Carers of family members with BPD\MH issues - are you out there?

[floramckitchen]

Hi - I have an 18 yo dd who is a recently diagnosed BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) sufferer. I am coping as best I can and working full time but could do with some support from some fellow carers.

I have had some brilliant advice on the Borderline Personality Disorder thread (thankyou SirBoob and Heffa) but feel we could all support each other in times of crisis.

Tonight's- thank you for your posts, you are inspiring and very helpful!
Welcome igotaway
Fifi I'm sorry you are feeling like this, it's all too much isn't it.
My dd is in high dependency in her psych unit on and off as her self harm ing has severely deteriorated - I'm thinking long term hospital if things don't improve. Off to see her tomorrow- it's very difficult when her little sisters ask why her arms are all cut

Thank you for your kind words. Im sorry that it is through such an awful diagnosis that we have ccommon ground.

flora I would imagine that speaking to her may put her on the spot. She may feel ashamed/embarrassed/guilty and that her personal space has been invaded. For me that would be very overwhelming. I think you need to consider what you are hoping to get from having the conversation, what benefits might there be. I guess your hope is that eventually she could stop cutting but I cant envisage how mentioning the knife will help that aim. Removing sharps seems sensible but from experience, if you need to cut you will find a way. If the knife is dirty/rusty I would maybe consider a conversation about a safer way to cut. I would make sure your daughter has access to what she needs to keep wounds clean etc.

moxie
Im sorry to hear your daughter is struggling so badly. What is the hospital like? Does she receive much in the way of occupational therapy/talking therapy? What makes you think a long term admission is inevitable/helpful?

DD is back.

Tonights I read your post about your parents and it really touched me. I have felt angry with DD. Thank you for what you have written.

More later.Feeling a bit exhausted!

Just wanted to check in as another survivor who is cured - as I no longer fulfill 5 of the 9 criteria and have been free from this diagnosis for 5 years now.

Although I'm not a size 10 international sports woman!

I do however have a husband, 2 beautiful children and internal peace which I once thought would never be possible for me.

I had extensive Schema Therapy which cost a bomb, thank god for private insurance as it ran in to the tens of thousands. I also had a dazzling array of anti-psychotics and AD's but was free of meds for over 7 years. I've just gone back on AD's 2 weeks ago but I think that's due to stress I currently have due to moving house rather than any underlying problem!

To the lady whose daughter is currently all systems go about going back to university - I don't want to piss on your parade, but please understand that she might change her mind another 20 times over the next few years. Impulsive acts are what we do!

I do wish you all the very best - if it's any consolation the people most likely to be cured of BPD are "middle-class white girls"- which is a bit shit, but that's just the way it is.

All your children sound very "high functioning" and this is very encouraging as too many BPD women fall between the cracks and end up with quite a "different set of life circumstances".

Hi Cairngorms good to hear you are 'at peace' because isn't that the most important thing? That's dd's main thing, such a troubled soul and always searching for something or someone that might give her happiness.
Fifi glad she is home, not surprised you are exhausted. I come on here want to answer lots to everyone then I lose the plot and forget what I'm saying!
Tonight's- I think because she is so fixated in wanting to die and it just doesn't ever seem to let up. She is in an adolescent unit and does have therapy, lots of intensive nursing etc but talking therapy has never helped much (too early to say with the dbt) her asd makes her very literal and she always ends up cross with therapists who just do talking!
She will be going to a placement of some sort, it just depends on whether it's hospital or a res school. Cambian came to assess her for one of their res schools but she was too unwell to talk to them.
The combination of asd/bpd just seems to floor her, she can't cope with more than a day or so in the real world now- already dreading Christmas! Last year we had to call 999 on Boxing Day as she went psychotic and delusional and it was very scary for her. And us. All the professionals have said she needs 24 hour care in a therapeutic setting.
Off to see her today we are having a picnic in the hospital garden so hoping the rain stays away

Moxie, Im so sorry she is so unwell, it must be heartbreaking for you and all of your family. Im sorry too, my questions seem very insesitive now. The reason I asked though wad I had a long admission at 19, maybe 6 months but I was in an acute adult ward. My parents thought it best because I too was relentless in my efforts to die. They were terrified so thought it best. In retrospect it was the worst place for me. There was no therapy, it was just a holding pen and I got worse not better. I was exposed to a lot and my damaging coping strategies ramped up a notch. It seems though that your daughter is getting much more helpful and appropriate care. I do some work for the trust now as a service user and i always express my concern that adult psych wards are no help for young bpd sufferers who get stuck there.

I know several girls who have gone into therapeutic communities and it has changed their lives. However desperate it may seem, there is a part of your daughter thay wants to live and therefore there is hope.
The thing you said about searching is so accurate, I really pray ypur daughter is able to find that something to give her some peace.
Its sunny here right now so hoping you enjoy your picnic.

Weather held out and we are on our way back now as the little ones tend to get a bit manic after a few hours there, dd always suggests we leave them there with her! She seemed reasonably calm today and we had a nice time.
Your question tonight's was fine and I totally understand as I have my worries too, her self harming got much worse after going into a psych ward but at one point it was so bad but she wasn't sectionable- ss had to apply for a court order for a secure unit. She had taken 3x od's in 2 weeks and this was at a res school! She is now on her second long term stay (section 3)but luckily children and adolescents at least fare a bit better in that they aren't left to stagnate as much- my xh was admitted several times to an adult ward and they did nothing for him.
Dd is very responsive to animals and I'm hoping she's well enough eventually to go to a therapeutic community with a farm- the res school she was at before the od's worked well for a while, she had jobs on the farm and she loved it. Unfortunately the care as a whole was not robust enough there.

Hi all

I am reserving judgement about dd's college\uni enthusiasm. It all seems a bit unreal. It's how I would imagine a bipolar high would be.

I wont mention the Stanley knife to her. I never really mention the SH even if I do notice it ALL the time!

She has gone to stay over with her sister tonight so at least I can do my own thing - its a shame that she has to be out of the house for me to feel like I can watch tv or even have a conversation with dh. I'm off duty tonight!

Hi everyone- I haven't read through the whole thread and hope it's ok to do this- my sister has bpd and I care for her and have been for about 2 years now.

Hi behib!
Have a good evening Flora x

thanks moxie

I'm watching x factor ! highlight of the day.

Hi behib - welcome to the thread ! How have you found caring for your sister. Two years is a long time - has she had any therapy? if so has it helped her or you?

You will find lots of support and helpful advice from all the posters on here.
Take care all x

Hi sorry it's behib I have name changed to my old name.
Yeah it is difficult she is my older sister and she has had some therapy but nothing seems to touch it iyswim.
It is very difficult at the moment.
Xx

hi lily

Sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult patch with your sister. I know it can feel like a thankless task at times when you're trying your best and your dd/dsis just seems to be getting worse.
Sometimes therapy doesn't seem the right thing for a bpd sufferer because it seems like if it doesn't work then the patient thinks she has 'failed' again! and then it becomes another thing for them to beat themselves up about,

Just hang on in there - you are doing a brilliant job in caring for your sister.

Flo x

Hi flo yeah it is difficult, she was really suicidal last night it was very hard to deal with.
It's hard to know how to go about helping; I feel useless and a bit too young or unexperienced but I guess you can never be ready for something like this.
Thank you for your reply xxx

Hi lily
Apologies if you know all this.....

If your sister is suicidal you can take her to a&e at your local hospital and get her the help she needs. You shouldn't try and face it on your own. What about your sisters gp? can you get her an emergency appointment tomorrow? I do feel for you - its hard enough for me at 46!

Take care
Flo

Hi flo
My sister is scared to go to a and e when she is feeling suicidal as she has a son and thinks he will be taken off her.
Also yesterday when she was feeling suicidal she wouldn't let me come in (she has a security gate that I didn't have the fob for)
It is very difficult isn't it.
xxx

Hi ladies,
Back again
Special thanks to tonightsthekindofnight - and an apology. Your post of your description of your feelings is exactly the same as DS. I sincerely hope by writing it all down hasn't caused any wounds to open and cause you distress, but yes yes to all of it.

I have taken in all that you said about your parents and I have done all that I can I think. I was the one who instigated treatment for him and I do do all the things you wanted for yourself. We discuss for hours his feelings, I take him everywhere with me, even Tesco's!!, because he wants to come with me, if I just 'pop-out' he will come with me. So yes we do all that kind of stuff.

What I can't get to grip with is is when he is completely down, I can't get through to him - when he stares into space and the tears are rolling. This is the part that is heart breaking.

If you read some of my other posts, you will read about his self medication, which I am glad to say he has stopped, but by stopping he is in 'eternal hell'. His type of self medication numbed the chaos for a while. Where is ad's don't do a thing.

We will have to keep plodding on now until something breaks. He doesn't want anymore treatment as all hope has been exhausted for him he says. He DID have hope, but 'they' let him down. There is only me left.

I will try and get a copy of the book you suggested, many many thanks for your input and once again I hope you were not upset by my questions.

A dramatic weekend with dd getting put into handcuffs- staff had taken her to the emergency dentist and she wouldn't go back to the unit, walking in front of cars so they called police
However, a possible place that actually looks pretty good has been found - a therapeutic community for 13-21 year old females who self harm and have risky behaviours etc. they are assessing her tomorrow!

Oh Moxie, I'm so sorry, feel for you and hope that if she gets this placement it may be something more positive for her and you.

xx

Hello to everyone new and sorry I haven't been around for a while. I have tried to catch up on everyone's news and am so sorry Moxie that it came to the police.

All seems calm here at the moment - today she had been discharged from the Unit and handed over the adult MHT with an adult CPN. This is due to the fact that she didn't like the last CAMHS lady and CAHMS have said that as she is 18 next April she may as well go to the adult team now. I have met the CPN today, DD didn't come as she was at college, and she seems nice. DD will meet her tomorrow.

As far as College is going all is well and she managed to get changed in the changing room. She has visited Butlins as a large group and seems to have made lots of friends. Not from very close sadly but still friends. She is even talking about having an 18th birthday party.

I am still on tenter hooks watching her every mood - I wonder when that will stop .

I will keep popping on here now and then to see how you all are and am still not convicned all will coming crashing down round our ears and we will be back!

Hi all

Lily - How is your sister doing? Did you manage to get her to the gp or a&e?

Moxie - any news about your dd's new placement?

DD got a letter from the psychiatrist saying that he has referred her for DBT!!! Not sure when it starts but at least I know she is finally going to get some relevant help. Fingers crossed that she engages with it !

Hi Flora,
My sister tried to commit suicide yesterday.
She is currently in intensive care.
Thank you for checking. Please keep her in your thoughts.
xx

Sky that all seems positive but I understand the tenterhooks thing, whenever xh seemed fine I was watching closely for signs! Hopefully things are now on the up for you both in general.
Flora that's great news! Hopefully it will help her.
Dd had her assessment today and is back out of the high dependency bit. I haven't managed to get through to her yet on her phone but her lead nurse said it went well and they will know the outcome Monday.
Hope everyone else is having a nice non eventful time of things !
Lily how is your sister and igotaway hope you and ds are ok.

I meant to say- flo that's really good news about your dd. I hope she can really get some proper help now.
Moxie- she is in a critical state but is currently stable xx x

Oh Lily!

I am so sorry hear that- I know that intensive care is a stressful and scary place to be. Whether your a patient or a relative.
Have you got any real life support?
I will certainly keep your sister in my thoughts and will be thinking of you too.

Take care of yourself
Flora x