, a big distraction although I have pmt now and am obsessing over horrible stuff again , I really hope the cbt helps with it, I want this to be a fresh start I don't want to keep thinking over stuff I can't change.

Dh is obsessing over the fling I had too, he doesn't say much but admitted this morning he has been really thinking about it and wakes early morning with anxiety etc, what a pair! The jealousy is so hard to deal with sometimes then other times I feel distanced from it and can focus on the future.

Anyway I am with you on the diet, getting out etc, made myself go for a twenty min walk earlier which did help a lot, must do exercise as I have gained loads of weight not sure if from tablets, pmt or Christmas! Sounds like you are doing well.

Weird thing but I had been taking citalopram that my dh had prescribed but never took , got round to picking up my own prescription and its since them that I have got sick again. Today I took one from the old packet and not sick. Both sets of tablets are 20mg so the same though?! But his were in a packet with the days of the week whereas mine aren't ? Very strange but its not really possible is it that I react to one and not the other as they are both 20mg citalopram?

[ashamedoverthinker]

Its good to hear you taking pleassure from our projects. You may not be able to stop horrible thoughts but YOU CAN control how you respond to them. This is what has clicked for me. Plus i realised some of these negtive thoughts I have a considered within normal range.

I think the jealousy and anxiety are natural reactions for you both.

I need to actually do some exercise though, havnt had school run even which is normally 2x 20 minutes walk per day. Im festering but not feeling too bad as its hols.

Yes weird about tablets - I know it takes at least 4 to 6 weeks as explained to me by a GP when i was offered medication. Maybe its affected by your hormones too? I suppose at some point you will have to weigh up the pro's and con's. When does you r CBT start - this is a good therapy to do. Be prepared though it can be draining to start with - you have to go throgh everything with your practioner. I left my first few counselling sessions in floods but it gets better...just thought I'd sahre that as a heads up.

Oddly not been drinking as much - I think I will have to have a dry January - cant go back to three bottles per week - really grumpy and tired the next day, its not fair on kids.

[batterylow]

Thanks, I start mid jan but only the first one will be face to face then after that on the phone. Really hope it helps, feels like the tablets are wearing off but its probably hormonal too.

Yes I think you are right with the jealousy etc. I am worried that there will never be a way to react well to the feelings if that makes sense because the problem feels insurmountable. But I am not sure if that is partly pmt/depression talking. Just can't believe this has happened but the shock of it is getting less and I guess that's a start. Stupid, stupid man for doing this to our lives.

[batterylow]

I am same with the drink , was drinking loads but finding I was grumpy and more anxious so not worth it. Dry January is a good idea, I think it helps sometimes to set a time frame (ie new year)

[ashamedoverthinker]

It will get less and less batterylow, I promise. What is hard is not knowing what will be left when the shock... and it will happen when all the strong powerful emotions subside. Sorry I feel like I'm dictating but just dont make any big decisions during this time.

When I started 'dating' my DH again when we were attempting reconcilition he was slow and measured. We went on a date to the cinema and he never even held my hand walking there. I was utterly gutted. I remember having a panicky insecure attack in cinema. I never let on to him, as I was braving it out and determined to get control of myself back (like I said up there I did and said some awful things). I sat there and told myself yes he was with her, but NOW he is with me and that this right now is what matters - i think I had to force myself to live in the 'moment' and just respond to what is actually happening.

I dont know if that makes any sense but that is what helped me at the time.

[batterylow]

Thanks yes I do he what you mean with the shock. I chose dh because he was solid and reliable, he chose to take that as me picking him as the boring but safe option which wasn't what I meant at all. But it's getting my head around the fact that he wasn't so reliable after all! But he did behave in character as he confessed all pretty fast. He is getting back to normal a little but has been pretty ill with anxiety etc since which hasn't helped me as I need him to be the strong one. If that makes sense. But when he is strong I hate him for it too! Can't win!

I won't make any decisions yet, I still hope one day I can stay with this and not feel horrible as I really think its the best chance of happiness now for us all but I won't if I can't get past it as it wouldn't be fair on me or him or children. I think your separation period must have helped , dating etc sounds great, I know what you mean with the panic, when dh has tried to back off and give me space I have been the same.

It's so good to hear others stories it can be lonely as my friends don't know.

[wetwetwetfan]

Hi all,
Glad you have settled into your new home battery... wouldn't want to move house at any time let alone Christmas..

Ashamed, i also panic if I feel dh withdrawing even slightly, he can't turn his back on me in bed without me thinking the worst. Although Its probably more to do with the fact that we spent months and months sleeping like that when I was at my worst. I am getting better though and have managed to refrain from checking his phone. He is doing his bit as well though. He deleted some mutual friends off Facebook because they mentioned her name on a status update...I think he wants as much distance between her and us as possible.

Ok... the alcohol thing. I have never drunk as much in my life as I do now. Every night I have at least two glasses of wine.
I have convinced myself that it is helping me sleep. I am also planning a dry January... and a bit more exercise. I have found myself really enjoying taking the dogs for a walk, especially when I go by myself. A bit of quiet time.

I am having up and down days still but nothing as bad as week when I couldn't stop crying. Still in turmoil about what to tell my mum. She phoned over Christmas and I managed to have an upbeat conversation about what a great time the kids have had. Not really a lie..I just didn't say anything about how I was feeling. She hasn't a clue. What's particularly hard is the stuff from my childhood which has caused me so much angst that I don't want her to be burdened with. It doesn't seem fair.

Battery... is there anyone in rl that you could talk to? I have a couple of trusted friends who know everything and it has been such a relief to be able to offload to someone who knows us both and our history.

[batterylow]

Hi wetwetwet , yes glad it is done, it was a much needed move but never again hopefully!!

Glad you are doing a bit better too. I feel like my tablets are helping but still very up and down too, I think its to be expected and will improve fingers crossed soon.

I have told one good friend but no one else (other than the two men I was involved with afterwards) . It had been really hard no one knowing anything while my life was (is?) in chaos but I felt that it would backfire if family etc knew as they would be angry on my behalf and it may make it harder if me and dh managed to sort it out. Would also hate everyone to know about my behaviour afterwards, dating sites etc, not friends so much but family would be worried. It's hard for you with your mum, I know for example my mum would make me feel worse not deliberately but by panicking on my behalf etc and we don't have that kind of relationship but I know some of my friends are so close to their mums they would get loads of comfort from telling them.

[wetwetwetfan]

It's hard to know what to do for the best. My rl friend said would you want to know if it was your dd who had this massive issue but I think that is a bit different. I speak to my girls almost everyday....I can go weeks, even months without speaking to my mum, not out of malice just that's the way it has always been. I love her dearly but I have always been busy with my own life and live far away so the closeness isn't there. My sisters however phone her constantly sharing all their problems so I am seen as the strong sensible one.

And then it is which bits do I tell her.. she knew we were having problems, but to admit to depression, antidepressants, the affair, the abuse as a child, the counselling, the low self esteem and issues from the way she and my dad acted when they divorced... so much stuff that I could say but don't know where to start.

[batterylow]

That's really hard. And I imagine hard to tell some bits without everything. I have told a few friends we were having some problems and it has been ok because there are so many things in our lives that people view it as understandable if that makes sense but I know only a very few would understand about depression and the affair stuff I have chosen to keep quiet for now anyway.

[batterylow]

Wanted to say also try not to worry about what your mum would think if she knew you didn't say, I get what you mean and have felt distanced from my friends due to not telling them this big thing but really (especially in your case) its with the best intentions. And you can decide to say later down the line , so it is up to you what and how much to say, hope that makes sense. It's enough to worry about without feeling bad too!

[wetwetwetfan]

Thanks battery. I have good friends who I can offload to and my journal which is turning into therapy for me. I will wait until I see her face to face and then decide what to tell her. It's difficult to have 'big' conversations over the phone. Decided to stop worrying about it until then so I can put it aside for now.

I am packing now as we are going away for the new year.... a short break with the dc. Although when you go away with kids it is never actually anything like a holiday!!

[batterylow]

Ooh lovely! Hope you have as restful a time as possible!

A question for when you have time/are back if you don't mind? Just wondering if your friends are different with your dh now? Do they see the depression etc as his fault? My one friend who knows has been very angry to begin but able to be ok with dh again for my sake at least which I knew would be the case. Others would be less understanding I feel.

[wetwetwetfan]

T'was a lovely new years eve away from pretty much the whole world.. played board games with the kids, watch TV , set off a couple of fireworks at midnight. Nicest time in ages.

New year, new start, I am determined not to live in the past and to live in the now. I had a word with myself as soon as I started to even think about how bad 2013 has been and looked at where I am now. What I have now. Ashamed has given some great advice on this thread and I'm trying to take notice of it. The meds must be making a difference now, I have far more ups than downs. And I feel like I have some control when I have the downs.

Your question. One friend has been exactly the same with him. No animosity at all. The other hasn't actually seen him since it all happened but I know that she too will be as normal with him. They certainly don't blame anyone for the depression, one had PND a few years ago so knows quite well that it is an illness rather than a reaction to people.

To be honest it's never been the friends I worried about knowing but the family. I am not sure what their reaction would be although the more time that passes the less I feel the need for people to know. It would serve no purpose, well not to us anyway. It won't help us heal. I have friends who I trust if I need to talk about it, I have MN to get stuff off my chest, I talked to counsellor about it all as well and my journal is great for getting it out when I can't bring myself to say the words out loud.

Hope you are doing ok....

[batterylow]

Sorry howlingtrap with the move etc I totally missed the self esteem question. I think I used the men to bolster my self esteem because they were seeing me in a different way to how dh may (in my head at least) see me. So perhaps more like my pre children self and I was a lot more confident back then. Or something. In fact maybe the pre children thing isn't even true because before them I was more likely to get into inappropriate relationships or have a fling when I felt low about myself.

Wetwetwet I am glad you had a good break, that sounds so lovely! I forget the time frame with your and your dhs issues? But its really good to hear things are going ok for you. I may have turned a corner too fingers crossed (scared of speaking too soon as have had ups and downs before) and feel a bit better about things, more like I can put last year behind me at some point. Not cured obviously but I feel like you, more able to deal with the negative stuff mostly. New house, new year, new start I hope. Glad your friends are ok with your dh and that makes a lot of sense , I feel the same with telling people now that there would be no point for me. It would prevent things moving on if anything but I think if ever a friend has a similar situation I may tell them.

[wetwetwetfan]

Oh good battery, lets hope you really have turned a corner. Had a full four weeks of meds now and feel so much more in control of myself. Still have down days and moments of feeling overwhelmed but on the whole I do feel better.

Only been a few months since our problems, started at the end of September. So I think that we are doing really well considering that it could have been the end of our marriage. I am still having issues with dh having contact with females. It has never bothered me before... because I felt completely secure in our marriage. He has lots of female colleagues and friends from college and university. But now I hate him looking at pictures of them on Facebook, receiving invites for nights out, or even just having conversations with them which is totally ridiculous. I wonder how much of it is about what happened and how much is my own low self esteem comparing myself to others. They are all young, pretty, interesting, intelligent, funny, have a whole office banter thing going on with dh, and it totally fucks with my head. It probably doesn't help that I know that he jokingly flirts with most of them. He always does, flirts with everyone. I hate this jealous feeling and I know that he hasn't done anything wrong but it puts me in a bad mood when I see him looking at Facebook or whatever. That's not good is it?

I am hoping to get back to work myself soon so perhaps I will feel better once I am out of the house and talking to different people myself. And I will be going swimming\ sauna at least twice this week. When kids are back at school\ nursery I am going to spend some time on me.

[ashamedoverthinker]

Hello wetwetwetfan and batterylow you two sound as if you are moving forward as just catching up and reading your posts they seem more positive generally.

I relied immensly on friends at my time but is so happend I had one friend who had been through it and rung me everyday to see if I was ok. I had another two going through it - some coffees were lets say quite 'dramatic'. I still see them and I shall never ever forget. I realised that some people can be quite judgey about marriage stuff if they havnt been through it, as if its catching or something (sorry I cant explain that any better)



wetwetwet - i would find that all upsetting and I would get jealous - I would have before our bother tbh. Now having been through it I think he of he wants to do 'whatever' he can. I am powerless to stop him. I either have faith in him or live paranoid. If I'm having a moment I tell myself he could never hurt me that much again - and i would at least I would know what to do.

Had two weeks of utter laziness - I feel like my wine belt has turned into a life buoy! So need to try and get myself going again. I dont feel particularly down but fatigued. I have been posting on a couple of threads about not buying clothes, budgeting and weight loss. Really these are all abut control I suppose I just need to get myself back on track. I'm dreading the school run - this can cause me anxiety.

[wetwetwetfan]

I think laziness should be compulsory at Christmas and New year! I like to think of it as a chance to recharge the batteries. I overindulged with the alcohol but not too bad with the sweets and cakes. Can't stand the gym (or the posers who stand in front of the mirror admiring themselves) so prefer a swim. Decided to set myself the challenge of doing more laps each time i go. Stopped alcohol for a couple of months too (well maybe a couple of drinks for my birthday later in the month). I agree it must have a lot to do with control.

I know what you mean about fatigue... i have not got out of bed before 9am once in the last month. I'm usually up at 6 on a 'normal' working day. And i keep getting the urge to have a nap in the afternoon... the Spanish have it right don't they. Hope that getting back into proper routine next week will sort me out.

[ashamedoverthinker]

Yes - there is a lot to be said for routine

[batterylow]

I love afternoon naps, I am looking forward to next Friday as my oldest will be at school but I will be home so should be able to nap with the youngest.

I am more insecure now but less about the things that would have bothered me before, exes! I think i
Self esteem building will help with all of that and also its very early days for you still too so I am sure that will get better. For me, I never ever believed dh would do it either so the shock has really affected me, I feel anything (bad) could happen because it did before. But I have had similar experiences in the past so I know it does fade. And knowing that he or I could do whatever we want really its about not wanting to. Sounds like you are doing very well though, week four for me too and they say four to six weeks before they kick in dont they (the tablets) so we could be even better over the next couple of weeks. I have switched to taking mine in the afternoons which helps with the tiredness but still feeling lazy! And I have a wine belt too ashamed, or more of a chocolate one if I am honest!!