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Original poster

I feel so, so sad.

47 replies

Greensleeves · 28/04/2006 10:55

That's it, really. I have people I could phone in real life but I just choke when I try to talk, I can't face a real conversation. I feel griefstricken, as though someone has died. I can't listen to music because it just makes my chest implode with sadness. I know it's a beautiful sunny day but I just can't feel it. I do suffer from depression, I'm on ADs, I control my depression pretty well usually, but this is different. I remember feeling like this in the holidays from boarding school, I was so overpoweringly unhappy I couldn't speak, music made me feel sick, I couldn't eat or cry or anything, I used to lie on the sofa with my face turned to the wall for hours and just "survive", waiting for the pain to stop. I had a huge panic attack last night, first time in ages I've had a proper one.

I haven't been in this dark pit for a long time. I don't know how to get out. I feel as though someone has opened an invisible door in the world, shoved me outside and closed it again, and I am sitting on a ledge in the middle of nowhere, and if I move I will fall into nothingness.

OP posts:
Feistybird · 28/04/2006 10:59

Greenseelves love, please see someone, this is not going to go away by talking to people on mumsnet (not suggesting that you bugger off mumsnet, just that you need some professional help through this).

You sound sooo sad.

welshmum · 28/04/2006 11:04

I'm no practical use Greensleeves but just wanted to respond to your post. I hope this changes for you very soon.

Bugsy2 · 28/04/2006 11:10

Greensleeves, having been horribly depressed when ex-H left me (standing looking at tube track on way home from work, wondering why I bothered living & wouldn't it be better for everyone if I was dead) - I think that you have slid a bit deeper into depression & that very possibly your ADs should be stepped up.
In the longer term, you might really benefit from proper counselling. I have had some & it has made a huge difference to me.
Big hugs to you. Do you have anyone to help you with your little ones today?

essbee · 28/04/2006 11:17

You're in Exeter too, right? I can be over in around 15 mins if just some company might help. You don't have to talk if you don't want to but you know i'll more than understand what you're going through if you do. If nothing else I can make us a coffee, I've run out of milk here anywat Wink

foundintranslation · 28/04/2006 11:19

Oh Greeny. After having been so very brave recently, taking huge steps in a horrible situation, it's no wonder the latest blow's been a bit too much and you feel you've fallen over the edge.
It's alright (well, it's not alright :(, but ykwim) - you can move, try it just a little, and everything is dark and unspeakably horrible, but there's still that ground underneath your feet. Concentrate on one breath after the other. Each breath pushes those nasty horrible dark walls around you back a micro-millimetre.
I think I agree with Bugsy as far as ADs and counselling are concerned. Can't remember what your GP is like - is s/he sympathetic?
I won't be around for too much longer as we're going as soon as dh comes back with the car, but I'll try and check MN and my email tonight.

Original poster
Greensleeves · 28/04/2006 11:21

Thanks for responding. I've just called to try and see my GP but he's booked up today, and the surgery is closed till Tuesday, so I have to call back on Tuesday morning. I won't really be able to talk to him about it, because the kids will be with me. DS1 is pretty hypervigilant because of all the crap our family has been though lately. I haven't got anyone to help with the kids, having recently broken off contact with my mum, don't have any friends locally because my mum used to take up all my time and energy. I'll manage with the kids though, I seem to be able to act normally when they are around. I've got to go and pick ds1 up from nursery in a minute.

I don't know what's the matter with me, I was coping fine, and then last night I had this huge panic attack, it went on for hours, and today I just feel as though I've died inside.

OP posts:
foundintranslation · 28/04/2006 11:25

The matter is that all coping has its limit. We are not machines (and even machines break down when overloaded). If things are tough, but you've been valiantly holding it together, another thing gping wrong can often bring everything crashing down.

Original poster
Greensleeves · 28/04/2006 12:58

Just got back from picking ds1 up - managed to shut the school gate on someone's hand and couldn't make conversation with any of the other mums, I felt like I was walking through treacle. I'm sure people must have thought "What's the matter with HER?". Still the boys are happily eating their lunch and they don't seem aware anything's wrong, that's the main thing.

Esbee, I really appreciate the offer and I did think about saying "yes, come over", but I really can't face seeing anyone, I keep bursting into tears and my house is a pigsty... I really do want to meet you, though, when I feel normal again - please don't be offended.

The kids will have a nap this afternoon so I'll probably try and clean up a bit and do some washing. Things are bad enough for dh (waiting to find out whether or not he's out of a job) without having to put up with a slovenly, miserable wife too.

OP posts:
MamaG · 28/04/2006 13:03

Feel really Sad for you. Can you ring the Doctors back and say you MUST see someone today? Do you feel strong enough to do that? I've done it once or twice and they have squeezed me in after surgery (albeit with sick 2yo)

If they can, tell the Doc you need to talk to him/her and can someone watch your kids for 5 mins. again, I agree with Bugsy re ADs and counselling.

Sad xxx

Hausfrau · 28/04/2006 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Greensleeves · 28/04/2006 14:23

Phoned the surgery again to try and get an appt this afternoon. The receptionist was a bitch. She said everyone is booked up unless it's a genuine emergency. I wouldn't feel right claiming it was an emergency - someone might need the emergency appt for a child or something, you know what I mean. And I don't really want to talk about stuff in front of the kids anyway.

I don't know what's the matter with me, I don't do this, I have been managing depression and not going under for years. I haven't felt this awful since I had ME. [self-pity emoticon]

OP posts:
sAinTgEOrge · 28/04/2006 14:32

Ring them back and say it is an emergency.

Don't let the receptionist put you off and if the GP even dares to tell you off for insisting, then change GPs.

Please don't let it escalate further. It's a long weekend, you need help now not on Tuesday.

Original poster
Greensleeves · 28/04/2006 14:58

Thanks StG, but I really can't now. DS2 is asleep in his cot and ds1 is about to go up for his nap, I can't drag them all the way to the doctors again now, and I don't want to see a doctor who doesn't know me because I'll have to explain the whole mess in front of the kids. And dh is emailing me every five minutes about his possible redundancy, the atmosphere at work is poisonous and he is really upset. I'll cope till Tuesday.

OP posts:
sAinTgEOrge · 28/04/2006 15:07

OK, but please,please do not try to go through this alone.

Keep posting here so that we can give you support or take to email if you don't want it all over the boards.

I have suffered from depression for years and controlled it for the majority of the time but occasionally it hits me out of nowhere and hits bloody hard.

I am available if you want to talk.

antlxstew @ yahoo .co .uk (remove spaces)

x

Original poster
Greensleeves · 28/04/2006 20:04

Dh wants to talk about the possible redundancy, he wants to analyse the situation in detail, he wants me to go and drink wine with him and support him and listen to his worries. I really want to be there for him and support him, but I am just sitting here like a big useless lump feeling totally wrung-out and can't even explain to him what's wrong with me. I've got a thumping headache and just want to cry but can'tSad

OP posts:
Original poster
Greensleeves · 28/04/2006 21:37

and now I've got a giant cold sore coming as well Sad

OP posts:
Alipiggie · 28/04/2006 21:58

Couldn't let you go and think you were alone on a Friday night. Sending you cyber hugs and hoping that the weekend is kind to you. Please please take care. As I'm in the US always online at wierd times for you, so will always talk if you want.

Take care

Beauregard · 28/04/2006 22:14

Greensleeves i really feel for you Sad
I have depression and anxiety too and i know how you must be feeling and its so awful to go through ,you feel that you cant even be depressed properly because all you want is to be alone in the dark and cry and scream and you cant because you have kids and a dh and things that need to be done and eventually you have to crash back to earth anyway.
Want you to know that you are not alone even though you must feel that way and i am thinking of you.xxx

Original poster
Greensleeves · 28/04/2006 22:18

Thanks Alipiggie. I can't sleep at the moment so I probably will be hanging around in antisocial hours. Hope you have a nice weekend too.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 28/04/2006 22:20

Thinking of you Greensleeves ... Try to do something for yourself this weekend. xx

Original poster
Greensleeves · 28/04/2006 22:21

That's exactly it pelvicfloornomore. I seem to be able to put a face on it while the kids are around (apart from this morning, I just couldn't) and then I sort of slump in the evening, feel frighteningly bad, and then can't sleep because I am all keyed up and my mind won't shut down.

OP posts:
sallystrawberry · 28/04/2006 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heathcliffscathy · 28/04/2006 22:25

greensleeves. I really relate to how you feel.

just wanted to say that i am really glad that you can come on here and say all of that.

Miaou · 28/04/2006 22:27

Greensleeves - I've had far too much wine and am no use to man nor beast but just wanted to post to say I really feel for you - if I was going to be around in any meaningful way tonight or tomorrow I would offer support - in the meantime {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}} and keep strong Smile

Dior · 28/04/2006 22:31

GS - I have been where you are (black pit), and can only say what you know...it will get better. I know from experience that it doesn't feel that way at the moment, and that you won't believe anyone saying it. I also know that it doesn't help at all. Just hang on in there if you can. If you need help, don't feel bad about taking an emergency appointment. Also, can you get dhto have the kids this weekend so you can try to get some sleep?