Carers of family members with BPD\MH issues - are you out there?

[floramckitchen]

Hi - I have an 18 yo dd who is a recently diagnosed BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) sufferer. I am coping as best I can and working full time but could do with some support from some fellow carers.

I have had some brilliant advice on the Borderline Personality Disorder thread (thankyou SirBoob and Heffa) but feel we could all support each other in times of crisis.

I'm glad she's there (although not under these circumstances iyswim) because hopefully she will now get whatever it is that will help her.
I'm caring for my parents so not really any real life support around. But I'm ok. It's so nice to be able to come on here and just read and know that people understand and I'm not alone xxx

Yes, I understand how you feel. It will force a situation where her problems will have to be addressed and taken seriously.

I think all the ladies on here give excellent support and they have helped me a lot with tips and advice and general hand holding.

You are definitely not alone!

Oh lily I'm sorry she's so poorly but yes, in crisis situations the help does seem more accessible all of a sudden so hopefully some good will come of this. X

I've failed her

Of course you haven't x
We all try our best but we can't 'fix' them. Take care of yourself

Hi lily

How is your sister doing ?

I've had a funny few days with dd so haven't been on the laptop for a few days.

Hope everybody is having good weekend x

Hi all. It's all gone very quiet on here, hoping its because everyone is having a bit of quieter and calmer times. We seem to be here still. DD finished with her boyfriend last week and is still very happy at college, fitting in and moving on. I am relaxing a bit but still waiting for the drop in happiness which I hope never comes again but who knows! She is on 200mg sertraline which is the highest dose apparently and wanted to go to a party in the week which was postponed thank god! That would have been a sleepless night for me (she wanted to stay over!) and was going to try and see how alcohol affected her! Sigh! Still have that to come then!

Hi Sky

Glad that all is well with your dd!

I don't know where to start with mine - she's started having feinting fits and collapsing (but not blacking out) and says she feels like she is having an 'out of body experience'. Very scary.

However she has started seeing a new psychotherapist (nhs) and also a college course. She applied for a part time job too but didn't get a call back which resulted in hysterics and me having to come home from work to sort her out.

Its not really getting any better and I worried about this collapsing thing. Lucky I was with her.

Sky sounds positive, long may it last!
Flora that's scary, I hope you and she get some answers?
Still plodding on here, placement is still being sorted out, dd is getting more and more down and I've just got off the phone to her screaming at me to get her out of hospital as they are all devils managed to calm her down after a while.
I'm having some now.

Hi
I haven't been on here for a while. How is everyone?

My dd is still having her funny out of body fainting episodes. The gp suspected diabetes or anemia but the blood tests were normal. Back we go to the gp on Monday to find out what happens next.

Flo

Could it be anxiety Flora?
Things are still ticking along here, dd is visiting her placement next week - I'm a bit concerned about their abilities to cope with her but we will have to wait and see.
Hope everyone is ok!

Hi Moxie

I think it could be stress related tbh - she says that while its happening its like an out of body feeling and she actually collapses although she doesn't pass out or have a seizure.

Fingers crossed about your dd's placement.

Hi Flora. Not sure if you are still chatting, but I hope you are ok. I am only new here, and your story touched me. I have a19 yr old Daughter with depression and over eating issues. I feel for the helplessness you feel. I feel it too. I hope you have found something that works for her. For us, fluoxetine and therapy helped, but the underlying issues with bullying will , I think haunt her forever. I know it sound impossible, but you need to try and look after yourself, because I didn't for a while and became depressed myself. It is hard to be strong all the time. Stay as strong as you can. Xx

Hi Leebux

Thanks for your comments. I don't think anybody really realises how much damage that bullying can do. My daughter takes fluoxetine but the gp thinks it might be causing the fainting attacks - she is still on it but persevering because she is feeling some positive effects. She also had a letter today inviting her to a weekly group therapy session which is run by her psychiatrist at the hospital.

How is your daughter now? Is she at work or uni\college?

I am doing my best to be strong and positive - although my weight continues to drop. I'm eating ok so I think its probably stress! Going to work helps me a lot because it gets me away from the negative atmosphere at home. I'm sure if I was at home all the time I would end up with depression myself.

Take care

How is everyone?
Dd moved to her new placement today. Her primary nurse from the hospital was in tears apparently! They are all very fond of her.
Her new placement is fully staffed with nurses as well as care workers and they see a private psychiatrist once a week.
I'm nervous for her but also cautiously hopeful.

Hi everyone. Wow just been trawling through your messages and you could be describing my 14 year old daughter. She hasn't been diagnosed with BPD but I'm really sure that is what she has. She has just gone into an adolescent psych unit for the 3rd time this year and I'm still on tender hooks waiting to see if she can stay in the local unit or if she is going to be transferred because of lack of beds. I'm very sad to hear how you have been suffering with your girls but it is nice to have finally found others that I can chat/moan with. Tired from a traumatic day but will definitely read this link and stay in touch. Thx px

Hi Boofie

Sorry to hear that your dd is going through this horrible time. Hopefully she will be able stay in your local unit to make it easier for you to visit and for her to have home leave. I will have my fingers crossed for you.

BPD is such a hard thing for us mums to cope with and its so easy to get stressed out ourselves and become exhausted and ill. We just have to be there for them and be as supportive as possible,

Keep posting whenever you feel like it.

I'm sitting here wondering where the hell my dd is. She's not answering her phone again and I have a bad feeling.

take care
Flo

Thanks Flo for your supportive message. As I'm new to the forum thought I'd give you a brief history. Things with D have been gradually deteriorating since she started secondary school. Mostly problems with friendships, school refusal, self harming etc. in April she was admitted to the psych unit for the first time after a picture that she had put on Instagram went viral and she was so distressed that she deliberately walked onto a railway line on the way to school. After coming out of hospital we tried home schooling as she refused to go back to school but she soon got fed up with that as she was bored being at home with me (I had to give up work). School holidays were a nightmare as she got in with a bad crowd. Fifi can totally relate to your thread about worrying when they run away and don't answer the phone. She would threaten that she was going to London to sleep rough and I would be in a complete state of anxiety although she never actually did it. She also told me she wanted a baby and was trying to get pregnant. Terrifying and as a parent you don't even have the right to make them take a contraceptive. Inevitably it ended in disaster and another suicide attempt so back to psych ward for a month. Complete waste of time, she had no treatment and picked up ideas from other children. Since September she has been having tutoring at home but has no real friends, only virtual ones. Last Thursday she attempted suicide again so back to A & E . However she did know of a Facebook friend that was also going into the ward so a dark part of me wonders whether the whole suicide thing was engineered so she could meet up with her friend. She seems relatively happy in the unit watching tv and chatting to her friend although now she suddenly seems to be hearing voices much like her friend, hmmmm. I'm feeling exhausted from the driving to and fro from the unit, the roller coaster phone calls and her younger sister has been very upset and tearful.

I am now seriously considering a therapeutic community or school as this is the 3rd secondary school she has attended and has made up her mind she is not going back to it. Academically she is quite bright and could do ok if her education didn't keep getting disrupted. Can anyone give me any advice or recommendation please?????? I see that Moxie girl and Tonightsthe... might have some experience.

Lastly, thank you Cairngorms for your link. It is so nice to read that there is hope as sometimes I despair about her future. Sorry for essay will keep it shorter next time. Boogie

Frustrating day. Have been told by the psych in the hospital unit that my D has all the signs of BPD but that they don't diagnose it in the UK under 18 yrs old. She also said that DBT would be useful but that it isn't funded in our area on the NHS so I would have to arrange for it privately. Does anyone know if I am in my rights to go to a different CAMHS that might fund DBT? They've also said that they will discharge D tomorrow as her suicide attempts are behavioural rather than a mental illness. Already had 2 enraged calls from my D screaming down the phone saying she will commit suicide as soon as she gets home. Feel sick thinking about tomorrow and need a stiff drink. Boogie

Hi Boogie

What a difficult time for you ! My dd has been recommended for DBT on the NHS but there is still no sign of it after nearly a year. Don't know about going to a different CAMHS though - sorry.

How are things today? Is she home yet? are you coping ok?

I am having a difficult day today with my dd - she wont get out of bed and is talking about 'solving her problems for good'. She is very aggressive and difficult to reach - its like she hates me.

Its all such bloody hard work.

Flo

Hi Flo.

Yes it is all very wearing isn't it particularly when they are being aggressive and nasty. I sometimes feel like I'm constantly being bullied in my own home. I guess just try and hold on to the fact that she doesn't really mean it, easy to say.

I spent yesterday in a real state of anxiety about picking d up from the unit and then when I got there the staff had changed their minds and decided to keep her in as a longterm patient. Initially it was a bit of a relief and last night had a relaxing evening but now back to that gnawing anxiety as to whether I'm doing the right thing by keeping her in the unit.Last time she stayed in for 3 1/2 weeks and only saw a psychologist for 1 1/2 hours in that time and had no group therapy so it was a waste of time.

I did find out that the Maudsley Hospital in London provide a DBT programme for adolescents and their families and patients can be referred by their GP or CAMHs. Mentioned it to the psychiatrist who started flapping about lack of funding but I think I might start making a bit of a fuss and see if that gets us anywhere.

Hope you have a better day today Flo.
Bw Boogie

Hi again Boogie

Why did they keep your dd in? How long do they reckon she will be in for? I must admit it does seem pointless to keep her in long term if she isn't going to get any treatment while she is there.

I think it would be worth kicking up a bit of a fuss to get the DBT - the only problem is that if your dd doesn't engage with it its not really going to help either.

My dd has tried various councellors but never really opens up and doesn't really try any of the techniques they suggest. Its very frustrating!

I've just changed dd's bed and hidden under the pillows were two packs of paracetamol, a razor blade, lots blood stained tissues and a notebook. I didn't read the notebook but put all the stuff back under the pillow minus the paracetamol. She will probably go nuts when she gets in but she is so rarely out of bed it seemed like a golden opportunity to change it. I'm regretting it now.

She is out at the moment - gone to see a friend so me and dh are having a peaceful evening.

I must admit that this is the hardest time of my life so far - its like dd is an emotional vampire that sucks all the joy out of life. I know she is ill but its wearing me out now.

Anyway - back to my vodka

Flo

Hi Flo. You are a kindred spirit. I quite often need a vodka at the end of the day to get me through. Making sure of course that I then carefully hide the vodka afterwards so that my d can't get to it.

My d sounds so similar. She is a magpie and Im always finding tablets, sewing pins, scissors hidden away. It is impossible to keep them safe though however careful you are. When d came out on a visit the other night I thought I had locked everything dangerous away and then she found a pencil sharpener unscrewed the blade and used that. It's a bit sad but I'm now quite numb to the cutting and blood stained tissues it is the tablets that really stress me out.

Apparently, the last stay at the hospital was just for assessment - they diagnosed depression - but this time they have promised to treat her. I am quite cynical but just have to hope they do as promised. We too have tried taking d to 2 different CBT counsellors, both of whom she hated and refused to engage with or do any tasks. It is so frustrating isn't it. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't want to change but quite likes being the eternal victim.

When did your d get diagnosed with BPD? Various specialists have told me that they think 'BPD' is in the mix but say they will not diagnose under 18 so it then gets difficult to insist on treatment. We are in Essex as well near Brentwood, can you recommend any services near you?

I hope you have a drama free weekend.
Boogie

Hi Boogie

dd got diagnosed with BPD this April - she was 18 at that time. We live in Billericay and all her treatment has been under Basildon Hospital apart from a short spell with a private psychotherapist that did more harm than good and also a disastrous hypnotherapy session.

I think Mind at Brentwood have a good reputation but I'm not sure if its really for over 18's rather than children. My dd would not entertain more than one visit there but I think they can be very helpful to carers too and may be able to recommend local services.

Take care

Flo

Hi All and Flo and Boogie,

I've read your posts over the last few days but haven't had the time to write myself. I'm so sorry Flo that life isn't getting easier,...I'm on the mulled wine tonight (vodka yesterday!). I do try to remember the wise words of sijeunessesavait and have to retain some hope! I'm finding this run-up to Christmas particularly hard and am so disorganised about presents, partic for DD who will be disappointed whatever I get as it won't be a laptop. How are you coping with this jolly season?

Things have gone very downhill with mine over the last few days as similar issues to those she had at her last school seem to be happening again, just when I thought it was all going relatively well - nicer peers, warm, friendly school etc. What seems to happen is that after the initial honeymoon period, DD starts be very open about her difficulties which then become too much for her friends to handle and after initially wanting to help, they withdraw and she feels that they've let her down (a classic trait of BPD) Apparently one set of parents has said she is a 'bad influence'...I'm devastated about that and imagine the whispers going round. She is actually a lovely person who destructively defines herself by her illness and that is a burden for others.

Boogie, do PM me if you want to know more about the Maudsley DBT service, I'm not sure how appropriate it is to talk about it on the thread. But as Flo said, the young person has to be motivated. My DD who is doing DBT has definitely engaged more than she did with CAMHS but has nevertheless missed probably 40% of her sessions. It is incredibly frustrating when you know that it could be helpful. I think so much of this is about coming to terms with a fact that they have to work to change the way they deal with/respond to ups and downs - there is no magic wand -but that's the hard part.

Love Fifi