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Original poster

sick of feeling alone

36 replies

babapoorlymama · 05/07/2006 21:25

Dont really know what i can do anymore.
I have never felt so scared and alone ,i just want to escape my feelings and run away .

OP posts:
DumbledoresGirl · 05/07/2006 21:26

What is your situation BPM?

Original poster
babapoorlymama · 05/07/2006 21:35

I have long term depression and i am waiting for intensive treatment with a psychologist(could be waiting 4 months)I am constantly angry and hurt.
Dp looks at me with hatred and all we do is argue and he makes me feel like i am a loon.I dont want to live like this anymore ,i never feel happy,i am a failure,i have noone i can trust or talk too.
Even lifelong friends have desserted me.
I hit dp last week

OP posts:
Troilus · 05/07/2006 21:39

I suffer from depression too and often feel alone and angry. However, for the sake of your child you must stay positive and provide as much of a stable environment for your child as they are depending on you. I know it's hard, a psycho therapist should help a lot. I am looking for one myself. What are your main worries/concerns?

wrinklytum · 05/07/2006 21:40

sorry tohear you are feeling so low how old is your child/children?Could you see your gp if you are feeling so desperate and be referred as a priority? big hugs

DumbledoresGirl · 05/07/2006 21:42

Could you admit to your GP that you hit your dp and ask for your case to be bumped up the list on the grounds that you feel you are becoming increasingly out of control?

Troilus · 05/07/2006 21:43

your lifelong friends have probably just decided to leave you alone for a while it may not mean they have deserted you. I often think I am never happy but you have to try to pick out some positives in your life. It is hard though if you are in that negative thought process. You are not alone though. So many people have these feelings too. Do not feel guilty about hitting your child if it was out of frustration and anger. Try to walk away next time as the anger should disperse.

Original poster
babapoorlymama · 05/07/2006 21:47

I have 2 dd's aged 4 and 6months
There would be no priority
Have tried a lot of anti-d's and withdrew from venlafaxine last week (slowly)as the tabs had made me gain weight which only depresses me further.
Alway's argue in front of dc which makes me feel crapper and makes me a bad mom as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
babapoorlymama · 05/07/2006 21:50

I didn't hit my child ,it was my partner i hit
Supposed friends have let me down many times in the past ,i must be very stupid and odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
babapoorlymama · 05/07/2006 21:54

God i would love to just up and leave
Cant see a future for me and dp anymore
Have nowhere to go though

OP posts:
BigBoaby · 05/07/2006 21:55

babapoorlymama - You could have been me 5 years ago. I slapped H a few times when I had PND... then he started hitting me back, that deteriorated into terrible fights. The rest is history. H was the same to me, he hated me for being like that. He never stopped hating me. But then my H is a total arse!

I never got any help though until ds was 18mths old. You are doing the right thing and I agree about explaining how bad its got to get your appointment hurried along.

You're certainly not stupid or odd!!! If thats the case then there a lot of us stupid odd people on MN!

BigBoaby · 05/07/2006 21:56

Gawd... I really need to change my MN name back to normal!! BRB.

wrinklytum · 05/07/2006 22:11

Dont feel you are a bad person.I have ds 2 and dd 6 months.I am fortunate to have never had depression so far.I have to say the first six months having 2 kids has been the toughest of my life.I have also argued loads with my dp,culminating in us having a stand up fight(not in front of kids)for the first and sincerely hope the last time of our 12 year relationship when dd was 4 months.It is an extraordinarily stressful time adjusting to 2.Can you and dp leave the kids with in laws for a few hours even if you dont go out just to get some time as a couple to talk about your situation?

Original poster
babapoorlymama · 05/07/2006 22:18

He wont talk about it he just says "oh well so you have made your mind up and thats that ,so your not even prepared to work at it"
He does sweet fa to 'work at it'
He makes out like it is entirely my fault and he is so innocent .
god he infuriates me ,i cant do it anymore
I dont know what to do
i wish i wasn't gutless or i would run away and leave everything

OP posts:
wrinklytum · 05/07/2006 22:23

Not sure what you meant when you said there is no priority.If you are that low then your gp/hv must take this on board?Or am I just being naive?

wrinklytum · 05/07/2006 22:24

Have you tried talking to him on neutral ground away from the kids and the same four walls?

Original poster
babapoorlymama · 05/07/2006 22:30

wrinkly tum ,i meant that that is the standard wait ,as it is intensive they dont rush people off the list.
Thanks but i really dont think that talking elsewhere would make any difference,he isn't good at talking.

OP posts:
wrinklytum · 05/07/2006 22:38

Is he aware of how down you are?Lots of us "put on a brave face" to the world.I think sometimes men dont always realise how bad you are feling unless you tell them outright.Surely if you are using physical force he realises there is a problem.Do you still love him?

Original poster
babapoorlymama · 05/07/2006 22:45

He knows exactly how i feel
I dont know if i love him?

OP posts:
wrinklytum · 05/07/2006 22:50

sorry that was a bit of a personal question.What i meant was do you feel as if the relationship is worth saving,or is it difficult to tell with the depression getting in the way.I really feel you should try and acess help from your gp etc I know it isnt always easy talking to people but for your own health I feel you should try if you can.Many hugs

Original poster
babapoorlymama · 05/07/2006 22:52

Whats worse is i have to take dd's out tommorrow with my mom and will have to pretend when i just want to crawl under the duvet

OP posts:
wrinklytum · 05/07/2006 22:54

i hated dp for the first five months of dds life felt like leaving etc.After our massive row we sat and talked for the first time in ages and both agreed to make changes.Do you get ANY time just to do something for you as well to make you feel special.

Original poster
babapoorlymama · 05/07/2006 22:56

No i dont get any time for me,i only have mums net

OP posts:
wrinklytum · 05/07/2006 22:56

Does your mum know how low you are?cOULD SHE HAVE THE KIDS FOR A FEW HOURS SO YOU CAN DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU OR CATCH UP ON SOME REST OR WHATEVER

Original poster
babapoorlymama · 05/07/2006 22:58

crossed posts
yeah my mom knows i am depressed but i cant talk to her as i dont like upsetting her as my sister killed herself

OP posts:
wrinklytum · 05/07/2006 23:05

OOPS TYPING WENT A BIT AWRY