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Mental health

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Original poster

Depression is causing problems with friends

29 replies

naswm · 19/04/2006 20:44

I haven't posted on here for a while. Have been trying to get on with things and try to manage it, but I have had 2 difficult conversations with 2 different friends over the past week and they have both been becuase of my bloody depression. I dont want it to push all my friends away. I need them. I want to be a jolly happy friend and not a bloody awful depressed cow. how can I be a better friend at the mo when I feel so awful inside. I am obviously not very good at acting. I am :(

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DumbledoresGirl · 19/04/2006 21:04

A friend will be a friend to you naswm no matter what your mental state is. You have enough to deal with without worrying about other people's sensibilities. You shouldn't have to act a part.

If I was living near you, I would look upon it as my role to take you out of yourself every now and again. I know you can't force friends to play the ideal role, but you equally should not have to beat yourself up about your relationship when you have quite enough else to deal with.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Original poster

naswm · 19/04/2006 21:39

The thing is DG the 2 people in question have been such a strength to me and I dont want to loose them becuase of my own over-sensitive stupidity. They dont want a depressed friend any more than I dont want to BE depressed.

Thanks for the hug btw much appreciated honey

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poppiesinaline · 19/04/2006 21:57

Depression is a hard thing to understand - especially if you have never suffered from it. I know when I was going through a bout of depression some friends of mine were not very helpful and in fact, sometimes made me feel worse. They didnt mean to, they just didnt know how to help because they didnt understand how I was feeling. I suppose, all you can do is be honest and open with them. A good friend will stick by you no matter what.

Sometimes in life we need to carry, other times we need to BE carried. Maybe this is a time in your life when you need to BE carried. The time will come later when you feel better and when your friends need you and then will be the time for you to carry them. That is what friendship is all about. Let your friends know that right now, you need a bit of carrying. Hope that makes sense and hope that helps.

tashy · 19/04/2006 22:18

Just wanted to emphasise what poppiesinaline said - soetimes we need to be carried - and when you are depressed, any good friend will be willing to help carry you. As someone recently said to me (I am suffering from PND), the strong ones should help to carry the weaker ones - you will not always be weak, but depression does temporarily weaken you as it is so draining and it engulfs you, leaving you nothing left to offer anybody else. Please don't put pressure on yourself by feeling you should be a happy friend - you need time to work through this so you can get strong again.

Original poster

naswm · 20/04/2006 08:52

I think they are both fed up with carrying me. As is everyone. I am so not in control today. Haven't felt as bad as this for a very long time. Goning to to take the kids out for a drive in the hope they will sleep and give me some respite. thanks for all your comments

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monkeytrousers · 20/04/2006 09:14

Are you getting treatment Naswm? I lost (temporarily thankfully) a few friend when I was depressed. I'm sorry if this sounds insensitive but chronically depressed people can be massive arseholes (I was, moody, self obsessed, selfish..) and people just need to get away for their own sanity. If you haven't already you need to take responsibility of your own mental health - swallow your pride and get to the doctors and onto AD's - they don't work miracles but do alleviate the symptoms so you can begin to deal with the underlying causes. But it will take a while, don't rush it, it's taken me 4 years to turn my life around. And never be self congratulatory, that way you relinquish responsibility.

DumbledoresGirl · 20/04/2006 10:20

Also don't forget naswm, that in our times of deepest trouble we reach out and sometimes it is not the people we think of as our best friends who take our hand. Maybe there are others who are not tired of carrying you who are willing to help you right now. Also, your new friends made here on MN are certainly not tired yet! (if at all).

Other posters here are right: lean on the support you do find around you. You don't have to be strong right now!

Perhaps your best friends aren't really much good for this sort of thing - even vest firends can let us down at times without meaning to. So save them for later when you feel better and are ready to be the old naswm again.

Hope the drive helped.

PS Did you call me honey?

monkeytrousers · 20/04/2006 11:01

I do see what you mean DG, but in my experience this isn't a good long therm strategy. Depression is like a black hole and it sucks the life out of everyone around it, not just the person suffering from it.

I really don't think it's fair to rely on the people closest to you, people use the analogy about treating depression like any illness, you go to the doctor is you have arthritis, people don't just expect you to 'get over it' on your own - but you don't also expect your family to treat it either.

Why should a partner or child become a carer of someone chronically depressed and so then risk becoming depressed themselves? It isn't that they don't love you or that they wouldn't help if they could, but depression doesnt respond well to mollycoddling, that actually only feeds the self pity, it responds to action and only from the sufferer.

Depression isn't my partners or my sons problem, it's mine and if it means taking ad's for the rest of my life then that's a small sacrifice for the happiness of my family.

monkeytrousers · 20/04/2006 11:04

Sorry, I'm probably coming over a bit 'tough lovey' but it is in an attempt to help. If you're suffering an attack at the mo I know my words probably wont help you through this particular moment, but when you begin to feel even slightly stronger try to read them again. I know it's tough, it's the toughest thing I've ever done. But the alternative is worse.

blueshoes · 20/04/2006 11:34

Hi naswm, you are not having an easy time. I don't have much experience with depression except that I used to go out with someone who was in the early stages of becoming depressed. He pushed me away for something I felt was quite minor and nothing I did could put us back on the right track. Maybe, he still wanted me to be around but there was no way I could know. Outwardly, he was putting on the brave act and insisting nothing was wrong. If you want your friends to be around, tell them. I am sure they will rally and if not, well, you will have to find other sources of support. Otherwise, there is only so long a person can be a punching bag. Not saying this is what you are doing but just wanted to make the point that your friends cannot read your mind ... but they do want to help but might not know how to.

DumbledoresGirl · 20/04/2006 12:54

Oh monkeytrousers, I wasn't suggesting anyone should rely on those around them to get them well again. I know the correct response is to see depression as an illness like any other and get medical help for it, but I also know that many people (wrongly of course, but nonetheless) have difficulty accepting the idea of ADs. As you say, it is perhaps something naswm should reconsider when she is not feeling so low.

I have only suffered depression for short periods and have always refused ADs and never even found counselling helped either although I feel that is a reflection on the counselling I received rather than the therapy generally. When I was at my worst, I can remember occasions when it was friends who helped me see some light, albeit for a short moment. So in a nutshell what I was trying to say was that naswm might find those small moments of light somewhere other than with her best friends, but no, no-one can provide someone's else's entire therapy in themselves.

monkeytrousers · 20/04/2006 14:15

Absolutely DG, mine is just a different perspective. I suffered from depression for decades, I can now see that I was clinically depressed as a child from the age of 6 or 7 (my mother was an undiagnosed manic depressive, still is unfortunately) and I can recognize lots of people around me who are depressed and have been for years but are in such a state of apathy and denial that they'll plod on blaming others for their unhappiness until the day they die driving friends away and taking their families down with them. Depression is a terrible illness however briefly you may suffer from it, but I think fro people who grew up with depression like me and found/find it difficult to decipher their own personality as separate from the symptoms ad's are the only answer and will help you see the wood for the trees. I don't know if Aswum's experience is like this but others reading might be so I always try to say it on these threads.

Original poster

naswm · 20/04/2006 15:55

Thank you for all the posts. I am having trouble digesting them right now. I will come back when my head is clearer.

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Original poster

naswm · 21/04/2006 19:42

Things have got worse. The person I thought was my bf is now afraid to talk to me in case she puts her foot in it. I HATE this bloody depression. I want it to end. I want my bf back. I am so :( :( :( :(

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Riddo · 21/04/2006 19:57

Your friend will get over it naswm. She may just need a break but if she's really your friend, she'll be back. Other posters are right though. If you had any other illness you would get treatment. Ad's help so much and if you need them, then that's fine. I've been on them since I had DS who is six. The dose has gradually got lower but they make me easier to live with and therefore everyone elses life easier. It's important to get treatment before the black hole gets too deep. Big Hug

Original poster

naswm · 21/04/2006 21:40

I know she will riddo but I dont know if I will. There will alwasy be that feeliing that i pushed people away when I was depressed - by accidnet. That is hard to live with

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monkeytrousers · 22/04/2006 00:15

Hon, it is the hardest thing I know, but you can both get over it and you won't be haunted by it forever, I know that's how it feels at the moment. This will pass I promise, I made such a fool of myself to my friends and was so ashamed of myself but it's all forgotten now. I always keep my eye on the ball for them, it is possible to get over this sweetheart, I know it feels impossible now. Big hugs {{{x}}} I've done it, really I never thought I could, and you can too! x

monkeytrousers · 22/04/2006 00:16

and get to the docs, please.

Original poster

naswm · 22/04/2006 22:31

Dont really knwo what to say on this threasd. Other than thank you all for your advice and support. I think I am finnally starting to come out of three days of very very blackness. But am v worried about how low I went this time. Frightening. and dreadful being so alone. I felt like a zombie living in my shoes. And there was no one to turn to who knew

RE my friends, now I can think clearer I feel that I WILL manage without them. I shall have to. The pain is easier now. The past few days have felt awful. I just so wanted somoeone to say, hey, I know you feel so horrible, and I dont have a magic wand, bnut I'll be here for you and give you a hug even if you 'hit' me.

Anyway, thanks guys. I'll keep seraching for that magic wand befoe the next nose dive into the hole. I know it wont be long.......

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monkeytrousers · 23/04/2006 21:00

Naswm why don't you try ad's?

Original poster

naswm · 24/04/2006 15:08

hi monkeytrousers. Every time I have come to reply to you I have ran away again. but I dont want you to think I am ignoring your comments.

Re ADs, I cannot go to the GP. I just cant. I am not going to take ADs. I know they can be very beneficial etc etc but they are not for me. There must be other ways around it. I know I probably sound like I am not helping myself, and if my friends read this they would possibly think the same, but the AD route is not one I can take at the moment.

I'm probably going to get posts now telling me how silly I am being. And will no doubt end up offending my MN 'friends' as well now. But, I'm not strong enough to deal with in any other wway at the moment

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monkeytrousers · 24/04/2006 18:40

You're not going to offend anyone, don't worry about that and thanks for replying. I'm sorry you feel unable to take ad's - is it the stigma? Nobody needs to know, you know and I'd say if you don't start to feel better in a few weeks then stop - what have you got to loose? ..Well, that's a silly question.

Can you go to you GP and just talk about your options? They may have a good counselling set up. The first step to overcoming depression is being honest with yourself - not over dramatic and self loathing as is easy to indulge in an attack but just honest - whatever you decide you should talk to a doctor (and be very honest with them) at the very least.

Original poster

naswm · 24/04/2006 18:45

Thanks monkeytrousers. Ok bit of background... I did go to the GP once but he didn't want to know. Basically agreed I had a lot on my plate and that I should get someone else to help me out! as if! Anyway, I then arranged some 'private' counselling, and I've now had 4 sessions. It is not the 'stigma' of ADs that puts me off, but I have taken them in the past and dont want to again. Hope that makes sense. I need to do it on my own this time... Still cut up about my friends though. Hate myself for what has happened.

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monkeytrousers · 24/04/2006 20:52

Well good luck to you Naswm, I really mean it. You are doing it the hard way that's for sure - I don't know when it was that you took ad's but they are very sophisticated these days and there are a lot of different types to try, if one doesn't suit. I'm not trying to force you into anything, but I'm kind of hoping you keep the possibility open if you feel you aren't coping. And I'd dump that GP quick sharp! I can't believe there are still doctors like that these days. You have a right to get counselling on the NHS - any decent doctor would help you do that.

Original poster

naswm · 25/04/2006 20:47

Does that mean the end of any support then because I wont get ADs??? That makes me feel good. Looks like I'll be loosing my MN friends now as well as my RL friends. Great.

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