I feel so, so sad.

[Greensleeves]

That's it, really. I have people I could phone in real life but I just choke when I try to talk, I can't face a real conversation. I feel griefstricken, as though someone has died. I can't listen to music because it just makes my chest implode with sadness. I know it's a beautiful sunny day but I just can't feel it. I do suffer from depression, I'm on ADs, I control my depression pretty well usually, but this is different. I remember feeling like this in the holidays from boarding school, I was so overpoweringly unhappy I couldn't speak, music made me feel sick, I couldn't eat or cry or anything, I used to lie on the sofa with my face turned to the wall for hours and just "survive", waiting for the pain to stop. I had a huge panic attack last night, first time in ages I've had a proper one.

I haven't been in this dark pit for a long time. I don't know how to get out. I feel as though someone has opened an invisible door in the world, shoved me outside and closed it again, and I am sitting on a ledge in the middle of nowhere, and if I move I will fall into nothingness.

At least you can manage to hold it together sometimes,i often have episodes and am unable to hide it from my 2 dd's which in turn makes me feel more down because i worry about the effects i have on them.I only have to change my tone of voice slightly and she will shrug and cover her ears,and i am forever overreacting to the smallest of things.I am thinking about seeing a psychologist would you consider doing this?.Maybe your ad's do need to be upped or switched ?Are yours used to treat anxiety as well?Please see your Gp on tues , i know its hard and you get sick of pumping different drugs into yourself and trying to wrestle in your own mind why you cant shake the sadness off.I cant offer much advice to you but the fact that you recognise that you are sliding deeper into despair is a positive believe it or not ? because at least you know you have a problem

Just got back from the loo and found lots of lovely supportive responses, thank you so much. MN is a lifeline to me at the moment because I haven't got family I can trust, and dh is under so much stress I really can't burden him, I have to be competent and support him. I think I will have a lie-in in the morning and let him play with the kids though, he will like having them to himself and I know from experience that when I am depressed the only really deep sleep I get is in the mornings after I've been awake all night. You're right, I do know this feeling and I know objectively that it gets better.... but it just feels deeper and weirder this time, like grief. I think it's because I really have lost my mum for ever and I'm having to accept it. Even though I'm the one who cut her out of my life. Everything seems to come at once.

Maybe you could talk about your mum to a counsellor? It might help. It did for me. I don't know your exact situation, so ignore me if I'm way off!

No, you're not way off, I did ask my gp about counselling but the waiting list for it on the NHS is quite long, and childcare would be a problem. I did have counselling whenn I was at uni and found it very helpful.

Greensleeves, remember that when you hit the bottom, you generally coast along and then surface ... give yourself the chance to coast tonight then surface in the morning ... you will be able to cope better tomorrow I'm sure {{{{{hugs}}}}}

The thing I learnt from mine was that that it wasn't my fault that she was like she was. I have not forgotten or forgiven what happened, but I can understand what she went through (PND, loss of mother, my dad being away alot when I was a baby). It doesn't change how it affected my life, but I can sympathise with how she must have felt at the time. It allowed me to become friends with her, and we now enjoy quiet a good friendship. However, I still feel the loss of what most people experience in a mother.

It really is worth signing yourself up for the NHS sessions, and getting childcare when they come up. I know that can be easier said than done though. Do hang on in there. Ask for help from dh too. You are trying to be strong for him, but you have to allow him to do the same for you...

'quite', not 'quiet'!

I think you are right Dior. I ned to bite the bullet and get on the list for the counselling. It's just that I choke at the thought of facing it. There's so much old pain over so many things, I'm, scared it will drown me if I let it out. I had a sort of breakdown in my early 20s (God, I should have changed my name for this) and something similar when I was 14 - I was ill with ME and severe anxiety panic disorder for a few years when I left uni, and I don't want to go under again. I have only just broken free of a terrrible oppressive relationship with my mother, it got very messy and I had to involve the police, which I feel dreadful about. My dss are her only grandchildren and my siblings don't have contact with her either, and she tried to kill herself two years ago, and because of me she is going to have a criminal record because I had her arrested for harassment. Ds1 is very upet about losing his grandma and has told me he thinks it is my fault, and he keeps needing to talk about it, which is stressful although I know it's good for him. I had an horrific time having ds1, nearly died several times and nearly lost him, and my gp thinks I have PTSD over that too, and dh has just been diagnosed with narcolepsy, and he might be made redundant next week and we have a massive mortgage, and ds2 has got to have plastic surgery at some point because he has a huge strawberry mark by his eye that may be affecting his vision... it's all getting on top of me in a big way. I feel as though I'm being persecuted or something.

It's understandable to feel the way you do. You do need someone unbiased to talk to though. As you probably know it will hurt a lot for a few weeks, but you do come through the other side with some skills to allow you to deal with things better.

Your life seems so unfair at the moment. Allow yourself to 'selfishly' grieve, because you can't be the one who does everything and supports everyone.

Not too bad, thanks SallyStrawberry. Have been out with dh and kids in town today, and managed to be fairly normal. I still feel pretty morose, but dh is being really kind and understanding. He's going to come out of work for an hour and have the kids for me while I see the gp next week, so that I can talk about things without them hearing it. We should know by Tuesday evening whether he still has a job or not. I'm dreading MIL coming tomorrow, she doesn't believe in depression and will pick on me all day if she senses I am not feeling my best. I am coping better than yesterday though, not collapsing in tears every five minutes, so that's something.

would GP consider referring you to see a psychologist rather than a counsellor? just thinking that there's so many issues, and given your apprehension about making things worse if you open up....

Oh Greensleeves you poor thing - you are going through so much atm. A big part of what you are feeling is porbably grief mixed up with guilt about your mother. And your DH's poss redundancy on top is not fair (along with everything else).

You WILL feel better. It may not seem like it now but you will.

Hugs to you.

GS, sorry you're feeling so awful. You absolutely did the right thing with your mum, she was the cause of so much dreadful stuff, it's bound to have an effect, that alone, let alone all the other worries. Keep posting here if it helps but I think you should make sure your GP knows exactly how bleak you're feeling.

Glad things looked up a bit today, greensleeves.

Only just seen this. Just wanted to send love and say let me know if I can do anything

xxxx

greensleeves,
there is so much that i want to say, but i know that practical advice is sometimes not what you want to hear. wish i could give you a hug. hope tomorrow you will find something that brings a smile to you.

Why Hausfrau - what do you know that we don't???