Family issues pushing me further and further into depressive state

[howdiditgetthisbad]

Salient facts. If you recognise me read on you might learn something.

My beloved and adored father died suddenly when I was 17, my mother was physically and emotionally abusive my entire life and I left home at 18 and have never been back to stay. Most of my family knew that my mother was an angry irrational bully but I am not sure if they realised just how bad it was. My mother also chose my sister over me in every argument or situation where a choice had to be made.

I went NC with my sister over 18months ago, I went NC with my mother earlier this year when she ranted and screamed down the phone at me about the way I had treated my sister (who has bullied, manipulated and scrounged from me for decades, her condescending attitude had me in tears over and over again). When I had that phone call with my mother I was pregnant with a much wanted rainbow baby, terrified of the birth (my first child suffered brain damage in labour) and stressed to the max with a work contract working FT. Since then there have been demands made to allow 'contact' with my DC while I popped to the shops, that grandparents and aunties had 'rights' and I found support on MN to refuse these outrageous demands.

The belief in myself to do all this came from receiving counselling since my older DC was 6 months old, it started out as support to deal with a horrendous labour and the awful repercussions, and then it became evident I was suffering long term PTSD as well as depression and self esteem issues caused by my family dynamic,

Since I ditched them I have had more confidence, my marriage has gone from strength to strength, I have two beautiful wonderful amazing children and I can honestly say I have had moments of pure happiness.

Depression however is fickle, I know that my children and husband are my 'protective factors' I think the therapist called them, after my second baby was born I had a relapse and I am unable to feel emotions - I am numb even when happy, its as if I am in a vacuum some days and I know at times I detach from my children (although they are always cared for). I have access to mental health team and I am currently doing art therapy. My husband is fully supportive of everything which I do to improve my mental health.

This is the crunch bit. On Wednesday this week members of my family (not my mother or sister) staged what can only be called an intervention. If I do not take steps (fast) to allow my mother and sister into my life and my children's lives by Christmas I will be cut off from my entire family. I have explained to them why I have done what I've done but despite professing to listen they do not wish to shatter their illusion of our happy family and had a quick answer of excuse for everything I was saying. My children were with me at this surprise session and I do not cry or show any emotion in front of them if I can help it so I was seen as being less upset as my mother and sister had cried when telling their version of events.

Since then I've pretty much gone back into a depressive state. I've sobbed my way through today with DH luckily at home to help with the children. I feel heavy and dull, and my brighter feelings have gone. Even the baby has wiped away tears of mine today.

Thats it - I either let two people who have hurt me over and over again into our lives or I kiss goodbye to all of my family - aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews. Even a cousin who has listened to me for months and months and been so very kind - no invite to her wedding, no Christmas cards or gifts for my children to their own cousins.

All because I chose to say stop and to be asked to be treated with respect. I want to curl up under a rock somewhere or run away.

What's a rainbow baby?

Rainbow baby is the sunshine after a storm, often a stillbirth or miscarriage but have also seen it used when a baby has been left disabled from birth injuries - hope I haven't inadvertently offended by misuse.

I wonder if I should have posted in MH - should I move this~?

That's such an outrageously unfair demand for the extended family to make that you know you have to say no. You have your children, your lovely sounding DH - that's your family. I'm so sorry - this must be horrendous for you. But self-preservation is key here.

I keep thinking I could try and make them understand but I can't can I?

They are not going to change, not going to believe me, not going to see how far I've come. I don't like my sister - the thought of her being in contact with my DC and building a relationship with them makes me feel ill - makes me panic actually - blind panic

Oh sweetheart what a horrible way to have the rug pulled from under you when things were going well. Sorry to say it but it sounds like your only option is to cut off the entire family. Nobody has the right to insist you have a relationship with your mother and sister and the fact that they've demanded this from you shows they do not have your best interests at heart.

It's shit but there it is. You have your own wonderful family and you can have the happiness you deserve with them. It will take time but you can come back from this.

I feel your pain, if it was me I would refuse the ultimatum and move on without them with your lovely little family. It's unfair of your extended family to ask this and a terrible way to work out a reconciliation!

Keep your chin up be strong, none of this stress you are accepting from them is healthy choose happiness...

I feel for you. Focus on what you do have, what is important - you and your family. I would do to things - firstly state clearly and briefly that you do not want contact because past experiences make it too damaging for you. But that you would really like to continue contact with other extended family members. Secondly if anyone agrees to continue contact then leave them totally out of any family stuff or thoughts and fine friends outside of the family to confide in. You could even attempt a message to your mum and sis saying lets have no hard feelings but continue no contact as the relationships don't really work, though the last point is probably naivety on my part and would never really work. Good luck!

Two not to!

"Friends and lovers are God's apology for relatives".

OP: this is NOT your fault. If your family have been so deluded by these narcs as to demand you return to being a victim, they are to be pitied but not pandered to.

Write them all a letter that you do not wish for contact with your M and S, that you will not discuss the reasons, and that given your health any futher attempts to "intervene" will be treated as harassment. Have a look at the CPS Stalking and Harasment Guidelines, paying particular attention to Sections 2 and 4a.

I'm serious: the law treats causing or exacerbating mental illness as causing bodily harm. An injunction costs £150 and you can DIY through the County Court in about 6 weeks.

And if they fly up in arms squawking, fuck 'em. Two years ago I dumped a "friend" who had caused me no end of grief: I was off Seroxat in a month.

Good luck and peace.

Op, I am going through a similar thing with my family. Different details, but essentially having to go NC in the face of other family members who don't understand.

It's hard, very hard. But the fact that you are so much happier in your little family unit without contact with your mum and sister is all the proof you need that they're simply bad for you.

When I reduced contact with my mum (it's very, very early days), I literally felt a crushing weight lift and that I was free to be myself again. It literally was that instant. I feel guilty, but that doesn't mean I've done the wrong thing (that's just the negative interactions in my life, probably with her, that have shaped me to a certain extent and instilled a sense of guilt and obliagation into me). You owe them nothing.

It will be hard and wrenching possibly to loose contact with other family members, but what's the alternative? you surely can't go back? And if they are decent, kind, intelligent people then they won't drop you.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. My toxic family also wreck my MH if allowed.

You have done brilliantly to identify what's going on and take action by getting them out of your lives. Don't let other people undermine that. It's hard to get others to see the complicated dynamics. They may never understand but the important thing is you do.

Your MH is the top priority, not other people's needs. You deserve to be happy and haven't done anything wrong. Your also a mum and need to be happy for your DC's or you risk perpetuating the rubbish cycle.

I know how hard it is but it sounds like you have your own lovely little family and a supportive DH. You are doing really well

Families often have very ingrained ways of doing things,often very unhealthy. You doing it differently makes everyone uncomfortable and they want it to return to the way it has always been. You quietly and respectfully state your case and leave it they are all adults and can make their own decisions. I have NC with my brother, aggressive alcoholic,the rest of my family do. My choice,their choice, its hard. I recognise the switching of depression , I have it too. Sending you positive thoughts

I have no experience of this, but it seems to me extraordinarily unlikely that an entire extended family would shun one person because of a dispute (which is what it would look like to someone who didn't understand the narc dynamic) between people in one 'branch'. The ringleaders might try to enforce it, but I don't think they'll be able to keep all those people in line! So the threat might be a slightly empty one anyway... Whilst I'm all for being kind to our fellow men, I've learnt that doing something you really don't want to do (or making yourself ill!) for other peoples benefit is never justified or the right thing to do. Stick to your NC, OP, live your happy narc-free life, take any opportunities offered by extended family members to hear your point of view (as opposed to browbeat you) and see what happens. It might be good to have a few 'stock responses' ready for when extended family who might try and build bridges with you (not mum and sis or the people who approached you this time & didn't listen of course).

What a horrible situation for you to be in! For your own self preservation and to prevent your own children from the same influences that have so negatively effected your mental health, I think it is imperative that you walk away from the whole sorry lot. How they can out you in this position when you have told them why you went NC baffles me. They certainly don't have your best interests at heart. Do you have any good friends who you can call 'auntie' to your kids?

How old are your two dc now, will they miss these extra family members in their lives? Nt that this would influence the outcome in I was faced with the choice, but it may make it easier for you if they just won't remember anyone.

Fwiw, my fathers family is utterly like this, everyone always threatening and playing head duck games....I saw my cousins loads when very you and then nothing much as I got older, I can't say I missed them at all! Your two have each other. Don't let these bastards manipulate you.

Lol, of case meant head fuck, not duck. :)

I understand this so well. I have SN and used to watch my alcoholic father hit my mother. One sister was anorexic and the other has mental problems. My mother was (and still can be) very abusive. I have no contact with my immdiate family except for my mother. She has visited me in Asia, but I won't go to her house.

Take care of yourself and forget them. You don't need nasty people in your life when you have lovely ones who you can turn to for support.

First of all, I applaud you for carrying on when things got crap and not falling into drink, drugs etc and other self destructive actions that can often happen after an abusive childhood.

I am sorry you have had a difficult childbirth experience. Congratulations on your new baby.

You are being bullied and black mailed. The benefit to having the bullies in your life (if you ordinarily want them) has to be weighed up with the negatives of having your mother, etc in your life. Is the trade off worth it? Will it help your mental well being? Will your children gain from having them in your life?

If not, then you will have to sacrifice a relationship with those you want to keep yourself and your children safe.

You have to say no! Firstly because you know it is the only way you will be able to get better and secondly because they are just trying to browbeat you. It's nobody's business but yours anyway.

As for your dcs missing out o family contact: this might seem a shame but it isn't going to affect them hugely. Lots of children do not have much family to start with and they don't suffer for it.

Also, I agree with Walk that I really do not think it will last. They have been coerced into this by your nasty mum and sis; I am certain that at least some of them will be finding it outrageous but just going along to keep the peace. Hold your head high and tell 'em to get stuffed.

Look after you and your proper family ... the ones who love you and derserve you.

I had a similar upbringing to you and have since cut out my mother's sister and my cousins. My cousins went apeshit when I disclosed something and my aunt knew it was true but chose to hide it from everyone thus making me look like a horrible liar.

It was so horrible in the early days, made my mental health rapidly deteriorate but I'm in a much better place now.

Stick to your guns, you know how your life will go if you back down. This is just another bullying and manipulation tactic. Shame on the rest of the family for going along with it. If you speak to any of them just keep repeating that you deserve to be treated with respect and will not be bullied anymore.

You have so much strength as you have gotten this far in your life, don't let them take it from you. You have your dh and children - they are everything.

Ahh these types of people are known as "winged monkeys" and have perhaps been sent in by both your mother and sister to do their dirty work for them. They have certainly worked on them.

It makes me wonder why such an intervention was staged in the first place by these misguided and useless family members who have turned on you. Regardless of their own motives they are not worth the time of day either frankly.

You need people in your life that add to it, not harass you for maintaining contact with abusive family members.

Please for your sake say NO and keep repeating that ad nauseum. If they do not get the message use legal means (i.e the information on harassment that DisagraceToTheYChromosome gave you earlier). Infact I would send them such a letter now demanding that you are not further contacted.

I've spent the whole of last night and today thinking about all this, I can't get the inevitability of losing my whole family out of my head. I alternate from rage and anger to feeling completely numb.

I've read other threads about abuse as a child and I am terrified of me repeating the same mistakes towards my DC, family didn't help me when I was alone in the past, made a fool of me, belittled my knowledge, ignored my feelings for years and years. They (aunt) took everyone on holiday except me, tell me I was 'off doing my own thing' when in reality I was in a bedsit crying my heart out wondering what I had done that was so bad I'd be left behind.

There isn't anyway back I don't think. I have to accept that having opened the can of worms my family want to ignore me so they can go back to feeling good about themselves.

Are all families like this? They aren't are they?

Not all families are like this. My own are frankly weird: my DGFs would have gone to Broadmoor were they not wearing a uniform when they did what they did, there are dodgy politicians, flamboyant not say flaming thespians and DM had a fair bit of werewolf in her, but we're not really toxic as such (although the David Icke worshipping antisemite comes close).

Turn your back on them. You are "no tenth transmitter of a foolish face". You are, with your DH and DCs, a new beginning. You know what not to do, which is most of the battle.

It WILL be hard, but what you're losing is something that was never there. Make your own traditions and your own luck.

what you're losing is something that was never there thats it isn't it, I have to come to terms with that

Today has been awful, snapping at the DC, smallest is teething and older one is trying to toilet train (but not really getting it) and I've felt as if my head will explode.