Driving away

[Pumble]

I don't know where to post this and don't know what to do. I'm sitting here crying again with my 5 week old dd2 and just know that the best thing I could do for both of my girls is to get in the car and drive. If dd2 ever goes to sleep that is what I must do. I won't be leaving them alone and it will break my heart but it's what will be best for them. They deserve so much better than the useless failure of a mother they have.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess to feel less alone

[TiddlyOmPomPomPaRumPaPumPum]

Pumble please don't go - especially in the middle of the night. My son's crying used to make me wretched, I couldn't cope with it, and it's always so much harder in the dark. He was eventually dx with reflux, and nearly a year later (long after the reflux passed) I was dx with PND. I wish I'd stopped forcing the smiles and 'coping' a lot earlier - pretending all is ok doesn't help anyone in the end, it just makes it harder to accept help. I've been on some lovely antidepressants for a few months now and it's amazing how different I feel - I didn't really believe I could feel good again but I do! It all got better.

You don't sound like a bad mother to me - you care, and want the best for your girls.
Please explain to your DH exactly how bad you feel now, and how seriously you've considered leaving - he probably doesn't realise how low you're feeling.
Next you need an emergency GP appointment, it can't wait, you need them to help you with this.
Please come back and tell us how you are in the morning, xxx

[Pumble]

Not a good morning. I've just pushed my mum completely away, withdrawn and told her we are going home today instead of tomorrow which in turn has upset her and made her cry. So not only am I a shit mother but a shit daughter too. And dh been pushed away too. Good job I pushed my friends away before Christmas so I can't upset them too.

[ScillyCow]

Go to the GP. ASAP.

Seriously. PND is a bastard.

You are NOT a bad mother. You are unwell.

Even though you don't feel it. You are depressed.

PLEASE go to the GP.

[AlmostAHipster]

You're not well. Please show your mum this thread and let her help you.

[xMinerva]

Oh pumble

You are not a bad mother, honestly, if you were then you would not be posting on here right now.

People are right, it will get easier but love, that first step has to be made by you. Make an appointment at your GP first thing Monday, in fact ring OOH now and get yourself there. You don't have to say anything, just show them this thread.

Please, this is not your fault, you must understand that. Let your mum and dh help.

[EuroShagmore]

Pumble I've never been in your position (no children yet) but I have felt how you are feeling and maybe my story will be helpful.

At university, I was very depressed. I wanted to fall asleep and not wake up every night. I cried a lot. I planned to drop out of uni. None of my housemates from my first year wanted to live with me again in the second year (if I stayed) because I was so miserable. And then I stopped taking the contraceptive Pill. Very quickly, the black cloud lifted and I felt much, much better. I went back to uni and finished my degree, coming second on my course. My depression was a pure chemical reaction to whatever the Pill did to my hormones. Once I stopped taking it, I didn't feel like that again. Until I was put on fertility drugs, which once again messed with my hormones. If I do get pg, I am fully expecting PND because my hormones don't deal well with being messed with.

I've mentioned this because I think you are suffering from hormone disruption post birth and that is what is making you feel like this It is not anything you are doing - it is a pure chemical reaction to what is happening in your body.. It will get better with time as your hormones restabilise, but in the short term please seek some help. And show your husband and mother this thread so they can understand what is going on.

[Pumble]

Everlong-you are right. I have had advice and I guess if I'm not going to take it I should stop moaning and leave you all in peace.

My mother now won't even talk to me I have pushed her so much

[clam]

What is it about going to the doctor that scares you?
Perhaps your mum doesn't have experience of PND, and therefore doesn't recognise the behaviours that people on here, who do have experience, can see. Of course she's upset - she's worried about you.

Please show them this thread - it might help expressing it for you. And PLEASE see a doctor.

[tb]

Pumble you are undoubtedly really stressed. I know, I've been there as an 'old' mother with no support, and recently following an operation. Above anything else, what you need is help.

My dd cried every night from about 6pm until about 1am until she was nearly 12 weeks old. Then, somehow we both got the knack of feeding, and she never cried in the evening again, and used to sleep from a feed about 6pm until another one at 10pm. Infacol was useless, and absolutely no-one from my ante-natal group found it any help at all. Later the empties were brilliant as, once sterilised, I used to fill them up with gripe water, and give 1 full squirt - about a teaspoon - down dd's throat before starting a feed.

Another thing I read was a brilliant article in Mother + Baby, which came too late for me. It was about the fact that you need sleep to produce the hormone that causes the production of the richer breastmilk that is more satisfying, rather than the thirst-quenching lighter sort. If you don't get enough sleep, the sweeter lighter milk can give little babies stomach ache. It made sense to me that at 2am after even an hour of sleep if I was lying squashing a breast, I could soak the bottom sheet on our bed. Even an hour's sleep in the afternoon - especially if it's curled up with dd1 for a cuddle would help - that's assuming she still has a sleep in the daytime.

At 4 weeks, according to the recommendations that were current when dd was a baby, gripe water can be given after 4 weeks. I used Boots - and gained loads of points on my advantage card in the process, as with sudocrem etc, even if in darker moments, rather than buying make-up to give me a boost, I bought Twirls instead.

Please also think of getting your thyroid checked, too. The changes in your body during pregnancy can lead to thyroid problems (as well as other auto-immune disorders like diabetes) the symtoms of which can be very similar to depression - ie weight gain or the inability to lose weight, crushing bone-numbing tiredness etc a bit like the week after flu feeling crossed with being hit by a bus, if that makes sense.

[MrsJingleBells74]

Pumble, I shall be calling the doctor first thing on Monday as I recognise I am slipping back into depression. I just spent 10 minutes crying upstairs because I'm not enjoying my children at the moment & I should be, they are gorgeous.

They deserve a happy, healthy mum & I know with the help of my GP they will have that again. My boys won't get taken away from me so there really is nothing to fear by going to the doctor.

Please agree to see your GP, we CAN get through this.

[DorisIsWaiting]

Your DC's will not get taken away but you will start feeling better.

Please please please talk to someone in RL.

You are not moaning, you need RL help, it doesn't have to be like this you just need to be brave and talk to someone? Maybe show your dh this thread???

[DorisIsWaiting]

Well done Mrs - getting help is the first step to getting better...

[NotGeoffVader]

MrsJ well done for taking the next step.

Pumble please come back. As many posters have said, you are not well, which is why you're finding it hard to cope. There are any number of reasons why your new baby won't settle. The trauma of the birth and the tiredness from looking after a 20-month old are plenty of reasons for you to feel drained and depressed.
Nobody is judging you or trying to push you but you've already taken the first step by acknowledging there is a problem. Now you need to take the next step which is to get some help.

Running away won't do - your poor DC's and DH. And family. Despite what you may think they love you and need you. And you need them.

A friend of mine suffered the most horrendous PND which went undiagnosed, and also suffered Puerperal Psychosis: www.express.co.uk/posts/view/262263/A-voice-told-me-to-kill-my-baby-

Over a year later, she still has bad days BUT the difference is she knows why, and she has a network of support, and has treatment available.

Please at least read her story and see if there is anything there that inspires you to speak to a professional.

[CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire]

Pumble. Nobody wants you to go away. We all want you to get help. Your Mum wouldnt be upset if she didnt love you. Your DH loves you. Speak to them.

[Pumble]

I just think its better if I stop moaning on here. Nobody should have to put up with me moaning. I have told nobody and decided that I shall just have to deal with things. I have managed to convince dh to cancel leave he had booked for tomorrow so he is going into work, meaning it will be just the girls and me.

I was driving today and I have to admit I just wished and wished something would happen that would make me crash and in so many ways I am so angry nothing did.

[Sunnywithshowers]

Pumble it's not 'moaning' - it really sounds like PND. Please talk with someone in RL - you sound very depressed and your GP can help you.

Please keep coming back here to talk to us. I'm not a mum but I've had depression and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Sending you massive, massive hugs. xxx

[TiddlyOmPomPomPaRumPaPumPum]

Pumble, please listen to us - you need help, you can't fix this on your own by ignoring it or running away.
Please talk to your DH, yes he should listen to your moaning, that's what we do for the people we love. If he was unhappy surely you'd want him to talk to you about it, not bottle it up until he wanted to run away?
Please see your GP as soon as possible, it's really really important.

[AlmostAHipster]

Pumble - if you knew someone else feels the same way as you do now, what would you say to them?

You know what you're experiencing isn't 'normal', right?

If you want this feeling to stop, you need to tell someone in real life. Nobody will be horrible to you, they'll just want to help.

[CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire]

I was driving today and I have to admit I just wished and wished something would happen that would make me crash
Pumble, this is not right! You need help.
Please, if here is the only place you can really say how you feel, then FGS don't stop talking.
You have basically just admitted that you wish you had died. Please sweetie, can you not see that you need to speak to someone?

[MrsJingleBells74]

Please Pumble you're not moaning. I've had depression, I know what it's like & the only way you will get better is with help. This won't go away, it's chemical imbalance that needs fixing. If you were an insulin dependent diabetic you'd see a doctor wouldn't you? This is no different, honestly. I'm going to phone my GP tomorrow as I'm struggling at the moment and I wish you would do the same. If you really feel you can't, please at least talk to us on here, sometimes it's easier to talk to faceless strangers. You're not the only person to have felt like this & you can get better but not on your own. Please stay.

[Pumble]

I have pushed everyone away in RL so not really anyone left to talk to.

I am so impressed you are phoning the gp mrs - i really hope it helps. I know you all keep saying I should but I just can't at the moment.