Please tell me to pull myself together, I am just not coping

[Glabella]

I have depression and anxiety after a breakdown earlier this year due to leaving my abusive DH. I was very ill for a while, but now I am recovering. However, I am still not coping. I put on a brave face and get on with things as much as I can but just feel useless. I had to take dd on a train this morning, the journey took longer than expected and by the time I got her to the childminder I was almost in tears and so anxious I had to sit in a bus stop and calm down.

My house is a mess, but the whole thing is just overwhelming and I don't know where to start. Most days I don't eat until DP comes home- I know I should but I go and look in the fridge and just can't work out what to have and it's all too much so I just have a cup of tea.

The GP has been lovely, I am on anti depressants at the maximum dose, and they have helped, but they just say to wait until I feel better, there is nothing else they can do. I just don't know how to cope until then, it has been months and I am still just useless, I can't cope. I am still suicidal on bad days, self harming (which I haven't done since I was about 13 and makes me feel like a ridiculous melodramatic teenager) and feel awful. I am being a rubbish mum to dd and there doesn't seem to be any help.

I have done nothing today- hoovered one room and then was exhausted. I am now in the bath trying to make myself feel a bit more human by washing my hair, but I have just been staring into space for ages and I have to pick up dd from the childminder and I have no idea how I am going to get up and dressed and out of the house. How on earth do other people do this, why is it so bloody hard!? I used to be able to do it, but I can't remember how.

Anybody?

You are not well. If the meds are not working you need to go back to the docs and try something else - there is more than one type of AD to try. Be kind to yourself, if you had a broken leg you wouldn't expect yourself to be able to do everything as normal would you? Just because your illness is not so visible doesn't make it any less real, you are seeking help, you are doing what you can, that's enough for now I hope you feel better soon.

It is really hard, I am going through something similar, ever since I had my daughter I just haven't coped at all. I hate it as is not me, I used to be a strong confident person, I was a deputy head teacher and now I can't even leave the house, stupid really.

I have no words of wisdom, I am sorry, but I am here!

I have been there too.

I did not start self harming until I was in my 40's and it was not even something I knew about, it was just an urge I felt, to help ease other pains I couldnt deal with :(

Have you had counselling?

I took all the help that was offered, counselling, CBT, a lovely lady on MN who offered life coaching. It all helped me to identify what was wrong in my life but it still took me years to put that wrong to right! Please keep posting, I am sure you will get a lot of support here and a lot of good advice. I wish I could help more.

To be honest I find it difficult to cope with anything just now, I'm on meds which help relieve the suicidal urges but I am still so paranoid and unhappy. Sorry OP am taking ver thread but a relief it's not just me x

Poor you. That sounds miserable. I second going back to the GP to change meds (?I presume you have ruled out other reasons for this lethargy than depression?)

I am no expert but how about setting yourself an achievable goal for tomorrow eg being washed and dressed by 10am and then having something to eat with your cup of tea. Try that for a few days and then maybe add in something else.

Meantime, being outside can lift the spirits as can trying a little bit of gentle exercise so, in a day or two, once you have the being dressed bit sussed and feel suitably proud of yourself, resolve to go for a walk even if just down the road. Try to look around and find something beautiful to see - a bird, a flower, a brightly coloured front door, a tree, a cloud.

I send you my very warmest hugs xx

I.know the feeling, when I was on my own with dd1 I let everything get on top of me and I spent about 6 months just going through the motions.

Can you go back to the gp and ask for some more help? Maybe a counsellor or some cbt, to try and help? Anti depressents (sp) work for some and not others, maybe some therapy would help too?

Wrt the house, could you send dd off to your parents for a weekend or another family members and spend a full day tackling it? Make a list of rooms and maybe 5 things that need doing in each room? Im not saying this would sort it but it might make it more manageable for you. If you can't get anyone to have dd then maybe get her to help? Give her a box and let her fill it with things that need a new home and then you sort that pile while dd helps make another.

I know just how awful that dispondant feeling is and how hard it is to deal with sometimes. There are plenty of people here who may be able to give you even better ideas too.

Good luck x

You are unwell, be kinder to yourself.

Can you pick one thing a day to do? That way, you are not overwhelmed, but every day you are achieving something and getting better.

I really sympathise I am recovering from an illness where I was on steroids, I am exhausted, angry with the kids, and the house is a tip. But it won't be like this forever, and stressing over everything not being perfect is making me more unwell and down. I'm trying to change my view to see everything I do as positive and an achievement but it is hard.

You escaped an abusive relationship, found love, are bringing up your dd. All these things are amazing achievements, next to them having a perfectly clean house is small beans. Keep reminding yourself of this, you will feel more positive soon.

Glabella tbh how you feel sounds fine given your circs! I'm so sorry it's been so rough. Keep talking here. We will listen.

Twilight; a new baby has no respect for rank. Kate will discover this too. It's ok to struggle. Create your own post. We will listen and help where we can. Promise.

Thanks dacky, I will one day not really up to it now x

Thanks everyone. I have had counselling which helped a little, and I am on the list for CBT but it can take up to a year. On my good days I do try, and remind myself of happy things, get out of the house etc but on bad days I am just not functioning. The other day DP came home to find DD crying in her cot and me crying in the bedroom, because I had only been home with her alone for about 40 minutes and already was in a total panic and had yelled at her before having a panic attack and bursting into tears on the landing. I used to be calm and nice, I honestly found parenting easy and enjoyed it, even the hard bits. DD doesn't know whats going on.

I have a full time childminder paid for by my student grant, which luckily keeps paying while I'm ill. There is no way I could cope with dd for a whole day alone, she is lovely but a toddler who KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS! DP has just started a new full time training placement, we desperately need him to do it and get a job so I am having to cope on my own more and I am just proving that I can't do it. And I keep getting angry with him for not being here, even though I know it's not his fault. So tonight he is back late from a long day, I have yelled at him, and now I'm not sure he's speaking to me.

It's not a case of pulling yourself together! You're obviously not well go back to your dr or see another one I know it's hard but try and fight until you get the help you DESERVE! A doctor saying just wait until the ADs start working and leaving you to cope with a toddler in the meantime frankly sounds a moron.

You will be ok have faith in yourself I bet you're a lot stronger than you think and it's ok to ask for help no ones superhuman!! we're hear to listen and hold your hand

Glabella, it's going to take a long time. Be kind to yourself. I was in a similar situation apart from I had a doctor who made a pass and that sent me into a total tailspin and cocked my head up because everyone says 'go to the doctor. Do not pass go. Go to the doctor.' I was so confused about what he did.

Sorry you feel useless but you're not, you were there on the train getting your DD there. You might have had a mini meltdown afterwards but you did it. If you have a nice GP, talk to them about the ADs. Hope you are well :)

Find vicarinatutu's thread in mental Heath.

Lovely supportive group.

It is called roll up for the village fete.

I find the thread really helpful, although I mainly lurk.

Xxx

Just been through something similar, do you have friends in RL you can spend time with to break the day up?
It helped me.
I've also started power walking 20 minutes a day, and get a really good feeling after. Still on AD's but has improved a lot over two months.
I also find coffee and my favourite music helps me have a clean up at home. Don't try to do too much, baby steps.

Good luck x

Well how about making that cup of tea to start with. Then whilst it cools, maybe get a slice of bread, butter it and have that with the tea.

Later on you might want to try speaking to a different GP at the practise, but firstly have a cup of tea and a slice of bread.

Thank you to everyone for your support, it helps to just have a moan, I don't really have anyone in real life, only dp and dd really. I guess I am just being impatient. It just feels like dd is growing up so fast and I am missing out on enjoying her, being told to just wait seems intolerable, although I know that is all I can really do. The last few days were better- some days I wake up and feel almost normal, other days I wake up and know it's a bad day. Its so frustrating as there seems to be no pattern to it- I feel I am doing better but then I'm back at square one.
Friday was my wedding anniversary, only 3 years ago I got married and then it all went so horribly wrong and I am now in the middle of an awful divorce and I look around me and have no idea how I got here. And it is doubly hard at the moment because I had planned to be having another baby about now, if my husband hadn't become a fuckwit, and dd is going through a baby obsessive phase and pointing out every baby we see.
I was on vicarinatutus thread, but everyone seems to always be doing so well, and half the time I can't concentrate enough to remember whos who and reply to people, so I just end up feeling like a failure there too. Thanks for letting me ramble on, and sorry to all of you who have been in a similar place to me.

Hello
So sorry to hear that you're going through this.
Do let us know if you'd like us to move this thread out of chat for you
Kindest

Not sure anyone is reading, but it helps to write it down. Today was a tough day, from the minute I woke up everything just seemed overwhelming, and dd is with get dad so don't even have her to distract me. I am so stressed about the divorce, and have no money since ex hasn't given me a penny since he left. I am about a week from having nothing at all, I will have maxed out my overdraft, and there's always something else we need. Dd needs some new shoes, and there's a damp patch on her bedroom wall, but both will have to wait. I just feel such a failure.

I don't have any advice, just wanted to let you know that someone is reading and offer a hand to hold.

Hi Glabella,

I have extensive experience of the situation you are in. Let me first of all explain briefly.

My partner suffered from mental health disorders for 3 years, she had Somatization Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder and various forms of anxiety with depression, she suffered greatly. It culminated after numerous attempts in her suicide in February last year.

I had nursed her 24/7 throughout the period, attended every psychiatric apt with her but all to no avail.

I was and am completely devastated, she was my life. So as you can imagine the last 18 months have been a living nightmare, only now am I starting to come through the worst of it.

Now to you Glabella.

I can tell you from experience that the medication you are on may help a little, but depression/anxiety cannot be cured by medication alone. There is no magic pill trust me, we tried them all.

Seems to me you have been through the mill and then some. Now you have to rise up as you have little ones to look after and nurture. There are SO many ways in which you can help yourself, and believe me it HAS to be you that is the main motivator in your recovery.

If you have close family/friends or support groups in your area, find the strength to tell them how you feel. Don't worry that you may be a burden, the true friends and family, the people who REALLY care for you will show their worth.

The chores that you do on a daily basis you should break down into stages, even to the point of saying for example, " At 10pm I AM going to plug the hoover in, at 1015 I AM going to hoover the lounge". Sounds simple I know, it isn't. But you NEED to force yourself to do things a tiny bit at a time. When you are depressed and anxious the smallest of things can seem like a mountain to climb.

I myself am Bi-Polar. My episodes are brought on by traumatic events, even though I found my dear Sandra dead I fought against all the feelings of worthlessness, of fear, of uncertainty about the future, about not CARING about the future etc etc etc. I broke EVERYTHING down into small pieces, one bit at a time. I eventually was able to do a little more each time.

During this period many things happened that would have been reason enough to sink into the pit of despair and depression. I have been there scores of times before. This time I fought back and took all the advice I could get regardless of how crazy that advice seemed at times.

It is working Glabella, the power is within you to pull this round.

I no longer take the Setralin, Diazepam, Clonazepam, Sodium Valproate etc etc.

I hope this helps if even a little Glabella, don't hesitate to ask anything that you might feel I can help with.

Take care Glabella

Ian