I'm not cut out for this!

[GracieLoo]

I've spent the last few days crying over anything. I can't cope with being a mum, only just picked up LO from nursery, and we're both crying. I'm snappy, emotional, have no patience and keep saying stuff I regret. I don't like how I am, I'm not a good mum.

I've tried phoning HV, my cc, I've texted a friend I can confide in and no one is around to talk. I need to talk, I need someone to look after LO better than me. I don't want to be here. Trying so hard, planned to put tree up and make gingerbread men today but I'm just in my room crying. LO hates me, she's rude, whingy and nothing I do is right. I can't do this!

[GracieLoo]

My appt is 9.45, then HV said she'd pop round as I rang her up crying the other day. I don't know how to put it into words what goes on in my head.

I know people have their own lives and things going on, I just wish they said to not text them rather than just ignore me. Might just delete numbers so I can't make a fool of myself anymore.

[amillionyears]

GracieLoo, you do just fine on here about explaining things.
Cant remember if I or others have suggested before that you write things down beforehand? That helps me if I have to go to the doctors. I nearly always have a list of things I want to say to him in my pocket. And I check the list to make sure I have told him everything before I leave his office. They dont mind.

GracieLoo, before you delete your friends, when did you text them. And how often have you texted them?

[SirBoobAlot]

Don't delete their numbers, you will wish you hadn't down the line. Do understand how you are feeling, but try and remember that feelings of isolation and rejection are always intensified when you feel low.

Glad you have appointments tomorrow, really hope they help.

[GracieLoo]

Feeling confused and upset, angry with myself for not being able to make myself clear. When I say I SH again and having thoughts of taking pills, and I'm scared to be on my own incase I get bad thoughts and act on them, I get told I'm not helping myself, I'm going backwards, I can be told how to think differently but it's up to me to try these techniques, and I've got a responsibility for myself and LO. I know all this! But I thought the point of being under the cmht is they are there to support me and try keep things safe. I now feel I should keep things to myself so I don't annoy or disappoint them. I'm not thinking straight and I'm probably wrong about all this.

I don't know what to think or do right now, feeling scared, alone and crying that everyone thinks I'm annoying and selfish. If I was thinking and behaving rationally I wouldn't be under the cmht would I?!

Also it was decided I stay on 75ml until January.

[GracieLoo]

And I know I can be what to do but it's down to me to get myself better, they can only provide the techniques, helpline phone numbers etc. But it's not that easy!! I know I shouldn't want to od but i'm not making myself have those thoughts.

Sorry this is jumbled, my brain just feels jumbled too right now.

[amillionyears]

What dosage have you been on this week?
Do you have your LO with you this weekend?

What techniques do they give you to try?

[GracieLoo]

I've just read back what I put and I can't even make sense of it. Think what I'm trying to say is, I know they can only help so much, then the rest is up to us. But when I'm having a blip, a bad blip, they should be more supportive. I asked if I'm making her angry and she said 'well you need to listen to what you're told, and not get into a patten of SH and taking too many pills'. I don't what to be like this but I can't help it when I feel so detached, low and miserable. God, so fed up! I was on 150ml originally, she wants me to stay on 75 for a bit.

I think I just feel everyone's against me right now, including myself. I wish I wasn't here, but I think my cc thinks I won't go that far.

[amillionyears]

I dont think everyone is against you, but I do think that maybe that your psychiatrist was wrong to advise you to come off the ads so quickly.

I also wonder whether your cc is the best one for you, but I am not a medical person, and have not been in the same position as you. Others on this board may be better able to answer that than me.

Does your cc comfort you at all? I dont know if they do that or not.

[GracieLoo]

To answer, I do have LO this wkend, apart from tomorrow eve when I have my works do, which is a major worry and stress for me.

The techniques are just normal CBT stuff, do something nice for myself, distraction like a funny film, exercise, eat well, think positively! All simple things, which don't always work.

I like my cc, but I find her nice when I'm doing better, and abrupt when I'm not. She's not that comforting, and very hard to contact. I know they're busy, but she makes me feel I'm not important. She made a comment earlier about leaving a meeting to go on an urgent visit, she would never do that for me, once when I called feeling very low and desperate, and she said what could she do on a fri pm. I can't be the only one not getting better instantly. I already feel worthless and it doesn't help.

[amillionyears]

I dont know how easy it is to change ccs. But on balance, it might be better to keep her?
Do ccs not work on the weekends?

No, you would definitely not be the only one not to get better instantly. I wouldnt have thought that many at all did that.

You are definitely not worthless. Very far from that.
What are your plans for this evening. Sorting out what you will wear tomorrow?