I suffer from horrible, terrifying thoughts and they have ruined my life.......

[SickOfBeingSoScared]

The thoughts are that I may lose control, go into some psychotic state and kill my children (no one else just the DCs, not DH surprisingly). There I wrote it and it is horrifying to see it in print.

Of course, I do NOT wish to harm my DCs in any way and that is why these thoughts terrify the hell out of me. I am permanently in a state of terror with all the usual panic attack symptoms and I absolutely HATE being alone with my DCs which I am a lot of the time when DH is at work. My day starts with an enormous sense of fear as I know that DH will soon go off to work and I will be alone with the DCs. The older ones are at school and I rush to get out of the house with them in the morning so I can get them safely to school and 'away from me'. I have a toddler though and as soon as we get back home, I am in constant terror that I may go mad and the fact that I cannot leave him alone on the house as he may hurt himself. I start to feel like I might go mad and may have to run outside to 'protect him from me'. I have an 'escape plan' hatched whereby I will lock him in the house and run outside and call the police to get him if I think I may be close to turning 'psychotic'. The evenings are better because then my older DCs are home and they can look after the toddler if I feel like I need to run off for their own protection. None of this has ever happened. I get through the days relatively normally but suffer constantly for it.

I have had these thoughts for 6 years now and of course, they have never happened. They have become much worse and constant since I had my youngest. I function very well and do all that I need to. I go out as much as I can as I can forget the thoughts while I am out and about. They come back as soon as I get home. I live each day in absolute terror of something that will probably never happen and I know that but these fucking thoughts will not disappear. I even have suicidal thoughts to kill myself to 'protect my DCs' but then I think 'but I need to be here to look after them and keep them safe and eventually these thoughts may go and I actually don't want to bloody die'! It is bloody crazy!!!! The guilt and shame I feel having these thoughts is tremendous. My self esteem is rock bottom.

Before you shout 'go to a&e', 'see your GP immediately', I have done all that (diagnosed with 'obsessive neurosis or 'OCD') and have also been under my local mental health team and a psychiatrist, had CBT, hypnotherapy and am currently having a further bout of private counselling. ADs made the the thoughts constant whereas before I was only having them occasionally. I spent £100s on several panic programs, read all the books but I am still getting nowhere!!

My mind is soiled and scarred by these thoughts. I am tears and full of terror as I write this. I am a broken down woman compared to how I used to be. My DH is well aware of this and I say to him 'how can you leave me alone with the kids knowing this', but he says he knows I will never harm them, I just have to get 'over it'!

Can anyone offer any advice please?

If you are replying to what I've said, I was reassuring the OP just, because I know when I got them it worried me, not responding to anything you said. Sorry if it reads that way.

Rabbits you are right about the psychiatrist. All through my dealings with GPs, my psychologist and the mental health team they never once said I was a danger to my DC. Even though I continually asked them and would have accepted it if they said I was, they said the reverse, that my DC were probably safer with me than anybody as I was too aware of myself to actually 'lose it'. I had finally started believing it and the fact that these thoughts are just thoughts.

I asked for further help as the CBT did not help much (probably as I was pregnant during the period of the sessions and we were also made homeless at the same time!) and I was referred to the psychiatrist who immediately said she had concerns for my DCs welfare and would consult as to whether SS should be involved (this was after 2 years of other professional involvement as detailed above). This panicked me greatly as I had been told all along that I was not a 'risk' and then this highly qualified person told me I was! She later called me and apologised explaining that she had just moved from children's mental health and had not dealt with a case like mine before, so obviously did not understand it. However the doubts then immediately popped up that she was right and everyone was wrong. That set me back a bit!

Oh and I know I have had massive ongoing stressors all through my journey back to 'mental wellbeing' which is why it's carried on for long and no matter how hard I try to help myself, until my life is on a more even keel I won't make much headway. Awful housing problems being a big one (we lost our own house at about the time all this started). I do find it hard to accept that feeling like this is not that 'abnormal' and if I was feeling totally calm and happy in my current situation then I may well be on my way to madness!!

Having thoughts is pretty normal, everyone has fleeting bad thoughts pop through their heads. What happens with is is that we become focused on them obsessively, thus they become an issue. I would say some medication and some more CBT, along with sorting out your stressful situation, and you'll come on really well and this will just be a distant memory.

I'm through the worst of mine, and I look back at how bad I was at my peak and it's like a different person. I know I may revisit it, but that's why I have a Wellbeing Plan in place where I learn to recognise triggers, signs to look out for, contact details for all the places that I need to help support me, lists of things I can do to help - that sort of thing.

Yo' damn right sickof, it's crap, but you can feel a bit better than this.

Alexander, I get you, I was just trying to clarify in case your line was misread.

Yep, mornings are bastards aren't they. What pisses me off is that once you're hyped it takes ages to calm down, so the fear arriving am can bugger the rest of the day. Sorry about my awful language, I know how frustrating attacks of the disease can be.

I dealt with it by a) forcing myself to eat breakfast within an hour of waking up b) beta blockers ditto c) staying off more than one shot of caffeine d) drink boring water. All these things are a fag but they stabilise one more than you think.

BBlockers don't affect your brain, Sickof - the OCD will have a hard time finding something to argue without that. They block adrenaline receptors in yr arteries, if it's asking, and you can tell it from me that the drugs are used to stop people having heart attacks and clogged arteries.

If you are fearsome about ADs, get the doc's out of hours number and ring them at any time when you start taking them if you have a wobble. Most decent docs will do this. Or start with a low dose if you are really paranoid, building it up when you realise they don't morph you overnight into Fred West. (Now that would be a pill).

You won't go mad on ADs, but I know the worry of it is enough to put one off. Don't be put off - ADs can't send you round the bend. I threw up the first ones I ever took from fright, then 2 days on the third lot went down - I slept for 13 hours from sheer relief. Ooh, the bliss of that kip - it was worth it. I think my system realised it needed chemical correction, you know.

Of course after about 3 months, when the pills actually start to work, you sit there feeling like a twat for not taking them earlier. Low self-esteem anyone?

Yes, I second beta blockers, having been on those.

Found this old thread about intrusive thoughts and thought it was relevant for you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/1266396-PND-and-dark-thoughts-anyone-else-admit-such-things

The one thing that stands out from your post is how exhausted you must be feeling and I was wondering how much sleep you are managing to get, tiredness makes everything so much worse. Take care.