Driving away

[Pumble]

I don't know where to post this and don't know what to do. I'm sitting here crying again with my 5 week old dd2 and just know that the best thing I could do for both of my girls is to get in the car and drive. If dd2 ever goes to sleep that is what I must do. I won't be leaving them alone and it will break my heart but it's what will be best for them. They deserve so much better than the useless failure of a mother they have.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess to feel less alone

[MrsJingleBells74]

If you can't right now it's ok, but please talk to us on here if you can't talk to anyone else.

When I had PND with DS1 I admitted to GP & CPN that I wanted to die & had even considered taking DS1 'with me'. SS were NEVER involved, there was never a risk I would lose him. If this is what you are frightened of please don't be. Whereabouts in the country are you?

[Pumble]

What I hate most is feeling like I have 'missed' all the early days with dd2. I don't know where they've gone and just have no memory of them-almost as if I wasn't there. I love my girls so much and just wish I could be a better mum to them.

[NaturalBaby]

Did you have a difficult birth with DD2?

This is not the real you - you are exhausted, your body if full of hormones which are doing strange things to you. Your DD2 just wants to be held by you. If she had a difficult birth (and even if she didn't), sometimes babies just need to cry and let it all out. Just be there for her.

You are not allowed to think/write/say the word 'failure'. I made myself miserable with feelings of guilt and failure. Please be kind to yourself and talk to your HV or GP. I had a lovely chat with my HV who was so helpful, I feel like a new person now - it really works.

[MrsJingleBells74]

I know how you feel, I missed my DS1's earliest days really. But the stark truth is, unless you get help you'll miss a lot more of them.

I adore my 2 boys, they are my whole world but most of the time I feel like a crap mum, but then I look at DS1 (who's 2.10) and is one of the happiest, most sociable, confident little men ever & I figure I've got something right. Not a day goes by when I don't tell him & show him I love him & that is the most important thing you can do for a child (in my very humble opinion). But at the same time I'm struggling & not enjoying my boys as I should be. So hence my call to the GP. I don't want to frighten you off by harping on about it though, if you're really not ready then don't do it.

I don't think there's a parent alive though that doesn't think they could be a better parent.

[Pumble]

I hope all goes well today mrs. I wish I had your strength.

If I ever managed to go....can I even take anything if I'm breastfeeding? I have fought bloody hard to keep feeding and I really can't give up now.

I know you're right about missing out on more but I just keep hoping something will change.

[NotGeoffVader]

I'm pretty sure you can take something whilst you're breastfeeding, Pumble - but that is a good reason to speak to someone in RL, as a healthcare professional will be able to advise you on the best course of treatment/action.

I have several friends who suffer with different kinds of depression. Believe me, what you are saying sounds very like things that they say. I can't say any of them are totally 'well' but each have their own different therapies and medications which make the days and nights more bearable, and allow them to function on a more 'level' footing on a daily basis.
I have had depression too - not as badly as many here, but I recognise the signs and language.

You really are doing wonders just by coming here and talking about it. I said something like this to my friend recently who was in a particularly 'bad place' at the time, mentally. Yet she still made the effort to travel and see me (long story), after we'd been apart from each other for 15 years. I told her what a great achievement it was for her to have
a) decided to travel
b) organised the travel
c) undertaken the travel

All of these required a great deal of strength on her part. I can see the same strength in what you're doing on a daily basis.

MrsJ do you feel you might be able to share some of how things go for you? It may well be helpful to many others on this thread. :)

[MrsJingleBells74]

So I called the doctor today & he has referred me for counselling & increased the dose of my antidepressants. I'm not BF but with DS1 I was told Prozac was ok to BF with.

Will be a while for all this to work but it's a start. Feel free to PM me anyone if there's anything specific you want to ask or anything I haven't mentioned.

[fatcuntroller]

pumble my love, I wish I could give you a great big hug. I know exactly how you feel. But nearly 5 years on I am better.

I promise you from the bottom of my soul, with my hand on my heart, that no one will take your children away. No one will judge you, and your gp will have seen this hundreds of times.

Please call your gp. Or ask your mum or Dh to make an appointment for you. If you can't find the words get a piece of paper and write a note. 'I feel depressed and I need you to help me'. Those 10 little words are all you need sweetheart.

Your babies love you and need you to take that step to get well.

[fatcuntroller]

Bumping this in the hope pumble will come back.

[Pumble]

I'm still here but don't know what to say today. I wish I had some words to say how I was feeling-I just feel so detached from everything.

I have to admit that having this thread is helping-it's making me feel less alone so thank you to all of you.

I'm really pleased things went well with the gp mrs-I hope things continue to get better.

[Pumble]

PS thank you for not giving up on me.

[MrsJingleBells74]

You don't have to say a lot, just check in now & again so we know you're still here & ok.

Sorry am not going to make much sense as am hitting the plonk now!

[CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire]

Pumble, hang in there. x Things can get better.
Does your little one have a health visitor visit anytime soon? Could you maybe print this thread out and show it to them? That way you don't actually have to verbalise how you are feeling straight off.

[ArfAPandaTreacle]

Pumble, why havent you seen your GP? Not just a about yourself (but of course that!) but about your babys colic?

I had a baby with colic and its very hard, but often theres a reason for it. Babies dont cry because they dont like you, or for the hell of it. They cry because somethings wrong. Reflux, trapped wind, intolerances, if they had a very quick, or invasive birth, if mums milk flow is fast (air gulping) there are lots of reasons why your baby could be in discomfort.

I went to the doctors depressed and in tears with DC2, no one judges you, no one threatens to take your babies away, they'll suppport and help you.

[R2PeePoo]

Pumble, it breaks my heart to know that you are feeling like this when you don't have to. And you don't you really really don't.

No one will take your babies away, no one will judge you, no one will make you feel like a failure. A LOT of mothers feel like this after babies, my doctor said 50% or more, he told me he gets cried on by a mum at least once a day. No-one talks about it except in places like these but when I came clean and started to tell other people I discovered my own mother suffered as well as three or four of my friends.

I'm not giving up on you either. x

[noteventhebestdrummer]

Use this then if it helps, so glad that is does!
I think feeling isolated with misery is a really hard thing to manage - Christmas is another stressy time and it doesn't help that there are so few daylight hours. Do you think you could try to get 20 mins outdoors each day? Go and feed the ducks? Just to get some vit D and to escape your 4 walls for a bit?
Hugs too

[AlmostAHipster]

((Pumble))

and two fingers up to anyone who says 'boak' at 'unmumsnetty hugs :)

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

Pumble 20 years ago I felt like you do, my DS screamed every time he saw me (or so it seemed to me), he didn't sleep, he sicked up most feeds, he wasn't content unless he was being held (usually by anyone but me). I can see now that I was depressed but at the time I was terrified they would take my children away, my feelings weren't helped by my life experience as a child. But now I can see how irrational I was. My GP was great, she helped me work through it without antidepressants in my case because I wouldn't take them.

I now have two adult kids who tell me I am/was a great mum and who am I to argue.

Somewhere at the end of the very dark tunnel you are in at present is a tiny chink of light, it might not seem like it but it is there and slowly but surely you'll get to the light. Seek help if you can and keep talking. The fight is worth it.

[Pumble]

I have taken to holding dd2 as much as possible and hugging dd1 when she stays still long enough and repeatedly telling them I love them (even more often than normal) in the hope it will be their memory of this time rather than them remembering me being a mess.

I am just so cross that I feel like this.

I don't want to push everyone away but now I have done it I don't know how to stop it.

[TiddlyOmPomPomPaRumPaPumPum]

Detached is exactly the word - that's how I was, for so long. I didn't have a clue that it was PND, it was my sister in the end that made me see the doc, I really didn't think they could help me.
Also, I didn't want to take any pills as I (wrongly) thought it would mean I had to stop bf. I've been on some bf-friendly antidepressants for nearly 6 months now and the change in me is immense - I'm hoping to come off them soon.

Look, maybe you don't believe the GP can help, but perhaps you could think of it like you're indulging a pushy relative (in my case my sister, in your case a bunch of MNers!) and just go see the doc anyway - let them see you and see what they think.
You clearly love your girls dearly, and when you say you wish you could be a better mum to them, well, you can - you can get well and start enjoying them. I've enjoyed my son so much more since I got help, I really really wish I'd done it earlier.
Keep talking to us eh? :)

[CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire]

I don't want to push everyone away but now I have done it I don't know how to stop it
Well you have taken the first step and admitted you have a problem. Even if it is just on here.
How about emailing a link to this thread to somebody close to you?

[noteventhebestdrummer]

Don't worry, they don't remember you bring wobbly, not if my sons are anything to go by