Really worried but don't want to offend others again

[Doorly]

I posted a message the other day (under a different name - I am paranoid) and one of the replies very nicely told me that my post was unacceptable because of the suicidal thoughts/methods I had mentioned may be distressing for other people. MNHQ deleted that post for me.
So, I will try not to upset/offend others but I am desperately worried about my mental health atm.
I have just changed meds and have never ever, after suffering from depression for many years felt this desperate.
My GP has given me some diazapam to try and get over the next few days but 6 days later I still feel hopeless.
I currently cannot leave the house this relates to suicidal thoughts so wont go into detail. Being at home is somewhat safer although not completely.
I am really worried about how I can keep myself safe atm, I have no immediate plans to do anything silly but there is a voice in my head telling me otherwise, if that doesn't sound to bizzare.
I know I am going to have to go back to the gp but hate hate hate this attention, the feelings of failiure, the worries about what the future holds.
I cannot talk to my family, my dh and dc know to a superfical level how poo things are atm
Can I just talk on here please.

Can you talk to a doctor OP would you feel comfortable? I think it really important that you do

Can you phone The Samaritans? Sounds like you need help & I'm not sure us posters are best qualified to give that help. Obviously we're all here & you're not alone, but The Samaritans (08457 90 90 90 am assuming you're in the UK) or Mind 0300 123 3393 might offer better advice.

Would you like to say how or why you feel a failure?
I am not a medical person btw, so not sure how much help I can be.

You are more than welcome to talk on here!

We will always listen.

Also do give the Samaritans a call.

And do remember, you can always call 999 if things get too much and you feel you can't control your thoughts/feelings anymore. Suicidal thoughts are treated as an emergency and will help you get yourself back in the right place.

It would be a good idea to go back to your GP.

Thanks for the samaritans suggestion, I may do it tomorrow when it's quieter here.
I know I need to go back to the docs, never in a million years thought i'd say this but really do wonder if I need to be in a place of safety.
This is killing me , I am an intensively private person and cannot abide people (obviously not on here) family and friends knowing my buisness or problems

You can talk on here Doorly.

You've put a disclaimer in your title and so others know not to read if it will trigger them.

You need to be able to talk - on here is the first step to being able to talk in real life.

No one will judge you here, we only want to give you support.

Speak to the Samaritans tomorrow. They'll be able to advise you on where to go from here. Don't hold back, you need to be able to get the best help you can and they will be able to advise you on that.

I just want to send you a massive hug - I know how you feel and some unconditional love is coming your way from me

Hi Doorly I was on the thread you mention and tbh didn't think you'd said anything that anyone who's had suicidal thoughts wouldn't have already thought of to be honest.

Glad you've started this one though and please say whatever you need to. I do hope you go back to your docs soon as 6 days feeling so bad with diazepam is something they should be aware of.

It is hard being open about this stuff. I would also second the Samaritans. I have called them and they were lovely and very helpful.

Take care of yourself, and hang in there for you and your DSs sake. He needs you. I hope if SS do get in touch they can actually provide you with some support. Hang in there.

Thank you xx
I thought the samaritans only offered a listening ear. not advice, i've never contacted them before though so that's only from what ive heard on here.
Colouring, that message on the other thread really upset me, I know the poster has her own struggles as tbh many people do on here but to single my post out when many on others on mn talk about suicidal ideation and remain, just made me feel a shitter.
Did I post about ds, can't even remember?
Anyway, things have got rather hairy this weekend, i'm staying in now.
Everything just feels like it is out of control and as a control freak that is scary.
Plus the fact it is h/t, putting the happy smiley face on is not easy.
Genuinely thank you for all the responses

Doorly, just wanted to say that if you don't feel like physically talking to someone, you can also put your thoughts down in an email to the Samaritans (there's a link on their webpage you can click on if you'd rather send an email). I have done this several times in the past as I find it easier to write things than to speak to people and I got a response to each of my emails quite quickly. Also, it was helpful to keep re-reading the comforting words when I felt down. Please keep posting and know that people are thinking of you.

I feel that I need to say that there are a number of people with MH issues who are private people.
Ideally, opening up to people helps.
Do you think you will get judged if you open up at all?

doorly I think you were unlucky that your post was picked up on in the way it was. Try and put it behind you - tho I do understand how hard that is when you're feeling so vulnerable.
Samaritans are good at listening and for me they helped unravel the torment in my head.

I agree with ilike in that being very private can ultimately prove unhelpful with depression. Even finding one person you can open with. Samaritans can be a good starting point.

No you didn't post about ds - do you want to talk about him? Hope you manage to get some rest and ideally sleep t tonight and are able to get on the phone to your doc tomorrow x

Doorly, I'm not qualified to comment on your mental health. Other people here can do that.

I do know that if you genuinely feel that you are at risk of harming yourself you need to take yourself to A&E, or if you don't think you can get there safely, dial 999.

Are you with family?

No. i'm not at risk atm, lougle yes dh and children are ,here sad really that I can't open up to my dh of many years or any of my family, hate the attention.
I am a bit more open with my gp and have been relatively stable on meds for the last few months but with a really limited quality of life and nasty side effects. The thought of trying something different was really appealing, hopefully once that gets into my system then things will be better.
The really intrusive thoughts do lessen with the diazapam, which is very comforting.
Thanks for listening again, you would not believe how reassuring it is just to have people who reply.

Hi, I remember your other thread. I recently had a similar situation when I changed from ADs from Citalopram to Fluoxetine. It was hell on legs. Doc has now changed me back again.
It served to show me how much the meds can affect our brains. Please remember that - what you're feeling may not be as real as it seems to be. Go back and see your GP - write down how you feel if it will help you to articulate it to them. See what they say. It may be that a change if meds is what's needed - maybe these new ones aren't suiting you.
I have insomnia tonight so may be here a while if you need a chat.

do you have a CPN? have you had any dealings with the crisis team? you may need more direct help - what meds are you on besides diazapam?

don't feel bad about yourself.it can be so hard to cope.Just one day at a time.Each day can be better than others. xxWish you luck and health xx

I am on day 6 of mirtazapine (side effect = sleep my arse!)
Go onto 30mg on wed, just that and the diaz, have just come off 300mg of venlafazine.
No cpn/crisis team has even been mentioned.
Empross, I hope you are finding being back on the other meds helpful?
Thank you feeling, hopefully today will be better.

have you actually told your gp how bad you are feeling?

i would contact the hospital for the crisis teams number - what other meds have you tried?

it can sometime take a bit of experimenting to find the right AD, but it sounds like you could do with more support than your currently have.
thats what hte crisis team are there for.
call A&E and get the number - and be honest with them about the thoughts you are having.
hopefully they will swing into action....but you need to speak to them.

Hi Doorly. Sorry to hear you're feeling so rubbish (understatement sorry, half asleep).. Would definitely see GP talk to them, they will be able to help. And please don't feel like you're being judged...we all have our problems and bad times, and it's very brave asking for help and support. Also contact Samaritans if feeling especially desperate (or in general, you don't have to be suicidal to ring).. But you're doing the right things so just keep on going, things will get better (overused phrase I know). So keep posting on here, and PM me if you need.

Vicar, no I haven't spelt out how bad things are this time, although have not felt this bad before. I have been most other ad's over the years, the mirtaz is a bit of a last chance saloon.
I am not going to phone the crisis team tonight because I am safe for now but will go and see my gp and try really hard to be as truthful as possible. Thank you for your help.
Sugar thanks re the samaritans suggestion and kind words someone posted earlier that you can email them which I have done tonight.
I suppose ultimately I need to be prepared to be bruterly honest with doc and also to talk to my family, see even just writing that my anxiety level is bubbling away madly.

Hope you are feeling better this morning.

Well I went to see a different gp in the practice this morning and was about as honest as I could be.
I have to go back on fri, according to the notes he wrote on the screen I am lucid and coherent!
No change in meds, I did ask if there was anything I could have for the anxiety/ intrusive thoughts but that was a no, presumably because I have had the 5 days of diazapam.
Depending on how I present on fri he will consider the crisis team, wtf does the crisis team do does anyone know?
We did briefly discuss the local psych hospital but having worked there in the past I would rather not, it is a terrifying place.
Quietly, that is a really reasurring way of thinking about things, thank you.
LF, I did have my phone ready to show him the email I sent the samaritans but chickened out :(
I only slept last night for a couple of hours and that was very broken with nasty nightmares so I am knackered, may try and have a snooze children permitting.
Thank you again, you have all been so nice and helpful