Avoiding friends with

[tribpot]

This is just me rambling, but I'm very upset and anxious.

Tomrrow I've got a lunch arranged with two of my friends from uni. One is childfree (and basically hates children), the other one of these people who seems to have effortlessly glided into motherhood with a perfect 6 month old dd, rich husband, etc. (Last time I spoke to her she couldn't come out to lunch cos she had Pilates in the morning and then Water Babies in the afternoon, I felt like utter crap that I just can't get my life together like that. Not that I want to do Pilates anyway!).

I won't have ds (nearly one year old) with me as I have to go to work in the morning, but they really upset me last time with disparaging comments about him in comparison with my friend's dd, who was only a few weeks old then and so slept the whole time we were out. They kept saying "why is [ds] trying to eat the menu? Why is he trying to throw everything on to the floor?" Hello, because he's six months old.

On top of which, my dh is chronically ill and has been ever since I met him, steadily getting worse. We are in a very low, low place, he can barely leave the house, there is no end in sight and no-one even really knows what's wrong with him. Of course they can't understand what that's like - and I think both of them believe there's nothing actually wrong with him anyway, he's just stringing me along. I have a full-time job and no childcare for ds, dh and I have to sort of joggle it between us and pray for long naps in the day so I can work.

All in all, I think I should just cancel lunch tomorrow. I've known these people for 16 years but it feels like we live in different worlds, and I'm just too tired and frustrated to be bothered being 'up' around them or answering their questions about dh's health, or having them be rude about ds and the fact he's not a Stepford Child.

I feel so much resentment, not just that their lives seem so much eaiser than mine, but that they don't even seem to notice (let alone care) how hard mine is.

tribpot - who needs friends like those .

Meet up with us on Friday, from 1pm in Harrogate at cafe (Milano's ??? Well, begins with an M anyway) opposite Early Learning Centre. (Don't hate me - I might be late as coming from Pilates class but its a cheap class and has a creche and has saved my sanity)

Perhaps Betty could email you with more accurate details?

sorry - took so long to actually get round to posting what i'd written before that its now obsolete. That's 10 yr old dd1 who's been on a sleepover, come home knackered, napped all day and is now NOT tired. Grrr.

Hopefully see you Friday for tea and sympathy Tribpot.

Thank you Emmylou, betty has emailed, I shall forgive Pilates as long as you actively shove blue smarties into your child Jampots to advise on exact menu!

DG - thank you for kind words! Am quite sure ds is normal and Stepford Baby is not, just a bit depressing all round.

Tripbot - postpone or cancel.

True friends wouldnt make you feel like this about yourself, IMO.

Will purchase blue smarties tomorrow. You will recognise me on Friday as I'll be the one accompanying child with blue mouth.

v.good decision Tribpot!

sorry to be so forthright in my approbation, but they sounded totally horrid! sometimes you just have to cut friends out of your life, nasty as it feel, if they're just no good for you. Much nicer people out there for you to meet - as you seem to be about to find out!

TheHonArfy - candour appreciated, don't be alarmed.

Emmylou, will follow sound of hyperactive child round Harrogate, it's not that big a place!

VVV - you are quite right. All that causes alarm is the fact that I feel this way about 90% of my friends. Clearly you all know what it is like to interact with childfree friends when you have children. It is like that times 100 when you have a chronically ill spouse to deal with. Mostly I think "enjoy your marriages whilst they're easy" - we'd all like it if they stayed that way.

Well, i did find that too Tripbot.

Then i found Mumsnet..........

tribpot I found it hard work when my dad came to stay for 3 weeks after a heart op. That was temporary so I really feel for you with ill dh. With added stress like that ditch the childless friend and give Stepford baby's mum a wide berth too. With the best will in the world, people who cope too well just end up p*ssing me off.

trib, if you don't mind I'll email you too? (once were back - leaving tomorrow - and settled into the swing of things at work)

Still feel bad about slinking off the June thread, but I just couldn't keep up with you all! If i come back, will all be forgiven?

once we're back- arrgh - and I call myself an English lecturer...

Tribpot, I've just joined on this thread, and felt a little sad for you at the beginning because I understand your predicament. But happy at the end, as you have received very good advice!

You sound far too down to earth to have pretentious friends. I only entertain genuine people in my life now. I'm sure from now on, you will too.

Good Luck.
x

Thanks again to all, and fit yes please do email when you're settled. You're welcome back on the June thread any time!

Just wanted to give a quick update. I decided this morning I had better meet my friends after all, as I seem to recall cancelling on them last time we were due to meet, and for similar reasons. (No idea why I agreed to meet this time - and I actually invited Mother-of-Stepford-Child myself).

Anyway, it all went pear-shaped as I got the time wrong and so was an hour late, they had already eaten and paid the bill! Stepford Child had apparently just had a complete paddy (not sure if blue smarties were involved) but tragically I missed it.

I realise that a lot of it is resenting that Stepford Mother seems to find parenting so easy whilst I find it so hard, and the underlying resentment that they simply do not care what dh's ill-health is doing to our lives. Since I moved here, I have never seen them except at my instigation, and the only time Stepford Mother has been to my house was to borrow baby stuff, my other friend has never been.

Still lots of chat about how wonderful and perfect Stepford Child is, no mention of my ds except to ask if he was walking yet (no - and no flipping teeth either), I just can't be bothered with the whole thing.

I had a nice chat with my friend after the Stepfords had gone, and actually I think if it had just been arranged for the two of us I would have been happier about it. Happier, but not happy.

I think I am in kind of a selfish place where I need to (in the style of JFK) "think not what you can do for your friends, but what your friends can do for you". In this case, I think the answer is: worse than nothing, as they are draining my energy away.

The end of an era I guess!

Thanks again for listening, it's really been important to me.

You are not alone Tribpot - have suffered a few 'end of era' realisations myself in the past decade. Of course (cliche warning), with the end of each era a new one begins....(sorry!)

That is so very true! You wouldn't beleive the amount of times I have been in this position (even before parenthood). On the few occasions that my energy has been drained away by users. I move on. And there always seems to be new people to meet. Tribpot, you are already halfway there. You will be meeting up with mumsnet users soon and I am very sure you will find a few genuine friends there. Life is a book.....

P.S I bet you Stepford family are not as perfect as they make out to be! I'm pretty sure she is jealous of your life in some ways. Think about it... xxx

Lainey, I'm sure Stepford family are not perfect. Although it's hard not to wonder - three weeks after Stepford Child was born, Mother of SC hosted her entire family for a week at Christmas and cooked everything! (I couldn't do that with a month off beforehand, no kids and an unlimited budget!)

Btw, \link{http://homepage.ntlworld.com/phancy/ContemplatingFootball.JPG\here } is my ds in recent thoughtful pose, not revolting at all!

Oh Trib, he's gorgeously gorgeous :)

Sounds rather like Mother-of-Stepford-Child is under a lot of pressure to be The Perfect Mother, Wife, Hostess etc. - either from other people or from herself, or a mixture of the 2). Or she's an utter control freak. Or both.

You only get the outside picture. And it sounds like maintaining a perfect outside picture is terribly important to her. I grew up with a mother like that and it's no fun - I feel a bit sorry for SC tbh. (Of course, I'm judging someone I don't know, but it does rather sound like it).

Be proud of all you do and manage. :)

Yummy chubby cheeks!

tribot, just 'nudging in'

You say Stepford mum hosted christmas for her family. A good friend of mine did things like this just after a child was born and carried on for so long before admitting to severe pnd. In fact, she had had depression for years. Of course I'm not suggesting Stepford has this, she probably hasn't but this mum in question came across as a total coper. I did wonder about her tbh but put it to the back of my mind as I was in such awe at her ease.

Sorry to hear of your situation. I met someone recently with fibromyalgia and she explained it to me briefly. It's a terrible debilitating illness and it must be extremely hard for you all xxxx

Ahhhhh I could eat him with a spoon!

Thank you all! His chubby cheeks do invite a lot of comment at baby clinic, poss cos it's in a rather rough area of Leeds so a well-covered baby is a bit of a rarity

FIT - Ulysees, I think you are right to some extent. Stepford Mother has always felt rather second place to her old sister (Uber-Stepford Mother). In fact this woman produced her third offspring only a month after Stepford Mother, prompting my 'revolting' friend to claim the sister had only got pregnant to overshadow our friend. (Frankly, she is capable of it, even though the timing suggests she would have had to have been v lucky to achieve it!).

Also, Stepford Mother tried for a very long time to conceive, whereas dh and I barely had to wink at each other for me to fall pregnant with ds, so there is that too.

But I even had a really upsetting dream about this whole thing last night, so that tells me I have to call it quits for my own sanity. The ironic thing is that none of these people will probably even notice if I don't contact them again, but it gives me peace of mind.

Awww. He is georgeous. Dead cute! I want a cuddle! Is that the thinking pose?

I totally agree with FIT's point of view. Your friend is all front! Obviously more interested in what people think about her, than anything else. It will all come crashing down on her one day! Wait and see... I wonder how the baby felt being locked away in a cupboard while she entertained the whole family??? Lets face it, who can take on that challenge while caring for baby? The more you tell me, the more I want to slap a bit of reality into this woman. (sorry!) It's all false. Get away from this situation pronto! There is family issues going on which makes her insecure and jealous. And she is obviously using your friendship to belittle you and wee man, to try and make herself feel better (because she has insecurities). You dont need that crap. Can I just say, one of my favourite quotes:-

"Make new Friends, but keep the old.
One is Silver, the other gold"

I would class Stepford mum as tin!

Sorry if I sound to be 'on my high horse'! But I have had 2 friends like this, in the past, and been very hurt by their jealousy & insecurity. I dont like to hear of anyone else being in this situation. Which I think you are being caught up in. Just trying to give you the best of my advice. I hope you do not mind my honesty?
xx

tribpot. Dump them both! Wtf sort of person hates children anyway? And Stepford sounds plastic to me! Deffo meet the nice Mumsnet girls!

Cheers chipmonkey. Actually I think loathing children is fine if you don't have any (and don't mention it to anyone who does!).

Lainey6 - no offence taken by your honesty, I promise. I just recognise this as a common thread in a lot of my other friendships, and wonder if I am simply unlucky with my friends or if I attract this kind of person ...