I'm not cut out for this!

[GracieLoo]

I've spent the last few days crying over anything. I can't cope with being a mum, only just picked up LO from nursery, and we're both crying. I'm snappy, emotional, have no patience and keep saying stuff I regret. I don't like how I am, I'm not a good mum.

I've tried phoning HV, my cc, I've texted a friend I can confide in and no one is around to talk. I need to talk, I need someone to look after LO better than me. I don't want to be here. Trying so hard, planned to put tree up and make gingerbread men today but I'm just in my room crying. LO hates me, she's rude, whingy and nothing I do is right. I can't do this!

[amillionyears]

I dont know how easy it is to change ccs. But on balance, it might be better to keep her?
Do ccs not work on the weekends?

No, you would definitely not be the only one not to get better instantly. I wouldnt have thought that many at all did that.

You are definitely not worthless. Very far from that.
What are your plans for this evening. Sorting out what you will wear tomorrow?

[GracieLoo]

To answer, I do have LO this wkend, apart from tomorrow eve when I have my works do, which is a major worry and stress for me.

The techniques are just normal CBT stuff, do something nice for myself, distraction like a funny film, exercise, eat well, think positively! All simple things, which don't always work.

I like my cc, but I find her nice when I'm doing better, and abrupt when I'm not. She's not that comforting, and very hard to contact. I know they're busy, but she makes me feel I'm not important. She made a comment earlier about leaving a meeting to go on an urgent visit, she would never do that for me, once when I called feeling very low and desperate, and she said what could she do on a fri pm. I can't be the only one not getting better instantly. I already feel worthless and it doesn't help.

[amillionyears]

I dont think everyone is against you, but I do think that maybe that your psychiatrist was wrong to advise you to come off the ads so quickly.

I also wonder whether your cc is the best one for you, but I am not a medical person, and have not been in the same position as you. Others on this board may be better able to answer that than me.

Does your cc comfort you at all? I dont know if they do that or not.

[GracieLoo]

I've just read back what I put and I can't even make sense of it. Think what I'm trying to say is, I know they can only help so much, then the rest is up to us. But when I'm having a blip, a bad blip, they should be more supportive. I asked if I'm making her angry and she said 'well you need to listen to what you're told, and not get into a patten of SH and taking too many pills'. I don't what to be like this but I can't help it when I feel so detached, low and miserable. God, so fed up! I was on 150ml originally, she wants me to stay on 75 for a bit.

I think I just feel everyone's against me right now, including myself. I wish I wasn't here, but I think my cc thinks I won't go that far.

[amillionyears]

What dosage have you been on this week?
Do you have your LO with you this weekend?

What techniques do they give you to try?

[GracieLoo]

And I know I can be what to do but it's down to me to get myself better, they can only provide the techniques, helpline phone numbers etc. But it's not that easy!! I know I shouldn't want to od but i'm not making myself have those thoughts.

Sorry this is jumbled, my brain just feels jumbled too right now.

[GracieLoo]

Feeling confused and upset, angry with myself for not being able to make myself clear. When I say I SH again and having thoughts of taking pills, and I'm scared to be on my own incase I get bad thoughts and act on them, I get told I'm not helping myself, I'm going backwards, I can be told how to think differently but it's up to me to try these techniques, and I've got a responsibility for myself and LO. I know all this! But I thought the point of being under the cmht is they are there to support me and try keep things safe. I now feel I should keep things to myself so I don't annoy or disappoint them. I'm not thinking straight and I'm probably wrong about all this.

I don't know what to think or do right now, feeling scared, alone and crying that everyone thinks I'm annoying and selfish. If I was thinking and behaving rationally I wouldn't be under the cmht would I?!

Also it was decided I stay on 75ml until January.

[SirBoobAlot]

Don't delete their numbers, you will wish you hadn't down the line. Do understand how you are feeling, but try and remember that feelings of isolation and rejection are always intensified when you feel low.

Glad you have appointments tomorrow, really hope they help.

[amillionyears]

GracieLoo, you do just fine on here about explaining things.
Cant remember if I or others have suggested before that you write things down beforehand? That helps me if I have to go to the doctors. I nearly always have a list of things I want to say to him in my pocket. And I check the list to make sure I have told him everything before I leave his office. They dont mind.

GracieLoo, before you delete your friends, when did you text them. And how often have you texted them?

[GracieLoo]

My appt is 9.45, then HV said she'd pop round as I rang her up crying the other day. I don't know how to put it into words what goes on in my head.

I know people have their own lives and things going on, I just wish they said to not text them rather than just ignore me. Might just delete numbers so I can't make a fool of myself anymore.

[amillionyears]

Sorry your friends havent replied. When did you ring them?

Kids do play up. That is what kids sometimes do. Doesnt mean you are not coping with her.

Glad you are seeing the care coordinator tomorrow. I dont know much about meds, but agree with others, that a gradual coming off sounds like a better idea. I dont think you need to cry for her to understand how you feel. Hopefully you are able to open up to her, and she will know what to do.

[SirBoobAlot]

You're not a burden, but try and remember that things come up for other people too. That doesn't mean you're not important - it just means their lives take over sometimes.

You walked away and let someone else deal with it before you lost your temper; that's great!

Be careful with the wine, its a depressive, and as tempting as it is to drink when you're feeling low, it can just make things worse.

What time is your appointment?

[GracieLoo]

I don't really trust many of the professionals but seeing my care co ordinator tomorrow. Just never know what to say. If I cry I can't speak, if I don't cry I feel they think I'm fine. Bought a bottle of wine tonight, I know it doesn't help in the long term but it will help me tonight, just to numb things for a bit. Wish I'd stockpiled more meds.

Tried really hard to be more patient with LO today and give her more cuddles. Took her to a soft play and she was saying she was stuck and crying but wouldn't let me help her. I had to walk away before I lost it, my sister dealt with her. I'm dreading ruining Xmas for her.

Also, just looking through my phone, and have hardly any replies from anyone, makes me feel very alone. Two friends who said I could phone them when needed to, have just ignored me. Think I am too much of a burden.

[SirBoobAlot]

As someone who has fallen back into cutting again after such a long time clean, please don't, Gracie. Its a horrible pit to try and claw your way back out of, and it never fixes anything, just adds into the cycle.

[amillionyears]

Who do you trust most. Your GP or your pschiatrist?

[GracieLoo]

I can't do this. Can't even cope with getting ready in mornings. Sat crying on my bed, wanting to cut myself.

[SirBoobAlot]

Just wanted to give you a hug, and say I know how you feel.

If you feel like your psych isn't listening to you, then request to see another one. Are these the first ADs you have tried? There are loads of options medication wise, and also therapy wise. Finding a type of both that works for you can make a world of difference.

[MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill]

Right, you are obviously suffering from drug resistant depression, which is fairly common.
The depression is not going to win as you still have options.
A more traditional option, which is successful and carried out under a ga nowadays is ECT.
Iatemyskinnyperson posted on a another depression thread the other day as her b-I-l had it a couple of years ago.
So perhaps try pming her to ask some questions.
Another option that is still under evaluation at the moment but looks very promising is 'ketamine infusion therapy', you can find more info on it here:
'ketamine

Yes it's in Oxford and I don't know where you are based but if you had a cancer and could get better treatment by travelling, you'd do it, wouldn't you?

Have you had cbt based treatment?

[GracieLoo]

I've been on it a few months, but od'd on it a couple of times at the beginning so messed about with it I suppose. The psych suggested coming off it by 50mls and I could be off in in two weeks? But GP and cc disagreed with this. I don't feel I'm being treated well or taken seriously, plus don't feel there's anyone I can speak to when it gets so bad. Care co ordinator is always too busy.

LO is nearly 4 btw. I'm on the waiting list for group therapy, been on lots of different ad's, had psychotherapy and been in a day hospital for 2 weeks. I'm up and down all the time, and I really don't see me getting through this, think it's going to win one day.

[kerstina]

I would do it more gradually and controlled than that. It is not worth the risk of going too downhill. If you felt that way on them I would have thought swapping meds would be better. What other meds have you tried?

[MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill]

Coming off venlafaxine can be horrific, it's no wander you've had a bad day?
How long have you been on it?
And decreasing your dosage every few days is going way too rapidly, you should be doing it over a period of weeks.
If you don't like the venlafaxine, are you going to be put on something else?
Are you having any therapeutic support?

[GracieLoo]

I was on 150 and decreasing by 37.5 every few days. But when I went to GP they hadn't received fax yet so prescribed a weeks worth, I missed a day at wkend, got all confused. Maybe I should stay on them, but I still felt suicidal and messed up, as well as fat and tired, just less tearful.

[kerstina]

Surely you should be coming off the meds gradually not just trying without them for two weeks? Sorry if I misunderstood. I came across some jottings in one of my old diaries about things to make you can do to make you happier. I know it is a lot to do with brain chemistry but it is worth a try. I will dig it out and post later for you.

[amillionyears]

How many days have you been on the reduction.
And are you on say half the normal dose?

How old is your LO. 3 years old? Dont say on here if you dont want to.

[GracieLoo]

I am wasting her early years by being like this, and I'm finding her more difficult to cope with as she's becoming naughtier and more aware. So her behaviour is probably due to me being depressed.

My psychiatrist, GP and cc are aware of the medication reduction, i said I don't like being on them, they said I can have 2 weeks off to see how I feel. But was then given no extra support.