Tears at nursery sports day - I lost it and feel like shit

[OneSickOctonaut]

So, a nursery 3.5 year old DS has gone to for the last month or so, had a sports day today. He has always been a frustratingly clingy child who will not merrily try things if he is not in the mood, and although I suspected that the moment he saw me and DH he would instantly start crying about wanting us, he surprised me. He waited nicely for his turn at the other side of the field while the other nursery class did 3 races, which took around half an hour.

When it finally was my DS's turn to come to our side of the field, and do his races, he ran off from the gym mats and clung onto me, saying that he didn't want to do any of the races. By then I was quite angry that he had had to wait so long for his turn (why couldn't the classes take it in turns for the races, so that no one class had to wait for absolute ages for their turn, just sitting quietly on the ground?), so told the nursery nurse closest to me that I though the fact that he had to wait so long had put him off, so it was a little bit unfair - then took him home.

On the way back home I had a massive go at him for not even trying to do the races together with me, holding hands (I had suggested that). He was the only child to refuse point blank - wanting to simply go home. I'm now really disproportionally and illogically angry and sad that I didn't see my boy do one measly race and get his little medal like everyone else.

We got some "sympathetic" looks - "oh, look at that shit child with the shit parents". I feel so shit and I'm illogically pissed off at the nursery setting him up to fail. I'm sooo angry at myself for even caring.

Please kick my ass and tell me this is trivial and my child is not shit! He is now having a nap, so must have been exhausted, as well as hungry, but I'm so tired of having "that" child and being "that" parent.

Disclaimer: I'm already somewhat depressed, and going for a review of meds tomorrow. Feel so massively shit. Excuse my rant!

Quangle: I don't think I could take a bashing from anyone right now. I'm already ultra-critical at myself. I know I was being very unhelpful, and I think I should have lowered my expectations right down, but I was a teensy bit hopeful ds might do even just one race.. and then that kind of got crushed. Everything gets blown out of proportion in my head right now..

Go ahead and have another baby then you wont be able to direct all of your focus on DS and whether he wants to run or not, as long as it's not into traffic, will seem trivial

You need a hug. Kids are hardwork... some kids are harder work than others and when you are depressed everything is hard work!

Depression is nasty, I'm glad you already have an appointment for a review of your meds. Be very clear that they are not working :( It really isn't healthy to be this invested in whether he did this or not and to spend your whole time pre-empting and making life 'perfect' in relation to your DS. Life/kids... it's not perfect.

The fact that you are stressing out about it is seemingly rubbing off on your DS. Without meeting you both it would be hard to say what is nature and what is nurture - but - the nurture is not helping the nature in this case - unfortunately.

It is normal to get a bit annoyed by a DC that is clingy and wont do what the others are doing - but not to the degree that it is stressing you.

Shouting at DS - not great - equally, not the end of the world. Cut yourself some slack, get some better meds and try to relax about & around him...

I also agree that 99% of the 'looks' would have simply been 'Thank fuck it's not my DC today' x

Thanks "here" and "childcare".. I'm starting to feel a bit better now. I think I always expect the worst, so the fact that I had a bit of hope and it got crushed kind of proved to me that I should never expect anything but the worst. That way you're never disappointed. Ah, well, that's my default position anyway

Jesus wept and you called her a friend?? I take it that's ex-'friend' now?? You don't need people like that in your life At All.

At least you can see that things are getting blown up out of proportion... that's a good start :) x

Chipping: I think I keep my stress well hidden most of the time, but once in a while have a right breakdown.

And regarding the "friend", she is sort of an ex-friend now, yes. We don't call each other any more, as I feel like she looks down on us and that stresses me out, and she probably thinks that we are a bad example to her DC and simply not good enough. We seem to also have completely different values and ideas these days. It's very sad, because she has been my very good friend for a long time pre DC and moved to our town partly to be close to me. Killed the friendship, that.

I'm cuddling DS now and watching Grandpa in my Pocket. He seems to have forgiven me.

Kids are good like that :) Even if they can't work some things out, they know when they are loved and that's the most important thing.

It's a shame about your friend, but don't be thinking she has any right to look down on you. None of those things you were talking about were 'bad' things you were doing and it was for her to manage her children not for you to change your behaviour to suit her parenting - she's barking!! Lots of friendships don't survive having children at the same time. I have a good friend who is great in many ways, but if we'd had babies at the same time I'm not sure our friendship would have survived it! She would have told me to unclench and I would have told her to clench!

Yes, I do agree on that. Still sad, that. Meh..

Thanks again everyone. I feel a lot better now. Was extremely proud of DS as he greeted our surprise guest (a man he has only seen once before, briefly) heartily just half an hour ago, and showed him around the garden like a good little host never mind he called the man "grandpa" because he has grey hair despite being only in his late forties

Hi OP, I am so sorry that you've had such a stressful day.

I can relate to some of your feelings, and I have found parenting incredibly hard sometimes. I've had some moments where I haven't been proud of myself at all, and imagined strangers judging me (maybe they did, maybe they didn't, who knows?).

Focusing on your own mental health is always going to be a good thing. Happy parents are an excellent place to start.

A couple of things that have helped improve my relationship with 4yo DS a great deal have been Playful Parenting and Lovebombing. They have a lot of features in common, and I've found the Lovebombing was great in helping me to unclench and just play with DS. It's amazing how much of the time I was saying no to things that really I could say yes to, and would make things easier all round.

It's been a while since I've read Playful Parenting, but Lovebombing I remember because it is short and I was struck by the author's compassion and lack of blaming the parent. I thought that a bit of compassion might be something you could do with about now?

Big hugs for you. Give DS an extra squish for me.

TV: I do think me and DS have some of the same character traits. We are both prone to grumpiness and get tired easily. Also, neither of us wants to do stuff we find difficult. If it isn't easy, we do tend to give up rather than persevere. Obviously, as an adult I know that I have to stick with some stuff even if I don't like it.

The friend was very conflicted in her approach: evangelical about attachment and unconditional parenting, but at the same time very strict about some quite trivial (to me), stuff. Also, she had absolutely 0 tolerance for some age appropriate behaviour like whinging, "laziness" (not walking miles and miles happily at age just 3), and other things that I have just had to largely ignore/put up with about DS (fussy eating being another one).. She also wanted me to deal with DS's occasional bad behaviour, like snatching, with punishments that she approved of.

She told me that she thought that DS was being rude and inconsiderate towards her DS, when at just turned 3 years old, DS would sometimes start a chase game, but then get scared in the middle of it, leaving her DS "hanging". She said that I should tell DS off for starting a game he "couldn't take", as it made her DS "look like the baddie" for chasing DS. Again, at just turned 3, DS had a tantrum about having to share a toy at her house. I told him off, but couldn't calm him down, because he was getting tired, so I put his coat on to go home. According to her, the really "bad thing" about this was the fact that DS would not say goodbye while leaving (he was still upset, so I said goodbye on his behalf). Apparently it was very rude towards her DS who had been really looking forward to spending time with his friend, and was left with "a bad taste in his mouth" (btw, we had already been at their house for around 2 hours).

I was left at these things, and her demands that I change my parenting according to her specifications if we were to ever meet up with the children again, when she had a go at me some weeks later. I really don't think her 3 year old cared about "being left with a bad taste in his mouth" - more likely she had a personal problem with me and DS. It felt like a punch in the gut, and a massive betrayal from a previously very good friend. I drew a line at doing exactly what she wanted to do just to remain friends, as I felt I hadn't done anything wrong (DS is not violent and any snatching and such are addressed on the spot). It doesn't stop me being paranoid and unsure now..

I tend to let stuff that I think is pretty trivial or age appropriate at this age (not always eating at the table with proper manners, and some whinging, etc.) go a bit, and concentrate on the more important stuff like not hurting anyone on purpose, being polite, not doing deliberate messes, listening to parents and not snatching, etc. I just want everyone to get along, be relaxed and have fun. Luckily I havea few friends who share my approach, and like spending time with us.

Yes. That's it in a "nutshell". I'm kind of bored of it all now. I know the ex-friend has her own insecurities and problems that have made her that judgemental, but I'm much happier without her.

IsItMe: Yes, I have read Lovebombing, and that's the kind of loving and accepting, relaxed approach I aspire to. On occasion I try to have special fun relaxed days when we don't have to anything DS doesn't want to do, and we do lots of fun stuff and cuddle (as much as he will let me!). I always feel good on those days. It's only on days when eternal expectations (imagined or real) come to play that I really have the potential to lose it with DS. I must try harder to just walk away or count to 100, but sometimes my fuse is way too short (because of stress tension and imagined or real judgyness).

Awww you poor thing, I was at sports day for my 3 year old yesterday.

She is not particularly clingy but as soon as she saw her grandad and I she wasn't interested in sports and just stood moaning beside us.
Refused to take part so we just went home as well.

It's just what 3 year olds do so don't be upset.

Your friend that you mention sounds like an arse.

Thanks Fanny!

I'm the total opposite OSO. If my little one doesn't want to join in I don't make him. Then I feel like everyone thinks I'm a complete pushover and babying him by letting him get out of whatever it is their kids are doing. It's embarrassing either way. You can't win!

That friend sounds poisonous. So glad you've realised and dropped the contact. Well done on looking after yourself and DS.

It's bound to knock your confidence when somebody you cared about and respected is so certain that you're doing something wrong.

Hope your meds review is helpful tomorrow. Honestly, it does sound like that could be your biggest issue (now you've ditched the toxic friend, that is!)

Hmmm, I've a few thoughts.

One, don't beat yourself up about losing it but don't excuse it either. This may sound like a contradiction but it's not. Also don't assume he can't read your stress and doesn't respond to it but again, don t beat yourself up over THAT either.

Ultimately he is his own person and not a reflection of you. The thing is if you lost it with him because you wanted x from the day and he didn't provide it your guilt is a reminder this is not the kind of mum you want to be. There is no reason to ruminate on that but I would apologise to him wholeheartedly and then just move on. I'm a big fan of light hearted apologies to my ds who is the same age... oooh my grumpy monster got out a bit there, sorry I was so shouty, that wasn't very kind of me, got to try to not feed my grumpy monster so much etc.

One of the things we have to accept as mums with depression or other mh issues is that the bad times DO cause stress and insecurity in our children whether we think we are covering it or not. I'm a pretty decent mum I think but I know ds1 knows if I am dipping. It shows in his behaviour almost immediately. I am compassionate to myself about this but above all I commit to turning gently back to being the mother I value being again and again and again if I find myself checking out mentally or being subdued or unavailable. This is very often an intense struggle but it is important. Our children need us to make it about them and not us and that is no easy task when you are depressed. Yet it is truly the work of our lives and so important for theirs that we show up and face the good, the bad and the ugly in ourselves without flinching, excusing denying or self flagellating.

There's a great Acceptance and Commitment Therapy book called the joy of parenting that really takes you through this.

It's no biggy in and of itself (sports day) but you need to get some distance and see your son as separate to and not a reflection on you, his own unique individual with his own struggles and challenges some of which will probably relate to your depression and self doubt. Without judging yourself or him... you haven't chosen this, neither has he, and if it were cancer there would be adjustments and fall out etc but learning this has really held me x

BlackSwan: I know- you're damned whatever you do.

IsItMe: Thanks. I suspect they might up the meds, which should help a bit.

Working: I know my issues probably affect DS. When I'm having a down day, he can totally sense it and is doubly awkward. Only, most of the time I'm fine (well, however normal a neurotic person can be), unless there is a special stressor. I have to work on pausing and thinking before acting. I think at times I'm so conflicted between wanting to go with my gut - do the "right" thing by ds, and wanting to be seen doing the "right" thing by other people (I don't always even know what that is meant to be - everyone will have different expectations - as my ex-friend has demonstrated). I will look up that book. I know I need all the help I can get. DS is infinitely more important than anything else. Depression just makes you an awful navel gazer..

You sound very anxious about a very ordinary little boy - and I mean that in a nice way! I have one a little older and one a little younger than yours and honestly they are both whingy, lazy, difficult, fussy, clingy a LOT of the time.

The most important thing for me is just to let it go. Everytime we come to a point of conflict I think, does it really matter? Does it matter that DS1 will not eat any vegetable and will cry until he throws up if you make him? Not really, he eats fruit and takes a vitamin pill. Does it matter that DS2 is the only child at football class completely ignoring the coach and running away from the ball? Not really, he seems to be happy enough and I'm the one paying for this. If no one is going to be harmed, let it go.

I work with under 5's and this sounds totally normal.
don't worry about the other parents etc.
Sports day for 3 yr olds - honestly! Your DS sounds lovely and I'm sending you both a hug. Please please don't worry about this.

Thanks Ride and Nigella. I know I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.. But I haven't really met or spent time with that many 3 year olds to really know what it normal. Thanks for your reassurance.

Working: I have now bought that book on my Kindle. It seems interesting.

Yes, and the trouble with going to these things is you ONLY see a sample of the kids who have at least cooperated enough to get there in the first place.

You never see the ones who are being so bloody difficult that their parents have given up on nursery altogether, or quietly removed them from sports day, or are sitting steaming in the car...

... and when you decide that next time you'll be prepared and take him home early, and you've tactfully explained it to the nursery staff, he'll decide that he's going to enter every race, whether it's for his group or not.

Or run halfway down the track and stop to pull his socks up.

Or run with fierce determination, but about ten seconds after the start, and shout for everyone to wait for him because it isn't fair.

Lancelottie: I know I'm fortunate that he loves nursery otherwise. I was terrified when he started nearly 2 months ago that he would not settle in, but he did - very quickly.

The only thing I thought was a bit unfair about the day was that DS's group had to wait for a very long time just sitting down. Some of the other children were getting restless too. The nursery could have simply done the races in alternate turns, saving any one group a not-entirely-age-appropriate waiting time just sitting on the spot. But it seems I'm alone in thinking this, so will shut up from now on. I certainly am not going to be some crazed mother telling everyone to specifically accommodate my son, or give him extra liberties. I just wished that things were a bit better thought out (if a sports day is needed at all). It all seemed a bit haphazard. Never mind, like I said. I will just ignore any other special days like this and be prepared to take DS home as soon as he spots me. No harm done. He doesn't hanker after a (shoddy cardboard ) medal, so why should I care!

I'm not originally from this country, so some things are new and confusing to me, like sports day. In my country nobody would expect to do anything much requiring patience with 3 year olds - they are still considered very little. But, of course, as children here go to school very young, the expectations to conform from a young age are very different. I am now kind of caught up in the middle thinking: Well, he is still very little, but look at what is expected of him by professionals who (should) know better than me.. Ah, well, luckily DS will be nearly 5 when he goes to reception. In my country he would be nearly 7 on entry.

Well, I'm from this country and it completely befuddles me what's going on at nursery half the time, so I thought that was normal?!

Your home country sounds lovely - I wish they started at school later here too.