Depression is causing problems with friends

[naswm]

I haven't posted on here for a while. Have been trying to get on with things and try to manage it, but I have had 2 difficult conversations with 2 different friends over the past week and they have both been becuase of my bloody depression. I dont want it to push all my friends away. I need them. I want to be a jolly happy friend and not a bloody awful depressed cow. how can I be a better friend at the mo when I feel so awful inside. I am obviously not very good at acting. I am :(

no, of course not!

naswm, if you haven't yet read my text and my email to you, I am back online and hope to be around to chat to you if you want to. I know you might be out tonight, but I just wanted to say I am here if you want me!

naswm - are you there? I haven't logged on for a few days, and have only just read the last few posts. How are you feeling? By the way, of course you haven't lost your MN friends! Please let us know how you are feeling...

naswm
i just read this thread and can so relate to how you feel in your darkest moments. I have depression too, i have taken ads over the years and even went into a psychiatric ward 7 years ago (voluntarily!) but that option was so scary that i 'pulled myself' out of the state i'd got into and managed to get my life back again.
My depression just doesn't go away - well why should it! I feel so sad for the life i have and the life i have had so far and the way the life i will have in the future will probably be. I think i would be better off dead but i couldn;t bear to do that to DS1 and DS2 who are only 2 & 3 years old. Still i can't bear this pain and sorrow.
I used to have loads of friends but now i hardly have any. Over the years i have pushed them away or been unforgiving if they have done something i didn;t like. I can make new friends quite easily but they soon get fed up with me for various reasons partly as i am not very good at phoning other people so they feel they do all the work.
I am in a terrible marriage. My DH who of course doesnt believe in depression or ad's. is constantly criticising me, putting me down, being so nasty to me and ripping the person i am to pieces that i don't know who is the worse attacker him, me or the depression. Many times he has seen me weep with such deep sadness and he has never given me a cuddle or said it will be alright he just gets more and more vicious in his attacks or he ignores me, both of which make me feel even more unlovable if that were possible. I am with him because i am scared of the alternative and to be honest quite a bit of that financial.
I know a lot of people would advise me to take ADs but i just don;t want to maybe for similar reasons maybe not.
I just wanted to say to you i so empathise with you and i;m probably the most useless of people to help you but thank you for posting as i feel i am not alone having read this.

ps sorry because i think i have given too much information about me on your thread which goes to prove just how selfish i am!