Driving away

[Pumble]

I don't know where to post this and don't know what to do. I'm sitting here crying again with my 5 week old dd2 and just know that the best thing I could do for both of my girls is to get in the car and drive. If dd2 ever goes to sleep that is what I must do. I won't be leaving them alone and it will break my heart but it's what will be best for them. They deserve so much better than the useless failure of a mother they have.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess to feel less alone

[NaturalBaby]

I pushed everyone away too when I was struggling. Those who are really close and love me understood and were always there for me when I eventually managed to talk it through properly and explain how I was feeling. Talking it through with them really helped.

There's lots of us still here rooting for you.

[Pumble]

Still here and trying to make the most of any smile from dd1 and cuddles with dd2 to get me through the day.

I know none of you have judged me but I just worry if I show people in RL they will judge. People think I am a very sorted person....little do they know but I don't want to burst the bubble....

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

Your mum and DH probably realise something is wrong and are wanting to help. If you don't feel able to talk to them could you email them instead? I find it so much easier to express what I want to say by written word, that way I do not have to feel like I am constantly watching their body language for (my conceived) signs of rejection.

[magimedi88]

Pumble, I'm glad you're still here & what I am about to say may sound a little harsh, but it really, really isn't meant to be.

If anyone did judge you (& I don't think that they will) they'd judge you a lot more for getting in your car & leaving your DCs than they would for asking for help from either your DH, Mum or GP.

Do you know, Pumble, that most people like to help others?

There are now 130 messages on this thread - all from complete strangers, all of whom want to help you & not one who has judged you.

If you lived anywhere near me - Sussex - I'd drive round & go to the GP with you, if that would help.

Sweetie, you've told all of us lots & that's a huge step. Just one more little step & you'll get even more help - I promise.

[Pumble]

I really appreciate that magi but I'm in bucks. But the fact you offered means a lot.

I think because I judge me for feeling like this I imagine others will too if that makes sense.

I'm not writing off going to the gp or telling people but this is the most I can do at this precise moment.

[Sunnywithshowers]

Hi Pumble, it's great that you're coming back and talking to us.

What you say about feeling like you'll be judged makes perfect sense to me.

Big hugs xxx

[Badvoc]

Pumble...show this thread to your family.
Keep talking.
X

[Apparentlychilled]

Oh Pumble- you poor love. I could have written your post 12 months ago. I felt so useless after having DS and so stupid- I was meant to know what to do to settle him etc, as I'd already had DD (now 4). An I felt so angry with myself that I wasn't coping cos I was "supposed" to be ok 2nd time round.

Your girls love you more than you can imagine. You're doing a great job. And not being perfect or struggling with a teeny baby doesn't change that.

For me what helped was talking about it- telling friends and my Dsis how awful I felt. Sometimes that happened by accident- Dsis called when I was in floods of tears one day and I couldn't stop crying and I just remove thinking "my poor baby boy to have a mother like me". But actually it was just pnd. I got myself to GP and was referred to counselling quickly, which really helped. Exercise and a bit of time away from DC helped too, as did eating well (I find it so easy to opt for chocolate instead of proper food when I feel crap).

In the end I decided to go on anti depressants (sertraline as I was bf'ing, and I contined to feed him for anor 6 months after starting meds), only because I was frustrated w how long it was taking for self care to kick in and help me feel better.

Talk to your DH. Or maybe show him this thread? Or show it to your mum, or one of your friends? I know you say you've backed off from friends but I bet they just think you're busy w your DDs and would love to help and support you (as well as have a lovely cuddle w a beautiful new baby!).

[Apparentlychilled]

And I am EXACTLY the kind of person quietbatperson mentioned above. I totally get the whole thing of judging yourself far harder than anyone else will. You are not alone in this and it won't last forever, I promise.

[ImperialSantaKnickers]

Another one here who blubbed all over her gp about wanting to just leave them and go, go anywhere but here, and maybe never come back. There was no social services wanting to take ddtwins away, just an immediate referral to counselling and a prescription which I could take if I wanted. In fact, just telling gp had already made it better, I didn't take the pills, and was back on my feet after only a couple of sessions with the counsellor. All I'd really needed was to be told it was entirely normal to feel inadequate, useless and miserable so soon after birth, and it would get better.
Please talk to a HCP soon OP, soon the only thing you'll feeling silly about is that you didn't do it sooner.

[magimedi88]

I'm not writing off going to the gp or telling people but this is the most I can do at this precise moment.


That sounds like a real step forward to me.

Have you read back this thread, right from your first post, Pumble?

If not, go & do so & I think you'll see that you've come quite a way already.

Little steps, little steps & you'll conquer it - I promise.

And we are going to be with you, every step of the way.

(( hug ))

[Pumble]

I have now read back most of the thread, mostly fighting back tears as I can't quite believe how kind and supportive you have all been, especially when you don't know me. I can see that I have made very little tentative steps but don't see at the moment how I can make anymore, other than staying here talking to you.

When I was at the park this afternoon with my girls, and sitting here now watching as DD2 kicks on her playmat (I'm sure many would say I am a terrible mother (the irony of them thinking that given how I feel) for not having her asleep at this time, but she's only little and she's happy and that's all I want for her) I know that I have to try to do something to make life better for them - they deserve that. They are the most special thing in the world to me and I love them so very, very much.

It's almost like I went onto autopilot after DD2 was born (I'm sure partly as a result of her birth) and suddenly the autopilot switch was turned off

Incidentally, I am just like the sort of person you mentioned quietbatperson

[CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire]

Stop worrying what other people think. Nobody but you, DH, and the kids matter. Babies are up at all hours of the day and night. You're doing ok.

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

Pumble My kids are grown up now and I know, hand on heart, that you are doing the right thing with DD2. She's a baby. She has plenty of time to get into a bed time routine. If I could have my time over again I'd fret less about the routines (and what other people think) and I'd enjoy the moment like you are now. My son has gone home to Oxfordshire after spending Christmas with us and I miss him like mad. It doesn't seem five minutes ago that he was my baby and now he's a strapping great 20 year old making his way in the world (and doing bloody well at it too). He and DD don't remember my depression. I do. All the kids know is that they are loved. They are very, very loved. I bet, one day, in 20 years time your girls will say that too. They will say "Mum loves us, she has always loved us and she has always done her best for us".

[magimedi88]

You stay here & talk to us just as long as you want & carry on with those little steps, Pumble.

It's so bovious how much you love your girls & what a good mother you are & how much you love them.

As hellhas says your girls will never remember your PND.

For the love you have of them, please go & get some help, please!

[NaturalBaby]

You aren't a terrible mother - what have you done wrong? Worry about you're children? We aren't judging because we all understand and we've been there and come out the other side.
You're not alone and one day this will be you telling another mother that's she's not alone in feeling this way.

When I eventually told a RL friend how I was struggling she almost burst into tears because she'd been feeling exactly the same and felt like she didn't have anyone to talk to.

[Sunnywithshowers]

Pumble, you sound like an absolutely lovely mum. Your love for your DC shines from every post, it really does.

Keep coming back and talking. We'll walk the little steps with you Pumble, whatever you can manage.

[Pumble]

One of those days today... Dd2 refused to settle on me last night before bed and then two minutes with dh and she was fast asleep. This has pretty much continued all day except dh not here to settle. She wouldn't even settle after feeds. It just makes me feel so useless that I can't even settle her-what use am I if I can't do that? and dd1 has had one of those days where she asked for her daddy all day.

Sorry it's not a post saying I've asked for help in rl but instead is just me whingeing again. Sorry.

[CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire]

Thats normal for children im afraid. They do the I want daddy thing just when it hurts most. What I can say though, is that they are very fickle. Tomorrow, YOU will be the only one they want. They dont mean anything by it. It is in NO WAY a reflection on you. {{hug}}

[Almostfifty]

Lovey, I've just seen your thread, you need to get yourself some help so you can feel that you're as good a Mummy as you obviously are.

Toddlers are fickle, none of my boys liked me as much as their Dad unless they were ill, when they wouldn't go to anyone but me. That's children. I knew they loved me, as yours do too.

Please, for your sake and theirs, go and get something to help you feel better. No one will think you're a bad Mum, lots of people need a bit of help when they've a new baby.

[magimedi88]

You are not whingeing. Not at all.

Sometimes kids just want dad - theey are 50% of him too.

Tomorrow they'll only want you.

Big hugs, & little steps.