Sick of the woman who assaulted me just wandering around whilst my fucking life is ruined.

[SirBoobAlot]

I was verbally assaulted at 13. It triggered a serious mental health condition. I'm 21, it was eight years ago, and yet when I got on a bus yesterday and saw her on there, I flew off. I then had a massive panic attack at the bus stop, and sobbed hysterically on the phone to a friend all the way home.

I now feel trapped in my house. One of the reasons I moved was so that I was on a different bus route to her (I know where she lives, she wasn't a stranger). I already can't go to an area of town because I saw her there a few months ago.

I am so fucking sick of this. So sick of her. She ruined my fucking life, and yet she had no change to hers. She got a warning from the police at the time, but was still allowed to continue training as a TA - at my brothers school, FFS.

Hate is such a draining emotion, but God I hate her. I hate her and what she has done to me. My life is in tatters because of what she said to me. I'm self destructive, and I have cut the shit out of my arms for the first time in weeks, and I am so angry at myself.

I wish she would fucking disappear. I wish she would live one day with the mental state she has driven me to.

I don't want to die, but Jesus I don't want this life any more, and its not changing. I'm so tired of it. So so tired.

Hey SirBoobalot. You're pulling it together really well. Please hang in there love.

Thank you everyone, really don't know what I would do without you guys at the moment. Have borrowed a friends Wii whilst she's away, and have just done half hour on the Wii Fit, which made me giggle a little. Though I only burned 150 calories. Fuck that! I did the jogging sitting down, moving my arm, and drinking wine. Does that classify as cheating?

Thanks everyone. Sorry for being such a dick recently/.

150 cals is good going! I love wii fit. Have you tried the yoga and the zazen meditation - chillax to the max! Or summat...

Btw you are not a dick!

I can manage the yoga on days when my pain isn't too bad. I did lots of the balance exercises tonight, the penguin one is so funny, I couldn't help but laugh.

It might be handy for distraction when I'm on lows.

She's still working at the same school. I think they must still be in the same house. I kind of need to know. Do have her daughters email address - ironically, we actually made up in the last year of school, though we were never the best of friends again. She sent me a message on facebook last year asking how I was etc. I never told her the damage her mother did.

It so isn't cheating drinking while exercising is a sign of intelligence!

I wouldn't use that email address. You're very vulnerable right now and you could end up feeling worse if you poke that hornets' nest. Even if the daughter is reasonable, we know her mother is a nasty piece of work. I think you should concentrate on caring for yourself and doing things that make you happy

I second greensleeves.i can understand it's tempting to know what's going on but it's like scratching an itch, don't do it.

Nothing like you have been through but i was bullied at school. I just stepped away and never looked back when we left. Ok, total lie that, i have googled and facebook snooped but would never in a million years make contact. My aim is to get to a stage where they mean as much to me as i do to them, which is absolutely fuck all. In the meantime (er, 20 odd years!) i will at least act as though that's the case and let the world see me as over it.

Sounds like you've been doing a prettygood job of the same, so don't slip up now.

If you have wii bowling it's brilliant. The only way i can ever hope to get a strike is the virtual world of wii!

And yes, wine in one had nunchuck in the other counts as exercise! Glass to mouth two, three, four.....

I don't even know what I would say. Don't worry boss I'm not intending to use it right now.

DS has to be in playschool in 45mins. I'm still in bed, we're both still in pjs. I really don't know if I can face leaving the house.

Have a and get going, take it easy. Tiny steps:
Put the kettle on.
Get you and DS dressed. (leave bath/ shower/ make up until later)
Have tea and give him toast or cereal.
Get out the door.

" I did the jogging sitting down, moving my arm, and drinking wine"

Yes I'm afraid that does count as cheating :o but a lot more sensible imo than exercising.
Hope you can get up and out. What can you do after that to relax?
I didn't realise this woman works in a school (or is it her daughter?). Really hope it's the daughter

Thanks lovelies. I made it to the appointment, yey. Borrowed some money from my mum and got a taxi there and was a bit of a state. But the appointment itself went okay, and on my way out saw a friend from group therapy, who works in another part of the site. Told her what had happened and that I wanted to get on the bus but was nervous about it. Bless her, she walked to the bus stop with me and waited until I'd got on. Managed to change buses in town and get all the way home too.

Five - nope, its her that works in the school. It was decided she didn't pose a risk to any of the other children. Just me, then They said she wasn't allowed in the same classroom as my brother (who was then 7) for the rest of his time at the school, but aside from that, she just... Got away with it.

Have decided I will call the school to ask if they will be going on trips to any of the places I normally take DS in the next few weeks, as I don't want him to miss out on Christmas stuff, but don't think I can handle seeing her again. Not sure whether they will tell me or not, but feel like I have to know if they will be going, or I either won't be able to take DS at all, or he won't enjoy it because I will spend the entire time looking over my shoulder. They're bound to think I'm a crazy person. Feel like I need to try though.

SirBoob I'm going to make a really frightening suggestion. I'm going to waffle a bit first so it doesn't jump out at you. If you want you can stop reading now and pm me to get it deleted or report it yourself. Talk to your therapist and have the whole situation moderated- have someone talk to her first and support you, but you need to sit down with her and tell her the effect she's had on your life. I'm sure she'll be devestated and there might even be a reason for her actions which gives you peace- can't think what it would be, but you never know. Even if she's a remorseless cow, but you have someone with you trust with whom you could discuss the meeting with it would help. Even I'd your therapist thinks its a dreadful idea, talking it through might help.

It was suggested before that I write her a letter, but I have a few reasons for not to.

Firstly, because no words would be able to communicate how much she's screwed my life up.

Secondly because a friend of mine actually did have a meeting with the person that assaulted her, sexually; he couldn't even remember who she was. And although this woman would remember who I was because we had a past, the idea of what she did being dismissed by her own recollections is really painful.

And mainly, because I don't want to hear how she feels about it. She would either be completely remorseful (which is what I suspect) and glad that she had such an effect on me, or would apologise, which I wouldn't be able to believe to be sincere.

I can see why it could be a good idea in theory, but I don't think it would work. At least not right now.

hey sirboobalot

im so sorry that you are having such a difficult time, and all the while, you have been on my thread, talking to me, supporting me, pm ing me - thats the person you are - you are an amazing, compassionate, worthwhile, wonderful person, it pains me to read how negatively you feel about yourself.

i truly hope the horrible feelings are subsiding for you a bit. well done on getting out and getting to the breastfeeding group.

you are a sweetheart and you certainly do not deserve to feel like this. x

Vicar you're a love. x I hope today has been better for you.

Feel very odd tonight. I don't know whether its the lull after the crazy emotional storm. Know its still a reasonably dangerous place for me to be so trying to be careful.

Managed to eat something properly tonight.

SirBoobAlot.I nearly came on earlier to suggest the letter writing thing,I did it in relation to the physical and emotional abuse I received from my mother,I never sent the letter,just wrote everything I wanted to say,for me it was carthartic ,helped me come to terms with the situation.

Chanaton I wrote that letter to my mother and sent it. I got the expected scornful one-liner in return, but I still felt better knowing I had said my piece. Actually it felt a lot like bagging up all the old shit she had dumped on me over the years and dumping it on HER doorstep - it was HER shit, not mine to carry. Surprisingly it didn't make much difference to me whether she chose to pick it up and take it inside or just leave it rotting on her doorstep. It wasn't on my back any more.

SirBoob, I don't think the letter is a terrible idea (not sure about the face-to-face, haven't tried that and not sure I would have the balls) as long as you have plenty of support, take things at your own pace and have realistic expectations for what you may and may not get out of it. It's worth thinking about IMO.

I am SO chuffed for you that you kept that appointment today. You're amazing!

Interesting to hear that you both found it so helpful, both sending it and getting a negative response (though I am sorry for that, Green) and just writing it.

Thing is I don't even know what I'd want to say. I don't know whether I'd want her to know (whether she would actually be reading it or not) just how much she has damaged my mental health. I don't know if I want to let her have that triumph.

However, it is food for thought. Thank you, both.

Just got off the phone with my mum. She is changing some of the hours at one of her jobs so she can help me more from January. I feel horribly guilty. Thing is most people think I am doing okay and holding it together... Until they come to my house. And that is sometimes the only give away of how depressed I get. That along with the physical difficulties I have doing the housework means its always a bit of a bomb site. I feel so bad hearing her say that if she drops that hours on this certain day, then she'll be able to help me out practically and take DS when I'm having a tough emotional day. She's been talking about changing her hours for a little while now, so know its not just because of me, but feel a little guilty that they've had to consider that because I'm not coping right now.

There are a lot of issues with my parents that I'm trying to work through, but I don't really have anyone else to lean on, and its certainly better for DS to be with his Nanny running around having fun on a day I mentally or physically can't get out of bed.

I found my one to one session today vaguely frustrating, as she just kept telling me that it wasn't logically what I was saying. Yes, I'm well aware of that, thanks. That's why I'm struggling with it so much!! Good thing that did come out of it is that we talked about the person in the group sessions who is causing issues, and that the facilitators are all aware of how this other persons attitude affects everyone elses experience. So that felt positive.

Long rambly post, sorry!

I can't sleep now because of the letter suggestion. I'm posting on random threads on here but my brain keeps coming back to it.

What would I say? Would I want her to know the damage she has caused? Or would she get a kick of out that?

I did write half a letter on the ''anniversary'' (for lack of a better term) this year. I ended up throwing it away because nothing seemed to come out right.

Is telling someone that they screwed with your head a positive thing to do if you follow it up with ''and now I am letting go of it''? Will it achieve anything...

I feel like I need to do something about it, I can't carry on like this.

(Three out of five of those paragraphs started with 'I', how self obsessed can you get?! Sorry.)

You still awake missus?

Yes. Stupid brain.

Just reading your thread, first time I've seen it. Sounds like things are really difficult for you just now.

I'm really frustrated with myself tonight, because I don't want to be feeling this way.

I know you don't. You need some help to be able to change how you are feeling.

What do you want your future to be like? What do you want to do/be in the future? Sometimes that goal/aim can help when you are struggling.