Tears at nursery sports day - I lost it and feel like shit

[OneSickOctonaut]

So, a nursery 3.5 year old DS has gone to for the last month or so, had a sports day today. He has always been a frustratingly clingy child who will not merrily try things if he is not in the mood, and although I suspected that the moment he saw me and DH he would instantly start crying about wanting us, he surprised me. He waited nicely for his turn at the other side of the field while the other nursery class did 3 races, which took around half an hour.

When it finally was my DS's turn to come to our side of the field, and do his races, he ran off from the gym mats and clung onto me, saying that he didn't want to do any of the races. By then I was quite angry that he had had to wait so long for his turn (why couldn't the classes take it in turns for the races, so that no one class had to wait for absolute ages for their turn, just sitting quietly on the ground?), so told the nursery nurse closest to me that I though the fact that he had to wait so long had put him off, so it was a little bit unfair - then took him home.

On the way back home I had a massive go at him for not even trying to do the races together with me, holding hands (I had suggested that). He was the only child to refuse point blank - wanting to simply go home. I'm now really disproportionally and illogically angry and sad that I didn't see my boy do one measly race and get his little medal like everyone else.

We got some "sympathetic" looks - "oh, look at that shit child with the shit parents". I feel so shit and I'm illogically pissed off at the nursery setting him up to fail. I'm sooo angry at myself for even caring.

Please kick my ass and tell me this is trivial and my child is not shit! He is now having a nap, so must have been exhausted, as well as hungry, but I'm so tired of having "that" child and being "that" parent.

Disclaimer: I'm already somewhat depressed, and going for a review of meds tomorrow. Feel so massively shit. Excuse my rant!

It matters to you and that's it.

Everyone has irrational days; depression does nothing for the perspective and sports days are always tense at that age(for all concerned!)

I don't have any practical advice, but hope that very soon you can make this a funny story and let your DS know how proud you are of him in so many other ways.

It happens to us all at some point, sending you a hug!

and

At the end of the day, he is only 3.5
If he was 6.5, I would be more concerned, but at 3.5, nah.

I very very much doubt that that was what the looks were for. More likely they were trying to be sympathetic. And thinking, another time, that could be me.

I had kids at 5, in full time school that regularly fell asleep at stortime. They were too tired by that time, and couldnt stay awake any longer.
They did that for many months. On buses on school trips etc.

What I am trying to say is that from time to time, everyone's child will embarass its parents' and vice versa.

But they grow up just fine.

Hope you have a nicer evening.
hth

Haha, your son son sounds exactly like me at that age! I was definitely not a "joiner" as a child ( neither someone who wanted to join things nor someone who worked with wood!) but I turned out just fine. Mostly. I'm sure he'll grow out of it by the time he goes to university! Seriously though, if you are already feeling depressed and shitty any little thing that goes 'wrong' will seem massive and insurmountable. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your son sounds lovely and it can be difficult being proportionate when you're down.

Thanks guys. I know it's stupid. I have got no-one apart from DH to rant to, so feel really alone with everything to do with parenting (and parenting fails).

I really shouted at terrified DS

It's not stupid. It's how you feel. And your son will be absolutely fine! I hope things get a bit better for you soon but remember you can always rant here to let off some steam.

Don't worry OP, my DD is always the one crying when other kids are getting together for a lovely group photo etc. It's as if she senses it's time to cooperate and just bloody do it, and suddenly she becomes a wimpy mess.

I'm afraid I've been rather short about it too.

My take on your situation is that, if he was the only one not co-operating, then I don't think you can really blame the nursery. Notch it up to experience, tomorrow's another day and all that. Good luck with your meds.

Well, there was one other boy that was crying all the way through (also in the group that had to wait), but did the races holding his mummy's hand. I was, however, surprised at the patience and calm of most of the other kids. When you're used to walking on eggshells literally ALL the time, that seems rather strange (I'm so envious of those parents!). Then you think: shit maybe it IS me and maybe it IS DS. At the same time, I do think the nursery could have organised the whole thing a bit better.

Fucking hell. I really need something bigger to worry about. It all seems to topple over me at the moment (lots of insecurity about future etc.).

I'm a teacher and a lot if kids find group activities stressful. At the same time, there is a massive focus on 'doing group work' all the time. I think schools often overlook introverted children I suspect some nurseries do the same. Although I teach secondary my sister teaches infants.

I don't think DS has a problem with group stuff when we're not there, but as soon as he sees us, he wants to come to us rather than stay in the group. Also, I do think he must have been bored, tired and hungry by that point, so it will all have contributed.. He can be very sociable if he wants to. My feet are rather aching of all the eggshells I've trodden on during DS's lifetime.. my nerves are shot from trying to think ahead and prevent situations arising.

He's so little, I really wouldn't worry about it. It doesn't matter if a 3 year old wants to run races or not, does it?

When he wakes up tell him you're sorry for shouting at him and you love him. Give him a big cuddle and go and do something nice together.

What kinds of situations are you trying to preempt? Are your worries definitely real or is your depression exacerbating them? I suffer from depression myself and at times I can worry a lot about things unnecessarily.

I will do that. He's just woken up.. Thanks for your support, everyone.

If it's any consolation my DS would have acted exactly the same and my OH would have been embarrassed and livid but I've just come to accept that is just the way he currently is. Some children simply don't want to participate and would rather sit with their parents.My OH claims I have made him this way, but I have not done anything different than I did with my DD who has always happily joined in and been fiercely independent.

I'm sure you will look back at this incident in several years time and wonder what you were worrying about. Just a word of warning ,school sports days are very badly organised and this does not improve as your child moves up the school. In the past I have taken time off work to watch and have been amazed by the madness that enfolded. If you go with very low expectations you will not be disappointed.

I definitely agree with the sports day comment! As a secondary school teacher, I dread them and try to avoid being involved whenever possible! I don't deal well
with badly organised things!

My ds was in the nursery play and ballet recital thing when he was about your ds's age. He spent the play edging further and further to the back of the stage and when it came to the ballet thing, all the colour drained from his face and I thought he was going to vomit! He burst into tears and came running for me.

I too felt awful, embarrassed and a little cross (irrationally). We took him home.

He is now 10 and takes part in everything! He is in a drama group and regularly takes part in performances etc. he loves it.

Don't beat yourself up. He's only little. No one with an ounce of sense will judge you. This too will pass. Take it from someone who was where you are now and wishes she'd cut herself more slack along the way.

Umm.. just trying to foresee and prevent circumstances that would be hard, and in all unavoidable/desirable circumstances trying to make sure that everything goes smoothly.

DS has always been super grumpy and champion whinger, which really gets me down at times. He protests all the time and seems a lot more easily tired than other kids (he has no medical problems). All this makes visiting the few friends I have and doing dance classes (he loves dancing)/toddler groups quite stressful for me, as I try to make sure DS has a good time (doesn't get bored, hungry, whatever) while trying to make sure he doesn't get away with bad behaviour. I try to listen to my friends while visiting them, but half of my mind is occupied by something like "soon he is going to have a fit about something, wonder if he needs a snack .. would he eat some of those grapes, no they're too old-looking.. oh, no, how can I persuade him to share his aeroplane with X? I could try to distract him with that train there.. " .

If he wasn't a PFB, I don't think I would be so preoccupied with this stuff, but he is. He is also likely to be our only, because he is such hard work.

I mean, at times he is good, and he is certainly getting better all the time, but it's still quite stressful.

If its any consolation, at the Xmas nursery performance it was the nursery teacher's dc who ran off the stage to her mummy in the audience, and she (the teacher/mum) lost it big time - I guess through embarrassment. It can happen to anyone x

That was a reply to TV, btw.

Thanks everyone! It's nice to know DS is not the only sports day shunner.. I probably compare DS too much with children endowed with totally different temperaments, which isn't fair. I just worry too much about everything.

My dd used to refuse to leave my side at parties up to about age 6. I used to get irrationally annoyed as I wanted to sneak outside for a crafty fag. Which makes me a really shit parent.

Sorry you had a bad day. This too will pass.

It's just hard to be the one with an awkward, fussy eating, whiny child still in (mostly) in nappies at 3.8. You do wonder if it's your parenting.

We've all felt like this. There's another thread on here at the moment entitled (probably unhelpfully) something like "do you ever feel disappointed with your children..." which tells a very similar tale. She gets a bit more of a bashing than you do OP but there are some sanctimonious people around.

DS was being very normal and you were being very normal if unhelpful. Sometimes one is fed up and grumpy and irrational and sometimes the wrong people get the force of that. It's totally trivial. Your child is not shit. we're all "that" parent with "that" child some days.

Agree with other posters that the looks were likely to have been of sympathy. If I'd been there that's what mine would have been.

Exit: Teehee.. well, at times I've actually considered taking up smoking! I already have a very expensive diet coke habit.

I think a lot of my latest parenting insecurities arise from having had a very critical friend, who demanded I parent DS in a certain way (same way as her's), so that it wouldn't be unfair on her DS (completely different temperament). She snorted at my DS still using his pushchair a lot half a year ago, because her DS would walk for like 10 miles a day quite happily. She also wanted me to stop giving DS snacks while we were out together, as that would mean that her DS would want some (I was willing to share, but she didn't like that). Also, she was always going on about her under 2 year old potty training, while DS was nowhere near ready. She was always telling me how DS's whining and grumpiness would really get on her nerves if DS was hers, and how lucky she was to have a DS with such a nice personality.. etc. etc.

So, as a result, I'm now paranoid about what other people think about us, and questioning whether I am doing anything right.

Try not to take it to heart. All kids have their moments and if your DS is naturally clingy it was bound to come out at something as overwhelming as a sports day - completely normal behaviour and every child you saw today will have been uncooperative in public at some point.

If it helps my DDs latest moment was in a foreign airport on transfer day with the entire queue waiting and worrying about missing fights whilst she flat refused to go through the scanner/archway thing. I even scooped her up and 'threw' her through, only for her to run back again!

Sounds like nursery need to lower their expectations a bit too. Have a or even and forget about it - every other parent there will have done already.

My 3 yr old probably wouldn't sit on the mat, let alone race!
The Christmas play had one and two yr olds in it and he was the only one to cry and run to daddy.