Sick of the woman who assaulted me just wandering around whilst my fucking life is ruined.

[SirBoobAlot]

I was verbally assaulted at 13. It triggered a serious mental health condition. I'm 21, it was eight years ago, and yet when I got on a bus yesterday and saw her on there, I flew off. I then had a massive panic attack at the bus stop, and sobbed hysterically on the phone to a friend all the way home.

I now feel trapped in my house. One of the reasons I moved was so that I was on a different bus route to her (I know where she lives, she wasn't a stranger). I already can't go to an area of town because I saw her there a few months ago.

I am so fucking sick of this. So sick of her. She ruined my fucking life, and yet she had no change to hers. She got a warning from the police at the time, but was still allowed to continue training as a TA - at my brothers school, FFS.

Hate is such a draining emotion, but God I hate her. I hate her and what she has done to me. My life is in tatters because of what she said to me. I'm self destructive, and I have cut the shit out of my arms for the first time in weeks, and I am so angry at myself.

I wish she would fucking disappear. I wish she would live one day with the mental state she has driven me to.

I don't want to die, but Jesus I don't want this life any more, and its not changing. I'm so tired of it. So so tired.

Thanks everyone. I don't think I can get to the GP right now, and certainly not all the way to my psych. Weekly appointment with CPN is on Friday morning, and will get DP to take me (he is travelling back today) so that I don't have to worry about buses. Know if I ask him he will wait and take me home after if I'm too worked up to get the bus.

I'm trying to be practical. But haven't gone further than my kitchen. Doors are double locked and I am still hiding under the duvet.

I'm sorry to be such a drain. Thank you for all of your comments though, I appreciate them greatly, and am sorry so many of you can relate.

You're not a drain. You don't need to apologise to us.
This is your thread, it's all about you, that's the whole point.

sirboob pleae don't ever think your DS would have been better off being adopted :( That's so so sad, bet he loves the absolute bones of you, and by the time he's 6 my dear, you will be in a different place, honestly!

You need to be absolutely honest with your CPN she won't react like your Mum, she's a professorial, you need some help, there's no shame in that, please take care of yourself,and don't worry that you're pathetic or weak, you're not, you're not well love, and that can be worked on.
When is your DP actually back?

Very glad to hear that your DP will be back soon and that he'll be supportive on Friday.
I hope a good cuddle might help you feel a bit better.

Very glad to hear that your DP will be back soon and that he'll be supportive on Friday.
I hope a good cuddle might help you feel a bit better.

sirboobalot so sorry you are going through this. I know nothing about mental health but wanted to let you know how much your advice and support on the breast feeding forum has helped me. Often it was advise to other posters rather than me directly. You spend valuable time helping total strangers on an online forum. And you really do help, I am currently breast feeding DD in no small part thanks to the tips and advice on mumsnet from you and other experts.

I expect it doesn't help in the slightest to hear this as how you feel is obviously out of kilter with how you should feel. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon and get RL support.

Thanks everyone for your kind words, as much as they are hard to read right now, I really appreciate the time you have taken.

I'm feeling a bit less desperate tonight, and more numb, which is a relief. DP is coming over later, and will tell him what happened - I didn't want to tell him via text because he would have felt guilty for being so far away.

Have kept myself safe today because of the breastfeeding group tomorrow. I'm the only peer supporter in our area currently, and don't want to let the mums down. Silly reasons to get me through, again, but they work.

DS had a good day at playschool and has come home talking all about Christmas. I need to get myself out of this place or it will ruin what should be a special time of year for him.

Tried to call my CPN earlier but then got too anxious, so decided not to. I feel a bit more in control because I made the choice not to, though, so its not purely a negative. If I feel a bit safer this evening (maybe with DP here) I will call the OOH mental health team - they have a support line with duty workers, but also pass on messages to the day team in the morning.

Thank you again, really don't think I could have got through yesterday without all of your support.x

So glad you're feeling a bit better.
It's not silly to be conscientious about commitments to other people, it's wonderful. They are very lucky to have you.
((hugs))

I wouldn't say that. Do know having the support in place can make a difference for a new mum between continuing to breastfeed and stopping when she didn't want to, and if I'm the only person available to do it, then I'll be there every week. I was told yesterday that there might be a new PS moving to the area early next year, able to take over one session a month, and I feel very protective over 'my' group now, its been just me for 18 months!

DP didn't make it over tonight. He had a long drive home from the funeral, said he was just going to rest for a bit then come over, and he obviously fell asleep. Got an apologetic text about half hour ago. Not like him, so he must be feeling rough. Could have really use a cuddle though.

I've pm'd you boob

You know I have had my issues (AD from fb if you have lost track of usernames...) and I honestly think Lamotrigine turned my life around. I have a diagnosis of either borderline personality or bipolar depending on which hcp you talk to, and Lamotrigine is amazing for me, coukd be worth trying.

One way it has helped me is to be able to see the silly bitchy old women that were giving me shit as just that - I was buikding them up in my head somehow. Once I realised that, they became irrelevant to me.

Hope you get your cuddle today.
I'm away for the w/e and may not be able to get online.

Managed to get to my group. Freaked out a little bit getting on the bus coming home, but managed it. Glad I did as two mums came along today.

I'm supposed to go all the way into Brighton tomorrow for my CPN appointment, don't know how I will cope with that. The going there won't be so bad, but coming home will be tough. I guess if I see her again, I will either scream and run, or whack her in the shins with my stick...

Checked my bank balance earlier and it is horrific. Don't actually know if I can afford my bills and rent this month. So hoping my DLA goes in soon, or I am screwed.

You are being incredibly brave, I am really impressed that you went to your group. You really ARE going to get through this and feel happy again.

Please post before and after the trip to Brighton so we can support you (and during, if you have a posh phone). I would take something with me like a book to read or a mindless game to play on my phone, so if anyone undesirable turned up I could just concentrate on something else and avoid accidental eye contact.

Remember that if anybody hassles you verbally or otherwise they are breaking the law and you can call the police. Remember that the chances of seeing her are negligible, and that you are not a little 13yo any more. The woman is a coward. You are NOT.

I know it's bloody impossible, but try not to let everything pile up and drown you, tackle one thing at a time. Nurture yourself through the challenge of the journey/CPN visit first - your finances can wait until afterwards.

I had to go; I've argued the toss for months despite the center manager appearing to have a vendetta against the group, and trying to close it down endless times. I couldn't not go after I've finally got her to stop fighting us.

I may well be posting from the waiting room.

Admit that I don't have much faith in the police, because she seemed to get a bit of a slap on the wrist when this all happened, and nothing else. I'm sure there was nothing else they could do, but it has always seemed so minimal considering the damage it has caused me. If she approached me, I would call the police though, regardless of the situation.

Had a nightmare last night where I was working in the shop I sometimes help out in, and she came in. That is one of my absolute worst fears. Because if I freaked out at work, if there were other customers in the shop, like there were in this nightmare... Tried to be proactive once I woke up about it, and thought about how I would actually handle it. Call security, then tell her to leave as calmly as possible. Ask the other customers to leave so I could collect myself if I needed to. Trying to take back some control over my panic, not sure how well I am doing though.

DP can't take me to my appointment tomorrow, am now freaking out again :(

So sick of this.

OK what other options do you have? Do you have a relative/friend who could step in and take you? Or could you arrange to have your appointment over the phone, or for a psychiatric nurse to do a home visit?

You're doing so well, you must be exhausted with having nightmares as well as the day-to-day stress. I think you were right to think through what you would actually do if the woman turned up - having a plan definitely takes the sting out of it.

Options right now are working out how I can kill myself without DS having to find my body, tbh. I'm wondering if its cold enough to go and lay down outside. If we don't turn up to playschool tomorrow, mum will call. If I don't answer, she will come round. I can stick a note to the front door with a spare key. DS wouldn't be too distressed if I wasn't here in the morning, he would just help himself to things in the cupboard.

Just don't want to upset him by finding me.

Boob please please get rl help. It is not fair you're suffering like this and its not right

I'm sorry. I shouldn't say things like that, you guys don't need my crap. I'm sorry.

No need to be sorry, you're in a lot of pain right now, can someone in RL come over and be with you? Or is there someone you can call?

People who don't need Tje Crap won't post, if we're here we want to be.

That said you do need rl support.

We are more than accepting of your crap, that is what we are here for! If I hadn't had MN as a place to decant my crap and get support and a hand to hold, God knows what would have happened to me.

You do deserve to be treated kindly you know. I kow you don't feel worth it right now, but you are wrong. Depressive thinking is a bitch.

What about arranging to do the appointment over the phone? I'd be surprised if your CPN had never come across someone who found it too difficult to make a journey alone when they were going through a bad time.

Do NOT decide that we "don't need your crap" and stop posting. Or else

Also if you are at breaking point you can just call a cab and go to A&E, there will be a duty psych who can see you. I know that's drastic, but it's there if you need it.

DP has just been over for a bit. He couldn't stay as he has a ridiculously early meeting tomorrow but was I told him what had happened and how low I was feeling. He can (unfortunately) relate to what is going on. I cried a bit, and he gave me hug and promised me that it will be okay even if it doesn't feel like it tonight. Saw my arms but just asked if they were alright, didn't make a fuss, so I don't feel like I've let him down.

Feel drained now, which is better than desperate, I guess.

Will focus on getting DS to playschool in the morning, and then go from there.