intrusive thoughts? somethings gone in my head today

[holstenlips]

Been under pressure general life and work stuff for weeks
Slowly building up and last few days im really struggling
Took yesterday off work. Went in today and spent most of it crying at my desk. At points today nearly walked out of work. I called gp but no appts.
I have thoughts popping in my head . Suicidal / self harm thoughts. Im scared I will act on them. Dont think I will but at times they seem overwhelming.
Distraction (with work or listening to music for example) helps a bit. Kids have kept me busy this evening.
Part of me wants help. Part of me wants to lose the plot.
Intrusive thoughts ? Where are these from?

[holstenlips]

And..a day so far spent in bed today. Its exhausting. I was so down this morning. At least im losing weight.

[CheckpointCharlie]

Oh boo, sorry to hear you feel shit today after a better day yesterday. Is your dd off school now? ( I broke up today)

You are one day closer to seeing the doc though. I really hope you get somewhere, are you seeing a different doctor?

[holstenlips]

Yes my dd finishes today we are off to stay with my parents at the weekend (I havent told my parents anything) ) hopefully the different scenery and being cooked for by my mum will help. Im looking forward to it so thats good .
On friday im seeing a different gp as mines on holiday I wonder if they will sign me off work again or I will have to go back to work next friday (holiday til then)
I slept a whole night first time in ages and ive been for awalk and done my exercises. I am aware of my thoughts racing so im trying tokeep calm and quiet. Its a Rollercoaster ride.

[CheckpointCharlie]

Some positives in there, lovely holiday and maybe you will open up to your parents (mum?) and share some of the load. D you think that might help?

Make sure you explain how bad you feel to the doctor, I really hope they help you quickly this time!

I am off for a few days from tomorrow and am not sure if i will get a wifi signal for the ipad but I don't mind texting you if you would like me to?! Pm me if you like!

[holstenlips]

Thanks Charlie you are very kind. Im sure I will be ok. If im not I will jump on here...you need a holiday not texting a mad woman!!!
Today first day of dds holidays. Very tired but took her out with her playmate just locally but I did it. And off to bed early as I was awake from 3.30am as usual.
Looking forward to my break away.
Gp tomorrow which should give me some idea of how they think im doing and whether to go back to work yet etc.
Thank you Charlie ♡ have a good break

[CheckpointCharlie]

I have wifi! Oh best of luck tomorrow then, I sincerely hope you get a good GP who understands what you are going through.

Well done for taking dd out too, a mammoth task when you feel dire.

Hope to hear good news tomorrow!

[Apileofballyhoo]

Hi holsten,
just another person who is on your side. You sound very together to me for all you are coping with. I went through a phase of being unable to leave the house, months off work, suicidal etc.

Looking back I was very very unhappy with my life. I also had a relationship with someone who did all the taking and no giving. I wasn't happy at work either (dead end job, no incentive to perform better).

If I get down now, many years later, my first inclination is to not leave the house, and sit around doing pretty much nothing. So absolutely well done to you for the aerobics, bringing your DD out and doing the housework.

I have an emotional bank account theory - what you take out of your emotional bank account must be put back in or you end up empty. Sometimes you can be overdrawn for short periods, running on your reserves, but eventually you will go bankrupt if you don't get anything back.

You mentioned you had cancer - huge drain on you. You are a lone parent - also can be a drain (I know kids can put in what they take out but you are still the adult one, ultimately responsible etc). I think you actually hit the nail on the head yourself when you said this depression is your body's way of telling you you are just not happy.

Have things happened in your life you didn't get a chance to grieve? Have you always, always kept the show on the road, ploughed on, got things done, looked after the DCs? Even when you had cancer?

I am very glad you are going to your Mum's for a break. It sounds to me like you rarely get one. Is there any way you could move closer to your Mum's? Is your eldest DC living away at uni?

I hope I am not offending you. It's just you sound so strong and capable, I just feel you are completely worn out. You need kindness and dinners cooked and a break from responsibility.

[holstenlips]

Im too tired to respond properly Charlie and Apile..but thank you SO much. Will reply tomorrow but youve really hit the nail on the head and im so grateful , thank you . X

[CheckpointCharlie]

apile great post, that makes a lot of sense.
Have a lovely break, and don't be ashamed of asking your parents for help.

X

[CheckpointCharlie]

Ps hope the doc was good.

[Apileofballyhoo]

Thinking of you holsten, hope you got on ok today and you are at your Mum's now.

[holstenlips]

Just getting to bed been a busy day. Too much. Fell asleep on a train earlier..not good. Anyway doctors went fine ive been told to stay off work til I see psychiatrist mid august (so another fortnight)
Although I feel a bit like a failure on that front at least I dont have to force myself to concentrate on work.
The doc has doubled my meds as is the general plan.
Have been navel gazing far too much really but generally feel slightly better most of the time so thats positive.
Kids are off now and so keeping me busy. We leave for my parents on Sunday. My parents are elderly and not that well so I will see how things pan out before burdening them.
Still getting some intrusive thoughts mainly to do with dying. Panicking about dying and leaving my children but also futile type thoughts where I wish I could just give up. Still, mostly im doing better.
Thank you, again for the support. Its so comforting truly.

[Apileofballyhoo]

Don't feel like a failure - take the time to rest and put work out of your head - do not feel guilty about it. Enjoy the time with your kids. It's the universes's way of giving you a well deserved break.

[jango36]

Hi guys :)
am still here lurking!
day 8 here. Feeling great, peaceful, calm and together. If only I had tried this years ago do think I d look back on an easier time.
Sat is always a challenge for me. Staying in so that makes it easier :)
plan is to as always keep busy, walk dog, maybe do some gardening. Also need to choose some wallpaper and paint want to revamp downstairs. Anyone got any good ideas for colour combinations?
Have lost nearly half a stone!! need to exercise now also but small steps..
Will name check later guys. Keep on keeping on xxx

[CheckpointCharlie]

They may be elderly but they are still your parents and might be more helpful than you imagine. They might not see it as burdening either, in fact I am sure they won't.

I like the sound of double meds, that hopefully will help too. And well done for getting yourself to a more positive place.

I still occasionally have thoughts like you have described, I did t realise they were intrusive thoughts but now I think I know what you mean.

When I had PND withdd1 I just knew I couldn't stand near an open window because I would throw her out of it.

Have a lovely break and don't be afraid to be honest. I am confident that you will get better and will recover. X

[Apileofballyhoo]

Thinking of you Holsten. Hope you are feeling a bit better and getting a bit of a rest.

[holstenlips]

Hi thanks im doing ok except not sleeping . I felt rubbish this morning and was dreading the day ahead but actually it was pretty good. My parents live in a veryIsolated place so a long walk in the country was lovely. Just taking in the trees, fields, horses and sheep! I thought I would sleep well but no such luck. However I am in bed and resting I suppose. Plus I dont have to cook or clean.
My dd is looking forward to a day at the seaside tomorrow its lovely to see her happy and busy.
My parents have a lot on their plate health wise so im keeping my thoughts to myself. So far its going ok and im glad I came.
Double meds may be helping too.
Not long now til my cancer follow up - perhaps that too has been on my mind.
Anyway thanks all for thinking of me. Will send you virtual ice creams tomorrow. Love, Holsten.

[Apileofballyhoo]

I'm glad you had a good day. You need rest, rest and more rest. Hard when you can't sleep! Thoughts are always more negative in the small hours of the morning.

I know it is difficult to ask for help from people, you would be breaking the habit of a lifetime. Take whatever help you can get. You need it. Have you got any close friends near where you live? I suppose you are used to do everything yourself and hiding your worries from your Mum.

I really wish I could be of practical help. Like a month of dinners or something!

Just wondering if you have any spiritual beliefs?

And love back to you.

[buildingmycorestrength]

I use relaxation videos on YouTube. The channel nlpmagic is fab. Worth 20 minutes!

[CheckpointCharlie]

Hello! A long walk sounds lovely! It's great to hear you say something was good and that you enjoyed it

Can I echo apile and offer any help you may feel able to take.

Hope your dd lifts your spirits a little bit more with a fun beach day tomorrow and I would love an ice cream....

Sending you a good nights sleep!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz if I can't sleep I open my eyes for as long as physically possible and sometimes it works!

[Apileofballyhoo]

Hi Holsten, just wondering how you are.

[CheckpointCharlie]

Checking in too.

[holstenlips]

You guys are great :-)
Im back from our trip. It was good the only negative being virtually no sleep. So now im home I need to catch up on that. Dd is in holiday club today and next week so I shall have the day to myself.
Mood wise mornings and late evenings are still tricky but I do feel as if the meds are working as the bad thoughts seem further away iyswim.
I have had a chat with my boyfriend (funny name for 45year old but thats what he is :-)
He has been pretty understanding but he wants us to move in together saying it will help us both financially. .my reply being that big decisions are not a good idea for me at the moment.
So im keeping my distance a bit as I feel that is right for me and anyway I cant do company all the time at the moment as I need my space. I think he thinks I will recover quite quickly now but I feel im some weeks off that. Anyway he has been pretty understanding.
The visit to my parents threw up a few things. Mainly the feeling I have always had of being ashamed of myself. I was abused as a child by a friend of theirs and it was swept under the carpet and there it has remained. My parents have always deflected any attempt by me to discuss my mental health as I think they are ashamed im not perfect! So confiding in them was probably never going to happen. By the way the abuse was something id tried to forget.
Also with the doctor now saying bipolar that is another issue. Ive never felt able to even acknowledge to myself that I have mental health issues. I really want to work on reducing this shame and stigma I have about it.
Thank you lovely friends for your support. Im back to bed now for a catch up on sleep will be back soon hope all is good for you all x

[Apileofballyhoo]

Hi Holsten

you reminded me of a friend from college who was abused as a child by her aunt's husband... her parents did some of the right things but they wouldn't confront the man who did it as her mother didn't want to fall out with her sister. So this man was still in and out of their house many years later (they were quite close neighbours I think). I always thought that my friend's issues were half the abuse and half that her mother couldn't seem to put her first, iyswim... she was protected and sent for counselling and all of that but I don't think it was enough.

It's great that you can acknowledge your parents' difficulty in accepting your mental health issues. You have hit the nail on the head there by saying they are ashamed - but not of you not being perfect - I would think more by what they feel guilty about or can't face themselves.

I think you probably have a whole heap of anger and hurt to work through. Did you mention the abuse to your GP? I think it's important to if you haven't.

I'm glad you want to work on your own shame and stigma you feel. When I went for counselling I felt much the same, feeling somehow that I was 'weak' to need help. My counsellor pointed out that it takes courage to face your issues, and it is only the strong person that is able to do that. Confronting the truth can hurt, but also it can set you free.

I think it's great you told your bf that you are concentrating on yourself for now. Put yourself first!

Hope you get some good sleep. xx

[buildingmycorestrength]

Hi Holsten. Coming to terms with abuse is difficult but worth it. You will get a lot of support here.