Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

Original poster

I'm falling apart and I just want to die

16 replies

muddleup · 26/09/2013 20:44

My head hurts so much from trying to think straight.
My youngest 2 children are going to their dads tomorrow til monday and my oldest will probably be staying at his girlfriends all weekend so i have the time and i have the means I'm just scared that I wont have the courage and that I will be left feeling worse.
I just want it to stop, all of it but it wont.
I'm scared and I'm tired, tired of breathing, of living, of just being here on this planet.
I cant get the flashbacks to stop, they wont go away.
I'm just done with it all

OP posts:

WestmorlandSausage · 26/09/2013 20:47

talk to us muddleup

what is making you feel this way?
Do you have the number for your local crisis team.

FabMum1 · 26/09/2013 20:48

What are the flashbacks about?
You are not alone, don't be afraid but don't do anything silly

Life can be shit at times, harder than people can imagine. Take a breath, keep calm and explain some more......

Original poster

muddleup · 26/09/2013 22:08

Crisis team are rubbish just tell you to have a cup of tea and a bath, my cpn isnt back til next week sometime, I'm supposed to see my psychologist tomorrow but I dont have the energy to go, and I think its to late for me.
My daughter is pushing me to the limit with her behaviour.
Everything is getting to me, stupid things but they feel like big things.
I've just had enough of life and everything it involves.
The flashbacks are about my childhood, they seem to have come back really bad,
feel like I'm drowning

OP posts:

Waferthinmint · 26/09/2013 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

muddleup · 26/09/2013 23:26

I name changed a while ago, not sure it was me but I did have a really good psychologist but she went off sick last year and has now left, I have a new one that I'm really trying to work with but its really difficult.

OP posts:

Waferthinmint · 26/09/2013 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CookieDoughKid · 26/09/2013 23:47

This is really hard but my suggestion (and it works for me) is to defocus and 'quieten' those repetitive voices in your head saying 'you're not good enough/life is shit/why aren't you doing any better' etc.

Try this:
Close eyes and just breathe. Try to breather slower with every breathe. Really concentrate on being 'present' in the moment and aware of your feet touching the ground. Every time you feel your thoughts rearing again to the negative, open your eyes, then shut them again. And repeat the breathing.

It will take practise. The point is too elevate yourself from these dark thoughts.

If the above doesn't work, for every dark thought you have, think of something to say to 'stop' the thoughts and think of the opposite. For example,
'I can't go on any longer'
Respond with 'yes I can'. Keep repeating it 'Yes I can again and again', respond even louder, even if you feel you are faking it....keep faking it if you have to and eventually, the positive thoughts will feel more 'natural'.

It may sound airy fairy but what you need to do, is to train your mind to 'get back in control'.

Small steps. - You will feel better soon.

annguyen187 · 27/09/2013 03:58

Win - lose, happy - sad as a rule of life. Therefore, whether in any circumstances, you should also have a positive trend and limit most of their negative emotions. No one in life is perfect and not make mistakes at all. Emotions greatly affect your actions. Some days you filled with inspiration, but there are times when your ideas just can not appear, even when the white paper was right before his eyes. Of course, one can not fully control his emotions, but if you want life to be simple, fun and optimistic, start from yourself.

Arizona housecall, Doctors making housecall, Home wound care

claraschu · 27/09/2013 05:18

Are you there Muddle? I don't know what to say, but want to reach out to you.
Remember, your children love and need you; just keep dog paddling, like when you first learn to swim, and you will get back to solid ground.

Do you want to talk about your flashbacks? or your current worries? Can you ask for a different therapist if this one isn't working out?

I know that taking care of yourself can be an impossible challenge when you are feeling down, but just try to keep your nose out of water.

MNHQ

JulieMumsnet · 27/09/2013 10:29

Hi,

Many thanks to those who have let us know about this thread.

We're so sorry to hear that you're going through this, muddle. We second the advice that you've been given here and there are sources of support and help on here.

MNHQ.

Original poster

muddleup · 27/09/2013 11:46

I'm up and ready to go to my appointment.
I know I have to be honest with her but im scared, I dont want to live but I dont want to hurt my children by not being hear.
Everything I do seems wrong, I dont like these feelings they scare me but they wont go away.

I shouldnt have posted, I didnt mean to worry anyone.

OP posts:

WestmorlandSausage · 27/09/2013 16:36

hope your appointment went well muddleup

FabMum1 · 27/09/2013 21:08

How are you muddleup?

Original poster

muddleup · 27/09/2013 22:42

I'm not great, I got myself in a state earlier and have not long stopped being sick. It all feels a mess.
Not a nice session with psychologist but I did manage to tell her that I wanted to not be here anymore and she did listen and not make me feel bad for wanting it.
I have some phone numbers that I can use if I need or can.
I am scared, I dont trust myself but my son is coming home tonight and I dont want him to find me and I hate that hes messed up my plans and even though I know I'm wrong to think that it just shows what another thing I cant get right.

OP posts:

CookieDoughKid · 27/09/2013 23:32

hey muddleup. We all mess up. There's been days I've messed up all day long. I can't do anything right. In just ONE day - last week -

I locked myself out of house,
my dc went to school and (I) forgot her book bag and snackbox
my car broke down on my way to a very long awaited physio appt,
I panic'd I couldn't collect dc in time cos of car broke down,
I lost a potential house buyer and my house is languishing on the market.
I had just £6.95 in my bank account because of unexpected car repairs and how was I going to stretch this for a food shop for the weekend?
Got home after school with dc's and they were in tantrum mode. I ended up screaming at them (very bad disciplining).
I cried.
Knowing that the next day, I had a 5 hour technical workshop/training day to deliver to a demanding client and had to leave at 5am to get the train to Manchester.
I cried a lot that night.
And I'm a lone parent at the mo (dp in another country for a long time).

Do you have days like the above?

It's OK to feel like you can't get a handle on things.
What's not OK, is to feel like you can't keep going.
You can. You just have to go, keep moving but you don't need to get it right all the time.

Hope this helps.

Original poster

muddleup · 28/09/2013 01:41

Reading that makes it sound normal,but when things like that happen I just go into a panic, I know im not being rational and that makes it worse.

I'm struggling to watch tv, anything, even cartoons, it all scares me.
I'm so tired but I cant sleep and what little sleep I do get I have nightmares.
I just want my head to stop but it wont

OP posts:

Flip