Avoiding friends with

[tribpot]

This is just me rambling, but I'm very upset and anxious.

Tomrrow I've got a lunch arranged with two of my friends from uni. One is childfree (and basically hates children), the other one of these people who seems to have effortlessly glided into motherhood with a perfect 6 month old dd, rich husband, etc. (Last time I spoke to her she couldn't come out to lunch cos she had Pilates in the morning and then Water Babies in the afternoon, I felt like utter crap that I just can't get my life together like that. Not that I want to do Pilates anyway!).

I won't have ds (nearly one year old) with me as I have to go to work in the morning, but they really upset me last time with disparaging comments about him in comparison with my friend's dd, who was only a few weeks old then and so slept the whole time we were out. They kept saying "why is [ds] trying to eat the menu? Why is he trying to throw everything on to the floor?" Hello, because he's six months old.

On top of which, my dh is chronically ill and has been ever since I met him, steadily getting worse. We are in a very low, low place, he can barely leave the house, there is no end in sight and no-one even really knows what's wrong with him. Of course they can't understand what that's like - and I think both of them believe there's nothing actually wrong with him anyway, he's just stringing me along. I have a full-time job and no childcare for ds, dh and I have to sort of joggle it between us and pray for long naps in the day so I can work.

All in all, I think I should just cancel lunch tomorrow. I've known these people for 16 years but it feels like we live in different worlds, and I'm just too tired and frustrated to be bothered being 'up' around them or answering their questions about dh's health, or having them be rude about ds and the fact he's not a Stepford Child.

I feel so much resentment, not just that their lives seem so much eaiser than mine, but that they don't even seem to notice (let alone care) how hard mine is.

Hmm, didn't realise title was too long, it was meant to say 'Avoiding friends with "easy" lives'.

Massive sympathies.

I am a firm believer in putting things like this on hold until able to deal with it better. OK so they've been friends for a long time but clearly being with them is a stress that you don't need - could you just put it off until you feel a bit better? Make up an excuse. They won't know.
xxP

Will the Stepford one be taking her perfect child?

cancel it till you can deal. i second pruni's comments.

later on, when i was able, i'd be honest w/them, too, about how their comments made me feel.

if their real friends, they'll be really shocked and maybe be a little more sensitive.

oh I really feel for you tribpot. I have a friend just like it and tbh I give her a wide berth when she's in one of those modes. I think it's because she has low self esteem (so do I) and I think it makes her feel better to put others down. It really p&sses me off sometimes. I seem to have a had a few friends like that in the past but after dh died, I thought f&ck it, I don't need to put up with that c&ap and neither should you. (((hugs)) and sorry for the bad language but I know how you feel.

Thanks - wasn't sure I would get a reply! Yes, Stepford Child will be there, no doubt behaving marvellously and not throwing everything on the floor.

I think you're right Pruni (not that I can see a time when I will be better able to deal with seeing them, but I get the idea).

If Stepford One is taking her child and you do not have yours, chances are that her child will be the focus of criticism. You could even take some pure orange juice and crushed up blue smarties to pop in the child's drink to be sure of a good result!

If you do go, make sure that you look your best, don't mention any of your problems, say what your ds CAN do and big yourself and your dh up at all opportunity.

Or cancel and erase them out of your lives, friends like that you most certainly do not need!

THe Angel Child thing is a bastard.
Mine has bouts of being perfect then a total pain. Have had to leave nice social things before because the boisterousness has got too boring/intrusive to deal with any other way.
I believe they grow out of it for a bit?????? That thought is keeping me sane.....

I would cancel the lunch invite for now, tribpot.
It sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate & could do without the extra stress of your friends annoying comments.
If your friends DD is now 6 months old, chances are that she will be eating the menu this time! But I agree with pruni - make some excuse - you could do without the stress atm.x

Oh trib :( , I'm sorry you're feeling rotten.

Remember, you're doing a FAB FAB FAB job with a ft job, an ill dh and no childcare - all burdens that Mother-of-Stepford-Child doesn't have to carry. Ergo you have your life far together-er than she does, because you are holding it together! IKE(exactly)WYM about the different worlds thing (remember I work ft too?). Difference is my friends who don't work/have 'easier' lives are mostly utterly fab and supportive. If these people aren't supportive and just make you feel worse, maybe it's time to take a break from them.
And I'm sure ds is absolutely fab love, I'm sure he is. :)
CAT me anytime :)

P.S. ds was chucking stuff on the floor at dinner this evening (we're staying with SIL et al) - SIL's mother (his godmother) just said 'oh, another gravity experiment' . Moral of this story: unlike Stepford Child, your ds is being a little Einstein :)

Pruni - I'm sure it's all just a phase. Rather than horrific I prefer to think of ds as 'spirited' :) Actually he is an extremely good baby - he will regularly be forced to spend 3+ hours in the hospital for one of dh's appointments and takes it all in his stride, except he won't smile for any of the hundreds of nurses who stop by to see him!

Rhubarb - very keen on the blue smartie idea, although no doubt Stepford Baby would effortlessly metabolise it and carry on as before. Maybe speed is the way forward?

DelGirl, sympathies to you. It does make you wonder what the point of having friends is. Glad you got shot of the person in question.

Expat, I think you're right and I will try and have a word when I am feeling stronger. I know it must sound silly to them but it matters to me. In fact now I recall my friend (who hates children) called ds "a revolting little creature" and then tried to weasel out of it, pretending she'd been talking about one of his toys or something! Now I wonder why I didn't just tell them to naff off there and then.

I think part of the problem is I feel like shutting myself off from all of my friends. None of them have the least idea what my life is like, and I am fed up of them not giving a damn, to be honest. However, I do suspect that this is how many people dealing with chronic illness end up even more isolated and alone.

DO NOT GO
They sound totally unsympathetic and not what you need right now.
When you're having a hard time, you need supportive friends around you, not these 2 who sound rather self-involved and, frankly, like pains in the arse.

Cancel - you don't need friends like that now. What you need is a bunch of mumsnetters with normal boistrous kids to moan about, let your hair down and pour your heart out to. I feel so much more at ease taking DD to MN meet-ups than to meet RL friends.

trib, your friend said that about your ds???
Time to make some more friends?

I don't know your dh's history - is there a support group that does meet-ups?

Where are you? Maybe a local MN meet-up...people with rough-and-tumble-type kids only

Oh good thank you Pruni, I thought maybe I was over-reacting to the comment! Huzzah for Mumsnet.

I should stress at this point that the Junie MN mums have been fantastic and I would be a basket case without them, sounds like I should organise another meet-up soon just to get a reality check. Gingerbear - I know what you mean. It is so brilliant to go out with people who just go "oh, your child is trying to destroy everything? Look, so is mine!".

Pruni - yup, there is a support group but dh being a bloke doesn't "do" support groups (plus if he went I would have to go too to drive him / look after ds and they meet during the day). I have to say, I have found the online support groups for this condition (fibromyalgia) to be stunningly unhelpful to carers, but am looking into support groups specifically for carers at the mo. I'm in Leeds, although due a visit to Oxford at some point as my cousin lives there and I need to return all the stuff she lent me for when ds was born!

FIT - thank you so much for your kind words. Glad you have good friends around you. Hope we might meet up some day when you are in the UK - our baby Einsteins would clearly enjoy it!

TheHonArfy - kinda forced to agree with you really.

Thanks again to all for responding, it really makes a difference.

Why haven't I met you before tribpot? I am in Doncaster, and have met with Yorkiegirl (also in Leeds) and other West Yorkshire mums. Didn't mean that to sound like an ultimatum, just that I know the network of Yorkshire mumsnetters is just fab for support.

Gingerbear - so far I have confined my activities to June mummies only But I now feel ready for the wider MN community!

Your "friend" called your ds a revolting little creature?! I'd have shoved the soggy end of that menu up her bottom!
There is a meet up in Harrogate on friday but it's in the afternoon, which I'm guessing would be difficult for you - it would be great if you could make it, though. If all goes well, there may be other meet ups.

I don't really see people who have no idea what my life is like, because I end up bitter about it. I also don't see people who are horrifed by ds1 because I end up wanting to poke their eyes out. I think its a normal reaction. It's true it can be isolating though, but that's where I've found others in the same situation to be a godsend- our friendships are very strong because of that- even if its a case of not meeting, but just talking on the phone every day.

If you spend your time with people who have no idea what its like you end up with a fixed smile on your face!

In your situation I might meet for lunch, but only if things were going well. If we'd had a few "batten down the hatches" weeks (as my friend calls them), I would cancel.

glad you';re looking into carers support groups- if you find a good one I think it will be invaluable

Thanks Jimjams, I can really identify with what you say. And blueteddy also thank you for your comments, let's hope Stepford Child is eating the menus!

Betty - thank you, Friday afternoon is probably the best time for me to try and juggle work as there don't tend to be any meetings then. I live near Horsforth station so Harrogate is perfect. If you could email me with details that'd be great, tribunicia underscore potestas at hotmail dot com.

I have decided to cancel, btw. Thanks for making me feel that that is a reasonable course of action. I probably won't contact either again; Stepford Mother is getting married in Dec but I know that kids will be banned except hers, her sister's and also another friend of ours whose dd will be much smaller than ds. Have been trying to work out how to say "don't bother inviting me, use the invitation for someone else" in a polite manner. Just let it go, I think.

It'll be great to see you at the meetup, tribpot. I'll email you and also bump the meetup thread.

Aw tribpot, I have come to this discussion too late I see, but I wanted to say from the photos of your ds I have seen, he looks absolutely bang on normal and a really cheeky chappie.

Most of my friends came to parenthood before me and were thankfully not precious about their children, but I do know that one or two relationships died a natural death once I became a mother as I just did not seem to have anything in common with childless people anymore.

The funny thing was, one such friend suddenly rnag me out of the blue and arranged to meet up and I just knew her news was she was pregnant. It was as if she suddenly had an interest in all my experiences now that she knew she was going to go through it herself. Perhaps that will happen between you and your friends too. Or perhaps it is time to move on.

Anyway, I think you are doing the right thing to cancel. You could do without the stress by the sounds of it.

I would say actively encourage Stepford Child to eat the menus or take some smarties with you to nibble on saying you have such a habit with them and watch as SC screams the place down for one then observe whilst her mummy loses it

obviously smarties are good because if she allows SC one then she's be hyper all afternoon anyway - result all round