Worry Bucket Thread.

[HowlingTrap]

Its an Idea, it may work it might equally flop.
I have Depression, I had good days, ok days and bad, bad days, I have a diary which helps in a way but finding time is hard at times for some reason a computer seems easier etc, but it doesn't give feedback and sometimes I need it,
So I thought start this , see it if helps me or anyone else, anyone with any issue can type the mind rambles that aren't really coherent anywhere else, or just whinge or announce or talk about progress or lack thereof of it irl, I will be doing that a lot I feel I'm in the process of finally being treated adequately 8 years down the line , I;m waiting for blood tests to rule out thyroids etc which is necessary but urgh!
Did the NHS Depression test got 23/27.

Anyhoo, please let me know if people think this is a good Idea,

Had a lovely walk thanks batterylow...have had some quite intense conversations with dh over the last week, usually ending with one or both of us crying. Was nice to just walk quietly without stressing.

I am becoming calmer and more 'rational' . Sort of able to think about things without being overwhelmed by it all or instantly thinking of the worst scenario. It does creep in but I can stop it consuming me...if you know what I mean. I assume it's the meds starting to work.

My ds told me I was the best mummy in the world this morning and asked if we could cuddle all day. I want to eat him he's so gorgeous. Today is going to be a good day. I am going for a swim later when have dropped him at nursery.

I hope today is good for you too.. if you are feeling an improvement, no matter how small, then that's good. Small steps....

Sounds like you are doing really well. I am ok too, beginning to be able to see a way forward one day so tiny steps, still have the moments of doom forever but its not all the time and getting less. The children are worth getting better for.

I had insomnia last night but think it would have happened anyway with the move etc happening. Hope for a better nights sleep tonight.

Hello wetwetwetfan (again) I posted up thread about my current issues which is basically mild anxiety and low self esteem.

What happened to me:

I found he had an EA online via FB
We argued very badly for a week
He left (DS at the time was 3.5)
I was devastated, on the floor in pieces.
We started divorce proceedings - he started a relationship (not EA one) and I started to adjust to being a LP and got my head together.
We started to talk calmer
We got back together slowly. The whole thing took a year to resolve but longer to fully heal - but I still have scars.

Now I know there are many on relationship boards who would say a lot lay at his door. But I had to take a good look at myself, my behaviour. I sorted myself out in that I forgave myself, then him - this brought me an immense sense of calm. (It took me months to get there). I was always committed to the marriage but didnt always respect it or him. When he realised I had calmed down he started to talk.

One factor in my behaviour leading up to him leaving was being desperately unhappy on a number of levels. I realised it was not his responsibility to make me happy and that was under my control. I gained alot of strenght from that period in my life - now I feel downtrodden, I bumble along. One thing that helped me immensly was exercise - after talking to DH at the weekend it is agreed I MUST go to to the gym even if it is late at night.

Im trying so hard to be positive and get on with things to even try and enjoy life I have everything I need to. It is down to me (SAHP) but I know I have his support.

When you have a wave of panic (this used to help me) - ask yourself is it actually happening NO! so I do not need to think about it now.

Whenever anything came in to my head about the other women he dated (I had seen pics and knew quite a bit about her) I told myself she might have had him then but he was on loan.

I did do a bit of old fashioned make over type stuff and always made myself the 'better option'.

I suffer from depression and anxiety. I am really ashamed of it. Have been put on meds by dr but wish I could be given more of an actual diagnosis, that sucks . I know most people would say go back to the dr etc but dr constantly changed (live in London) and its humiliating going and starting from the beginning over again

I know Bouncy after heart to heart with DH on Sat nigth he wants me to go to GP but I dont want to go through it all. It can be quite distressing and I feel utterly drained afterwards.

Maybe wait and see if the meds start to pick you up. I have never took meds so dont know too much but do kow some people report positive changes in how they feel.

I must say a lot of what I know about it all I have read up on it myself. But I think you have to pick the right time to do this.

Try doing some self help stuff, basics about getting up, dressed and going out everyday. keep it simple until you feel up to bigger things.

Hi ashamed and bouncy! Ashamedoverthinker, I am having similar relationship stuff to wetwetwet and its really helpful to hear your story. I know my behaviour and attitude towards my marriage was pretty poor in the run up to dh cheating, its no excuse but I have accepted that there were real reasons for him to feel rejected, I am not saying that makes what he did acceptable but I know what you mean about self forgiveness , I hope I get there too. I am really up and down with obsessing over it, its a horrible thing to have hanging over me so I am glad to hear from someone further down the line.

Hi hope all is well with everyone,
I'm at a low ebb today 2 poorly kids , and low mood www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1940965-I-feel-like-my-in-laws-hate-me-what-to-do? just posted this thread,
I'm feeling quite troubled by it today, makes me feel like I'm a shit mum for having had GC into this family has done them a disservice. :{

Thanks for sharing ashamed. Must have been a hard time for you both to have started divorce proceedings.

I imagine that it was a lot of soul searching that led you to get back together. I am sure that half the battle is finding out what caused the problems in the first place. For me this depression has been like a silent curse. Coupled with low self esteem and childhood issues which cause me to find it so hard to deal with conflict of any sort. Even 'normal' arguing.

Something that has helped me a little is the knowledge that 'she' could have been anyone. It wasn't about her as a person, it was more about the affection\ attention that he needed that he wasn't getting from me. She just happened to be there. He knew her from a work related thing, they had a 'connection' ie she told him she'd always fancied him. They started texting and chatting. Started to get flirty then intimate. He says he knew at that point that something was really wrong with our marriage for that to even be happening so he told me he needed to move out to see what we really wanted. I stupidly let him go...in hindsight I should have put up more of a fight but I don't argue well and emotions of my mum leaving when I was a child kind of clouded what was happening. He met with her for a drink and they had sex after he had moved out. A week later we had a huge row.. I just let everything out and we both realised that we wanted to make our marriage work. The next day I overheard part of a conversation and knew that he wasn't telling me everything.. he then confessed about this ow.

I don't like to sound like I am making excuses for him but I know that when he was texting becoming close to this ow he was also trying to talk to me about what was wrong with us and I just shut off from him emotionally. I made him think that I didn't really care. Especially when he said that he should move out and i didn't ask him not to. I think that if it was the other way round he would have begged me not to go.

Everything since then is a little bit of a blur. But we are getting there.. I know it will take a long time to move on from it and I imagine that trusting him is going to take some time to heal. I keep finding myself checking his phone and Facebook.
That's the hard bit for me... every time his phone pings with a message my stomach wrenches. He even put it on silent to help me but I still panic when I see it.

(For the record I hate Facebook.... it sucks the life out of people, spending hours looking at pics of other people's 'perfect' lives. Reconnecting with people you went to school with 20 years ago or worse ex-partners. Those people are not your friends! Giving the opportunity to have conversations with people that just would not ever happen in real life. Would you say to your work colleagues 'hey fancy a game of monopoly later?' Sorry just had to get that out!)

I wish I could afford a holiday somewhere hot and sunny.

Sorry just realised that I am writing my life history here. Thanks for reading it guys x

Howling trap.. bad day? In laws are a law unto themselves aren't they. I am sure that your love more than makes up for any attention they are missing from their grandparents. And it is the grandparents who are missing out on the love and affection from your great kids... great, more for you then. Xx feel better soonxx

Wetwetwet your story or at least run up to it is so similar to mine.

Our relate counsellor said the ow/om is just a tool to make someone feel better often. I still hate dh for betraying me, I would never have done it but can sort of see what led to the feelings that led to the feelings if that makes sense!

My affair/s have complicated things in that now we are both paranoid and anxious and they distracted us both from whose fault it actually was for a while but I see it as no bad thing in the end, it was a distraction from difficult times just as his was I guess. Now its all over its harder as its left me exposed to the hurt of what he did but I think its getting better. Agree on facebook, keep meaning to come off it but can't quite do it!

Howling trap, just looked at your thread, that sounds stressful. I don't think you need to feel guilty though, it doesn't sound as if there is anything you could have differently ? I am a massive hypocrite saying that as I feel bad about the most unreasonable things that I couldn't change, maybe it is part of the low mood etc generally. Anyway, no reason to feel a bad mum over it, its their shortcoming not yours.

wetwetwetfan you are welcome. You know I used to be smug about my DH and my marriage. I never am now. I find people in RL do not know unless they have been there. I even had one person say they thought I was 'soft' for forgiving him. Someone else said they couldnt sleep with their DH again if they knew he'd been with another women.

I did at times seek reassurance from him as it makes you insecure paranoid etc. Spending time creating new memories together doing NEW stuff helped us - but like I said it took a year.

Re checking thing - I did this for ages and ages at least 18 months> when panicking I told myself he does not need FB or any other device to cheat, he can do it and I cant stop him. The realisation that I could not stop him made me accept I needed to trust myself to trust again..knowing I could get through it if it did happen helps. He will never hurt me as much again.

Every time you go down it is not as much and you come up quicker.
You will have bad days for a while - they will pass.

I cant recommend exerise enough. If you really edgey plan to do stuff with people, get on the phone, go out, go visiting.

Some of the things I admitted to DH:

I was jealous of his job
I resented the time it took up
I should have had the balls to insist on changing jobs (I hated mine)
I was controlling and unreasonable
I was needy and I didnt need to be I had mu own time/friends/money

I musthave been terrible to live with - my moods.

I slept with mine the night that I found out! It's called hysterical bonding apparently....

He is being very reassuring. Tells me how sorry he is. Swears he will never hurt me again. Tells me where he is, gives me his phone to use ( knowing that I will read through messages) he even told me when he bumped into her at a work thing and they had a brief conversation. He wanted to be completely honest about it. We are getting on with normal life but with lots of hugs and kisses thrown in at random moments. He assures me that he doesn't care about her at all...he only loves me and it was love and affection from me that he was craving.

He does tell me that he is very worried that I will go out and have an affair myself now. He doesn't think he could cope with it. :\

I guess we both need reassurance that we will be ok.

Battery low... just out of curiosity did you have an affair just for revenge or to make you feel better? Had you sought it out or was it just there?

I sought it out, I joined a dating site and went on my first date a week to the day that dh told me about his! I then had another date with the same man, it was all very friendly and I enjoyed it, I suppose initially it may have been a sort of revenge but really it was more a distraction from thinking about what was going on at home. I then got chatting to another man through the same site and spent a couple of months e mailing him , eventually met a couple of times and very brief fling. Both were actually confidence boosting I suppose and it was hard to stop if I am honest as I got a bit addicted to the dating sites! I got a lot of emotional support from the second person who was in a similar situation and at the time couldn't get that support from my husband as it was him who caused the problem.

I think I have made that all sound more positive than it was. I stand by the fact it helped me but I am aware that I must have low self esteem if I need men to be attracted to me to feel worthwhile. Which it seems I must do! Cbt will help with self esteem though I hope.

Thats another thing I struggle to get my head round lol, I have horrificly low self esteem I never spoke to boys in school, cuz I was ugly and ashamed, It took mne nearly 2 years to meet my now husband as I though he would see me and run away etc, And as a woman in her 20's I have just started to actually give eye contact and look people in the eye when I speak with confidence, To me that's low self esteem,

Don't you, by default have to quite confident to seek out sex online? intent to meet, thinking someone will take the offer etc ?

I can understand how it can be addictive to some people.

Again sorry if that's an odd comment, I suppose LSE can manifest itself in different ways.

Interesting thought howling...

I think that my low self esteem is very internal. I have been able to project an image of confidence my whole life but internally I don't really believe what I am saying\showing. I put myself last because I don't think I'm worth it..

Just as an example a few years ago I completed my degree. 4 years of hard work and sweat raising kids and going to university but I didn't go to my graduation ceremony. I missed out on the one thing that I had worked so hard for. The celebration and acknowledgement that I had done something really special. I didn't really believe that I deserved it.

Only had this realisation recently in counselling and I cried my eyes out when I thought of how hard I am on myself. I didn't know I had low self esteem....I just didn't (still don't actually) give myself the praise that I deserve.

Wetwetwetfan Howling & Battery

I think you've read my backstory re marriage durign that time I felt incredibly hurt stressed etc. but I was strong, confident got on with it - depite being a crumpled mess at points. I pushed myself quite hard at the gym, I took my DS on two holidays on my own. I mad decision re house. I didnt sweat the day to day stuff as I had a car crash of a marriage to sort out.

I guess how I feel now esentially stems from low self esteem which leaves me indecisive, low mood, over thinking, worrying about the over thinking - I am very hard on myself especially as a mother and I think I'm useless at looking after myself.

I have decided that LSE is the thing I need to work on. I think you are right Howling it comes out in different ways so we all need to work on it our different ways. I dont have any bother speaking to people but worry like hell going over it all afterwards. I not shy in comming forward so to speak. I seem to lack the ability to make very basic decision about how I run the house for example Im either extremely clinically clean and titdy or messy and dusty.

I have used self help strategies to over come depression in the past and intent to do this for LSE. I keep reading bits but Im at the point since changing NN and posting on MH boards Im ready to tackle it.

Have just stumbled across this thread and thought here is as good a place as any to get some thoughts and feelings down.

I'm not sure I've been mentally well for a very long time, but I think it's become my norm if that makes sense?
As a teenager i struggled to cope with a string of bereavements and shortly after I think I had a breakdown. My relationship with my parents wasn't good, my mother just ignored the obvious signs tha I was breaking down and it went untreated. I can remember spending most of every day laying on the floor in my room racked with sobs. I can also vaguely remember being picked up by the police, wandering down the middle of a busy A road. I told the police I was looking for my Nana, she had died 3 months previously.

Shortly after this I fell pregnant, was living with DP, cracked again and fled into a refuge, reported him for all sorts of things which at the time I believed to be real. I now know that they were in my head.

At the moment (4 years on from that first breakdown) I still don't think I'm ok. Anxiety, a constant underlying low feeling, and over the past week I'm back to suddenly finding myself in a heap on the floor sobbing and barely able to breathe. It feels like a physical lump of melancholy right there in my chest. It always passes, I feel better, can laugh again etc. but it soon comes back.

I'm not leaving the house very often. And I've had several weird episodes where I've been stuck in a weird place where it's like I'm having a nightmare but I'm awake? I was in the car the other week and I couldn't focus on the roads we were driving down, the kids in the back, DP etc. all I could see was this dreamlike thing of getting a phone call to say that my mother had collapsed, running into the hospital all slow motion like and her lying there, dead. It was on a loop and I couldn't breathe or speak or cry. So so vivid. Does anyone know what this is?

I haven't been to the doctors. I know I probably should but tbh I'm used to this, it feels familiar. I also have highs, and I worry that any meds would "even me out" too much and I'd lose those highs. I have strategies I use to cope with everything and I can cope with it. I know something isn't right though, I'm just not sure it's "just depression", which scares me.

I'm sorry if I shouldn't have posted this here. Feels better to get it out though, not the kind of thing I can admit to anyone else.

Whoosh, you sound like you've had a rough time

I hope you find it useful in here, When I do a rant I imagine dropping my worries in a large deep bucket , thats how I came up with the name.

I've had blood tests to rule out thyroid and nothing came and its like .....now what?

no follow up pfft no wonder so many people go untreated.

You are totally welcome here :)

Hello whoosh

You have had so much to deal with at an early point in your adulthood when your personality and identity is still emerging. That is a lot for anyone at any age. It sounds as though you had so much to cope you struggle to know what it is to be you...(I hope it's ok to be commenting this as I'm not a doctor or anything)

I think some of the symptons you describe are at times at least moderate anxiety and depression. I am NOT medically trained just someone who has read a bit. You have three options and you can do any number of them or all of them:

1. Keep posting on here - share, you've made a great start

1. Educate yourself on self help strategies, there is alot you can do yourself, and more with support of those around you.

1. Tell your GP or print off your post and show your GP

You dont have to live with such lows and that feeling of surealness. Ive never took meds, but I do know if you tried them and werent happy you can stop taking them but you have to give them a chance to work it can take a few weeks.

How is everyone doing?

I've had a couple of rough days... barely functioning at all. Now I feel a bit better but the sense of calm that I had at the weekend seems to have gone :(

Been two weeks on the meds now, insomnia is still a bit of a problem, I am also having pretty horrid dreams when I do sleep. My teeth hurt from the grinding. I have had a near constant headaches since starting them.. moods have been varied. Appetite has dwindled to zilch... to think I was worried about putting on weight and now I am starving myself.

Trying to keep a positive thought pattern and look forward instead of back but it's hard. These past few months have been the worst of my entire life and I am finding it difficult to think of it as the past. Letting go of it is hard. I think I am now allowing myself too much time to think about it. I am going to get out of the house today! Kids break up from school tomorrow so they will probably help distract me...I resort back to actress mode much more easily when they are around me. When I'm alone it's like I don't have the strength to keep it together...i'm using them to prop me up. Is that good or bad??

Now I am rambling...

Dh read my journal and could really see the way I am so negative about myself. He asked me to fill two pages with all of the things I am good at and things that I like about myself. It's like saying 'write me a 10,000 word essay on a subject where you were given the wrong notes in your lectures...'

I might try and get one thing down on paper... small steps.

I hope you are all in your good places...x

Hello wetwetwetfan

Ive been ok and im feeling im getting back somewhere reasonable. So I hope I can help you a little:

1. It takes at least four weeks for meds - so be patient, and even then you may need dose upping or downing

1. It will pass keep telling yourself 'this will pass' some days we do have to just function - and thats ok you need time to heal

1. Take some multi vitamins - get some cupps soups to sip. I can remember not being able to eat (very odd for me!)

1. NOW this is just IMO based on something I read recently - If you have negative thought patterns it is better to acknowledge them rather try to ignore, it is how you respond to the negative thoughts is key. If it has become a habit then yes you do need to distract yourself.

1. Yes go out of the house you cant access all the online crap inc FB emails whstever that can cause your head to spin more.

1. Being together for your kids shows how much you love them and what a good mother you are - and yes I do think you gain strength from them.

Things for your journal (I should really do this for my SE too)

1. Raising two kids
2. Your degree
3. Taking responsibility for yourself - you've reached out on here and in RL

I think you are on the right path

Ashamed... thank you..(thanks)

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the help and advice you have given me.

Today has been better... I have been out and I although I did start to panic and cry at one point today, I was able to figure out what had triggered it and gave myself some TLC til I calmed down..

Dh has bought me some delicious (healthy) treats for me to pick at while my appetite is poor. Olives and smoked salmon amongst them .. my favourites. He also gave me my Christmas present early... so much thought went into it I cried happy tears.

I had never been on this site ( or any like it) until last week and now I feel like I have people who understand. It's a good feeling. X

P.s. ashamed.. some for your own journal

A kind hearted person who supports others in need.

A wise and knowledgeable person. You have clearly done some reading...

A forgiving person... that is something that doesn't come easily to everyone.

Well done you x